Humor at Work
How many carpenters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. That’s the electrician’s job!
How many jugglers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but he uses at least three bulbs.
Where do butchers dance?
At the meat ball.
What’s a gambler’s favorite game show?
The Dice is Right.
How do garbagemen break up with their girlfriends?
They just dump ’em.
A local business was looking for office help. The owners put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. The receptionist got the idea and told the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager led him into his office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog went to the computer and created a program that ran perfectly the first time. By now, the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting skills. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down, went to a copy of the sign, and put his paw on the sentence that read “We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you must speak two languages.” The dog looked calmly at the manager and said, “Meow.” 
How to freak out people in a crowded elevator:
• Make explosion noises whenever someone hits a button.
• Stand silently in a corner, facing the wall. There is scientific proof that if you do this long enough, the other passengers will all turn and face the wall, too.
• Meow occasionally.
• Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Yell “Ding!” at each floor.
Who gets the most respect in the circus?
The tall man—everyone looks up to him.
Did you hear that the fire-eater got engaged?
He ran into an old flame.
Did you hear how hard it is to get a job as a sword-swallower?
There’s cutthroat competition.
A man who had been working for the circus for many years as Mr. Tiny, the shortest man alive, agreed to meet with a local newspaper reporter one Sunday to be interviewed. The reporter arrived on time but was surprised to be greeted by a man who was nearly six feet tall. The reporter thought he must be in the wrong place and asked for Mr. Tiny.
“That’s me,” said the man.
“But you’re supposed to be short!” said the reporter.
Mr. Tiny said, “I told you—this is my day off.”
Why did the pantyhose need a lawyer?
They were on the run.
Why did the sticker need a lawyer?
It was ripped off.
What are a gas station attendant’s favorite shoes?
Pumps.
What are a plumber’s favorite shoes?
Clogs.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
Maya Rudolph
Like many famous comedians before her, Maya Rudolph got her start as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, joining in 2000 after a brief stint with the Groundlings improv troupe. Her command of different accents and a talent for impressions allowed her to play a wide range of characters. The daughter of a soul singer, Maya inherited her mother’s musical talent and often sang in sketches on the show.
But the role that really made her a household name came in 2011’s blockbuster Bridesmaids. The movie, starring SNL castmate Kristen Wiig, is about the high jinks and obstacles leading up to Rudolph’s character’s wedding. The movie was both critically and commercially successful and was one of the first comedies to be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.
After leaving SNL, Rudolph went on to star in the comedy series Up All Night. The show follows a new mother (Christina Applegate) who goes back to work as a producer on the talk show of her best friend (Rudolph), while her husband (Will Arnett) stays home to raise their baby. With her ability to play a wide range of characters, we feel this recent star will be around for a while.
A frog went to a bank to apply for a loan. Patty Whack, the woman in charge of loans, asked if he had anything to leave for collateral. “Don’t worry,” she said. “When you pay back the loan, we’ll return it to you.”
He showed her a small porcelain statue and said, “This is what I have. It is a family heirloom and it’s very special to me. If it helps my case, I should add that my father is Mick Jagger.”
She took the statue to the bank president and said, “There’s a frog out there who wants a loan. His dad is Mick Jagger, and this is what he gave me as proof that we can trust him, but I don’t know what it is. Should I give him the money?”
The bank president said, “Why, that’s a knickknack, Patty Whack, give that frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
What do you call a king’s sore throat?
A royal pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the wizard who became a film director?
He really made movie magic.
How does the snake charmer sign his letters?
“Love and hisses.”
Where do spies do their shopping?
At the snooper market.
How did the fisherman go deaf?
He lost his herring.
A young man at a construction site always bragged that he was stronger than everyone else there. He especially made fun of one of the older workers. After a while, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s pay that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”
Mortimer the Magnificent tried for ages to get into the circus. When Trevor’s Traveling Carnival came to town, he begged and pleaded with the owner to watch his act. The owner finally agreed. Mortimer stepped into the center ring and began flapping his arms wildly, and within moments he rose off the ground. As he went higher and faster, he began to do all kinds of tricks: barrel rolls and loop-the-loops, swan dives and somersaults. After about 20 minutes of this, Mortimer floated back down to the ground and landed gracefully right in front of the circus owner. The owner took a puff on his cigar and asked, “So. What else do you do besides bird impersonations?”
