“When is it ever going to go away?” a twenty-something adoptee tearfully asked at an adoption workshop I was leading recently. She was referring to her anger—volcanic anger which erupted in waves at unwelcome times.
She was not alone that day. Fellow adoptees nodded silently and compassionately. So did I.
I can remember temper tantrums as a young child. Even though I can’t recall what triggered them, I can still see my toddler self on the floor crying her heart out. As an adolescent, my temper exploded over issues about dating. How long could I stay out on a date? Where could I go? These are normal struggles for any adolescent, but for me my parents’ answers to these questions carried more weight. I was not only attempting to try my wings and discover my personal boundaries as all teens do, but I was also trying to resolve more foundational questions related to being adopted: Who am I really? How much am I worth? Where is my place in this world?
During these times, I would light into my adoptive mother with words that would wound the strongest of parents. Then the rage would pass, and I would feel extremely guilty, for I dearly wanted to be good … but I had blown it once again.
As a young adult, angry outbursts and threats to leave my husband were common fare. I erupted over even small disagreements. When Bob went on a business trip, I got ticked. Beneath my anger was my primal fear of abandonment. Anger also surfaced whenever he didn’t live up to my expectations (perfection). It was as if I were on a roller coaster, propelled by anger.
The dictionary defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a real or supposed wrong.” Put in adoption terms, the adoptee feels wronged in a primal way. Even though a child may not consciously process his or her hurt about relinquishment, deep inside is the question “How can a woman carry a baby for nine months and then just give it away?” I remember an adult adoptee telling her story and when she got to the words “just give it away,” her voice cracked with emotion. Another woman summed up her sense of injustice by saying “I just can’t believe that she [the birth mother] went on with life without me.”
Paradoxically, that sense of injustice lies within the adoptee’s heart alongside a mysterious love and loyalty to the birth mother. This has been evident in our support group of adults adopted as children, and I believe it is true for the adopted child as well.
One adult adoptee got more in touch with those paradoxical feelings while she was exploring her adoption losses by visiting a local hospital’s nursery. She studied the babies for a few minutes and tried to put herself in their place. How might she have felt at birth and relinquishment? What would have been going on around her? She journaled her thoughts and read them to her support group.
The response of the group was affirmative, but also subdued. At the next meeting, she confessed her fear of having gone too far in verbalizing her secret thoughts about her birth mother. It was then that a twenty-year-old male adoptee replied, “I wanted to ask you for a copy, but was afraid to.”
Here are the thoughts she recorded.
Why is it that you have the say-so in every situation, from
birth onward,
and I am left without a choice or a voice?
Why is it that you have sent me into exile
in order to prevent yourself from having to go into exile?
Why is it that you let me sit here without what I need
to be whole?
Why have I been more concerned about the well-being of you,
dear birth mother,
than I have for my own well-being?
Why is my reason for wanting to find you borne out of worry
for you—
I want to assure you that I am fine so you don’t have to worry
about me?
Why is it that I give you so much power, such control?
Why is it that I have often been angry at God for screwing up
my life by making me an adoptee,
when in reality, he removed me from your life for my own
emotional protection?
Why am I willing to carry your pain for a lifetime
by letting you have the say-so in every situation?
Why?
Will someone please tell me?
I hope these thoughts will provide clues about the unspoken thoughts of your adopted child. The greatest indicator that a child has a hidden loyalty toward the birth mother is his resistance to the adoptive mother. Nancy Verrier, internationally known speaker, author, and adoptive mother, explains in The Primal Wound, “It is the adoptee’s actual experience of the abandonment which causes him to project the abandoning mother upon the adoptive mother. She is, after all, available, while the birth mother is not.”
Anger is a complex emotion, to say the least. It can be repressed, directed elsewhere, or projected onto someone else. Thus, anger is comprised of many tangled messages. Besides the central message of “I’ve been wronged,” there are other thoughts that hide in many adoptees’ minds.
I believe the adoptee’s anger is directed primarily at the birth mother, with the intent of punishing her for abandonment as well as crying from the depths of the adoptee’s heart for a reunion.
