TONY’S EYES were haunted as he sat down on our couch, fingering the thick, white bandage on his neck. He turned to watch me as I went back into the kitchen and took a carton of eggs out of the fridge. “I’m gonna make me an omelet.” I got out a bowl and some salt and pepper. Despite my snack from the cafeteria last night, I was still pretty hungry. “Want one?”
He shook his head, eyeing my turtleneck, and I keenly felt the lack of a similar wound on my neck. Once again, I had healed overnight. “Not hungry.” Tony looked around at the shambles of our living room. “Shit, Jake. Why’re we still alive? I don’t get it. That thing that had you, what the fuck was it?” He shuddered. “I’ve never seen anything so damned scary in my life.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. Part of me wanted to defend Kristair, but I had to admit he had looked hideous with all the burns and gashes covering him. Add in fangs and me falling over and it had probably seemed like a nightmare come to life. I was just grateful Tony hadn’t recognized him. “I don’t think his intention was to kill us.”
Tony turned toward me, his gray-green eyes incredulous. “You’ve got to be kidding,” he said. “He sure as hell wasn’t here for a keg party. Last time I checked, running around and biting people on the neck wasn’t the norm.” Once again he touched his bandage and his gaze drifted to my turtleneck.
I shrugged and concentrated on the eggs I was whipping. “I don’t know. All I’m saying is, if he wanted us dead, we wouldn’t be talking right now.”
Tony gave the room a pointed glare. “Tell that to Steve.”
A wave of guilt swamped me. My hand jerked on the pan handle and spatters of hot oil stung my skin. “Damn,” I swore under my breath. “Steve’s gonna make it. The nurse even said we could visit later.”
Tony turned on the TV, blocking me out. I sighed, throwing American cheese and deli meat onto the bubbling eggs, then flipped the whole mess over. Suddenly, I wasn’t all that hungry, but I still made myself go through the motions. Chewing and swallowing was an act of stubbornness.
Finished, I tossed the dishes into the sink. I’d wash them after I came back from the hospital. I never heard from Kristair again last night, not even after his last weird message. From time to time, I had felt his touch, but nothing more. I tried not to be hurt. After all, I had ignored him first, but my emotions never did make any damn sense.
“I’m going back to the hospital.”
Tony shot me a surprised glance. “But the nurse said not to come back until this afternoon.”
“There’s someone else I wanted to see,” I replied, knowing Kristair would want news on Kayla. A flash of fear crossed Tony’s face. “She was hurt in that mess at the cathedral. Wanna come? She’s hot.”
Tony hesitated, and then shook his head. “Nah. Hanging out there all day would be depressing.” I’m sure he didn’t like the idea of staying alone in the apartment either, but he didn’t say anything as I gathered my coat.
I paused by the door. “You gonna be okay, man? Want me to call somebody or something?” I shrugged.
His glance was withering. “I’m fine.”
Well, I wouldn’t have appreciated the gesture either. I left, making sure the apartment door was locked behind me before heading outside and walking down the hill to the hospital. The sunlight was pale and watery, emphasizing the dirty snow on the ground and the smog-stained concrete walls. Ugh. I couldn’t wait for spring.
The hospital was alive with activity and no one spared me a second glance as I made my way upstairs. At least the both of them were in the same wing. I stopped by Steve’s room first. The door was cracked open, but the curtain around the bed was drawn. I could hear hushed voices, but couldn’t make out any words. I sighed and walked toward Kayla’s room instead.
Kayla was propped up in the bed, her elfin features drawn and stark, but when she spotted me hovering in the doorway her smile lit up her face. “Jacob! Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re here.”
I grinned back. “Jake, gorgeous. Only he calls me Jacob.” I dropped a kiss onto her cheek before hooking a chair with my foot and drawing it to her bedside, making myself comfortable. “How ya feeling?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m ready to get out. They come in here every hour poking and prodding at me. How am I supposed to get any beauty sleep?”
“What did they say was wrong?”
“I think they were worried about internal injuries. But I seemed to have emerged unscathed except for a concussion and a broken wrist.” Kayla shook her head, quirking another smile. “My sister did worse to me when we were kids.”
“That’ll make Kristair feel better.” I’d like to tell him now, only I’d learned from experience he didn’t respond to anything I said or did while he was asleep.
Her gaze sharpened and she laid light fingers on the back of my hand. “How is he?”
I frowned, wondering just how much to tell her. I didn’t even know if she knew he was a vampire or not. “He was pretty jacked up, mostly worrying over you, I think. But he’s okay.” It was one thing to know he’d healed from his wounds, but I’d like to see it for myself.
She studied me for a minute and I stared back at her steadily, until a faint smile touched her lips. “I know all about what he is so there’s no need to hedge with me, Jake.” She tapped her fingers on the back of my hand. “So tell me what happened. All I remember is a god-awful loud roar and then I woke up here. No one’s bothered to fill me in on the juicy details.” Despite her quick smiles and banter, there was a shadow of worry in her dark blue eyes.
“Well they wouldn’t know the truth anyway.” I scratched my ear, looking toward the door, and then lowered my voice. “How much do you know about the Syndicate?”
Her delicate brows knit. “Just that he used to get a lot of mail from them.” Her mouth thinned with impatience. “He keeps me wrapped up in a baby blanket, afraid I’m going to stub my toe if I move. I told him he should write them back but he kept insisting on throwing them away.”
I grinned tightly. “Nice to know I’m not the only one.”
“Trust me; you’re not.” Kayla’s voice was dry.
“They showed up that night, when I first saw you in the office and you told him not to be mad.”
“Really?” Kayla’s eyes narrowed. “I thought he just wanted kinky sex. I should’ve known he was up to something else. He had been so adamant about me being gone before sunset.”
I blinked and glanced down at my hands. Okay then. Damn, how much did Kristair share with her about our relationship? I scrambled to recover my train of thought. “Um, well I guess these guys are convinced Kristair is going to die in the near future and they want him to share with the Syndicate all those neat tricks he’s learned over the centuries. They seem to be convinced that, if they lose the opportunity, then those secrets would be lost. Personally, I think it’s a crock of bullshit. I know they want something from him, but these supposed secrets?” I shook my head. “He can’t be the only vamp that knows… no, it’s something else.”
“So they were behind the explosion?” Her eyes were lost in thought, sorrow, or maybe it was resignation on her face. It bothered me she wasn’t reacting to the possibility Kristair might be dying. I didn’t know what Kristair and she were to each other, but Kristair cared for her and I thought she returned the feeling. “I don’t know what they hoped to get from that other than pissing him off.” She focused on me and some of my animosity must’ve shown on my face because when she looked at me her brows knitted further. “What is it?”
“They think he’s dying. That doesn’t bother you at all?” I accused, my voice harsher than I meant. Vividly, I remembered the sound of other voices in Kristair’s mind last night at the cathedral and the sense that somehow I was losing my grip on him. Even in the light of day the memory was terrifying. I had forgotten about them in the madness afterward. Now it came back.
Her violet eyes were grief-stricken. “Jake, what would you have me do? I’d known it was coming for a long time. I’d read the family legends. Kristair tried to hide it from me at first, but I made him come clean.”
Family legends? Kayla was a part of Kristair’s family? That explained a lot. “Kristair didn’t tell me he had had kids before, well, you know.” Lord, that was weird. It wasn’t as if Kayla was his direct daughter, but still.
Her laughter was musical. “You’ve got it wrong. I’m descended from the woman who turned him into a vampire.”
I scratched my head. Now I was really confused. “I thought they hated each other. Why would he help out her descendents? I mean, you seem nice enough, but I thought her hold ended on him long ago.” My cheeks warmed as she rolled her eyes. “I can’t imagine he’d want anything to do with her family, is all.”
