I WANDERED, lost somewhere in another dimension or time I couldn’t comprehend. I had the impression of innumerable consciousnesses without form, merged together as one vast entity. I wanted to be included, I had to be included, but no matter what I tried, they wouldn’t let me into their fellowship. Lost and alone, I circled the void around them, my loneliness stark.
Alone. I hadn’t been so alone in awhile. Well, not that long. I had spent centuries alone, but something had changed recently. I searched my hazy memories, trying to pinpoint the difference between the past and now. Someone had come who banished my isolation. It seemed to me I should remember who he was and it disturbed me that I couldn’t. Something wasn’t right.
Somehow, if I could just get within the confines of the entity, if I could become a part of them, everything would make sense. As I probed the wall blocking me out, I realized that I had no body as well. Strange. I remembered having a body though the memory was indistinct, almost as if it belonged to someone else. I pondered the problem, trying to remember what I had looked like and as I did, the awareness of the mass consciousness started to fade.
I was a man. Yes, that was right.
Jacob.
The name came to me in a flash and the sound of it filled me with a sense of warmth, bordering almost on elation. Yes, Jacob. I needed to find him. Where was he? There was no trace of our connection, no sense of his mind, or stray emotion coming out to caress me when I wasn’t expecting it. The sense of wrongness grew stronger. Even when Jacob was sound asleep, I could still feel him. Where was I?
“Jacob?”
Silence. I called out louder and still no answer. It was as if he had ceased to exist, except for in my memory. Alarm trickled through my mind and I fought the invisible bonds holding me. There was no sense of direction, no way of knowing where I was or how to get back to my real life.
“You are one of us now.” The voices drifted across my thoughts, caressing me and easing my fear.
“What?” The formless presence grew stronger.
“You’re home.”
Home. It had been a long time since I had called any particular place home. I’d wandered for centuries, maybe even longer. I couldn’t recall. Home. The memories of Jacob and who I was fell away as the voices surrounded me. “Where are you?”
“We’re with you… we’ve always been with you. You have to listen harder. Don’t push us away again.”
Why would I do that? I realized with a thrill of joy that the wall between myself and the vast entity had disappeared. The whispering voices were coming from behind where that barrier had been. Their song beckoned me and I found myself drifting toward them, yearning to become a part of the whole.
Physical pain flashed through my knuckles and their lure was lost in my surprise. I had no hands, no body to feel pain. That didn’t make sense. The voices urged me to forget about the anomaly, and I was tempted to do so. However, it was not in my nature to let a puzzle go unresolved. I picked at the knot, trying to figure out where the sensation came from.
There was a glimpse of a young man, his beautiful features twisted in fear and pain as he pounded against a stone wall, his knuckles bleeding. My heart went out to him, to the agony I could somehow sense tearing him apart. His voice came to me, distorted down a long tunnel. “Damn it, Kristair! How can I help you when I can’t reach you?”
Kristair… who was Kristair? Curious, I moved closer to the young man. The voices clutched at me, but I evaded their touch as something far stronger pulled me away. Abruptly, the new place I was in disappeared like a soap bubble pricking in the air. Reality crashed as Jacob’s fury and terror pounded at me, dragging me from the lethargy that threatened to drag me under again.
“Jacob… mo chroí?” I tried to brush away my disorientation, which spun around me in sticky cobwebs. “What is wrong?” Had the Syndicate found him? I tried to figure out what time it was, but my usual inner clock was thrown off balance. I couldn’t even summon up the energy to move my matter out of the cement encasing me so I could go to him. It must be early indeed.
“Kristair? Kristair!” Profound relief swept through Jacob and I got the impression of him sagging against the wall. “Thank fucking god. I couldn’t wake you. I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up again. I thought… I even thought for a second that the connection between us was gone.”
“I’m here, mo chroí, I’m here.” I didn’t know what had happened, but I was going to get to the bottom of it one way or another. I tried pulling myself through the stone. My efforts were laborious and I had barely made any headway when I had to pause, overcome with exhaustion. It would be so easy to sink back into sleep, to let the shadows envelop me again.
“Don’t you fucking dare.”
The sound of Jacob’s snarl in my mind jolted me back into semi-wakefulness. “Cease your nattering,” I snipped, and then lost the thread of the conversation, lassitude blanketing my mind.
“Kristair, you fucking bastard, WAKE UP!”
Jacob’s fury and fear brushed some of the cobwebs away and I struggled to concentrate. Something was very, very wrong. “Such language, mo chroí.”
“Screw my language. Get your pretty ass out here, now!”
“Since you insist.” I started to seep through my stone chains again. It took every bit of concentration I had to move my essence; the sheer effort it required became a mental agony. “I’m sorry,” I said after the minutes had passed and I had only moved another inch. I was so close, yet breaking through that final barrier seemed insurmountable. “Staying awake and being active needs a great deal of effort when the sun hasn’t set.”
“It’s almost midnight.”
That got my attention and fear spiked. What was happening to me? This simple task had been effortless for centuries and now I was trapped by unyielding stone and my own helplessness. “Well then.” I tried to mask my fear so it wouldn’t feed into Jacob’s and struggled again to escape the prison that had been my haven. Was this what had happened to the others? To wake up one night and find that their powers had fled, to be trapped, their consciousness awake, eternally bound with no end in sight? The prospect was terrifying.
He shouldn’t have come back to his tower. Not that it would’ve made a difference being trapped here versus being trapped in the hotel walls. This was home, though, and he’d felt naked sleeping elsewhere.
“What if you fed first? Would that help?” Jacob’s question was tentative.
“It might, but I have to have physical form to do so.” The longer I fought, the more it exhausted me. It took such a toll on all my reserves, until I feared I would have nothing left and I had made little progress. It reminded me of the spider caught within the web, struggling out of instinct and terror, fighting until it couldn’t move anymore, and then the spider who had been lurking just out of sight came to feast. My thoughts went to those insidious whisperers; if I had a human body, sweat would’ve broken out.
“Not necessarily,” Jacob broke in. “Stop a minute and listen to me.” He waited until I had quieted before continuing. “I’ve noticed you don’t just take my blood. I’m always mentally and emotionally tired too. Couldn’t you just feed off that for now? Wouldn’t that work?”
I mulled it over. Normally, I would’ve rejected the idea out of hand, but our connection was so strong it just might work. “We can try.”
“What do I hafta do?”
“Just sit down and open yourself to me.” I sensed Jacob slide down the wall and began to merge our minds together as we had that evening I’d first confronted the Syndicate. It was much easier this time. We slipped into each other as if we were made to be one.
“I’m ready.” Jacob’s mental tone was determined. His love wrapped around me, supporting me even as the last of my mental strength disappeared. I clung to him, sinking deeper into his vitality and letting it sustain me.
I had my doubts it would work, but as I fed, basking in his sweet, strong psyche, I found myself waking, shaking off the strange spell that had come over me. I slid my matter through the wall, finally breaking free. As I reassumed my own form, I sagged and Jacob caught me.
“I have you, love,” Jacob said, easing back onto the floor, nestling me in his arms.