“Mommy, you’ve made a mistake by leaving me. Don’t ever leave me again. Please come back!”
Adoptee anger, more often than not, crosses over into rage—primal rage, which, I believe, is born the moment the birth mother ceases to be present. Verrier in The Primal Wound explains: “I am talking about overwhelming anger that seems to come out of nowhere and which either explodes onto the scene or is buried so that it makes one numb. I am talking about infant rage. The rage seems so powerful to the person who expects that it lurks within him that he often fails to feel it at all. Other people seem to be angry at everyone and everything.…”
Listen to the words one adoptee penned when getting in touch with her primal rage a few years ago: “Oh, little baby, so soft and so pure. You have no idea that volcanic anger has been borne in your breast toward the one who gave you away. You have no idea that the seeds of fear lay buried in your heart, ready to ripen as the years go by. You have no idea that there is a God watching over you, Who loves you deeply. You have no idea of the tears He weeps, as He looks at your life from beginning to end, and sees the devastation resulting from this moment in time. You have no idea. You just sleep on.”
When an adoptee gets in touch with the rage, it seems endless and uncontrollable, for to the infant, there is no sense of time or of personal power to bring the pain to an end.
Another message behind adoptee anger is “I am lonely.” Loneliness is the emotion of isolation. It is the empty feeling that connection with someone close has been broken.
In this regard, many adoptees feel angry at their adoptive mother because she was not their “tummy mommy.” They missed out on the closeness with her, and long for it.
Drs. Fisher and Watkins, in Talking With Young Children About Adoption, say that even toddlers express these thoughts. They give the example of a two-and-a-half-year-old child: “Did your belly get big and fat when I was inside?” (Parent explains no.) “But I want to be in your belly.”
The adoptee’s anger is also directed at any others she believes have played a part in the loss or are in some way obstructing a reunion, mainly the adoptive parents. Adoptive parents, especially mothers, often get the brunt of the adoptee’s anger, for they are present. It is more difficult to be angry with someone who is a mystery (the birth mother). While the adoptee may harbor deep rage at the birth mother, often she is not consciously aware of it.
I was plagued with guilt most of my life for the anger I held toward my adoptive mother. I thought it was a defect in me. But now I realize I was angry for some reasons that make sense in light of the losses I had experienced.
I was angry at my adoptive mom for not exploring the subject of adoption openly with me. I was angry that the subject of adoption made her uncomfortable. I was angry that she ridiculed me whenever I showed anger or strong emotion. I was angry that she took my adoption questions lightly. Because she was unable to help me process my loss and grief, I ended up blaming her for it. She was not responsible for my losses, but I needed her to “hear” the deepest cries of my heart. She couldn’t, and that made me angry.
Another message adoptee anger carries with it is “I must protect myself against further loss. Therefore, I will shut you out.” This is usually an unconscious thought, but it is evidenced by the adoptee who will let the adoptive mother get close enough to be “almost” a mother, but not completely.
When an adoptive mother senses this wall of separation (aloofness) created by repression of unresolved grief, she is likely to interpret it as rejection and then feel more insecure in her role as a mother. Her insecurities are then perceived by the child as rejection, and so the cycle of separation continues.
Clinical psychologists Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud in their book Boundaries state: “Children need to be taught that anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose: to tell us that there’s a problem that needs to be confronted. Anger is a way for children to know that their experience is different than someone else’s.”
Remember that your child may not view the miracle of adoption as positively as you do. Your child is going through a unique experience that, unless you were adopted yourself, you cannot fully comprehend. Through his anger, your child may be crying out in the only way he knows for reunion with his lost mother and for closeness with you. It is crucial that you come to understand your child’s unique journey so you can help him make the connections he needs to heal.
Adoptee anger may manifest in several ways. It need not always be a temper tantrum directed at others; rather, it can be like moss growing in a damp, dark corner of a basement.
Betty Jean Lifton, Ph.D., internationally known author and speaker, says in Journey of the Adopted Self, “Anger, the other side of depression, is always waiting to be tapped in the adoptee.… Anger that adoptees have built up over the years can erupt as uncontrollable rage. There is the unexpressed anger that they are adopted; anger that they are different; anger that they are powerless to know their origins; anger that they cannot express their real feelings in a family climate of denial. When this anger is allowed to build in a child over the years, it will eventually surface as aggression—stealing, setting fires, destroying property—and, if left unresolved, as violence.”