“They certainly fought enough. I inherited all of her journals.” Kayla’s eyes sparkled. “I even taught myself Latin so I could read them. I don’t think they had one discussion without arguing. It started out of principal and then became habit. Kristair had always been of the opinion that women were rather useless and Nerissa thought he was an unlettered barbarian.”
She shrugged and frowned. “I read about her symptoms and recognized them in Kristair. I got suspicious when he became more reclusive than normal.”
Lord, Kayla was as bad as Kristair was with the big words. I found myself fascinated with her tale though. “So are you like the last one in your family or something?”
Kayla laughed again. “Nothing so fairy-taleish as that. My family’s huge and I’m sure scattered all over the world by now. We’d lost touch with him after Nerissa disappeared, though I found out later on he was looking in on us from time to time. When Nerissa realized what was happening to her, she had Kristair promise to watch over us.” She shook her head. “I went looking for him when I was fifteen. I’ve been with him ever since.”
“That must’ve been weird.”
“It certainly had its moments,” Kayla replied. She cocked her head, her expression mischievous. “You know, I’ve been meaning to talk to you for awhile now.”
I was immediately wary. “’Bout what?”
For a brief moment, her smile became even wickeder, as if she sensed my discomfort, then her face changed, turning serious again. “In all the time I’ve been with Kristair, I’ve never known him to open himself so much to someone. Not like the way he has with you.” She bit the corner of her lower lip and gave me a penetrating glance. “He’s never been in love before, at least not that I’ve seen,” she continued.
I shifted, eyeing the door. I hated talking about things like this. With Kristair it was different; he already knew what I was feeling. “So what, you want to know my intentions or something?” I laughed, uneasy.
“No, I just wanted to be sure you felt the same way about him.” She sounded smug. “And I think I have my answer.”
I gave her a sour look. Chicks were certainly cute creatures, that was for sure, but they always enjoyed proving themselves right with whatever mental games they played. “Yeah, I do. I just….” I shrugged. “I just wish it didn’t feel so unbalanced, you know?” I looked up and gave her a wry smile, leaving it at that. She out of anybody would understand.
“Yeah.” The silence stretched out. I could hear someone, a man, moaning in pain down the hall. Then Kayla spoke up again. “If you were given the chance to be like him, to stay with him, what would you do?”
I thought about what it would mean to become a vampire. All of my life I’d had only one dream. It had driven me, given me purpose, and kept me out of the kind of trouble that I’d seen most of my childhood friends get into. It had brought me far away from home. If I asked Kristair, and he agreed, I’d have to give up that dream. And it wouldn’t fix the imbalance. Kristair was so much older, more powerful. It would take him a long time to teach me everything he knew, and given the circumstances, I’m not sure he had the time left. I remembered the brief flash of sorrow he’d felt when Kristair mentioned he had asked others before to change and they’d refused. To have the chance, to be together past the normal amount of time given us, was terrifyingly tempting.
Finally, I lifted my head, meeting her eyes. “I don’t know, Kayla. I really don’t.”
Thank God, she left it at that. I spent the remainder of the day with her. She told me endless stories about Kristair, giving me a rare glimpse into another side of his life. We agreed that he would take care of the Syndicate and as much as we both wanted to be involved, he’d never let us, and we’d probably get our asses handed to us.
Then, I realized it was past four and I hadn’t been by to check on Steve. I made my goodbyes and promised to come see her again. As I headed out, the weight, banished by her bright smile and teasing, returned full force. Damn, how could I face Steve?
I paused in his doorway. Steve was awake and looked much better. I hovered, relief warring with dread when he noticed me and gestured me in. “Where’s Tony?” I asked, coming closer, not sure if I should take a seat or remain standing. I stuffed my fists in my pockets. “I would’ve thought he’d be here by now.” Steve’s eyes were hard and unbending. I was desperate for some sort of buffer for the fight I knew was coming.
“He was,” Steve replied, sitting up straighter in the bed. Like Tony, his throat sported a thick white bandage, but at least he wasn’t so pale anymore. “He went home to get something to eat about ten minutes ago.” He paused. “I wasn’t sure you were going to come.”
I flinched, guilt spiking again. I forced myself to meet his eyes, my fingers curling and uncurling in my jacket. “Steve, man, I’m sorry.”
“What the fuck is going on? You’ve been acting strange for months and now the guy you’ve been screwing attacked us.” His eyes examined me. “But you seemed to have emerged just fine despite what Tony thinks he saw.”
I sank down in the chair. It figured Steve would have recognized what Tony had missed. I raked my hand through my hair. “It’s my fault—”
“Damn right it’s your fault. Is he the same guy that was stalking you in the fall? The one you were so freaked out about? You shut up about him pretty damn quick.”
“It’s not like that,” I protested, moving to Kristair’s defense. “He tried to warn me that coming to my place was a bad idea, but he was hurt so bad… I didn’t think. I just wanted to help.”
“What is he? He sure as hell isn’t human.” Steve seemed shaken by his own words. “I don’t know what the fuck you’ve gotten yourself into, but you’ve got to get out of it. It’s not just about you anymore.” He stopped, took a deep breath, and then continued with his voice quieter, but still hard. “He’s changed you.”
I couldn’t deny the truth of that. Even now I felt his heartbeat in my chest, a sure indication that he was about to wake or had already and sensed that I was upset. There was new power in my veins, which allowed me to heal where my friends hadn’t.
“He needs me.” I knew that with absolute certainty, and it went far beyond what I gave him in Kristair’s little hoodoo exchange. He was the loneliest man I’d ever met.
“He’s using you, Jake.”
I shook my head. “No! You don’t know him.”
“And I don’t plan to, either,” Steve retorted. “He gave me the creeps even before he attacked us last night.”
“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry it happened. More sorry than I can say.” I was miserable. I had no idea what I could do to make this right. “I know Kristair, and I know he didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Jake, if you hadn’t called 911 I’d be dead.” Steve’s voice was grim. “Hell, if Tony hadn’t interrupted, you probably would be too.”
I felt Kristair’s presence and it washed over me like a balm, soothing away the jagged edges. I half-turned in my seat, glancing back at the man in the doorway. He was a stranger to me in appearance, yet I knew without a shadow of a doubt, it was Kristair.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” Steve snarled.
THAT JACOB saw through my disguise surprised me not at all, but that his friend did as well was more startling. Jacob was hurting and I hated seeing it, and even more knowing I was responsible. I walked into the small hospital room and laid my hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently as my lover turned to look at Steve in surprise.
“How did you know it was him?” Jacob asked, reaching up with his hand to cover mine.
Steve continued to glare at me, an expression of disgust crossing his face as he spoke. “It’s the way he looks at you, like he owns you.” If he had the strength, I was sure he would’ve risen from his bed to strike at me. He was quite a fighter, I’d give him that.
“He is mine,” I replied, watching Steve bristle in response. Even Jacob was indignant, but he was always one to take umbrage at someone else’s possessiveness. He had no room to talk. “Just as I am yours, mo chroí.” Jacob smiled, his irritation fading as quickly as it had started, as I had known it would.
“Kristair, stop baiting him.” Jacob tipped his head back to look up at me, his gaze stern. “He’s got reason enough for being pissed.”
“True.” I was not in the habit of apologizing to those from whom I fed, and studying Steve, I didn’t think he would be a very receptive one. However, Jacob wished me to try, though he didn’t ask.
I hesitated, mulling my words before speaking. “It is not usually my practice to take without permission.” As I fed off a person’s emotions, as much as their blood, their mental state was important to me; Jacob’s sweet offering had been infinitely more satisfying than Tony’s horror or Steve’s rage as he fought. “Circumstances were extenuating. I’m sorry for the ordeal you suffered.” I glanced down at Jacob to see if that sufficed.
“Give me a fucking break,” Steve replied, his eyes hard. “You’re manipulating him.”