I clung to him, my eyes drinking in his face, unable to believe I was free. I glanced at the wall, an involuntary shudder running down my spine. Jacob pressed his wrist to my lips, silently encouraging me to feed, and I shook my head, pushing his hand away with a feebleness that once again shook me to my core.
“Please,” Jacob urged, and I sensed that he would find comfort in the exchange and, even though I wasn’t hungry, I bit him. Then there was the familiar heady rush I always got when I tasted his blood. It would never get old and was nothing like what I ever experienced with others. It was addicting.
I pulled back, feeling a little stronger, and turned my face against his chest. Questions wouldn’t stop running through my mind. If Jacob hadn’t come would I have ever woken up from that strange dream that had wrapped my mind in its coils? I knew for certain I wouldn’t have ever escaped that wall.
“God, Kristair,” Jacob said, his voice trembling as he gathered me closer and bent his head over mine. “I thought I’d lost you. Don’t ever fucking do that to me again.”
“I don’t plan to,” I replied softly, but I was troubled. The degradation seemed to be moving much faster now. All of my research had yielded no new information, no lead I could follow. I was at a loss for what to do.
“For starters, you’re not doing that melting through walls thing you do,” Jacob said firmly. “It always seems to strike you there.”
I nodded, struggling to sit up with his help. I studied my tower room. The cathedral had been my home since it had been completed decades ago. It would feel strange, vulnerable to sleep in a bed again, but not nearly as dangerous as trying that again.
“Is it really midnight?” I couldn’t help but ask, even though my sense of time had returned and I knew it was well past the witching hour now. “How long have you been here?”
“I started to worry when you didn’t wake up at your usual time, but shrugged it off at first. I knew you were asleep and those assholes couldn’t get to you. But the longer you went without even stirring….” He paused, laying his head against mine. “I came here around nine. Nothing I did woke you and you seemed different than when you sleep. I don’t know… alien somehow. And then our connection became kinda stretchy and I freaked out. I knew I was losing you.”
“You haven’t lost me.” I bit off the words that almost followed, but we both knew what they were. Not yet. Jacob’s arms tightened around me.
Finally, Jacob rose, helping me to my feet. My normal strength was beginning to return. “We need to find somewhere that’s safe for you during the day. I could always talk to the guys about you staying at our place.”
“They’d never agree, Jacob, and I don’t want to foster any more dissent between you and your friends.”
“You still sound like a damned dictionary and, you never know—they might,” Jacob argued as we went down the hallway to the stairwell. Elevator service still had not been restored and the thought of Jacob climbing all those flights of stairs to get to me filled me with a flush of warmth. “You told me I could tell them about you. I haven’t yet, but if I did they might agree.”
“You’re wasting your time. But don’t let me stop you.” At first, the stairs went by fast. By the time we’d reached the twentieth flight Jacob was tiring, though he tried to hide it.
“Any other ideas for where you could stay?” he asked, grimly moving on without complaint. “What about with Kayla?”
“No, she’s staying in the dorms. We’ll go to the hotel. We can put out the do not disturb sign during the day and have them clean in the evening.”
Jacob halted, his expression aghast. “That’s your grand plan, Kristair? And people call me an idiot. It’s a public building. People are in and out of there all the time. What if someone ignores the sign or the manager stops by for whatever reason? I hate to point this out to you, but I bet you look like a goddamned corpse when you sleep. You wouldn’t be very happy if you woke up in a morgue with a toe tag.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened,” I said, continuing down the stairs.
“That’s so not fucking funny.” Jacob stomped after me. “I’m serious.”
“I am too. I learned a long time ago that money opens all manner of doors.” I took his hand as he caught up with me. “In a place like that, with the money I’m spending, they won’t bother me.”
“I hate it,” Jacob grumbled.
“Then we’ll come up with another plan and stay at the hotel in the interim,” I said, trying to soothe him.
“You can bet your pretty ass we will, and I won’t be leaving the room during the day either.” From the tone of his voice, he was refusing to calm down.
“What about your classes? Don’t be ridiculous….” I quieted as he flung me a look. It looked as if he was going to be staying. We definitely needed another plan. I smiled as a thought came to me and I squeezed his hand. “You know, mo chroí, if you hadn’t come….”
“I don’t want to think about it,” he snapped. When he looked at me the stubbornness faded from his eyes. “I did come. That’s all that matters.”
We continued on down another flight in silence and I smiled again. “Jacob.”
“What?” Now why did he sound wary? My smiled turned to a grin.
“You’re my hero.”
I LOOKED at Steve expectantly as he got off the phone again, his scowl deepening. “Still no?”
“Nada. No one’s heard from Tony at all. They haven’t seen him and he hasn’t gone to classes.” He sat down on the couch, his dark face moody. “I’d like to think he decided to go home for a long weekend, but I know he would’ve said something to one of us. Left a note or something.”
“We should be laughing about this.” I gnawed on my lip. “He probably met some smokin’ hot chick and hasn’t left her side or something and when he finds out we’ve got our panties in a twist he’s gonna call us a bunch of tools.” It was the “or something” that bothered me. Two weeks had passed without the Syndicate doing anything and now Tony was missing. I wanted to believe it was coincidence, but the nagging worry wouldn’t leave me.
“Do you think your…?” Steve began, and I shot him a vicious look.
“Don’t even go there. Kristair is not behind this.” I jumped up from the couch, running a hand through my hair as I walked over to the window. The late winter sun was pale and watery as it shone through. I wanted to speak to my lover, just for the comfort of his presence, but it would have to wait until the sun set.
“Hey, Jake, what do you expect me to think? You’re screwing a vampire, the same fucking vampire who landed me in the hospital.” Steve shook his head. “I still can’t believe this.”
“I told you, it was an accident,” I snarled. The stress of the past two weeks was getting to me. First Kristair and Kayla had been hurt then Steve and Tony, then Kristair went all wonky on me by refusing to wake up, and now Tony was missing. God dammit, what did it take to get a fucking break? I felt torn in a hundred directions, stretched thin, and there wasn’t an end in sight.
Steve and I glared at each other across the room. I don’t know what I was thinking when I told him about Kristair. I thought he would’ve understood, but instead, he’d completely blown up. We’d had a huge fight and now I was staying at the hotel all the time. Until Tony disappeared, I hadn’t heard from him, though I saw Tony in class. I guess Steve had decided not to clue him in because other than constantly trying to get us to talk to each other again, he never brought it up. I certainly wasn’t going to. Losing one friend was enough.
“I’m sorry,” Steve muttered. “I know I’m not helping. It’s just…. Damn, Jake, can’t you see why I’d be upset? You’ve changed. I don’t want anything happening to you too.” He spun around, punching the wall.
“It already has,” I replied wearily, dropping down onto the sofa. “So much has already happened that I can’t even begin to go into. Yeah, I’ve changed, but not for the worse… I hope.”
Steve sat down on the other couch, looking at me steadily. “Okay, if it’s not your boyfriend, then what about those people who are after him? Could they be behind this?”
