book title

After I drop Chloe off at work, I know where I’m going, even if the idea makes my palms sweat. Wiping them across the thighs of my jeans, I take a steadying breath.

I can do this. I can visit my mother and survive it. I’ve done far harder shit than this. Like fight in a war, and bury my wife and baby. Seeing my mom, that’s a walk in the park.

I decided sometime in the middle of the night that I was ready to face this particular battle, but I figured the light of day would have me rethinking the idea. Thandi was utterly shocked when I called this morning for the address. Hell, so was I.

Now I’m cruising slowly down the palm tree-lined Sunset Blvd mustering my confidence. I pull down the driveway and note that the house is actually more modest than most on this street, but it’s still unrealistically large. How much square footage does one person need?

Then again, knowing my mom, she has probably remarried, maybe several times, by now.

As I stop the Jeep, off to the side I notice a tennis court where a woman and two younger men are playing. My stomach flips as I realize the woman is Mom. She hasn’t aged a day. That’s L.A. for you.

Who are those two young men with her, though? They look barely of legal age to have a drink, and I hope one of them isn’t her boyfriend.

They finally spot me, and my mother cranes to look at who has pulled into her driveway. I hadn’t really expected to come this far. I thought I’d turn around for sure, or probably just drive by to look at the place she calls home. Instead, I’ve pulled confidently up her driveway. The panic starts to pound in my ears as the trio walks over to me.

I step out of the Jeep with a confidence I do not have.

“Hello, Mother,” I say with a stilted wave and straight face.

“Henry? Baby?” she gasps, quickening her pace. She stops right in front of me, and I can see a tear has broken free from her eye. She wipes at it with the back of her hand, and I notice there’s no ring on her finger. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything though, people take those off from time to time.

The two young men stand just behind her, off either of her shoulders, and stare at me intently.

I nod. “Hey.” That’s all I can think of to say to her. It’s been so long. I had spoken such cruel words when we last met. What more can be said right now?

“I can’t believe you’re really here.” Her arm twitches at her side and then falls again, like she is holding back. As much hate as I’ve felt for her over the years, I still feel something soft somewhere deep inside toward her.

In a gesture of peace I find somewhere buried within me, I raise my arms out to welcome her into a hug.

She doesn’t hesitate, throwing herself into my grip and hugging me so tight it hurts. Her shoulders bounce with sobs, and when she pulls back, she wipes at the now dripping mascara under her eyes. “Look at me, I’m a mess.” She sniffles. “These are your brothers, Kingston and Maveric.”

“My brothers?” I repeat in shock, my eyes popping wide as I hold out a hand to the men. They each take my palm in a firm shake. I’m now intently studying their faces. I don’t see a resemblance, but that can happen in siblings I suppose. The most confusing part of all of this is their age. She’d have had to have them the minute she left my father, by the looks of them.

“Well, half-brothers,” Kingston informs me.

My eyebrow cocks up. I’ve never pictured my mother the type to have more children. It sounds too motherly for someone like her. Maybe there is more to her than I’ve realized. The thought is overwhelming as I question everything I think I know about her... was my sixteen-year-old self ill-informed about her split with my dad? I’ve not thought about it before through adult eyes, honestly. It’s been filed away so long.

“Do you want to come inside, have a bit to eat or a coffee and catch up?” my mother asks, face hopeful.

Do I? Maybe, but this is a lot to process. My emotions are running on overdrive. I need to get out of here. Fast.

I shake my head, checking my watch. “I was really just driving by. I have a commitment in a bit, and I need to get on the road.”

Her face drops for a beat before she fixes a smile on her lips. “Maybe another time while you’re still in town?”

I nod. “I’d like that.” Who am I right now? I don’t know whether I should be proud of my progress or worried that I’m losing my mind.

With another quick hug, I step back into the Jeep and pull out of the driveway. My mom and brothers stand on the pavement watching me with matching baffled expressions.

“Can we just eat room service?” I propose. “I had a crazy day.”

“Of course. Did everyone treat you okay?” she questions. “Because I can let management know...”

I shake my head. “No, everyone was fine, more or less. I just sort of did something big before I got in today.”