“I admit I was guilty of that in the beginning.” Manipulation had become such a second nature to me that I often did it without thought. I smiled at Jacob before turning my attention back to my adversary. “The situation has changed somewhat since then.”
“I manipulated him too,” Jacob broke in. “It was a game at first, for both of us. Kristair’s right; things have changed.”
Steve ignored him, his stare challenging. “You’re using him.”
I nodded. “That I am.”
“Look at him, Jake! Dammit, see how calm he is. He admits it. He isn’t lying. I don’t get it. What the fuck do you see in him?”
“I’m not being used if I agreed!” Jacob sounded frustrated and I squeezed his shoulder again. “Kristair loves me. I know you can’t understand that, but it’s true.”
A cynical smile crossed Steve’s lips, an expression that spoke volumes of what he actually thought about that pronouncement. “Do you?”
My calm vanished in a wave of fury. Steve expected me to deny it. I had no intention of baring my tumultuous emotions to this child. While I applauded his fighter instincts and respected his desire to protect Jacob even more, I was done with this ridiculous conversation.
“He seems to be under that impression,” I replied through clenched teeth. I sensed the quick slice of hurt cut through Jacob before he covered it up and my rage whipped through me again.
I glared at Steve and had the satisfaction of watching him shrink back before he caught himself. “Let me say this, and know it for the truth, Steven. I would not willingly put Jacob in danger, or you; you’re his friend. Take it as you will.”
“Forgive me if I find that a little hard to believe considering I’m still in the damned hospital.”
“You’re alive. If I wanted to kill you I would have.” I considered offering to erase his memory, but he’d refuse. And Jacob would be against me doing it without his permission. Our ongoing argument was upsetting my lover enough as it was and I wasn’t about to add to it.
“That makes me feel sooo much safer,” Steve snarked, and Jacob tensed.
“This conversation is pointless. You’re going to believe what you’re going to believe and I’m going to do what I have to.” I looked down at Jacob, dismissing Steve. “I’ll be waiting in the hall whenever you’re ready.” He nodded and I resisted the urge to give him a possessive kiss. The room was silent as I exited, but as soon as I shut the door, furious voices erupted from the other side.
I walked a couple of steps away to give them the privacy Jacob wanted, though I kept our connection open enough to judge his emotional state. If he got too upset, I was going to interfere again. The situation was a knotted mess, with The Syndicate pulling the rope tighter on one end and Jacob’s roommates doing the same on the other.
After about twenty minutes, Jacob emerged shrugging into his coat. He glared at me, jamming on his hat, and shoved his hands into his pockets. I wanted to take his hand, but his stance shouted “don’t touch me.” So, I fell into step beside him as he stalked down the hallway, trying to figure out how to broach the issue I wanted to discuss with him. In his current mood, he wasn’t likely to take it well.
“Did you want to stop by and see Kayla?” He stopped in front of the elevator, stabbing the call button.
I shook my head. “She’s fine for now.” I had to talk with her too and she was going to take my decision about as well as Jacob.
He glowered as he stepped onto the elevator. “I’m surprised you cared enough to check in on her.”
I followed him in, silent until the doors shut. “You know I do,” I said, trying to discern where he was going with his attack. He had learned, rather well I’m afraid, how to put up a mental shield. “I’m not entirely insensitive.”
“You could’ve fooled me,” he snarled, exiting the elevator and making a beeline for the door.
I scratched my temple, watching him before hurrying after. I must’ve wounded him deeper than I thought I had. Silently, I cursed myself as I caught up with him. As I took his hand, he rounded on me, jerking it back.
“So what is it you’re going to order me to do now?” Jacob’s jaw was set and he had clenched his fists before burying them in his coat again. Well, at least he wasn’t taking a swing at me.
My tongue froze, his question catching me off guard. I had expected him to call me out for what I had said to his friend. I had to admit I did feel some remorse for the way I had handled it and how I had hurt him. I hated feeling like I was being pushed into a box. Or, if he wasn’t going to take me to task for the way I antagonized Steve, at the very least, I had expected him to start in on how his roommates had gotten hurt in the first place. However, Jacob seemed ready to pick at the one topic I knew was going to be a sore point with us.
“I don’t think we should talk about it here.” I scanned the parking lot. Anybody could overhear us. Besides, I wanted to be alone so I could hold him, and soothe his ire, especially when I knew I was going to be fueling it some more.
“I guess you’re forgetting about the other tricks available to us.” He started walking up the hill toward his apartment building. “Just spill it, Kristair. I’m not giving you the chance to cozy up to me and charm me into doing whatever you want.”
Somehow, I resisted the urge to snipe back at him. Using charm was Jacob’s forte, not mine. He was spoiling for a fight and I debated whether or not to go ahead and give it to him. It would give him a chance to vent some of his anger. My stomach tightened. I hated arguments. I eyed him sideways before speaking again, deciding to come out with it. “I don’t know how, but the Syndicate knows of your existence.”
Jacob stopped on the sidewalk and as he turned to study me some of the anger in his eyes was replaced with worry. “Christ.”
“They had been keeping tabs on me closer than I realized. I don’t think they know what you mean to me yet, but I don’t want to take that chance either.” I continued laying my hands on his shoulders. I needed to know he was safe. If anything happened to him…. I shook my head.
“How do you know? Do you know for certain?”
“Yes, I know for certain. I overheard them talking about you.” I wasn’t sure if that woman had passed the knowledge along to anyone else before Ussier and I had wiped out the cell, but it was entirely plausible she did. If one knew, then there was a good chance others did too.
Jacob shook his head, looking away, his expression uneasy. “I know you, Kristair… I know you. You took care of those guys.” His voice was troubled as well and when he met my gaze again, his eyes were bleak. “You’re not the kind of person to let a threat like that go. And you wanted revenge for what happened to Kayla.”
“A friend of mine and I handled things. But I want to be absolutely positive you and Kayla aren’t in any more danger.” I hesitated, bracing myself for the explosion. “It shouldn’t be for very long… a couple of weeks at the most….”
His eyes flashed blue fire. “Don’t you dare even think about sending me away.”
I had to admit the thought had crossed my mind. He would be safe with his family in Louisiana. Yet, as soon as I came up with the idea, I had tossed it away as useless. The only way I could get Jacob to go was to force him and I couldn’t do that to him. Not to mention that he’d probably make such a ruckus about it, he’d bring everyone down on us.
Jacob pulled out of my grasp, taking a step backward. “God dammit, you were thinking of doing that,” he accused.
“Jacob, I’m not asking you to leave,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm in the face of his anger.
“Then what do you want?” His fists came out of his pockets to hang by his side and his jaw squared.
“I’ve got a place set up, with some friends. You and Kayla will be safe there until this thing blows over.” Personally, I thought it was an imminently reasonable plan.
“No,” he replied shortly, turning on his heel and heading back toward his apartment.
I stared after him in some surprise, and then ran after him, grabbing his arm and turning him around to face me. “This isn’t some kind of game,” I snarled, my own anger stirring. “They are going to use everything, everyone, to get to me and right now you’re at the top of their list.”
“I thought you’d already taken care of it.” Jacob gave my hand a cold glance. “Let go of me.”
Reluctantly, I did so, ready to grab him again if he tried to leave. “I can’t be sure they hadn’t already told the others. It won’t be for long, Jacob. You’ll still be able to go to school and work. You’ll still be in the city.”
“You can’t guarantee that. You can’t look me in the eye and promise me it would only be for a couple of nights. You don’t even know how many vampires are involved.” He took a couple of steps away, making a sound of extreme frustration, then turned back, evading my grasp. “Did you give my friends any thought? What happens if they come looking for me and don’t find me? What happens to Tony and Steve? They’re gonna be in just as much danger, and you want me to turn my back on them? Fuck that. They’ve been through enough shit as it is already cuz of me.”