I thought about it, and then shook my head. “I don’t see why. Maybe if I had still been at the apartment, but I’ve been here at the hotel for the past week. It doesn’t make any sense.” I considered it again. “What makes you think it might be them?”
Steve shrugged. “I don’t know. Little things. He kept thinking he was being followed. He mentioned it a couple of times, then laughed it off as his overworked imagination. It made sense, after….” Steve paused and glanced at me. “Well, you know, wasn’t that how you felt at first when Kristair was stalking you?”
“You just had to say it, didn’t you?” I couldn’t even summon up real anger anymore, not when Tony was missing. Steve had a very good point. It did sound like what I went through last fall.
“Well, what else would you call it?”
“Point taken.” I scrubbed a hand over my face. “I can ask Kristair when he wakes up. He might have some ideas.” I glanced over at the bedroom door. It was tightly latched and I never looked in there unless I absolutely had to. Seeing my lover like that, so cold and still, gave me the willies, especially with everything else that was going on.
Steve sighed. “Well, I guess that’s all we can do for now. And if I don’t hear anything by tomorrow I’m calling the cops.”
I got up and snagged a couple beers from the mini-fridge, handing him one. “We should call his parents first. They might take it more seriously coming from them.” I hated thinking about calling them because it made it more real. Jesus…. Not Tony.
“After all those questions when we were carted to the hospital? No, man, they’ll take it seriously.”
Time paced slowly as we sat on the couch, sipping our beers. I watched the sun creep below the horizon, fidgeting and pacing. We talked a little, tentatively trying to bridge all of the angry words that we’d thrown at each other. As the light faded from the sky Steve jumped up, placing his bottle on the table. “Come on; let’s go see your boyfriend and get things started. I’m going nuts.”
“He’s not awake yet.” I rose to toss the bottles away. “It shouldn’t be too much longer. It tends to take him a bit.” Kristair said it was because he was so old. I don’t know. It just made me nervous sometimes; I got paranoid he was never going to wake up.
“How do you know?” Steve snapped. “Damn, at least let’s get moving. Maybe he’ll wake up while we’re on our way.”
“It’s another one of those things that you just won’t believe.” I wasn’t about to tell Steve he was sleeping in the next room and I’d told him enough without bringing in the mental hoodoo too. In his current mood, Steve would go charging in there and attempt to shake Kristair awake and I was pretty sure my lover was the kind of man who would wake up swinging.
Steve cursed under his breath, but shut up. About an hour later, I sensed Kristair stir, and a smile came over my face. “He’s awake,” I announced, hopping to my feet. “Wait here a minute, Steve. I’ll be right back.”
I hurried into the next room, shutting the door firmly behind me. Kristair was sitting up, running a hand over his scalp. Under normal circumstances, I’d find that to be damn cute, but now I tucked the image away for a good teasing laugh later on. “Good evening, Jacob,” Kristair said, a brief smile flickering over his lips. “How were your classes today?”
That was one argument I’d lost. Kristair told me to go because he wasn’t going to have me flunking my classes because of him. My mind wasn’t on class when I was there, but it made him feel better and in exchange he’d helped me write my essay. It was really weird to do something so everyday and ordinary with him. I liked it.
“They were fine.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “We’ve got a problem… maybe.”
His gaze sharpened and he shoved the blankets away and got out of bed, starting to get dressed. “What’s wrong?”
“Tony’s missing,” I replied, my gut sinking again. “We’re wondering if you think… if maybe the Syndicate might be involved.”
Kristair’s brows furrowed as he started to button his shirt. “That’s a possibility, I suppose, but if so, and forgive my insensitivity, that was rather sloppy of them.” He reached for his slacks and stepped into them. “Does he have a habit of taking off without word?”
“Not really. He may be gone overnight if he gets lucky, but not for a couple of days. He’d tell us.”
“How long has he been missing?” he asked as he sat on the edge of the bed and tugged his socks and shoes on.
“Two days.” I wish Steve had said something sooner, but hell, this was college. We wouldn’t have noticed if he was gone for one day. If things weren’t so screwed up we probably wouldn’t have been worried at the two days either. Considering the turn my life had taken, I was terrified for Tony.
“It’ll be okay, mo chroí,” Kristair said coming over to me and laying his hands on my shoulders. He leaned down to give me a kiss. “I’ll look into it. Why don’t you stay here? I should be back in a couple of hours. You can call someone to come over and keep you company. Maybe Kayla.” I read the thought that flickered across his mind. He’d like to know she was out of harm’s way.
“Well, Steve’s here already.” I shrugged as surprise flashed in his mind and gave him a tight smile. “I’ll call Kayla too. We’ll keep her in line.”
He arched an elegant brow and pulled on his coat. “You make me laugh.”
“That’s my job.” I followed him to the door and watched as Steve rose from the couch, staring Kristair down.
“I’ll see what I can find out,” Kristair said, his voice the ominous rumble of a spring storm on the bayou. “I should know something one way or another within a couple of hours.”
“How do you plan on starting? I thought you destroyed their last hidey-hole.” I cocked my head, puzzled.
Kristair gave me that dark smile of his, the one that made him look so predatory. “I’ll sniff him out, love.”
“I hope he knows what he’s doing,” Steve muttered after Kristair left.
“He’s got a better idea than I do.” I sprawled in the chair and picked up the phone. “And we’ve run out of options.”
“Just as long as Tony hasn’t,” he grumbled, glaring at nothing in particular.
That was a chilling thought. I dialed Kayla’s number and left a message for her when she didn’t answer. Once she had been released from the hospital, she had resisted Kristair’s efforts to move her out of the dorm to someplace safer, but she did have a point. She was probably better off where there were so many people moving around.
“Who was that?” Steve asked, thrusting his chin toward the phone.
“That, my friend, is the hottest chick on campus. And probably the most unattainable too.”
“I thought your vamp was the love of your life?”
“He is… but that shouldn’t keep a guy from looking when—”
“I can hear you, Jacob.”
I had to laugh at the crisp, prim tone to Kristair’s voice. “I’m just teasing, love.”
“Liar.” He laid a possessive mental kiss on my lips. “I had another idea. Why don’t you and Steve go wait at your apartment? If Tony is okay, that’s where you’re likely to run into him.”
“Okay. Do you think it’ll be safe?”
“I’ll have someone keep an eye not too far off.”
I didn’t like the idea of someone spying on me, but considering all of the insanity lately, I wasn’t about to argue. As I broke off my conversation with Kristair, I found Steve watching me strangely. I flushed. “He just suggested we wait at the apartment instead. In case Tony comes home and makes us all look like idiots.”
Steve nodded, rising to his feet. “What? He can’t use a cell phone?”
I shrugged and grabbed our coats. “I think he thinks they’re somehow immoral. I love him and all, but he’s a bit stuck in the past.”
“Ya think?”
“Kiss my ass.” I couldn’t help but grin, despite the situation. It was so damned good to be speaking with Steve again. We left the hotel, taking the bus back to our apartment. The entire time we joked and laughed, which helped hold off the worry that something was very wrong. I tried to shake it off, telling myself that I was being crazy. My life had been nothing but a series of insane events since the fall, so it was a little hard to ignore the churning in my gut. I was about ready to pull out my hair until I was as bald as my lover.