A private eye had just moved into his new office when there was a knock at the door. He wanted to make a good impression, so he yelled “Come in!” and picked up the phone, pretending to be talking to someone important. The visitor waited patiently, and after a minute the detective hung up the phone and said, “As you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
“Not much,” replied the visitor. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
What do you get when you cross a comedian with crochet?
A knit wit.
Why couldn’t the bodybuilder cross the road?
The traffic was too heavy.
A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back up with dirt. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the woman asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and then filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”
Why did the comedian put on his sneakers?
He wanted to tell a running joke.
Why did the young woman take the job at the glue factory?
It was fast paste.
The dentist took one look at Billy’s mouth and said, “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Billy looked at him and said, “I heard you, Doc. You don’t have to repeat yourself.”
“I didn’t. That was an echo.”
Why did the upholsterer quit her job?
She was worn out.
Three boys were watching a fire truck roaring down the street with a beautiful Dalmatian riding on top of it.
The first boy said, “They use him to pull children to safety.”
“You’re wrong,” said the second boy. “He helps keep people away from the fire.”
“Both of you are wrong,” announced the third. “They use him to find the fire hydrant.”
Homonyms
You may be thinking, “Oh no! Not a grammar lesson! Isn’t this book supposed to be funny?”
However, if you want to be a comedian, it helps to know your language inside and out. After all, wordplay is a big part of telling jokes. The English language is full of crazy words that sound exactly the same but aren’t spelled alike and have completely different meanings.
These are called homonyms.
An example of a joke that makes good use of a homonym:
Q: What’s the difference between a bus driver and a bad cold?
A: One knows the stops and the other one stops the nose!
The joke is funny because “knows” and “nose” sound the same but mean very different things. Telling a joke like this makes you look very, very smart!
What happened when the dry cleaner was mugged?
He pressed charges.
A young woman is speeding down a freeway when she is stopped by a highway patrol officer. The officer asks if he could please see her driver’s license. The woman replies angrily, “I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license, and now you expect me to show it to you!”
A taxi driver picked up his passenger. As they were driving along the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver jumped, screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a pole, went up on the curb, and stopped inches from a building.
Everything was quiet in the cab, until the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared me half to death!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize a little tap would scare you that bad.”
“Sorry, it’s not really your fault,” the driver replied. “Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this I was driving a funeral hearse.”
A young boy enters a barbershop, and the barber turns to his customer and whispers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch, I’ll prove it.”
The barber calls the boy over. He then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other and asks the boy, “Which do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “He’s been doing that all week. That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice-cream store. He walks up to the boy and asks, “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
They’re always rounding things up.
Why didn’t the cashier get the punch line?
It didn’t register.
Why did the boy quit his job at the eraser factory?
His work rubbed him the wrong way.
A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in her neighborhood.
The dispatcher asks, “How do we get there?”
The woman replies, “Don’t you still have those big red fire trucks?”
Why did the baker sell his bread only to the rich and famous?
He wanted to work for the upper crust.
What did the baker think of the joke?
He got a rise out of it.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the hole thing.
Why does Joe work at the bakery?
He kneads the dough.
An astronaut graduated near the bottom of his class. On his first mission into space, he was teamed up with a monkey. They each got an envelope that they were to open once they got into orbit, with instructions for their mission. Once they had blasted off and were in space, the monkey opened his envelope, read the instructions, and began flicking buttons and hitting switches. The astronaut opened up his own envelope and found a note that read:
“Feed the monkey.”
How does the vaudeville player save so much money?
He gets everything for a song and a dance.
Why did the engineer leave locomotive school?
She felt she already had enough training.
Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
Because they were standing on the deck!
Why did the human cannonball choose this line of work?