I glanced around to see if our argument was attracting any attention, but the street was dark and free of people. I took a step closer, frustration sparking my temper more. “I don’t care about them. I care about you. You’re going.”
“I ain’t yer damned kid, Kristair!” Jacob shouted.
“Where did that come from?” I looked at him, baffled. “I never said you were.”
“Yah treat me like Ah am.” He took another step back, shaking his head. “It’s all fucked up. Everything’s turned upside down, changed. We don’t have a relationship. At least not the kind I want. You don’t need me.”
“That’s not true,” I started to protest, but he just tightened his lips and held up his hand. He turned his back on me, shoving me out of his mind at the same time.
“Just go away, okay? And I’m supposed to tell you that you’re not allowed back at the apartment anyway.”
“Jacob.”
He didn’t answer. Stunned, I watched him stalk away. He fumbled with the door and then disappeared into the building. I heard the door slam behind him with an awful sound of finality. He didn’t really mean all that, did he? My mind spun, trying to process our conversation. I tried reaching out for him mentally and all I found was a dark wall. It would’ve been an easy matter for me to knock it down, but if I did, I might never be able to repair the damage between us.
I moved into the alleyway, looking up at the dark window of Jacob’s bedroom. Damn, this scenario was familiar. There was something eating at him beyond my wish for him to leave, far beyond the words I’d said that had hurt him, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around whatever it was.
The light in his room came on and a few moments later Jacob came to the window, staring down at me. For several minutes, we studied each other. Tentatively, I reached out with my mind to brush against his thoughts. For a moment, I thought he reached back out to me, but then he turned around, disappearing from view.
I scrubbed my hand over my scalp, at a loss for what to do. My chest ached as I contemplated the sudden gulf between us. And what made the whole thing even worse was not knowing whether or not he was going to be out of harm’s way.
I TURNED away from the window before Kristair’s pull could lure me to go to him. I went into the kitchen, where Tony was throwing together some sandwiches. “Want some soup to go with that?” I asked, opening the cupboard near the fridge and pulling out a can of tomato soup. I was really in need of some comfort food.
“Sure.” Tony moved to the side to give me enough room to work at the stove.
I eyed him, wrestling with my conscious. Did it really matter if Tony never knew who his attacker was? I didn’t want to try to defend Kristair again, especially when I knew he’d believe me about as much as Steve did. Besides, I knew it was never gonna happen again. Still, it felt too much like lying.
“How are you?” I asked, pouring the soup into the saucepan and turning the stove on.
“Better,” Tony replied. “Did you see Steve?”
Tony did look better, and was certainly less scared. Steve must’ve reassured him, though I was surprised he hadn’t told him the truth. Maybe he was waiting for me to do it. My conscious squirmed again. Dammit.
“Yeah.” I concentrated on stirring the soup so it wouldn’t burn. “They’ll probably let him come home in a few days.” I hoped.
No, I couldn’t tell him. He was scared enough as it was and if I were to tell him that vampires existed, he’d never believe he was safe again. Now, if I could just convince Steve that keeping his mouth shut was a good idea. I sighed. He’d probably think Kristair made me do it. For a moment, I was overcome with the desire to see him again, to let him hold me. Everything made more sense when we were naked in bed together. Only, right now that’s where the danger lay. I wanted him too much.
“Just in time for the school to reopen. Lucky Steve.” Tony grabbed some paper plates and laid the sandwiches on them, adding some chips. He glanced at me and I couldn’t help but see the faint shadows in his eyes, overriding his usual good humor. “Do you think…?” He stopped as if unsure whether or not he should say it.
“Go on,” I replied, getting out the bowls and pouring the soup into them.
“Do you think it’ll come back?” He shrugged, picking up the plates and carrying them to the rickety table in the corner. “I mean, Steve doesn’t seem to think so but… I don’t know. I just want to be prepared, that’s all.”
I grabbed a couple of beers, and then balanced the bowls, carrying them to the table as well. “No, I don’t,” I said firmly, trying to offer what reassurance I could. “It was probably just some whacko looking for money or drugs. I don’t think he’d want to meet Steve or his baseball bat again.”
I thought of how I left Kristair below watching me and wondered how long it was going to be before he ignored what I said and came in after me. Or, if he would even try. Lord knew, if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t have let him walk away like that, and he had already proved he had no problem with walking in here uninvited.
My anger disappeared, leaving me depressed. I knew Kristair did have feelings for me. I felt it every time we were connected, sometimes more than others, like when we were screwing. But maybe he had been telling the truth. Maybe he couldn’t be in love with me, not like I was with him. We were so different. He was a vampire, several thousands of years old, and I was just a college kid, more interested in football than anything else. Yet, he cared for me. He needed me. But wouldn’t somebody else be able to be his vessel for him?
I realized Tony was speaking and gave him a distracted smile. “I’m sorry. My mind was somewhere else.” Yeah, with a creature that was walking the streets of Pittsburgh, doing God knew what.
“Obviously.” Tony sat back and tossed his crumpled napkin onto his plate. “Well, if you and Steve refuse to be worried, then I won’t be either.” He got up, leaving his dishes and empty beer bottle on the table. “I’m going over to a party at the towers. Wanna come?”
It always amazed me how Tony could do that. If he said he was going to forget about something, then he did so immediately and went on about with his life just as unconcerned and cheerful as if nothing had happened in the first place. I wished it were only that simple for me.
“Nah, I’ve got some studying to catch up on now that classes have been canceled. If I don’t get my grades up I’m screwed next fall.” I brought my dishes to the full sink and grabbed another beer.
“Seriously, senior year, it’s the big time for you.” Tony grabbed his coat and flashed me a smile. “I want to be at your prayer table when you’re drafted. You owe me.”
Oh, didn’t I. “Don’t worry, Tony. You, Steve, and Ma—I’ve got it covered.” I popped the top off the bottle and followed him out into the living room, watching him head for the door.
Something suddenly made me call out his name; I don’t know what. He looked back at me with a question in his gray-green eyes. I chuckled, at a loss for words, and waved him away. “Just ignore me. Have a cold one for me, bro.”
“Will do,” Tony replied, and then disappeared through the door.
I sighed and roamed around the living room and kitchen, restless. I washed the dishes from dinner and my breakfast that morning in order to procrastinate more so than because I was a neat freak. Finally, I went back to my bedroom with a third beer in my hand. I had zero interest in my Statistics homework and I sure as hell didn’t want to tackle the new epic poem I was supposed to be reading for my paper. Instead, I grabbed my Abnormal Psych book and notes and sat down at my desk. I was supposed to have had a test on it today, which I would’ve bombed if classes hadn’t been canceled. Even if last night hadn’t been utter freaking madness, I wouldn’t have studied. So, I might as well use the opportunity to catch up before my professor rescheduled the exam.
I tried. I swear I did. Some people just weren’t cut out to be scholars. And I was one of them. After an hour of staring at the meaningless jumble of words, I shoved the book aside and grabbed my football off the dresser. I lay back on my mattress and tossed it into the air.
My life had been going just fine until Kristair had shown up. I had gotten my own place with my best friends. Our team was phenomenal that year, and I was playing in most of the games. Hell, I was even doing okay in my classes, at least enough that Coach Latimer was off my back. Then bam. There he was. Halloween night. I don’t think I’d ever forget that moment when our eyes met as long as I lived. Heat… desire… and the certain knowledge that my life had just changed.
I tossed the football again, knowing Kristair was near. I didn’t even need to look toward the window, or let down the wall I’d erected between us. How many nights had he sat there, watching me in the same way? Long enough for me to lose my fear of him, even if I never did lose my fear of what letting him in would do to my life.
It was too late for second guesses. I’d already opened that window. I loved him, more than I thought it was possible to love someone. And I sure as hell didn’t want him turning around and leaving, thinking I would be safer if he was out of my life. The thought scared me more than these constant changes I had no control over. I caught the football and turned my head to look up at him.