The elevator creaked and grumbled as we took it up to our floor. I hadn’t ever paid it any attention, but after a week of living the good life, it was much more noticeable. As we stepped out, I remembered Kayla and smacked my hand against my forehead. “I’m an idiot.”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Steve shot back as he took out his keys. “Why this time?”
I shoved him. “I just remembered I invited Kayla over and there’s no one there. She’s gonna be hot. I’d better call her.”
“You do that,” Steve replied, opening our door. His face lit up and then he scowled. “Tony! What the fuck, man!”
My heart leapt as I peered over Steve’s shoulder. Tony sat on the couch, remote in one hand and a beer in the other, and all thoughts of calling Kayla left my head. The scene was so familiar, I laughed. I knew it. I was just being paranoid, that’s all. I pushed past Steve and darted in, tackling Tony to the floor. “You freaking moron.” Oh damn, it was so good to see him.
Tony tried to fend us off as I put him in a headlock and Steve joined in and we gave him a couple of good hits just because.
“Wait, wait, guys,” Tony protested, elbowing me in my stomach as he tried to squirm his way out. “I’m sorry, but damn, guys, if you’d seen her.”
Steve made a sound of disgust and I clambered off him, shaking my head. “I knew it. A girl,” I said, heading toward the kitchen to grab us all a beer.
When I returned Steve was still scowling, but he’d let off on pummeling Tony. I handed one to him and another to Tony, since his had spilled during the little brawl. “She had better have been the hottest piece of tail you ever had because I’ve had to put up with Mr. Mother Hen all day.”
“Fuck you, Jake.” Steve chucked a pillow at my head, before popping the top on his beer and making himself comfortable on the chair. “I swear, Tony, if you ever pull something like that again, I’m gonna kill you. It’s bad enough that I have to put up with crazy shit from Jake… I’m not doing it with you too.”
IT BOTHERED me that Jacob’s friend was missing. I didn’t want to alarm him so I kept my misgivings to myself. It would be an easy enough matter to track Tony down. I just hoped it was happenstance, because I didn’t want to be the one to tell Jacob something happened to his friend because of my enemies. If that boy was hurt I was going to bring a war to Rome that rivaled anything it had seen in the past.
I had started at their apartment. The place had been dark and shabby as always. I knew my overprotective nature drove Jacob crazy at times, but I wanted to give him everything. The lovers I’d had in the past had enjoyed being spoiled. It was rather ironic I lost my heart to the most independent, stubborn man I’d ever met.
There hadn’t been much to find in Tony’s room or anywhere else in the apartment. There was no sign of a struggle, no scent of Tony’s blood. At least when I had fed from him it now served some purpose other than alienating Jacob from his friends. It would be much easier to track. Everything seemed normal in their apartment except for the instinct I just couldn’t shake off.
I had called Mr. Ussier and borne his teasing, but it had paid off. One of his men was going to watch the place from a distance until I returned. Maybe I was being overcautious. I didn’t care. I’d learned the hard way to trust my instincts. And if Jacob was going to be there I was going to be damned certain someone was watching his back if I wasn’t.
The apartment was a confusion of scents, some old and some new. The only thing I knew for certain was that Tony had not been there in the past couple of days. I started heading toward the campus, checking out likely spots where students gathered, searching for a more recent sign of him. I kept a light contact with Jacob as he bantered with his friend. Despite his worry he seemed much happier than he had been since his blowup with Steve, for which I was grateful.
Pittsburgh was a rabbit warren of streets and buildings squeezed on a spit of land between the rivers. Old steel mills sagged, rusted and forgotten on the outskirts, and warehouses and piers crowded the waters. Forbes Avenue cut through the heart of the city, dissecting Pitt’s and Carnegie’s campuses, and many of the establishments in the area catered to the college crowd. The weather was slowly warming during the day, but the chill returned with the setting sun and despite the cold, the streets were crowded with kids laughing and going about their business.
I hadn’t been searching long when Jacob’s sudden elation alerted me. “What is it?” I had to wait until he calmed down enough to notice my question. I sensed a confused babble of voices and a scuffle, but it seemed friendly so I stifled my impatience.
“Sorry.” Jacob was laughing. “You don’t have to worry about it anymore. Tony’s here; he’s been shacking up with some girl.”
I frowned, hackles rising. There was no suspicion in Jacob’s mind, however. He was distracted, carrying on and talking with his friends. In his mind relief was prominent, mixed with a bit of irritation. “Is it like him to leave no word? Or to not contact you? Does he seem different at all?”
“Relax, love. He seems fine to me. We’re not each others’ keeper, after all.”
I opted to keep my concerns to myself and check in on them surreptitiously. There was no need to alarm Jacob, especially if I was being paranoid. “Are you coming back soon?”
“Not right away. I just want to hang out for a bit.” He gave me a mental caress and then returned to his conversation, his mind drawing away to a peripheral awareness.
I couldn’t blame him. It had been some time since he’d spent time with his friends, without stress hanging over him. Still, I was a trifle jealous, or maybe it was just worry. I turned and started backtracking toward the apartment. It wouldn’t hurt to check on Tony’s story.
I snuck up the fire escape, masking my mind from Jacob so he wouldn’t feel the need to get defensive over his friends, and peered in through the living room window. It was much harder to spy this way, and I missed using my abilities to alter my form. I didn’t dare try it now, not after I had lost control and had been trapped. All my abilities were suspect now.
Immediately, my eyes zeroed in on Jacob’s face. He was laughing and gesturing as he spoke, and I felt the familiar flush of warmth I always did when I looked at him.
I forced my attention to Tony before I alerted my lover. Jacob had a way of knowing when I was watching him. It was an instinct he picked up on quicker than I would’ve believed possible.
Tony didn’t seem to be any different from before. It was difficult to tell. I did not know him well. I watched them for a few moments, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, then eased back out of sight. I nodded to Mr. Ussier’s man keeping watch on the other rooftop. He would do for now while I continued to hunt.
I went around to the main entrance and picked up Tony’s scent again, my instincts heightening. It was different, changed somehow, though I couldn’t tell exactly what was different. I started to follow it down the street, more determined now to check up on his story, but ended up losing it a couple of blocks away. He must’ve come here by car, but why not go all the way to his apartment?
The fine hairs on the back of my neck stirred; my nostrils stung. I wanted to go to the apartment and snatch Jacob out of harm’s way. Hadn’t I alienated him from his friends enough? Besides, Jacob’s reaction would not be pleasant indeed. I could start stalking through the streets of the city to see where he left from, but that would take all night and leave Jacob alone in Tony’s presence the entire time. Slowly I turned back toward their apartment building. I would have Tony followed if he left alone again; that is, if Mr. Ussier would be interested in granting me yet another favor.
As I walked back up the hill, the concrete walls of the city began to waver, a rippling effect that spread out in concentric circles all around me. I stopped, looking around in confusion.