Leon Cytryn, M.D., and Donald McKnew, M.D., clinical professors at George Washington University Medical School and authors of Growing Up Sad: Childhood Depression and Its Treatment, describe three kinds of depression in children from six to twelve: acute, chronic, and masked.
Acute and chronic depression have similar features, which include severe impairment of the child’s scholastic and social adjustment; disturbances of sleep and eating; feelings of despair, helplessness, hopelessness; retardation of movement; and occasional thoughts or attempts of suicide.
Masked depression is often associated with acting-out behavior. This arises when a person tries to relive or act out various emotions through such antisocial acts as stealing, setting fires, using drugs, running away, and beating up on people. Masked depression results in antisocial behavior because the child is aggressively acting out what he is secretly feeling inside.
Birth mother Carol Komissaroff, in her superb article “The Angry Adoptee” for Kinquest, Inc., says, “The only difference between adoptee anger and any other kind of anger is that adoptees rarely talk openly about their adoption-related anger at home. Why? First, it is bad practice to bite the hand that feeds you. Second, it makes parents uncomfortable. So, they store it up and let it out in other ways, some of them anti-social.”
Drs. Cytryn and McKnew alert parents to the symptoms of masked depression:
A child who shows no signs of being comforted or of resuming normal life within a week of falling into a low mood (no matter what the reason)—or within six months after undergoing what to him is a severe loss.
How does the child function in everyday life? Does he play as much as usual? Keep up with class? Are the plane models lying around? Or the dolls? Is the bicycle being ridden?
Sudden changes in eating and sleeping patterns. A depressed child may get a great deal of sleep and still feel constantly tired. Do you hear him up early and wonder why?
Suicidal tendencies. Gentle probing can bring out any plans he may have made.
Does he creep off to his room while at home but act cheerful outside of home?
Down on himself for almost everything … “Why can’t I ride my bike better?”
There are several things parents can do if they sense depression:
Avoid scapegoating (singling out child and blaming him for family problems).
Validate the anger, frustration, depression.
Give him special amounts of attention.
I believe there are two primary triggers for adoptee anger: rejection and fear.
Without a doubt, anger is ignited whenever the adoptee perceives rejection or invalidation—whenever there is a lack of respect and the message is given: Your worth is none of my concern.
Drs. Brodzinsky and Schechter, authors of Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, say, “Children who think they were ‘abandoned’ or ‘rejected’ are usually angry at their birth parents.
“‘I hate them for what they did,’ says Megan, ten. ‘They didn’t care enough to keep me. They just gave me away, like I was ugly or something.’
“‘I would punch them or drown them if I could,’ says Drew, seven. ‘They stink … they didn’t want me and I don’t care ‘cause they just stink.’”
Brodzinsky and Schechter continue by saying that children who think they were “stolen” or “bought” are usually angry at their adoptive parents.
“‘I think they [birth parents] might miss me and maybe are looking for me,’ says Will, seven. They lost me when I was little … the adoption people took me from them and gave me to Mommy and Daddy, cause they didn’t have a baby. I’m mad they did that.’”
Children who think they were put up for adoption because something was wrong with them are usually angry at themselves.
“‘Maybe I cried too much or didn’t eat right, or something,’ says Melissa, eight. ‘I keep thinking that I did something wrong … like it was my fault.’”
The second trigger for adoptee anger is the fear that essential needs will not be met. “But my child’s basic needs have always been met,” I imagine you saying. Read on and you will understand your child a little better.
Author Charles Allen, in Crown’s Small Groups Financial Study, tells a story about the Allied Army gathering up many orphans as World War II was drawing to a close. They were placed in camps where they were fed well. Despite excellent care, they were afraid and slept poorly.
Finally, a psychologist came up with a solution. Each child was given a piece of bread to hold after he was put to bed. If he was hungry, more food was provided, but when he was finished, this particular piece of bread was just to be held—not eaten.
