After dinner, we leave Isobel and Amy in the cabin and head to the ship’s Entertainment Hub to perform in Master Roland’s True Magic Show with Quite Difficult Acrobatics and Russian-Style Humour. As a rather accomplished amateur comedian myself, I feel that Olga and Katerina might struggle to get laughs, as they don’t have one decent knock-knock joke between them, or any personality, either.
‘What would Russian-style humour be, anyway?’ I ask Chase, as I pull on a white dog suit with big brown spots. ‘Perhaps it’s just humour that’s not supposed to be funny.’
‘In that case,’ Chase replies, dressing as an elf in green tights, a puffy red shirt, and a pointy hat, ‘they’d be superstars.’
‘Does this make my bottom look big?’ I peer backwards. ‘Hmmm, and my tail’s droopy and somewhat expressionless. I’m not sure I’ll be totally believable as a reliable canine companion.’
‘You’re fine.’ Chase pats my head. ‘Good boy. Just remember not to talk, since dogs don’t, as a rule.’
Olga and Katerina are putting on their make-up. They are wearing army camouflage leotards and have matching tattoos of tanks and flame-throwers on their biceps. Every so often, Katerina, the prettier one, spits on the floor.
‘Completely hilarious,’ Chase observes. ‘Aren’t they?’
Roland turns up in a black suit, brown shirt, orange bowtie, and black top hat.
‘Firzt,’ he says, ‘Olga and Katerina do romantic Ruzzian folk danzing. Zen cometty acrobaticz wiz Chaze pixie-boy. Zen I zaw Gheorge in huff and disappear ’im totally. Finizh.’
‘One problem,’ I say, looking out through dog eyes. ‘I can’t stay disappeared.’
‘Zilence!’ Roland slaps my nose. ‘Bat pippy dock! We ztart in two minutez!’
Chase and I wait backstage while Olga and Katerina act out a very violent scene from ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Roland stands by, holding a saw.
‘That saw is real,’ I whisper to Chase. ‘What’ll I do if something goes wrong?’
‘Bark three times,’ Chase suggests. ‘I’ll hear you.’
Good. That way I can stay in character and communicate, two important things for any dog actor whose life is in danger. I watch as Roland walks on stage.
‘Now, laddiez and gentlemoonz,’ he says, ‘after zat luffly folkdance where ze woodcutterz chopz down Liddle Red Riding ’ood, luffly Olga and smoochy Katerina will be fonny wiz cheeky pixie boy, Chaze!’
‘Good luck, Chase,’ I say, as he springs onstage.
Olga and Katerina take Chase’s arms and toss him towards the ceiling, catching him centimetres from the ground. This they do twice, the audience clapping.
‘Now,’ Roland gives a big dull-toothed smile, ‘we ’ave ’ad ’igh, ’igher, and now ze ’ighezt!’
Katerina and Olga’s muscles strain as they send Chase flying four or five metres into the air. Then they step apart, but Chase grabs a rope and swings overhead like a happy monkey. Roland is furious.
‘Fall down, naughty bat boy Chaze!’ He waves his cane wildly. ‘You need whack-whack wiz magic ztick!’
The crowd clap, laugh and cheer.
‘Bravo, Elf! Stay there, Pixie-boy! Bravo! Bravo!’
The clapping rolls on as Chase swings above the angry faces of Roland, Katerina, and Olga.
‘Part One finiz,’ Roland says angrily. He turns to a sailor named Nipper. ‘Pull down ze curtain, Nippair.’
‘Yes sir, yes sir.’ Nipper hauls on a rope. ‘Three bags full, sir.’
Olga and Katerina come backstage, followed by Roland, who’s yelling at Chase.
‘Everybotty laugh at uz!You ’it ze deck, zplat! Not ’ang upside down like movie hactor who zinks ’e is a bat, whatever ’is name iz.’
‘Batman?’ says Chase.
‘Of course not Batman!’ Roland’s black eyes bulge. ‘Now, Gheorge! Time I zaw you in ’alf zen you go up chimney, poof!’
Chimney? What chimney?
‘Oh, that’s a joke, Roland!’ I hold my sides, shake and laugh, which is an advanced acting technique not many folk would know. ‘Ho ho ho!’
‘Get ratty, bat dock Gheorge!’ He glares at Sailor Nipper. ‘Ze curtain, Nippair!’
And up the green curtain goes.