The buildings changed. They were grimmer, streaked with a heavy patina of soot, smog thick in the air. I turned around in a slow circle, the sounds of traffic gone, except for the occasional rattle of carriage wheels on stone, the clip-clop of horse’s hooves. In the distance I could hear the deep tone of horns on the river, the rumble of factories working.
“What the…?” I said, staring at the city as it was when I first arrived in Pittsburgh.
Thoughts of Jacob and Tony fled my mind as I crept down the hill again. There were a few people about, but if they noticed me in my strange garb they gave no indication.
The world rippled again.
I was surrounded by screaming warriors. Torchlight flickered over their nude bodies, covered in blue paint and tattoos. My mind spun as I heard my birth tongue, long since dead all these centuries. Then I was one of them again, human and wondering why I was weaponless. As I leaned down to wrest a weapon from a dead enemy’s hand another ripple hit me.
Again and again, I flitted through different places and times in my life. Each time I lost myself entirely in the moment, forgetting everything that came after. Eventually I found myself high up on a balcony overlooking the ancient city of Rome. Torches flared in the streets below, the sounds of carousing drifting up. A woman stood at the rail and her face sparked something deep in my memory as she turned to offer me her hand.
“Mistress?” Confusion filled me. This wasn’t right. She was dead. Then the confusion disappeared.
“Kristair,” she acknowledged with a wry expression on her face. “Why do you always have to do things the difficult way?”
I shrugged my shoulders and she let her hand drop when I didn’t take it. I went and joined her at the railing and looked over the city, my mouth twisting in distaste. Rome would never change. “It is who I am, Mistress.”
“All those answers you’ve been searching for are there for the taking, my old friend. You just have to let go of this silly, stubborn resistance of yours.” She laughed softly. “Remember how much you fought me when I first changed you? And it was all for naught. This is no different.”
“What of the cost?” I turned and met her gaze, my mind and emotions curiously abstract. “There is always a cost.”
“True. Every birth has its own pain and this is no different. However, it is just as inevitable. You’re only prolonging your pain and confusion by clinging.” An admiring smile lit her delicate features. For a moment, she reminded me of another I should know but couldn’t bring to mind.
“Though I have to admit, some of the steps you’ve taken to avoid your fate are quite ingenious. I hadn’t realized your people’s mysticism was so potent. The presence of the boy has certainly changed things.”
What she said made sense, yet I could not stop my mind from struggling. Who was the boy? Something wasn’t right, something was different. In all the other places I’d visited, no one had even known I was there, much less spoken to me. It was as if I were a ghost wandering among men.
My Mistress smiled and touched my cheek in an old fond gesture. “Oh Kristair, you’re such a child. You still have so much to learn.” She turned, gesturing with her hand, and the world changed in another rippling wave. We stood on nothingness, myriad stars twinkling all around us, above and below. My mind spun from the enormity surrounding me.
“Where are we?” What’s happening to me?” I asked, my voice harsh. On the horizon, a breaking wave of whispering voices rushed toward us, intent on consuming me.
“I cannot tell you.” My Mistress turned her back on the oncoming wave, heedless of its danger. “You will discover it for yourself when you let go. Let go, Kristair. Join us.” She held out her hand again, her gaze compelling.
“Kristair! Kristair!” Another voice called me urgently from inside my mind. A man I didn’t recognize, but hearing him made my chest ache in a manner I didn’t understand. Instinctively, I turned to search for the newcomer, even as the wave crested higher, soaring above me, ready to crash down and obliterate any trace of me.
I was yanked away as the wave engulfed my Mistress, drowning her in a sea of roaring voices and minds. I shouted, reaching out toward her, before I was dragged away again. I landed hard, concrete digging into my hands and knees.
“Kristair?” Jacob’s voice was sharp with terror. I lifted my head weakly, looking around at the unrecognizable city around me. I was in the middle of the street; a car honked and zoomed around me. I shook my head. It couldn’t be right. I struggled to my feet as Jacob screamed my name again. “Where are you? I can’t find you.”
“Jacob?” I staggered over to the sidewalk, clutching my head. “How’s Tony? Where is he?” That was important somehow. Why couldn’t I remember?
“Jesus Christ, forget about Tony. I’m on my way. Don’t move.”
I frowned. Where did he think I was going to go? I leaned heavily against a building, my muscles going slack and threatening to give out on me altogether. There were warehouses all around me. Last I remembered I was standing outside of his apartment. How did I get all the way over here? “I’m near the docks.”
“I know, love. I’ll be there in fifteen, twenty minutes tops. Just don’t do anything.”
Jacob was bossy. I wondered if he realized how bad that side of his personality was. I was hungry, the need for blood clawing my insides. I should wait until Jacob caught up with me. It wasn’t that long, but my heightened senses picked up the sound of furtive footsteps down the street. I turned in the direction, my usual discipline gone. My prey was halfway down the block, a man by his size and shape. He looked over his shoulder at me as I started after him and he quickened his step.
Jacob was nattering, saying something in an urgent tone as I closed the distance between myself and my handy victim. I was close enough that I could smell my prey’s anger and growing fear. “What is it?” I asked, my mind alert with dreadful intensity.
“Stay focused, okay? I’m not that far away.” Jacob simmered with jealousy and possessiveness.
The hot taste of disappointment filled my mouth as my victim began to run and disappeared around the corner into the maze of buildings and alleys. It would be a simple matter to overtake him, but it would hurt Jacob’s feelings. “I hope you’re happy,” I snapped, feeling strangely peevish.
“Keep your pants on.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say that.” I leaned against a broken streetlamp, studying the derelict buildings. Why was I waiting? It would be quicker for me to meet him. “Jacob….” I began, and then broke off as the whispering started again on the edge of my consciousness. Abruptly, I remembered everything that had happened… but it couldn’t have. I couldn’t have been to all of those places. I was losing my sanity. It was the only thing that made sense.
“Let go.” My head jerked up at the whisper, fear shooting down my spine. I stood transfixed, staring at the rippling ring moving through the ground, zeroing in on me. Not again….
“What ?” Jacob’s voice was sharp.
“You’d better hurry, mo chroí,” I managed to say before the ring reached me and the city melted away again.
I SWORE viciously as Kristair’s mind left mine again, our connection stretching to a breaking point. I had a vague impression of rolling fields and a horse before the image disappeared. The cab driver’s brows furrowed at he darted a quick glance at me through the rearview mirror. I snarled. “Hurry up, damn it. I’m losing him.”
I’m sure I must’ve looked like I was criminally insane, sitting in the back, muttering to myself, and constantly telling the driver to change direction. I gnawed at my thumbnail and scanned the streets on either side. Would he even be there anymore when I arrived?
I always knew where Kristair was. I could close my eyes and point to him without peeking. I could follow him as if there was a glowing path lighting my way. Now, I was stumbling in the dark. Kristair was out there somewhere, being attacked or hurt, and I had not one fucking clue where to find him if he had wandered away in the past two minutes.
We reached the docks and confusing jumble of warehouses. I pressed my face to the glass, searching the littered sidewalks and shadowed alleys. We were so close. I could tell that much now, but Kristair was as unreachable as a rich southern belle. If I could just speak with him again, make the connection, I’d have him. I just needed one moment when he was close.