Kristair was sitting with his back against the fire escape. His unreadable dark eyes were on me. For a fleeting moment, his face almost looked wistful, but the expression was gone before I could be sure.
I rose to my feet and pressed my fingertips against the glass, resting my forehead on it as well. The glass was cool against my skin, but rapidly warmed at my touch. Kristair copied me, placing his hand over mine, our lips a breath apart. We looked at each other for several minutes, the only thing separating us the thin, flimsy glass barrier, yet it seemed like so much more.
“I love you.” I said finally. “I shouldn’t have walked away from you.” I let down the wall I’d put up and felt my lover do the same.
“I’m sorry, mo chroí.” Kristair pushed his emotions back for the most part, but I had been with him long enough to sense his pain and uncertainty. “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you like that, nor to cause dissension among your friends.”
“That was my own fault. You tried to warn me and of course I didn’t listen. I knew you wouldn’t kill me, but I never thought about Tony and Steve and what danger you were to them with as hurt as you were.”
He cut himself off from me. The wall was erected again, this one even stronger than my own had been, as Kristair locked his emotions away. “You can’t say that. I was taking too much from you. If Tony hadn’t interrupted, who’s to say what your fate would’ve been.”
I could only stare back at him in shock as he continued, his mental voice flat and emotionless. “I’m not human, Jacob. I haven’t been for a long time—a very long time. You want me to feel things the way you do. To show them to you, but I can’t. I’m a predator. I know about hunting and survival, but precious little else beyond that. I can’t give you what you want. I don’t know how anymore.”
He was afraid.
I knew that quite suddenly and with absolute certainty. I stepped back just enough to open the window, then swung myself through it to join him on the fire escape. I wrapped my arms around him, aware that, on some level, it was bitterly cold outside, but ignored it.
“You feel more than most, not less, love. That’s why you’re always hiding from it.” My eyes pinned his as I caught his face between my hands. My will battered at the walls he had in place around him. I half-expected him to shove me away, but it was as if I held him somehow spellbound. Bit by bit, the barrier crumbled, until I felt the familiar upsweep of his emotions coming toward me.
I closed my eyes, my thumbs caressing his elegant cheekbones, and willingly let them wash over me. Perhaps it wasn’t love, as Kristair claimed, but whatever it was, I wanted it. I needed it. And if he couldn’t give me the words I wanted now, I would be patient until he was ready.
Then his lips were on mine and I kissed him back passionately. He wrapped his coat around my shoulders before the world fell away beneath my feet. With a startled oath, I broke the kiss and stared down at my apartment building, already far below and getting smaller, as we flew away.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I clung to his shoulders and concentrated on the cleft on his chin. My heart was beating so fast that, every time I thought of the huge empty space between us and the ground, I got dizzy until I had to force myself to stop thinking about it.
“I thought we could go someplace for a couple of hours and get naked. We seem to communicate much better that way.” Kristair’s voice was warm and close to my ear. His arms were strong around me. I laid my head on his shoulder, turning my face into his neck, and closed my eyes, which kept the panic at bay—barely.
“I like naked,” I said, a bit ashamed at the shakiness of my voice. “Didn’t I tell you that I hate heights?”
“No, you neglected to mention that.” The bastard had the balls to sound amused.
“I still haven’t changed my mind about leaving the apartment and going someplace safer.” I opened my eyes to find buildings flashing by and promptly closed them again, losing my train of thought.
“I didn’t think you had. Don’t worry. I’ll bring you back later.”
“Preferably on foot, or better yet a cab, or that hot car I know you have stashed away someplace,” I said, going boneless with relief when our feet touched solid ground again.
“Are you going to faint on me?”
I opened my eyes to see the smile on my lover’s face. “Fuck you.”
“I was hoping you’d offer,” Kristair said, waiting until I was steady before stepping back to open the French doors behind me. We were on a balcony overlooking the nicer part of Pittsburgh. Curious, I followed him, my eyes widening at the expensive luxury of the hotel room I found myself in.
“So this is where you’ve been?” I felt awkward and a little out of place, but I pushed it aside as I began exploring the main room of the suite. After all, this was the kind of life I’d always dreamed about. Richly upholstered couches and chairs ringed around an enormous cabinet holding a flat-screen TV. There was even a bar in the corner, fully stocked, and another area to work in with a desk and wireless Internet.
Kristair watched me explore, closing and locking the balcony doors behind him. I followed him into the huge bedroom. The king-size bed was covered in a mound of pillows and a thick expensive bedspread. I leapt and bounced on it, grabbing one of the pillows and looking back at my lover, who was watching my antics with amusement. “I thought you could use the opportunity to relax after everything,” he said.
I watched in fascination as he dropped the illusion he’d been holding onto, his true appearance emerging. “Can’t the Syndicate see through that?”
Kristair shook his head. “No, they would have to be older than me or at least my age. They can only project an illusion, like I did that first night to hide the tattoos.”
I gave him a puzzled look. “Isn’t that what you just did?”
“No. That would take too much effort to maintain and concentrate on when I’d rather my mind be on other things. I can physically alter my features. None of those younglings have the mental strength yet. They probably haven’t even considered that it can be done. Because it’s a real change, there is nothing to see through.” He cocked his head, giving me a sensual look full of promise. “Would you like to bathe together, mo chroí?”
That sounded like heaven. My dinky little bathroom was not designed for sex. We would have to be gymnasts to fit in there and move at the same time. I nodded my head and followed him into the bathroom. The Jacuzzi tub would easily fit the two of us and I leaned against the doorjamb, watching him start the water, drinking in his familiar beloved features.
“Hey, Kristair, can you make yourself look like anything you want?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, his dark eyes questioning. “Within reason. Why do you ask?” His voice was slightly wary.
“Can you turn yourself into a woman?” I asked, smiling mischievously at the flash of indignation that went through him. “I bet you’d make a gorgeous woman.” With his facial structure and sensual lips… damn, I wanted to see it.
Kristair gave me a withering glance, which did nothing to faze me. “Why would I be interested in doing something like that?”
“It would be incredibly kinky,” I replied and walked over to him, seeing the way he reacted to the heat in my eyes. It only made my lust burn hotter. I leaned over him and nipped the nape of his neck hard.
“Come on, love. It would be fun,” I urged him, sliding my finger down the slope of his throat.
“No,” Kristair replied firmly, and then muttered, “impudent brat.”
I WONDERED if Jacob had any notion of just how irresistible he was. Probably not, or else he would give me no end of trouble, more so than he already did, such as this utterly ridiculous notion of his. He wasn’t going to give up on the idea, and I knew that, at some point, I was going to give in to him. He had entirely too much power over me, yet I didn’t care. I trusted him implicitly.
I thought about my discovery last night. It would only require a thought. Even though I’d never made a change like that, I knew it was possible. What else was I capable of? The thought was a little bit terrifying. A tantalizing whisper called in my mind only to be banished by Jacob’s unrepentant voice as his mouth found its way to my earlobe. “You wouldn’t want me any other way.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” My eyes half-closed with pleasure. The wanton man played me like a mandolin, wreaking havoc with my senses and emotions.
Jacob deftly undid the top buttons of my dress shirt, sliding his fingers in to tweak my nipples. “There are practical reasons as well, other than fulfilling my wicked fantasies.”
“I have no wish to discuss practicalities right now,” I said, trying to draw together my scattered thoughts. I was losing track of the conversation and what stand I wanted to take with this particular argument.
“Oh, good. Neither do I.” Jacob’s fingertips settled under my chin, lifting my face up. The look in his bright blue eyes made my stomach flutter and my bones turn to water. I loved him dominant. It appealed to a long-dormant side of me and made me want to succumb to him. “Then we can just move on to the fantasy.”
