I vaguely remember conversations about adoption with my parents, friends, and relatives. The conversations were rare and would usually arise when a photograph of me and my parents was shown. The observer would nervously say, “She looks just like you! Same dark hair, brown eyes, and olive skin. You would never know she was adopted.”
Something about those statements didn’t set well with me, even as a child. All I knew was that I was embarrassed.
Back in the 1940s when I was adopted, misguided social workers counseled adoptive parents to “Play down the differences. Just say the child looks like you.” It is not uncommon to hear this kind of advice doled out today, although it is diminishing with the increase of transracial and international adoptions. There is no way a Caucasian couple can be told that their Chinese baby looks just like them!
Whatever the decade, the kind of comments I once heard are nothing short of denial dressed up in flattery. A denial of biological roots, birth, and pre-adoption history. A denial of the child herself.
Joanne Small, in an article for Public Welfare, describes this denial: “The child’s basic sense of self develops around a faulty belief system. It is based on denial that there is any difference between being born to one’s parents and being adopted. When this situation occurs, all of the family members unwittingly become codependents to a denial process. This process is analogous to codependence that occurs in alcoholic families.…”
Statements such as “You are just like us” can translate to the adoptee as:
You must be like us.
Your birth and birth family are bad.
You must be dishonest about your emotions.
Just being yourself is not enough.
You might be cringing by this point, remembering good-hearted but denial-based statements you have made in the past. Take heart! Your mistakes are not fatal. But take a few moments to think through some of the beliefs you may hold that have caused you to give an invalidating message to your child unintentionally.
In most cultures, many assume that resemblance among family members is one of the most important things that makes a family a family. The dimple on your chin, the turned-up nails and pudgy toes, the stocky build and small feet—all these little similarities among family members make us feel as if we belong, as if we are part of a long line of ancestors who were just like us. They give us a feeling of security, of connection.
But what about adoptees who have no ancestors to look at and no physical similarities to revel in? Where is your adopted child to find a sense of belonging amidst a crowd of people at a family reunion, none of whom looks like her? What about adoptees who are required to bring in a dish for ethnic day at school and conclude they can bring nothing?
Differences are a big deal when it comes to adoption, for they can either be a source of shame or an invitation to learn about the adoptee’s tie to her pre-adoption past. Let me share a case in point in which differences became a source of shame.
Not long ago, a fellow adoptee and I listened to an adoptive mom tell how she dealt with her child’s different skin color. She said that the child, somewhere around three or four, innocently asked, “Mommy, why is my skin brown and yours white?” The mother’s response? Buckle your seat belt. This one is a killer.
“Your skin is brown because you had eczema when you were a baby, honey.”
Needless to say, my friend and I gasped in disbelief.
Follow that child into adulthood. How do you think she would view her differences within the family, within society? I doubt she would look at her different skin color as a unique mark of beauty. Instead it would make her feel singled out in a negative sort of way.
We won’t have that problem with our child, you may be thinking. Her skin color is the same as ours. Let me assure you that even if your child has no obvious physical differences like color of skin or a different nationality, there are still biological differences in every adoptee that need to be acknowledged as well as celebrated.
Your child longs to know that he hasn’t been “hatched” or isn’t an alien on earth. He realizes he has come from real people with real personalities and life stories who made decisions that impacted his life forever. It’s natural for him to feel a complex mix of emotions as he faces the fact that he is “different” from his adoptive family and seemingly separated forever from “his people.” On one hand he wants to honor the ways in which he is separate and unique from you; on the other, he longs for connection to the missing parts of who he is. The differences are what we will focus on now.
What are the physical, emotional, and personality differences between you and your adopted child? Do any come to mind immediately? How about differences in body frame? Perhaps you are short and stocky, while your child is long and lanky. What about physical appearance? Perhaps your child is as attractive as a beauty queen, while you are as plain as a barn fence. What are your different tastes in music? Perhaps you love Beethoven and Bach, while your child prefers country or rock-and-roll. What about preferences in recreational activities? Perhaps you enjoy attending all kinds of sports events but your child would rather stay home and paint a picture. What kinds of foods do you like? Perhaps you enjoy gourmet cooking, but your child considers Chef Boyardee spaghetti the greatest of culinary treats. And so the differences go.