“Kristair? Kristair?” I tried reaching out my mind the way I had before, steeling myself in case he didn’t recognize me again. Oh god, that had hurt. It still ached. His mind was busy, focused on a battle going on around him. My trespassing rattled him and the strange scene winked out of sight. Our connection came back, just as strong as it was before, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t that far, maybe a couple of blocks away.
“Turn here,” I snapped, pointing to a side street we were getting ready to pass. “Here! Here!” The driver spun the wheel and with a squeal of tires we turned, the tire riding up on the sidewalk. “Keep going. On the third street make a right.” The driver nodded, his hands white-knuckled on the wheels.
“I wish it would end,” Kristair said irritably, and I had the impression he was clutching his head in his hands.
“I’m almost there.” Hell if I knew what I could do to help him, but saying it made me feel better. I caught sight of a figure huddled in a recessed doorway, rocking back and forth. Oh god, Kristair.
“Stop! Stop!” I was opening the door even as the cab driver screeched to a halt cursing at me.
“Don’t leave. I’ll pay you double,” I shouted back at him, leaving the door wide open. We’d never find another cab in this district at this time of night. I ran over to Kristair, hunching down next to him and taking his shoulders. “Kristair, look at me.”
He lifted his head and looked past me, his eyes unfocused. “Who are you?” He frowned, bringing up his hands to shove me away, and then his expression changed to one of fear as his gaze sharpened. “Jacob?”
“It’s me, love,” I said softly, taking his hands and guiding him to his feet. “Let’s get you back to the hotel.” I helped him toward the cab, his gait stumbling as he dug in his heels.
“I can’t… I can’t,” Kristair mumbled, pulling back. “I have to go.” He looked over his shoulder. “Damn. Here it comes again.”
I glanced back as well and couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. His eyes were fixated on something, though, and that was enough to make me believe. I tugged on him harder. The cab was only a few feet away. He staggered after me. Then he stiffened in my grip and his body started to melt away. I stared at him in horror, frozen until my hands fell through him.
“KRISTAIR!” I screamed mentally and out loud, the sound ringing down the street. He became solid again, slumping into my arms. I shoved him into the cab and scrambled in after him, slamming the door behind us, my heart beating impossibly fast. The cabbie was staring at us wide-eyed as I gathered Kristair closer. “Take us back downtown.”
The driver hesitated and then spun the wheel around and headed out. I smoothed my fingers over Kristair’s scalp, pressing my forehead against his temple, and savored the renewal of our connection. Kristair still wasn’t himself. I could sense my lover’s skittering thoughts, his confusion, but at least he wasn’t babbling nonsense anymore or disappearing in and out.
After a moment I pulled back and began digging through Kristair’s pockets until I found his wallet. I pulled out a couple of twenties and tossed them in the front seat. “Get us there quick.”
The driver didn’t respond, keeping his eyes on the road as I sat back again. “Kristair? Love?” I tapped his cheek gently, searching for some response. He muttered and turned into me, burying his face against my neck. I tensed, half-expecting him to start feeding right then and there, but he didn’t.
Thank god for small favors. I think that would’ve been more than the cabbie could’ve taken, and I didn’t want to find us unceremoniously dumped on the side of the street or have the driver abandon us and take off down the sidewalk screaming his lungs out.
I stroked my hand down Kristair’s back, cold chills running through me when I thought I felt his form waver again. I started talking a rambling monologue in his mind, trying to keep him focused on me. Oh god, what were we gonna do? Things were getting worse, very quickly. The thought of the strong, quiet man I loved turning into a babbling idiot or fading into a ghost was too terrifying to contemplate.
I held onto him tighter, as if by doing so I could somehow keep him by my side.
The cab sped through town and finally pulled up in front of the hotel. The maître d’, or whatever the hell he was called, came out to open the door for us. I eased Kristair out, and then glanced at the cab driver. “Thanks, man.” I’m sure he was grateful to be rid of me while he was still in one piece.
“Do you need me to call the hotel doctor, sir? Or would you like an ambulance?”
I waved away the hovering hotel guy and slung Kristair’s arm around my shoulder. “He’s fine. I’ll just get him up to his room.” We probably looked a sight. I’m sure I wasn’t the poster boy for the hotel’s ideal patron. Kristair usually looked the part, but now he looked drunk.
We got into the elevator with nothing more than a few strange looks. At least no one stopped us and demanded an explanation, or threatened to kick us out. “We’re almost there, love. Then you can feed all you want.”
I wasn’t sure if blood really helped his condition or not, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. Kristair was a little steadier as we exited the elevator and went down the hall though his eyes were still unfocused.
Kayla looked up as we came through the door. I stared at her in surprise as I half-carried Kristair to the couch. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Oh fuck, yeah. I had asked her to come over and then forgot all about her.
“Kris!” Kayla ran over, cupping her hands around his face. “What happened to him?”
“I don’t know.”
I brought my wrist to his lips, but he just turned his head away. “Come on, Kristair, you were all hot to jump that guy. I know you’re hungry.” He turned his head away again. What was going on? I figured instinct would have taken over.
“I think it’s what happened to that lady in your journals. Some really weird things have been going on lately.” Quickly, I explained what happened to him the other night and what I had seen when I had found him down by the docks. “I don’t know. I think he’s losing his grip.”
Briefly she shut her eyes, and then gave me a light push. “Go get a knife. Maybe if he smells your blood he’ll latch on.”
I shivered at the thought of cutting myself. I once saw a guy who’d slashed his wrists committing suicide. The picture had never left my mind. I swallowed my argument, though, and went over to the kitchenette and brought back the small knife for cutting limes.
Kayla was biting her lower lip, cradling Kristair’s face. She kept calling his name in a low, urgent voice. Kristair was out of it, muttering to himself in a language I didn’t recognize. I sank down on the couch next to him, my hands trembling.
Kristair’s eyes focused on Kayla’s face and I breathed a sigh of relief. His expression was troubled and he seemed to shrink back into the cushions. “Mistress?” His dark eyes widened. “No… I’m not ready yet.”
My mouth fell open and I looked at Kayla. Her face had gone white and she shook her head mutely, pressing her hand to her lips.
Okay, this had gone on long enough. Now Kristair was mistaking us for people in his past. I didn’t want to know who he would he take me for. If it was one of his former lovers I’d be seriously pissed. I set the knife against my wrist and squeezed my eyes shut.
Kayla seized my hands, made an exasperated sound, and took the knife from me. “I don’t want you to slash your wrists, for crying out loud. You’re going to hurt yourself.” She nicked the end of my finger and a drop of blood welled. “Brush it against his lips,” she ordered. “He’ll take care of it from there.”
Kayla headed into the kitchenette. I smeared my blood on his lower lip, watching breathlessly as he drew it into his mouth. God, please let this work.
Hunger struck him, monstrous and terrible. It was so vast. It had never been like this. I drew back as his eyes lit on me and my gut froze. His hands caught me, hard as steel, his eyes predatory.