His teeth worried my lower lip before drawing it into his mouth. His fingertips slid from my jaw and over my scalp, sending little tingles of awareness through me. Troublemaker. I caught Jacob around the waist and twisted. There was a yelp and a splash. I looked down at Jacob as he stared back up at me, his wide eyes from where he sat fully clothed in the tub, water up to his hips.
“That shut you up,” I teased, cupping my hand in the hot water and splashing him. His blue eyes flashed.
“Kristair, you’re such a bitch,” Jacob growled, grabbing the front of my shirt and yanking me in after him.
Water surged around us and I started laughing, my shirt and slacks clinging to me. “So you keep saying.”
“So you keep proving,” Jacob retorted. His fingers impatiently tugged at the rest of the buttons on my shirt, which resisted his efforts. He growled again, tugging harder, ripping it the rest of the way open. His mouth latched onto my neck, sucking and biting at it until I knew there would have been a mark had I been human.
I pulled away from him long enough to tug his own sopping shirt over his head. It was going to take hours for his sneakers alone to dry. Oh well. At least I knew he was safe here with me. I would take each night as it came. I slid my hands over his shoulders, my cock throbbing in my pants. I was anxious to rid us from the restriction of our clothing.
Jacob must have felt the same way, because he untangled us and stepped out of the tub, kicking out of his sneakers. He reached a hand out to me, hauling me up. Quickly, I divested myself of the rest of my clothing, laughing as he cursed, trying to peel his jeans off. I reached out and caught him as he lost his balance, and once I had my hands on him, I couldn’t resist kissing him.
He broke away. “Wait, wait. You’re seriously hampering my efforts to get naked here.”
My eyes raked over his half-naked body, his jeans tangled around his thighs. I slid my hand down his hip, and then moved it over to cup his balls. “I could always rip your jeans from you.”
He held onto me as he finished kicking the stubborn denim off. “And have to go back to my place in nothing but a shirt and boxers in the middle of February? I don’t think so.”
Jacob’s hands settled on my waist, squeezing lightly. “You know, if you’re really against changing into a woman, how about wearing a corset for me?” His eyes were wicked. “You don’t have to worry about trying to breathe, at least.”
“Very funny, brat,” I replied. I had to distract him from his current fixation. I wrapped my arms around him, lifted him up, and settled us into the tub again, groaning at how good the hot water felt against my naked skin. How good Jacob felt. I met his eyes and leaned close to him, resting my forehead against his. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you about us?”
Jacob shook his head. “Later, Kristair. I’m not ruining this mood I’ve got going.” He nipped down my throat. His tongue traced over my collarbone, licking off little drops of water.
“What kind of mood is that?” I bantered back, reaching over to shut off the water before we flooded the entire bathroom. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, either, or to feel the oppressive weight that had been dragging me down before Jacob had opened the window to let me in. I scraped my nails over his ribs and a light shudder ran through his body.
“The mood to just be with you,” Jacob whispered, leaning back against the tub and pulling me down over him, his arms holding me tight as he kissed .
His answer surprised me. I had been expecting him to say “fucking me” or something along those lines. His reply confirmed my belief that something was eating at Jacob, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it before it festered. So I surrendered, melting into his arms and kissing him, letting him direct how our evening would go. It was so easy to do for him. There was no hesitation.
Jacob’s cock bobbed in the swirling water, the head brushing with teasing little flutters along my stomach. I groaned in anticipation of it pushing deep into me.
Jacob must’ve read my wish loud and clear because his fingers pressed against my entrance and then thrust hard. There was a slight sting as my muscles adjusted to him, but it was minor and the water soothed the ache. I laid my cheek on top of his head, groaning again as he stretched me.
“Please, Jacob.” I moved restlessly against him. “I just want you inside of me.”
He captured my hands, pinning them against the small of my back, continuing to torment me. His fingers found my prostate and massaged it, sending long ripples of pleasure through me. “It’s my way tonight.” He brought his mouth down to my neck, kissing, nipping hard.
I rested my forehead against the cool tiles, arching my throat as he continued to work his mouth down. His teeth scored my nipple, teasing it into painful hardness. I twisted against him, searching to touch his cock more firmly, trying to get him worked up enough so that he’d take me the way I knew both of us wanted, but his cock proved elusive, the water making us more buoyant.
“But you want to fuck me.” I glanced down, meeting his wicked eyes, and circled my hips against his stomach, my cock sliding along the hard muscle. Damn, that felt good, as Jacob would say.
Jacob snickered. “There are many things I want.” His hand came down on the bare skin of my ass sticking out of the water. It made a sharp cracking sound and stung just right. I moaned, pushing back against his hand, a soft sound escaping me as my rocking motion pushed his fingers even deeper into me. His hand tightened on my wrists. “And you know what they are.”
I had no idea why he wished to see me as a woman. I suppose that meant there were still mysteries to him that I had yet to discover. The thought was titillating. I pushed back my apprehension, more curious to see what Jacob’s reaction would be. I lowered my mouth close to his ear, my voice breathy, as desire, surrender stole through me. “Is this what you want?”
Slowly I changed, pulling back to watch his eyes widen as my hair grew until it just brushed the tops of my shoulders, my features becoming smaller, more delicate, though I kept their basic shape. He sat up in the water, his face stunned, and released my wrists. I rose up onto my knees, my eyes riveted on him, and his reaction as my body became slighter than his, my limbs rounding. It felt alien, but the look of fixation on his face was thrilling.
Jacob’s hands slid up my chest, my breasts growing to fit into them. His thumbs slid over my nipples, working them into peaks. “Holy God…,” he breathed, tearing his eyes away from my altered body and meeting my gaze.
“Your god has nothing to do with this,” I replied, leaning over him and drawing his lower lip into my mouth, biting it hard, stopping just before drawing blood. I sensed how his mind whirled, trying to take it all in.
I rocked against him, rubbing my cock against his stomach. The wild flutter of desire raced from him into me and back to him again. The connection we had together ramped up our emotions as they clashed and came together.
Jacob groaned and looked down at our bodies underneath the water. “Kristair… damn.”
I think this had to be the first time in the short history of our relationship that I saw him at a loss for words. It was most gratifying. I smiled slowly, dragging my tongue along his jaw. “Satisfied?” I wasn’t sure how far he’d push it, or if, by having this taste, he would be content to back off.
Jacob chuckled. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” His hand slipped beneath the water to cup my balls, squeezing them lightly.
I should’ve known better. “Don’t ever let it be said that you aren’t spoiled beyond measure, mo chroí. And so help me if you ever tell anyone about this.”
He laughed again. “Who would believe me, Kristair?”
It was so easy to change, but the oddity failed to register as much as my wicked lover did. He touched me, fingers exploring as my cock became a clit, all the nerves packed into a much smaller area. As he stroked his fingers, my body jolted, fire racing through me. His finger slid lower, parting my lips, stroking the hair, his fingertip teasing my new entrance.
I shuddered, laying my head on his shoulder, trying to assimilate the new sensations. It was so different, but familiar in a strange way. Voices whispered but skittered away as Jacob groaned. His breath was quick and fast against my shoulder. He pressed light kisses along my collarbone, murmuring nonsensical words. I gasped as he thrust his fingers deep in me, clutching his shoulders, my nails digging into his skin.
Jacob alternated between driving his fingers hard and teasing my clit with his thumb. I could feel it starting to swell, the sensations almost raw. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the newness of it all or maybe I had done it wrong, I didn’t know. I wasn’t that familiar with female anatomy. It felt amazing though, so I wasn’t about to stop to make any minor adjustments since Jacob didn’t seem to think anything was amiss.
“Dammit, Jacob. Fuck me already.” My voice was raspy. I nipped his shoulder to let him know I meant it.