How do you as adoptive parents deal with these differences? Be honest, now! Are you somewhat embarrassed when these differences surface? Do you secretly consider your child a little weird, wishing her interests and tastes were more like yours? (Don’t laugh! Many adoptive parents feel this way.) Or do you recognize the differences, openly acknowledge them, and then celebrate them?
Celebrating differences begins with recognizing them. In order to validate and affirm your child’s uniqueness, you must really see your child. Spend time diligently studying him. Not in a negative I’m-looking-over-your-shoulder manner, but in a you-are-precious-to-me way. This will communicate to him that his differences are not something to be ashamed of, but instead are marks of endearment.
What differences should you look for? Here are a few:
What are his tastes in food?
What kind of friends does he choose?
Is his personality optimistic or pessimistic?
What does he like to do in his spare time?
What kind of physique does he have?
What things frighten him?
How does he receive expressions of love and affection?
What kind of music does he like?
Is his hair wavy or straight?
Is he laid back and relaxed or uptight and intense?
As you carefully observe your child, you not only learn what his present-day preferences are, but also the preferences or tendencies he developed during his prenatal life with his birth mother. I believe these similarities are a mysterious continuance of the biological family, which, when carried into the adoptive family, comprise the differences between the child and adoptive parents. One adoptee said it well: “There are parts of me that don’t connect with my adoptive parents. I wonder where these strange little quirks come from.”
As for myself, I have always loved ketchup. Ketchup on scrambled eggs. Ketchup on steak. Ketchup on nearly everything. Those who know me well make sure there is a bottle of ketchup on the table whenever I come for a meal. It is a strong, undeniable, built-in preference that has been with me all my life.
My adoptive parents didn’t share this particular taste, and I always felt weird at the dinner table. If my adoptive parents had been more enlightened about how to validate my pre-adoption reality, they might have concluded that this was a tie to my biological history. This difference then could have been acknowledged as well as celebrated. “I wonder who in your birth family is a ketchup lover!” they might have said. That comment would have acknowledged the biological influences on my present-day preferences.
Seven years ago, at a reunion with my birth mother, she and I were dining out in an upscale restaurant. Even though it was embarrassing, I asked for a bottle of ketchup for my steak. After the bottle of ketchup was delivered, I was amazed to see my birth mother pour ketchup on her steak as well. We were the only two at a table of eight who ate ketchup that night. I couldn’t believe it! I’m convinced that the craving my birth mother and I share is inherited from our biological roots.
Validating and participating in your child’s preferences in simple ways will teach him the all-important lesson: Differences don’t mean he is inferior. Rather, they are proof that he is uniquely and wonderfully made!
But won’t mentioning the birth family confuse my child? you may be wondering. Won’t it be upsetting for her to be reminded of the biological connection to the people she’s lost? Won’t bringing up differences between our child and us alienate her from our family?
The answer to the above questions is no. Acknowledging differences will only serve to validate the emotional reality which existed long before you ever laid eyes on her. You will be saying what she already knows in her heart to be true.
Dr. Betty Jean Lifton says in Journey of the Adopted Self: “When adoptive parents deny the reality of a difference between a biological child and the adopted child, they think they are assuring the adoptee of their love, but they are, in effect, denying the adoptee’s reality.”
Be aware that as you acknowledge the differences, your child’s repressed emotions and long-buried questions may surface. The early noticing of differences will intersect with your child’s budding awareness that being adopted means having two sets of parents (one whom she resembles and one whom she doesn’t).
These thoughts are too much for me, you may be thinking. Two mothers and two fathers? We are her mother and father! We are the ones who wiped away the tears and changed dirty diapers in the middle of the night.
I hear what you are saying and all of it is true. However, your child’s reality is that she does have two sets of parents—one who gave her birth and one who gave her a home, nurturing, and love. Both are crucial. Acknowledging differences communicates to her that her past life (before adoption) is something that is important to you. Don’t set up your child to come to the same conclusion this male adoptee did: “Heritage was a taboo subject. What bothered me the most was that my parents wouldn’t talk about it. When the subject did come up, it was changed immediately. Then they gave me that ‘pity’ look, which makes me sick.”