Her eyebrow cocks. “Feel like sharing?”

Tightening my grip on the steering wheel, I take a breath. “I went to see my mom.”

Chloe is quiet, but she gives me a weak smile and waits for me to continue.

“It’s been twenty years,” I admit.

“That must have been hard.” She shakes her head.

I snort at the understatement.

“So, you hadn’t seen her since you were what, sixteen?” Her face twists in confusion.

Am I really going to open this can of worms? I think I am. Somehow, telling Chloe about this stuff seems to take some of its searing power away.

“Even my squadron doesn’t know any of this. Not even about me coming from L.A. Keep it between us, okay?”

She rubs my forearm. “Of course.”

I look down at the spot she’s touched and continue, “My mom was your age when she married my dad, but he was in his late seventies.”

Whatever she thinks about that information, I can’t tell because her face remains steady. “When he turned ninety-one, he got really sick, and she divorced him quickly. I was left caring for him for two years as he declined. I had to drop out of school. I mean, I could have hired more help, but it was important to me that I spent every minute with him that I could.”

My knuckles are white from gripping the wheel so hard. I loosen my fists and drop my right hand to my lap. Chloe reaches over and rests her hand on the back of mine. Her touch is comforting, and I find the strength to continue, “After that, I hated her for leaving him while he needed us. She was off living the high life with his money, and he was fighting for each breath.”

We pull into the hotel lot, and I park in a space, cutting the engine.

“What made you want to see her again?” she asks. I know it isn’t to pry, she’s not like that, so I decide to be honest with her.

“It was something an old friend told me recently. My mom had been donating to a group that researches amniotic fluid embolisms, the very thing that killed Sarah.”

Chloe’s head tilts. “Isn’t... Isn’t that something that affects women during childbirth?”

My mouth forms a tight line, and I slam my eyes shut. If I think too much about that part, I will break down into ugly sobs right here in front of Chloe.

After a few moments, I let out a heavy breath and study my hands. “Yes.”

“Oh my god, Henry,” Chloe says, tone full of pity. She leans over, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, and I twist to lean into her hug. We stay like that for a while until the sound of a car pulling up next to us breaks the moment. We pull apart, and I wipe my eyes.

“It’s been years now, but it still hurts,” I admit.

“Of course, it does. It might always hurt.” She frowns.

“Telling you about it feels good, though. Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, Henry. Anytime.”

We head inside and walk quietly to the room. I grab the menu and then pass it to Chloe. She calls with our orders, and then we settle on the bed.

“Did you have a chance to call the police today?” I ask her.

She nods. “Yup. They said there isn’t really a lot they can do without evidence.”

I let out an exasperated sigh. “That’s not acceptable.”

“What can I do?” She rubs her hands through her hair, and I can tell she’s stressed by the problem.

“Beef up your security, for starters.”

“I’ll do some research.” She nods. “Should we watch a movie?”

I don’t want to let this topic go. Every fiber of my being is screaming right now to do something, to protect Chloe. But I also don’t want to push anything she doesn’t want to talk about, and she has clearly changed the subject.

She taps her chin. “Hmm. What was your favorite as a kid?”

The question is unexpected, and I have to search way back in my memory. I haven’t seen any movies in years.

“The Goonies,” I say with a smile.

“Yes!” Her eyes go wide. “It was a little before my time, but I saw it with some friends in high school and loved it.”

I cover my forehead with my hand. “You think I’m older than I am, woman. I saw it in high school too. It had been out for fifteen years already.”

She blushes. “My bad.”

“Indeed, your bad,” I scold her. “So, is there a way to watch it on the television?” I question, unsure how all this technology works nowadays.

She purses her lips, holding back a smile. I shoot her a warning glance. “Yes,” she answers, grabbing the remote.

In a few minutes, she has the movie up, and I close the blackout curtains to darken the room, flicking on the dim bedside light.

When the movie starts, Chloe brandishes her hand like she’s directing the dramatic opening music. As I mimic her, we turn to each other, and our motions get even more exaggerated, each trying to one-up the other, until we devolve into a fit of laughter.