He lifted his head, his eyes blazing. I trembled as he lifted his hand, winding his fist in my hair and pulling my head back. He bit my jugular hard and I moaned. I felt myself being lifted up when he rose from the tub and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me over to the shower. His cock slid wet and slick from one entrance to the other, back and forth over my perineum. It was interesting to have two areas aching to be filled.
I drew his earlobe into my mouth as I heard him turn the shower on. “More water sports?”
“I don’t want to get any more water on the floor and I love the way you look wet and sleek.”
Jacob carried me under the hot, pelting spray and I kissed him hard, moving my hips restlessly against him, attempting to get him to penetrate me. Every time I had the head of his cock lined up hot against my entrance, it would slide away between the cheeks of my ass. I growled in frustration, my nails digging into his shoulders again. “Jacob….”
“Aren’t you the one always telling me patience?”
Jacob’s mouth dipped to capture my nipple. He pressed my back against the slick, heated tiles, and I looked down in fascination as he continued to toy with my breast. It looked so odd and, I had to admit, very erotic. He pulled his mouth away roughly and my nipple snapped back, my breast bouncing.
“Screw patience.”
Jacob’s chuckle was gruff and ragged. “My mouth is rubbing off on you,” he teased.
Need was clawing at me and it was doing the same to him. I struck, my fangs sinking deep into his throat, knowing that it would send him over the edge. I tasted his blood, ever so briefly, the sweet tang thick on my tongue before withdrawing. To my satisfaction, Jacob snarled.
His arms hooked under my knees, his hands supporting my rib cage, and then I felt his cock at my new entrance pushing into me deep before I could utter a word. My eyes widened; it seemed too tight. Again I wondered if I had done it right, but Jacob groaned and thrust again, settling all the way inside of me.
Jacob braced his hand on the tiles and started fucking me. I placed a shaky hand against my stomach and my other hand continued to dig into his shoulder. His breath came in quick pants and it was a wonder he could breathe at all in the thick steam surrounding us. I clenched around him instinctively, heat tingling down my spine as he groaned.
I bit my lip, tasting my own blood as the tender skin tore. Jacob’s eyes gleamed and he drew my lip into his mouth, running his tongue over the flesh even as it healed. His hands tightened on my waist and I moaned as he withdrew, my entrance aching as his cock left me. “Don’t stop now.”
“I’m not.” He set me down, my body sliding down his, and turned me around on trembling legs.
I groaned as I felt his cock sliding slickly between the cheeks of my ass and leaned forward, bracing my hands on the wall. Jacob spread my legs wider with his knee and an almost unbearable tension strung taut between us. I cried out, my nails scraping on the tiles as he gripped my hips hard and slammed into me, driving directly into my prostate.
“Kristair, you drive me fucking insane,” he hissed against the nape of my neck, his hips thrusting furiously. The friction was nigh indescribable.
I clenched around him again in response, weakness stealing over me as he growled in my ear. His hand slid from my hip, his fingers parting my lips, and flicking my clit. I was going to crawl out of my skin. He alternated between thrusting against my prostate and teasing my clit until I was trembling all over and fighting the urge to scream. It was too much, yet I never wanted it to stop.
“Kristair… Kristair… Kristair,” Jacob chanted my name, his thrusts becoming erratic.
I reached my hand around, digging my nails into the nape of his neck. My orgasm ripped through me, my body stiffening as I cried out again. My body tightened further, almost painfully as he continued to thrust and tease, every nerve ending on my body over-sensitized. Then he was coming too, his voice a nearly unrecognizable groan in my ear.
I slumped against the tiles, Jacob leaning into me, both of us trembling violently. I clenched around his softening cock again and he shuddered. “You’re killing me,” he groaned. He had no room to talk.
KRISTAIR HAD the hotel pick up our clothes so they could be washed and we now sat naked and curled up against each other on the couch, a blanket stolen from the bed wrapped around us. The TV was on, but I wasn’t paying any attention to it. His strong fingers were kneading the muscles of my neck and shoulders, soothing out kinks I didn’t even know I’d had.
I leaned back in his arms as he slid them around me, pulling me closer. He’d waited all of two minutes after our frantic bout of sex to change his appearance back. I had been surprised he’d waited that long. Hell, I couldn’t believe he’d done it at all, though I wasn’t gonna complain. It had been even fucking hotter than I’d imagined.
“Why’d you do it?” My voice was soft and I twisted to look over my shoulder. I had been sure he’d never agree in a million years. My lover took his dignity very seriously, perhaps too seriously sometimes.
He was quiet at first, his hand meeting mine under the blanket and lacing our fingers together. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “You seemed to need it.” He kissed the top of my head. “That’s not the whole truth. There are many reasons why. That was one. Using it for leverage was another. Then there was knowing it was going to drive you insane. That alone was worth it. And….”
“And…?” I twisted around more so I could see his face in the dim light.
Kristair remained silent and I turned around, crossing my arms over his chest. I laid my chin down on them and he smiled at me, stroking his fingers over my cheek. “Why don’t you tell me what is bothering you first, mo chroí?”
I sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it… it’s stupid.”
He slid his fingers back into my hair, cradling my head. “No, Jacob. I doubt that it’s stupid. Please?”
I glanced away, my fingers fiddling with the edge of the blanket, and shrugged. “It’s nothing.” He didn’t respond and I knew he would wait all night if he had to. I shifted, looking up at his face and flushing. “I just feel out of control. Everything is happening so fast, things I can’t fight back against and don’t really involve me, only you. But they’re changing everything.”
I sat up, straddling Kristair’s hips and raking my hand through my hair as he continued to watch me. “I know I can’t help you fight the Syndicate and it drives me nuts. I can’t convince my friends that you’re the good guy and I hate that.”
“I know,” Kristair murmured. “But that’s not all of it. You said….” He hesitated, his dark eyes anxious, and for a moment I thought he was going to drop the conversation. A part of me hoped he would because talking like this made me uncomfortable, but the need to have honesty between us outweighed my discomfort. “I don’t think of you as a child.” His tangle of emotions was almost painful in their intensity. “I don’t think of you as less than me.”
My chest tightened. “But I am, despite what you think.” It meant a lot that he would say so even if it wasn’t true. “I feel so fucking helpless. There’s nothing I can do to help you, and I always get in the way. All I can do is stand back there and watch and that’s not me.” The words flooded out. “And how the hell can you say that you don’t think of me as less? You’re so much older than I am, you’ve seen and done more, you can do things I can’t even begin to imagine, that I’ll never be able to do. I’m just an ignorant kid compared to you.” Agitated, I rose from the couch, wishing we’d never started this fucked-up conversation in the first place.
“No you’re not,” Kristair said firmly, and I could see how much I had upset him. “I cannot help what I am, or how long I’ve been around. The experiences you’ve had are different from mine, but they’re not irrelevant. The things that make you who you are, the passion with which you live your life, your loyalty to your friends, those are what draw me to you.” He got up and walked over to me. Laying his hands on my shoulders, he stared at me so intently, I couldn’t look away.
“You asked why I went along with your fantasy. It was for all the reasons I said and because, with you, I can be who I really am—just Kristair without all of the other preconceptions people lay on me.” He paused again, worrying his lip. “I can submit to you as much as I want to because you will never be afraid of demanding what you want. Because you are yourself and that lets me be myself. I need to be with you. I want to give you what you desire. I have to keep you safe and sane. The way you make me feel is confusing and frightening, but I refuse to lose it. If this is what love is, then yes, I am in love with you.”
My eyes burned as I stared at him, stunned. “Did you just say you loved me?” Maybe I was a little slow, but I had pretty much given up on the idea that he was ever going to admit it.
There was a faint smile on Kristair’s lips. “That seems to be the sum of it. Though you’ve been insisting that I do for quite awhile now, so I don’t see why it’s such a shock.”
I wrapped my hand around the back of his head and tugged, bringing his lips to mine. “You feeling it—no, you actually admitting it—that’s something else, love. I don’t know what else to say.”