Remember, acknowledgment of differences is the foundation for healthy self-esteem in your child. It lets her know that her past should not be disregarded, that it is worthwhile and is the key to the present as well as the future.
As you acknowledge differences, don’t overemphasize them. Bringing up differences should be done only as seems appropriate and at times that edify the child.
Also, be careful not to overemphasize the child’s differences at the expense of your own heritage and traditions. If you do, the very thing you are trying to accomplish (validation of differences) will boomerang and your child instead will feel shame (I am different … in a negative sort of way).
All of this talk about acknowledging differences may sound very complicated, and truthfully, it is. It is one of the most difficult challenges adoptive parents face. But you can do it! You are choosing to educate yourself about adoptive parenting, and that will go a long way toward helping your child navigate these deep waters. The ultimate goal for you as adoptive parents is to teach your child how to celebrate her differences not only when she is living under your roof, but also as she makes the transition into adulthood.
I have written a parable that can serve as a tool for teaching your child how to celebrate her differences. Before telling your child the story, purchase three ribbons—one red, one green, and one purple. Then, in your own words or in the words of the following parable, tell her about her dual heritage.
Long, long ago, in eternity past, God determined that there would be a beautiful braid made of shining ribbons—a braid woven in the secret places, a braid called “adoption.”
Each ribbon was a different color. One the deepest of purples, another the richest of greens, and the third the most vibrant of reds.
Each ribbon had a purpose, each a vital contribution, and each a unique position with the other two ribbons.
The green ribbon represents the birth family and their deep yet often-forgotten contribution to the adoptee’s life.
The purple ribbon represents the adoptive family, chosen to nurture that God-given gift of life passed on from the birth family.
The red ribbon represents the adoptee—a unique weaving together of nature and nurture into one marvelous human being, with awesome potential.
Then explain to her in language that is age-appropriate:
The challenge for you as the adoptee is to learn how to braid the green, purple, and red ribbons. This is no small task. However, the more you know about both biological and adoptive families, whether that knowledge be positive or negative, the greater your potential for growth.
Let the adoptee braid the three ribbons (give help to a young child), and help her call to mind different things she has received, both negative and positive, from her biological and adoptive families. Here are a few ideas to prompt her thinking:
beautiful skin from my birth mother
creativity and love of art from my birth family
feelings of rejection and abandonment from my birth mother
genetic illness from my birth family
a home and a family that loves me from the adoptive family
a sense of belonging from my adoptive family
brothers and sisters from my adoptive family
Then help her verbalize how these things have helped her become the person she is today:
The beautiful skin from my birth mother has helped me accept my body.
The creativity and love of art from my birth family has prompted me to pursue rewarding artistic endeavors.
The feelings of rejection and abandonment from my birth mother have encouraged me to look beyond my earliest experiences for my sense of self-worth.
The genetic illness from my birth family has forced me to get the medical help I need.
The home and family my adoptive family provided has given me a sense of security.
The sense of belonging from my adoptive family has helped me to take risks and reach out to others.
This parable honors everyone involved in the adoption process.
If you have adopted internationally or transracially, you may have special concerns about how to acknowledge differences. There are many ways that you can embrace and celebrate your child’s heritage.
Revisit her homeland/relatives.
Purchase books about her homeland/heritage.
Cook traditional meals from her culture.
Find orphanages and foster homes in which she lived prior to adoption.
Sew traditional costumes from her country/race.
Put a flower on the grave of an ancestor from her biological family.
Purchase dolls with skin color the same as hers.
Keep the clothing she wore when she came to America in special boxes so she can take them out and look at them.
Keep her middle name from her native land.
Obtain a letter from the adoption agency in her home country explaining that she was placed for adoption not because of any defect in her, but because her mother was not able to parent.
I highly recommend the wonderful book Brian Was Adopted, by Doris Sanford and Graci Evans. It deals candidly and empathetically with all the issues of international adoption.
Acknowledging the differences between you and your child requires sacrificial love on your part. It means putting aside all feelings of overprotectiveness, jealousy, and fear that your child may someday want to reunite with her birth parents. Essentially it means a continual letting go and putting your child first.
As you teach your child how to celebrate her differences, she will be ready to learn how to be her own person in your family and in the world. We’ll talk next about how you can encourage her in this process.