“Kristair, it’s okay.” I didn’t know who I was trying to reassure—me or him. My heart thundered as he jerked me into his arms. His hand pulled my hair back, his arm pinned my arms to my sides. I cried out and closed my eyes, trying hard to control my fear. Then he bit me. It was such a familiar sensation, pain mixed with pleasure. I concentrated on that and his scent, and my panic began to ease. This was Kristair. He wouldn’t hurt me.
“Come back to me, love.” Mentally I stroked my hands over him. “I won’t leave you again.” The thought petrified me. Everything went wrong when we were apart. I don’t know how my presence stopped whatever it was happening to him, but it certainly never started when we were together.
Sense was beginning to return to his mind. Kristair’s thoughts became less disjointed and he focused on me in his arms and the taste of my blood in his mouth. His arm loosened around me and I pulled him closer, brushing my fingers over the nape of his neck. “I love you.”
He lifted his head and met my gaze. His eyes were dull but aware, and blood stained his lips. He pressed his forehead against mine, terrible sadness in his dark eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hush. It’s not your fault.” I kissed him and drew him close again, selfishly keeping him with only me for a few minutes. “We’ll figure it out together. Somehow we’ll fix it.”
Kristair didn’t respond. Deep doubt clouded his mind. I gathered him closer, clinging to him. Ever since I met him, time had sped up and no matter what I did to make it slow down it only moved faster.
Kayla was still nearby and she was just as worried as me so I forced myself to pull away. “Kayla is here.”
Kristair’s head popped up. I sensed his dismay, though I wasn’t sure if it was because she was seeing him like this or because he hadn’t realized she was here in the first place. “Kayla?”
She turned away from the window, her pixie face drawn. “Jesus, Kris, you scared me.”
He held out his hand. “Come here, little one.”
Kristair was never comfortable with strong emotions, especially his own, and he was unsettled now. I rose from the couch to give them some privacy.
I didn’t know what to do. Damn, I wanted to help him but I was useless and lost. Maybe if the three of us put our heads together or, I don’t know… something.
I opened the fridge and grabbed two beers. I needed something to steel my nerves. I walked back to the couch and handed her one. She took a sip, her nose wrinkling in distaste, but she didn’t give it back.
Kristair met my eyes as I sat back down. Oh, I hated that expression, fury and fear hitting me. “Don’t you fucking even think about giving up.”
“I wasn’t considering it,” he responded mildly, running a hand over his scalp. “Tell me everything, Jacob, down to the tiniest detail you can remember. Maybe that will help us pin down another avenue we can try.”
I nodded, eyeing Kayla on Kristair’s lap, her head nestled on his shoulder in a childlike way. Okay, I was a little jealous. I wanted to be close to him too, but I held my tongue. I had taken most of Kristair’s time in the past several months. If I was her I’d be pretty jealous of me. I sighed and took Kristair’s hand, smiling faintly as he linked our fingers together.
“Well, I was hanging with the guys when I first began to suspect something was up,” I started, leaning my head on Kristair’s other shoulder.
“The connection got thin, like it does sometimes when you’re asleep, but I knew you weren’t….” I continued with my story, Kayla and Kristair listening intently to every word. We would find a way to help him. I was determined. I glanced over at Kayla and saw the same flinty unwavering resolve in her eyes. That made me feel better. I wasn’t alone.
I LISTENED to Jacob’s tale with half my attention. Kayla kept interrupting with questions, which helped to distract them both. I wrapped my arm around Jacob’s shoulders and pulled him closer. My Mistress’s journals had left out this aspect of the transformation. Maybe she didn’t want others to think she was going insane. I wasn’t entirely sure myself. How did one know if they were losing their mind? Or maybe she hadn’t been as stubborn as I was being.
None of my schemes were working. It may have slowed the process down some but it hadn’t stopped it. If I hadn’t done the ritual when I had, I would’ve disappeared weeks ago at the very least. Despite what I had said to Jacob, I knew now we weren’t going to be able to reverse the symptoms. I could feel it in my bones. Whatever this was it was changing every part of me. I could feel it in my physical form, in my mind. It was starting to permeate everything I said or did.
At first I had only heard the whispering as I was falling asleep or awakening. Then it came whenever I changed form. Now it seemed to have little rhyme or reason when it struck. And the visions. I shuddered as I remembered how I had been drifting without conscious volition in and out of the past. What was really odd was that I’d expect to visit specific moments in my history, significant events that shaped me, but that wasn’t always the case. I’d drop in on a period of time that was known to me, but the specific events were new. Did that mean anything?
One thing was for certain. I didn’t believe it was a death anymore, or really that I was going insane. I still believed it was just as permanent, though, and that it would be a goodbye. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to be ready. Twenty years ago I might’ve looked on it as a learning experience, but now I merely wanted to stay with my makeshift family.
When Jacob finally stopped his tale, he lifted his head from my shoulder. “Tell me this gives you some ideas,” he said, trying to smile though the urgency in his voice.
I shook my head, hating the way hope died in his eyes. “I need to look in my Mistress’s journals. She catalogued everything that happened to her. She was a pedagogue at heart, and couldn’t resist setting everything down.” Maybe she had put something in them referencing this new development, though I didn’t remember. Really though, it would give Jacob something to do, and I suspected he would feel better for having a plan.
Kayla frowned and I shook my head at her minutely. She pressed her lips together and didn’t say anything.
Jacob’s face brightened and he sat up. “Where are they?” He looked at Kayla. “Didn’t you say you had them?”
“No, I gave them back to Kris. Are they still in the special collection or did you have them moved after the explosion?”
“They’re still there. They’d be safer there than anywhere else since only you and I can get in.” I brushed my lips against Jacob’s temple. “Why don’t you go fetch them for us? Then we can look them over.” I was half-afraid he’d protest, but he merely looked at Kayla, and then nodded.
I gave him the combination and told him where he would be able to find them. They were among the first pieces I had located in the mess and safely returned to their niche. He hesitated as he arose, his need to do something warring with his desire to stay with me.
“Are you sure, Kristair? Maybe….” He stopped, pressing his lips together. “I’ll be back soon.”
“I’ll be right here.”
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll be.” He grabbed his coat and looked at me one last time, reluctance written in every line of his body. “I love you.”
I smiled and a rush of painful poignancy stung my throat. “I love you too, mo chroí.” I think that was the first time I’d said it so plainly. Jacob smiled back and then left, heading toward the elevator at a run. I disguised my emotions and met Kayla’s eyes. Her expression was suspicious, though I could tell my confession to Jacob had touched her. Women were overcome by such sentimentality, and Kayla was terrible about it.
I touched her cheek, tucking a strand of hair out of her eyes. It was hard to believe she had been a part of my life for seven years. When she had arrived, she had been a skinny little waif, and now she was… I shook my head. Who was getting sentimental now?
“What gives? There’s nothing in Nerissa’s journals that describes what Jake was talking about. You and I have been over them a hundred times. Do you have an idea?”
“No, Kayla.” I hesitated. How did I tell her that it was time to accept the truth?
Her face grew flinty. “Don’t say it, Kris.”