He wanted to be a big shot.
A woman goes ice fishing. She takes out an ice pick and begins to hack away. She hears a loud voice from above saying, “There’re no fish there.” She goes to another spot and starts to pick away. Again comes the voice: “There’re no fish there either.” She tries a third spot. Once more, she hears the voice from above say, “Nope. Not there either.” Finally, the woman, growing a little nervous, looks up and asks, “Are you God?” The response from above booms, “No. I’m the arena manager.”
What do angels say when they answer the telephone?
“Halo!”
What do you get when you cross a CD player with a secretary?
A stereotype.
Why did the journalist go to the ice-cream parlor?
She wanted to get the scoop.
Why did the coffee-shop waitress love her job?
Because there were so many perks.
What did the farmer say when she fell in the haystack?
“Somebody bale me out!”
What did the tailor say after his client fired him?
“Suit yourself.”
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire, but it was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling in the nearby volunteer firefighting crew. Nobody knew if the volunteers would be of any help, but they called them anyway.
The volunteers arrived in a beat-up old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped! The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and started frantically spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two smaller parts that they then easily put out.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That should be obvious,” he replied, wiping ashes off his coat. “The first thing we’re going to do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!”
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Why did the stagehand quit her job?
She wanted a change of scenery.
Why did everyone find the baker funny?
He had a rye sense of humor.
While walking home from work a businessman comes across an old lamp. He gently rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie then informs the man that he may have one wish. The man is incredibly grateful and says, “This is perfect timing. I have a really important presentation to give to the CEO of my company in a couple of days and need it to go smoothly.”
“Very well,” says the genie. “All you have to do before the presentation is say ‘one-two-three’ and you’ll give the best presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ as this will cause you to freeze up and make a fool of yourself. Understand?” The man says he does and continues on his way home.
At home he does what the genie said and tries the presentation and it goes perfectly. He tries it at work the next day and his colleagues give him a standing ovation.
The day of the presentation comes and everything’s ready. The CEO signals him to start and he whispers under his breath, “one-two-three.”
Then the CEO asks, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”
Why did the tailor go to the farm?
So he could sew some oats.
What do farmers plant in their sofas?
Couch potatoes.
When are farmers mean?
When they pull the ears off corn!
A woman is interviewing for a job. The interviewer says, “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
“That’s great! I’m definitely the one you want,” the woman replies. “At my last job every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
How do you learn to be a judge?
Mostly through trial and error.
Why was the firefighter lovesick?
She couldn’t get over an old flame.
A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asked, “So, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the sailor. “How did you get that hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand.”
“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked in surprise.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
What kind of trains do ballerinas take?
Tutu trains.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
“Pick a cod, any cod.”
A cowboy traveled from Arizona to Texas on Tuesday, stayed for five days and five nights, and traveled back to Arizona on Tuesday. How was that possible?
His horse was named Tuesday.
Why are perfume salespeople so smart?
They have good scents.
What’s the Man of Steel’s household chore?
Supper, man.
What did the milkmaid say to the anxious butter?
“You’ll have to wait your churn.”
Does a roller coaster like its work?
It has its ups and downs.
The groundskeeper at a park heard a commotion in the lake. He saw a man thrashing around in the water, and said to him, “Hey, don’t you know there’s no swimming allowed here?”
“I’m drowning!” screamed the man, trying to keep his head above water.
“Oh well, I guess that’s allowed,” said the groundskeeper.
PASSENGER: How much to take me to the airport?
CAB DRIVER: Ten dollars, sir.
PASSENGER: And how much for my suitcase?
CAB DRIVER: No charge for the suitcase, sir.
PASSENGER: Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Would you like dinner, sir?
PASSENGER: What are my choices?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes or no.
Why do firefighters slide down a pole in the firehouse?
Because it’s too hard to slide up.
Why do the firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
What did the owner of the coffee shop give to her new employees?
A list of do’s and donuts.
Julio’s sister asked him what he thought about his job at the plant.
“Well, it’s growing on me,” said Julio.