“I always imagined having friends like this,” she tells me as the rag-tag crew of misfits assembles together in the film.

“You didn’t have good friends growing up?”

“I mean, I had one best friend. We were considered nerds and lived in a small town, so I just didn’t have the big group of friends is all. That’s actually something I love about Port Providence, it kind of has the vibe of this movie, doesn’t it?”

“How do you figure?” I lean back into the pillows and get comfortable, my hands resting above my head.

Chloe scoots up to join me. “Everyone always popping over to each other’s houses, working together toward some dangerous adventure or another.”

“Huh. I guess I can see it.”

By the time the kids are breaking into the basement of the restaurant in the movie, our food arrives at the door. We set the trays on the bed and pull off the silver lids to reveal steaming plates. Chloe got something called rattlesnake pasta, and I got a steak with au gratin potatoes. “That looks good.” I nod to hers.

She organizes a bite on her fork and holds it up for me. “Try some.”

I lean in and take the offering. It’s spicy, but definitely tasty. “Mhm. I should try to bring back some more spicy seasonings when I head home.”

For some reason, mentioning that I’ll be going home makes me a little sad. It’s completely unexpected, especially because four days ago I could have never imagined having this particular feeling. Hell, I’d never have guessed I’d be sharing a bed with Chloe, cuddling her, dancing with her... or meeting up with my mom again. Everything about L.A. has been such a surprise. I start to wonder if I’ve stayed in the mountains of Port Providence too long. Island life can be very isolating. Have my wounds only festered up there?

Later in the movie, Chloe sighs audibly.

“What is it?” I ask her.

“Even Mikey had his first kiss as a teenager. I’ve always hated how much romance is in movies. I can’t relate at all. I’m probably a little jealous.”

Never been kissed? She said she is a virgin and that she’s never cuddled, but I guess I just assumed that at some point she’d done other things, especially kissing. I don’t mean to start pitying her, but kissing and cuddling are such wonderful staples in life... then again, there is an irony to my thoughts, since I’ve managed to remove all potential for such pleasures from my own life.

“Don’t beat yourself up.” I try to comfort her and hook my arm around her shoulders, tugging her into my side. “You’ve got plenty of time for all that. Besides, not being boy crazy means you’ve probably had time to do other amazing things.”

“I spent a lot of time messing around with my camera back in the day, which led me to film school. I had dreams of being a director, like everyone does. Now I have my student-loan debt from NYU to keep me warm at night,” she snarks.

“Damn. Is that why you live in that apartment then?”

She rests her head on my shoulder. “Yup. And that’s why I don’t have a car either. I’m broke as a joke and have never been kissed.”

I have a pretty constant level of guilt that I live with because of the amount of money in my trust fund. It’s only eased because I donate the interest earnings each year to worthy causes, but when I hear about situations like Chloe’s where she has to live somewhere dangerous and ride the sketchy city bus everywhere, I wish I could help.

“Listen, Chloe, if you need some money...” I start, but she gives me a serious look and slaps my thigh.

“Don’t you dare...” She gives me a stern look. “Port Providence needs every spare penny you guys can muster. We both know that.”

Her words make me ache a little. Should I have been donating more to my own town all these years? When I moved there, the thought never occurred to me, and I guess over the years I’ve tended to ignore my trust fund so much that I never realized the potential. At least the money is going to good use in the meantime.

“Well, let me help you with at least one thing,” I suggest.

Chloe takes a long look at me, her head tilting in question. “Okay. One thing, but only if it’s teeny tiny.”

I nod. “Good. Tell me what I can help with.” I feel a sense of peace finally. Helping Chloe is important to me, and I don’t want her to go on like she is, suffering in that apartment.

“You can kiss me,” she says in a quiet voice, almost a whisper.

Her idea for how I can help knocks me completely off my feet. “Wh-what?” I stutter and shake my head. “You can’t be serious.”

“If you don’t want to, then by all means, please don’t. But you asked how you can help me, and I was thinking, I feel so comfortable with you. I know you would never take advantage of me. We’ve become pretty good friends. It just would be nice if it were you. My first kiss.”