“I’m not giving up, but we have to be realistic.” I took her hands in mine; they were so cold. They always got that way when she was very upset.
“I don’t want to be realistic,” she said, her voice quavering, tears filling her dark blue eyes. “Damn it, Father, I don’t want you to leave.”
I smiled. She hadn’t called me that since she started working in my office. I drew her close, my own eyes stinging. “I promise you, little one, just like I promised Jacob and I meant it, I’m not giving up.” I was coming to realize the futility of my struggle and I wanted in some way to prepare them.
“Do me a favor.” I waited until she met my eyes again, tears spiking her lashes. “If something happens—”
“Nothing’s going to happen!” she cried. “I won’t let it.”
“Hush Kayla, listen to me.” I held her close again, stroking her long hair like I used to when she would wake up from a nightmare. When she calmed down some I started again, my voice quiet and firm. “If something should happen….” She let out a soft sound of distress. “I want you and Jacob to look after each other.” They both were too headstrong and independent for their own good, but I knew they would protect the other fiercely if I asked them. Maybe somehow they could manage to keep each other out of trouble.
“God damn it, that’s not fair.” She pounded one fist against my shoulder and glared at me. “If I promise then it’s like admitting I think you’re leaving, and I won’t do it.”
“Now you’re just being stubborn.” I was experiencing the same pain she was. At first, I had resented the burden she laid on me when she exploded into my life, but now I was very grateful for every unquiet moment. “It would ease this old man’s mind if you did.”
I held her eyes, my gaze implacable, and refused to let her look away. Tears streamed down her cheeks and then she drew in a long, shuddering breath. “Fine, I’ll keep an eye on Jake. Not because you’re going anywhere; just because he seems like he causes more trouble than he’s worth.”
I chuckled. “No, he’s worth it, every last moment. Just as you are worth the trouble you’ve caused.”
Kayla’s eyes grew indignant and she punched my shoulder again. As I had hoped, her tears stopped. “I am not trouble!”
“Oh, I beg to differ. If I were still human you would’ve given me gray hair a long time ago.” It was good to sit here and banter with her again, even if it was laced with a painful edge. I loved her, as deeply as if she were a child born to me.
“That’s not funny. Besides, you’re as bald as a baby’s butt.”
“Yes, it is funny.” I tweaked the end of her nose, smiling as she batted my hand away. “I’ve missed you.”
“Well if you weren’t so busy with your boy toy I might come around more,” she said crossly, then relented as my brows lifted. “I’m not jealous, not really. I always thought you shouldn’t be alone. It’s just that… now… with everything that’s going on….” Her face grew distressed again.
I shook my head, regretting again the precious little time I had. I didn’t know what to say to her. “Kayla….”
“Don’t. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You love him.” An impish smile crossed her lips. “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that? Now I have an opportunity for total mockage.”
“You’re incorrigible.” I tugged her close and she rested her head on my shoulder. There were so many things I wanted to say. I didn’t know how so I remained silent and rocked her. Of all the people I had known in my life and all those that I had let in, Kayla and Jacob were the most precious to me. It was ironic that I found them in the twilight of my existence. Or, maybe it was because my time was so limited that I finally allowed someone to knock down my walls. I smiled a bittersweet smile. Kayla and Jacob were very good at destroying the barriers I hid behind. Each one lived and loved to the fullest and expected no less in return.
Kayla wept in my arms, something she never did. She clung to me as if her heart were breaking, her tears dampening my shirt. I ached to comfort her. I wanted to gather her and Jacob close and never let them go.
My mind brushed across his, needing the reminder of our connection. Right now I couldn’t bear there being any distance between us, and he felt the same way. It was almost as if we were together in the same room. Almost, but not quite. Still we shared something special. No matter how far away he was physically we were never alone as long as our minds and emotions were linked.
My mind meandered through his, examining his thoughts, his feelings, all the hopes and dreams he had stored in that complex psyche of his. For once, he didn’t chastise me or poke back at me. He seemed to sense I needed it somehow. Ahhh, my Jacob. He was so beautiful, more so in the way he felt and lived, his loyalty than his outward appearance.
He was focused now, intent on getting those books and finding a cure for me no matter what it took. If anybody could achieve the impossible it was him. Gently, I disengaged our deep connection and retreated, still leaving our minds linked on a lighter level so as not to alarm him.
Kayla’s tears had subsided and I pressed my lips to the top of her head. She would go far one day. I had no doubt. She had all of her ancestress’s intelligence and fire. I had never known anyone with such an indomitable will as my Mistress’s had been. Kayla was like her in many ways, though she was far more agreeable to be around.
“There are a couple of other things I would like you to see to,” I said gently when I thought she was ready. Oh, I hadn’t imagined this hurting so bad, yet then I had never allowed myself to believe it would really happen at all.
“Kris, you’re too fucking practical,” Kayla said, her voice catching.
“Someone has to be, and I certainly know it’s not going to be either you or Jacob.”
She glared at me. “Don’t you feel anything, damn it?! How can you sit there so cold when you’re talking about orphaning me?”
“Is that what you think? That I don’t feel anything?” I framed her face between my hands, the force of my emotions erupting from me. Carefully, I blocked them from Jacob, but I couldn’t hold them back from her anymore. “I can’t stop it. Each night it gets worse. What if you or Jacob get hurt because I cannot control myself anymore?”
I trembled, unable to stop the words flooding from me. She was crying again, her eyes huge on my face. “I don’t care!” she shouted. “Don’t stop fighting. Don’t be such a fucking coward, Father!”
“I’m NOT, little one. I’m not. I just….” I shut up. She didn’t want to hear me tell her I wanted her to be prepared. All she wanted was for me to tell her everything was going to be all right as I used to do in the middle of the night. I sighed and leaned my head against hers, my chest aching, my eyes stinging.
“I love you, though you make me crazy. I won’t stop searching, I promise. Do you believe me?”
She searched my face and then nodded. “No more talk of what I should do if something happens to you?”
I sighed. She was just as stubborn as ever. “I promise.” I would leave a letter with Mr. Ussier for the both of them, just in case, though neither was likely to appreciate it. It would make me feel better to know that I had a few things in place the way I wanted them. Neither Kayla nor Jacob would ever want for anything, though I doubted they would see it that way. Knowing Jacob, he just might refuse it out of hand.
“Good. Now I’m going to stay here until Jake returns and then I’m going to give you some alone time with him. I know you have no intention of reading those damned journals.”
“How well you know me,” I said softly, staring down at my hand on the couch.
“I should, after all this time.” She leaned her cheek against mine. “Would you sing me a song?”
“You can’t be serious? I can’t sing.”
“I know. You sound god-awful, but I want to hear it just the same.”
I’d never understand her. I don’t care if I lived for another thousand years. However, I couldn’t ignore this request. I wracked my mind, searching for a suitable song. I remembered one from before I was taken from my own home and brought on this strange journey that led me to her and Jacob. I started singing and she relaxed in my arms, the tension leeching away from her body. I held her tighter, singing without conscious thought as I stared spellbound at my hand. Despair filled me as it seemed to fade, the couch showing clearly through my flesh.