Kristair pulled back and took my hand, leading me back to the couch. “I didn’t actually think that was possible. That’s one up for me then, for once.”
“Funny.”
“How did you know? You’ve been insisting for months that I did, taking crazy risks. How did you know I loved you?”
The genuinely baffled expression on his face made me smile. “Tá mo chroí istigh ionat. You said it yourself, the first night we made love. ‘My heart is within you,’ and you didn’t mean all that hoodoo stuff you were planning either.” There was a rare vulnerability in his dark eyes that made my chest tighten. I leaned in closer, brushed my nose against his. “You gave me your heart before you meant to, I think. Don’t worry, love; it’s safe with me.”
“There is no doubt in my mind.”
I settled back down against him and wrapped the blanket around us. It was beginning to sink in. All the stress and anxiety I’d been carrying around melted away under his confession. I smiled, more at ease, the gnawing fear abruptly changed to bubbling happiness. I’d say nothing could ruin my mood now, but I had no intention of jinxing myself. Kristair loved me. He admitted it with his own lips and there was no going back for him now. I wasn’t going to let him forget.
“Do you feel better now?”
I nodded. Right now, I was as happy as it was humanly possible to be. We sat, not speaking, holding each other, lightly touching the other’s body, exchanging lingering kisses as the night went on. Staying away from my apartment for a couple weeks was an awesome idea if I got to spend each evening like this.
“You can go back to your apartment if you wish. I’ve rented this hotel room for the next month. I want you to promise, if you ever suspect someone’s watching you, following you, or something happens that makes you think they’ve found you, that you’ll come here. Bring Tony and Steve if it’ll make you feel better, and if they’d agree,” Kristair said, meeting my eyes, his expression grave.
That I could give my word on, especially if it eased Kristair’s mind. “I don’t know if they’d come. Unless I told them about the free booze.” I laughed.
Kristair’s brows drew together. “I know you trust your friends. If you think they’d listen or believe you, you can tell them the truth about me and what’s happening with the Syndicate. Perhaps they’d be safer if they were aware of the true danger.”
This made the third time this evening that Kristair had totally floored me. “You’re serious?” He nodded. “I’ll have to think about it. I’m not sure if they’re ready for vampires and everything that goes bump in the night, but….” I smiled and brushed my mouth across his. “Thanks, love. That means a lot.”
He shrugged, as if it were no big deal, though I was beginning to understand that his signs of indifference were masks. We fell silent, holding each other, serenity falling over me. All my life I think I was searching for this exact feeling, the contentment that comes from loving and knowing I was loved in return, the warm, safe feeling of being wrapped up, naked in your lover’s arms, and pushing all my worries away for another day and living in the moment.
When we started talking again, he told me what happened after he left the apartment the night before and I told him about the run-in with the cops at the hospital. He didn’t seem to be that concerned about it, though it bugged me. I didn’t want him to be threatened from a whole other group of people.
“It’s hard to keep our existence an entire secret. Most people don’t believe vampires exist, some suspect, and others, like you, know the truth. The police will stay out of it.” Kristair soothed, caressing my shoulder. “They have bigger concerns.”
I hoped he was right, but again, it was something else I had no control over. He asked about Kayla and I snickered, retelling her stories, which seemed to both amuse and exasperate him. Which reminded me. I turned to face my lover again.
“Kristair, would you turn me into a vampire if I asked you to?”
He met my eyes solemnly, hesitated, and then shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t.”
My mouth curved in a wry smile. “I knew that was going to be your answer.” It ached, knowing he wouldn’t, but not as much as I thought it would. Maybe it was because he’d finally admitted how he felt about me.
“Jacob, you don’t want it, not really,” Kristair said. “You have all these hopes and dreams you’ve worked toward that you’d have to give up. You’re not the kind of person to do that.”
“I would though,” I replied, surprised at how serious I was. “If it meant staying with you forever. If it meant you and I would be on the same footing. I know you say we’re not unequal and maybe in some ways you’re right, but not completely. I’ll always… well, I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“Even if I were to change you, have you considered that I will always be older than you, more experienced than you? Becoming a vampire wouldn’t change that. In fact, if you feel like a child now….” He shook his head. “Just wait until your first couple of years as a vampire. It’s much worse.”
I guess I hadn’t thought of that, learning how to hunt people and drink their blood. I made a face. “That’s okay; you don’t have to tell me about it.” Kristair laughed softly, nuzzling my cheek. “It would be nice to be together forever, though, don’t you think?”
“If I thought we’d be allowed to do that, I’d turn you if you wanted me to, without hesitation.” There was such sorrow in his dark eyes as he spoke. “But it wouldn’t make any difference, not now. I don’t know how much time we have left, maybe months, maybe a couple of years, but not enough, and then I’d be leaving you alone to cope with a life you never wanted in the first place.”
I hated hearing it. I didn’t want to face the truth, not ever, and sure as hell not tonight. “Don’t say it,” I snapped. “You said the ritual helped.” There was another whole reason why I couldn’t ask to be a vamp. Holding onto his heart was the one thing holding him back from the fate he feared. I was selfish for even bringing it up.
“Mo chroí.” He caught my face between his hands and my eyes burned from the unshed tears in his eyes. “You’re connected so close to me, have become such an integral part of me. I know you’ve noticed the whispers, my disorientation when I awake. We’ve held it off, but we haven’t stopped it.”
“No.” I shook my head, refusing to hear it. “No….”
Kristair pulled me closer, pressing our foreheads together, staring at each me. “You know it too. I’m sorry.”
I clung to him fiercely, shaking my head again. No, I wouldn’t think about it. Instead, I concentrated on Kristair. The wild swirl of emotions that battered him, just like the first night when I let him into my room—anger, fear—but overwhelming everything else was that same sweet tenderness toward me that always destroyed my defenses. I didn’t want to lose it.
“Stay the rest of the night.” It was the closest I think I’d ever heard to an actual plea from him and I couldn’t refuse, especially not when I didn’t want to be apart from him either.
I nodded, kissing him lingeringly. “We can stay here on the couch ’til you have to go.” I wished he could stay with me too, so I could watch him while he slept. I didn’t bother asking though. He’d be completely vulnerable and there were enough dangers hounding him.
“I like the sound of that,” he replied, when we broke apart.
I laid my head against his silent chest, feeling the reassuring beat of his heart within me. He stroked his fingers through my hair as angry thoughts whirled in my mind. It wasn’t fucking fair. All we wanted was a little peace and the chance to be together, but it was a damn conspiracy on all sides. Maybe I was being paranoid, but that’s what it seemed like.
“Don’t get yourself so worked up.” Kristair kissed my temple. “We might have longer than we think.” His thoughts were troubled as well, which told me he didn’t believe his own words.
I burrowed closer. “Isn’t there anything we can do to stop it? Slow it down some more or something?”
“I’m not going to give up. I promise. I don’t know what else I can do, but I’ll keep working at it.” He stroked his fingers down my back, trying to soothe me.
I laid a kiss on his chest. “No, love, we’ll keep working at it.” Without even looking, I knew he was smiling.
“Yes, we….” He slid his hand down my arm and laced our fingers together. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?”
“I can sleep when the sun rises. I’m not wasting one single damned minute.” I turned fully around, sitting up to straddle his hips. My arms snaked around his neck as I forced the unpleasant thoughts from my head with the promise of something much more exciting.
He smiled again, a flash of white in the dim light. “What do you have in mind, wicked brat?”
I grinned back, then captured his mouth in a possessive, heated kiss until he groaned against my lips and stirred beneath me. I circled my hips against his. “We have several hours left. Why don’t you show me just how submissive you can be?”
A light shudder ran through him and he broke his mouth away, his gaze challenging. “I don’t know. Do you think you’re up to making me submit?”
I laughed wickedly. “Love, I haven’t even gotten started yet.”