The piece of bread produced wonderful results. The children went to bed knowing that they would have food to eat the next day. That guarantee gave the children a restful and contented night’s sleep.
What a beautiful illustration of the dynamics of adoption! The psychological traumas that separated birth parents and adoptees may not be written up in history books like catastrophic world wars, but they are indelibly inscribed on the hearts of those involved. Consider again the early-life trauma your child went through before adoption day. This is the reason for his difficulty in learning to trust that his basic needs will be met by a reliable caregiver.
Dr. Greg Keck says that when a child first becomes aware of a personal need, he expresses this need in rage or anger. His expectation is that he will receive gratification: food, touch, eye contact, movement, or any kind of stimulation from another. If gratification occurs, his trust in the caregiver grows. If you offer any/all of the above yet your child does not seem to be comforted or connected to you, he may be experiencing his ingrained fear of not having his basic needs met.
Emphasize to your child the true reason for the relinquishment. Assure her that she was not placed for adoption because of any defect in her, but because of the birth parents’ inability to parent. The way she views her relinquishment is vital.
Maggie, a nine-year-old adoptee, said, “I must have been an ugly baby. Otherwise my mother wouldn’t have given me away.” If Maggie were my daughter, I would empathize with the feelings. “That must be awful to feel that way. It really hurts, doesn’t it?” Simply trying to override the negative with the positive (“Oh, that’s not true. You’re beautiful!”) only denies the adoptee’s emotional reality. Genuine positive feedback should be given, of course, but not before or in place of validation and empathy. A balanced approach is the key to healing your child’s wounds.
I will never forget sitting in my new counselor’s office, telling her my story, when she replied, “Sherrie, you have a right to be angry!”
“Right to be angry?” I repeated to myself. “That’s a novel idea.”
Somewhere in my religious past, I learned that it was not acceptable to be angry. Little did I know that God knows my anger, welcomes it, and that He can handle it just fine.
Verbalizing the “okayness” to be angry will help prevent your child from repressing anger and keep her on the road to healing. “Hey, I like that anger,” you might say. “Look at you … you’re starting to come to life!”
It is my belief that all adopted children can benefit from counseling to help them through their maze of challenges. Be very careful, however, whom you choose, for many counselors are not prepared to deal with adoption issues.
Founder and director of the Center for Family Connections, Inc., Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao, in an article appearing in Family Therapy News, reports, “There is no real training in professional schools regarding adoption. In social work programs, there is perhaps one case study. Certainly, there is nothing in marriage and family therapy or psychology graduate programs, unless someone makes it his or her dissertation. Even then, it is hard to find faculty who understand the issues and have the experience in the field. In the American medical school curriculum, there are only two or three paragraphs about adoption. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) occasionally offers one or two workshops on adoption at its annual conference. But this subject is under-represented at all mental health professional conferences.”
Dr. Connie Dawson advises looking for local professionals who do corrective parenting therapy, object relations therapy, and other therapies that involve more than talk. An effective adoption therapist should be familiar with helping clients process deep mourning and the anger that comes with it.
Art therapy can be another wonderful outlet for children to express their true feelings. A good resource for parents is See What I Am Saying: What Children Tell Us Through Their Art, by Dr. Myra Levick (Islewest Publishing, 1998). Dr. Levick explains what children reveal in their drawings, how to inspire creativity, and a developmental approach to understanding your child’s drawings. She also includes a valuable listing of organizations that promote art therapy.
Left-handed drawing can be an effective way for teenagers or adults to get in touch with feelings. Have the adoptee hold the pencil or crayon in the hand opposite the one he usually writes with, then ask him to draw what he is feeling inside. The lack of control and vulnerability often expose long-buried feelings.
Another exercise that can be done as a family is to cover a ten-by-twelve wall with white paper. Ask each member of the family to make a picture on the wall One therapist who uses this technique says that the family always ends up drawing the exact family dynamics that are occurring at the time. This can be a valuable tool for therapists and parents.
Now that we’ve explored adoptee anger and how it manifests, let’s examine some specific ways you can help your child grieve her hidden losses.