Extinct Animals and Funny Fossils
Where did Tyrannosaurus rex live?
Anywhere it wanted to.
Why aren’t there any dinosaurs in animal crackers?
Because they’re extinct, silly! And anyway, they wouldn’t fit in the box.
What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What is a T. rex’s favorite number?
8.
What do you get when you cross a T. rex with some fireworks?
Dino-mite.
What do you call a fossil that never works?
Lazy bones.
What do you call a T. rex that has nothing interesting to say?
A dino-bore.
What do you call a T. rex that gets the winning goal?
A dino-score.
Did you hear the rumor about the dinosaur that terrorized Florida?
It was a croc.
How do you know when a dinosaur has gone bad?
Check her expiration date.
What do you get when you cross a prehistoric animal with a cat?
A ’saur-puss.
What music do hip dinosaurs listen to?
Raptor music.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a chicken?
When you come down with a cold, nobody ever offers you a bowl of hot pterodactyl soup.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a parrot?
You’d know the answer if you ever let a pterodactyl sit on your shoulder.
What’s the difference between a pterodactyl and a turkey?
The drumsticks are bigger on a pterodactyl.
Where do pterodactyls park their cars?
In Jurassic parking lots.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animal has?
Baby dinosaurs.
Which dinosaur sleeps all day?
The dino-snore.
SPOTLIGHT
Friends
you’ve heard of Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross, right? They’re household names thanks to the hit series Friends, which revolved around these six friends dealing with the ups and downs of everyday life. The series was so hugely popular because viewers could easily relate to the situations the characters found themselves in. Even though their experiences were exaggerated, it only made everything funnier. The series debuted in 1994, ran for 10 seasons, and is one of the most highly syndicated shows on television today. At the time it was on the air, the show was a huge pop-culture hit as well, introducing “the Rachel” hairdo and catchphrases “How you doin’?” and “on a break.”
How do you know there’s a brontosaurus in the house?
The cheese is missing from the mousetraps.
How do you know there’s a tyrannosaurus in the house?
The brontosaurus is missing.
What do you call it when a tyrannosaurus throws a brontosaurus at another tyrannosaurus?
Food fight!
Where did the dodo bird like to fly for his winter vacation?
Nowhere—dodoes couldn’t fly.
Why did the first fish grow legs and walk out of the ocean?
He had to go to the bathroom.
When do dinosaurs put on bandages?
When they get dino-sores.
Who puts braces on woolly mammoths?
The mastodontist.
Why did the brontosaurus climb into the active volcano?
He wasn’t very smart.
What did the stegosaurus say to the cute brontosaurus at the tar pit?
“Hey, I’m glad you decided to stick around.”
Classic Comedy
Good comedy is all about pleasing the audience. Take William Shakespeare, for example. Usually, we think of Shakespeare’s plays as difficult academic works. But Shakespeare’s comedic plays, such as The Taming of the Shrew, As You Like It, and Twelfth Night, are uproariously funny and loaded with plays on words, silly characters, and loads of comic situations. The playwright’s tragedies are masterpieces of the English language, too. Many of our sayings come directly from Shakespeare, in fact. Shakespeare wrote for the people—he consciously avoided the stiff, snobby style of other writers in order to please the people in the theater.
When did cave people invent hockey?
During the ice age.
If a triceratops and a pebble are standing on the edge of a cliff, which one jumps first?
The pebble—it’s a little boulder.
What kind of shoes do dinosaurs wear?
Triceratops.
What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricera-bottom.
Which dinosaur roamed the wild, wild west?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.
And what did he ride?
A bronco-saurus.
Where does a T. rex buy clothes?
A dino-store.
How do you brush a saber-toothed tiger’s teeth?
Very carefully.
Why did the dinosaurs become extinct?
Because they wouldn’t take a bath.
What’s louder than a dinosaur?
A whole bunch of dinosaurs.
What do you get when you turn a dinosaur upside down?
A triceratops-y turvy.
What kind of material do dinosaurs use for the floors of their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Where does the T. rex go for vacation?
The dino-shore.
Why do museums only have old bones?
Because they can’t afford new ones!
What is the scariest dinosaur?
Terror-dactyl.
What did the dinosaur use as flooring?
Rep-tiles.
What kind of accidents do dinosaurs get into?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a reptile who hangs out in bars?
A lounge lizard.
What’s round, covered with chocolate, and tastes like a wooly mammoth?
A masto-donut.
Why did the Apatosaurus have the factory for dinner?
Because she was a plant eater!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Po-lice open the door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Deluxe.
Deluxe who?
Deluxe-smith. I’m here to fix de lock.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me some tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you!
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say “banana”?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
No, kangaroo!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. That’s why I knocked!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Polo.
Polo who?
Polo-ver, you’re under arrest.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Xena.
Xena who?
Xena good movie lately?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
IBM.
IBM who?
IBM. Who be you?
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother minute to think it over.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Electra.
Electra who?
Electricity. Isn’t that shocking?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Omelette.
Omelette who?
Omelette smarter than I sound.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Thor.
Thor who?
Thorry, wrong door.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Usher.
Usher who?
Usher wish you’d let me in!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Raven.
Raven who?
Raven lunatic who wants to knock your door down!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Byte.
Byte who?
Byte you’re happy to see me again.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
DOS.
DOS who?
DOS your computer have an operating system?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cow go.
Cow go who?
No, cow go moo.
Who’s there?
Huron.
Huron who?
Huron my toe, could you please step off it?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lotus.
Lotus who?
Lotus in and we’ll tell you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Comma.
Comma who?
Comma little closer and I’ll kiss you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alaska.
Alaska who?
Alaska ’nother person if you don’t know the answer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sparrow.
Sparrow who?
Sparrow me the details and let me in.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you asking me that again. I just told you!
Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
I think you won’t.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
See? You’ve forgotten me already!
Try these totally tasteless tongue twisters:
Sick Suzy sucks slimy snot.
Can canned clams can clams?
The fifth fink sinks faster than the first four finks think.
Such a silly tongue twister mustn’t be mumbled.
Feeble felines fear fur.
Sneaking in my creaky squeaky reeking sneakers.
Betty better butter Buddy’s bread.
A cheeky chipmunk chucked cheap chocolate chips in the cheap chocolate-chip store.
I’m hooked on the book Brooke brought back from the Brookside bookstore.
Kent sent Trent the rent to rent Trent’s tent.
Sally saw Shelley singing swinging summer swimming songs.
The corn on the cob made Bob the Slob’s sobbing stop.
The ocean sure soaked Sherman.
Can you say these three times fast?
She freed six sick sheep.
She freed three shy sheep.
