I GROANED. Kristair’s mouth was feverish on my throat and I arched my neck to give him better access. My hands tightened on his shoulders in anticipation of him biting me.
“Please, love….” I couldn’t begin to say how much I needed him to feed off of me, to renew our connection.
Kristair’s hands were greedy on my skin, touching me everywhere with frantic haste. His cock throbbed against mine and my breath skittered. My heart skipped a beat. “Dammit, Kristair,” I whined, digging my nails into his skin as his mouth continued to torment my throat. His lips and teeth nipped and sucked, but not hard enough to do anything but tease.
I cupped his face in my hands. My fingers caressed his scalp and then I lifted his head. Kristair’s eyes were dark and unreadable as he met my gaze. It reminded me so much of how he seemed to me before our minds had mated. His expression was unreadable, his emotions locked away from me as unfathomable and enigmatic as he’d once been.
“Kristair, talk to me,” I whispered, brushing my thumbs across his cheekbones. His eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into my touch, his lashes sooty long arcs against his cheek. His continued silence was starting to worry me. “What is it?”
He turned his head, pressing a kiss to my palm. His lips slid farther down, his tongue tracing, almost tickling, along the thin blue veins of my wrist. My breath caught as I saw the suggestion of fangs peeking out from the bottom of his lip. Oh god, please.
Kristair glanced at me, his teeth nipping at my wrist hard, though not enough to break the skin. Hot tears stung my eyes. They spilled over, tracking down my face, and he kissed them away before kissing me. I tasted the wet salt on his lips as he rolled us over and wrapped his legs around my waist. He arched up against me in silent invitation. I could almost hear him in my mind, whispering for me to penetrate him, but it was a ghost of a sound, barely realized.
I woke up with a gasp, the sheets tangled in a knot around my sweaty body.
I turned, my arm reaching out to sling around Kristair and drag him to me, even as my mind screamed, reminding me he was gone. I sat up slowly, raking a hand through my hair and fisting it tight. I tugged on it hard until my scalp stung.
Drawing my knees up, I dropped my forehead against them so I wouldn’t see the empty bed. I pressed the knuckles of my other hand against my lips to keep myself from making all those wounded sounds that begged to be released.
I could still feel Kristair in so many ways. All the knowledge he gathered was mine now. His memories and experiences were a part of my mind and they sometimes tricked me into thinking he was talking to me. But his emotions and thoughts were silenced. Forever. It was almost worse than not having him at all. I often found myself on the verge of telling him something that came to me or asking him a question, only to realize when he didn’t answer that he was gone.
Kristair haunted my dreams at night as much as he occupied my thoughts during the day. He had been gone for weeks now, yet his silent presence followed me about as doggedly as he had when he’d hounded me last fall before I’d given in to him. Months that were wasted now. It hurt to breathe, to think, to do anything. I was a damn zombie going through the motions.
When I trusted myself to not break down, I rose from my bed. My body ached from the constant heavy tension I carried around. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, trying to shake off the cobwebs of my dream. I could almost taste him on my lips, feel the ghost of his touch on my fevered body.
I went back into my bedroom and climbed up into the windowsill. Wrapping my arms around my knees, I leaned my cheek against the cool pane, closed my eyes, and sighed. I pictured Kristair outside watching me as he had for so many nights. My fingertips brushed the glass. “I miss you so damned much.”
We had only been a couple for a few short months. He should’ve been easy to put behind me, but so much happened in that time. And even if nothing had happened and we’d had a normal, quiet relationship, if the Syndicate hadn’t been fucking with us, or we hadn’t been wrapped up in Kristair’s illness, or I hadn’t lost one of my best friends; even if it had been calm and sane I still wouldn’t have been able to let go.
Kristair knew me more intimately than anyone ever could. We had been a part of each other, mind and soul, shared everything, good and bad, for months. He had ruined me for anybody else. No other relationship would ever be able to compete with the one I had with him. Even if I was willing to open myself up to someone else, which I wasn’t.
I was alone. Gnawing, aching, empty, alone.
Kayla and Steve tried to fill up the spaces. Their efforts were wasted and I felt guilty about that too. Kayla was also grieving for the man she considered a father, and I couldn’t be there for her right now. Besides, Steve had to be far more comforting to her right now than me.
Spring practice was going to start soon. I opened my eyes again and stared blindly down onto the street below. It seemed unreal. I couldn’t imagine doing running and passing drills when everything else in my life had crumbled into dust. The fall was supposed to be the start of my greatest year. It would be my senior year. My last chance to make a good impression for the scouts. At one point in time, I had been more than ready for it.
Now I was lost. At times, I was consumed with rage, toward Tony for betraying us, the Syndicate for being such manipulative bastards in the first place, and most often toward Kristair for giving up and leaving me behind. I felt it start to build up now just thinking about it.
I gritted my teeth, my hands clenching into fists as I tried to force it all back down again. I smiled a half-smile, a feral smile. I had become a pro at it by now. When the frenzy dissipated again, I was left shaking and drained, with a throbbing headache.
Maybe it would be better if I could cry and get it all out, but I couldn’t, because then I think I would have to admit to myself he wasn’t coming back. I sure as hell wasn’t ready to face that yet.
I dropped my head onto my knees again, cold sinking into my muscles. “I’m such a fucking coward, Kristair.”
My chest ached painfully, and for a moment, I couldn’t draw a breath around the tangled knot where my heart was supposed to be. “I wish you were here with me.” If I could just feel his arms around me one more time….
My heart lurched in response and I gasped, my head jerking up as déjà vu washed over me. With trembling fingers, I touched the spot over the right side of my chest, and then pressed my palm against the tattoos.
As if sensing my touch, Kristair’s heart started beating within me again.