KAYLA WAS subdued the entire way back to campus. She’d wrapped her jacket tight around herself and stared out the window as Steve sped through the light traffic. She hadn’t even commented on the guards Ussier had following us, and that was unlike her.
It was enough to distract Steve from asking all the questions that had to be burning in his mind. He didn’t say a word, just kept casting Kayla little glances before reaching over to take her hand. Her fingers curled around his darker ones and I frowned at the little stab of jealousy that pricked me.
So what if they had something going on? I stuffed my fists into my jacket and ignored them, or at least tried to. Kayla was upset about the envelope and Steve was trying to comfort her. No biggie. Only it emphasized the empty space on the seat next to me, where Kristair should be sitting, and reminded me that I wasn’t doing a very good job taking care of his daughter like I’d promised.
Steve pulled up in front of the dorms and shut off the engine. “Do you want me to come up with you?”
Kayla shook her head and withdrew her hand. “No, I want to be alone tonight.” She gave him a smile, no less enchanting for the touch of sadness about it, and I noticed how it worked its magic on my friend. Oh boy.
He nodded. “Call me if you need to.” Steve met my eyes in the rearview mirror. “Jake, I expect to see you tomorrow night.”
I clasped the hand he held up with a surge of affection for my friend. Steve and his quiet strength were always there, whenever I needed it, whether I deserved it or not. “I’ll be there.”
He pointed a finger at me. “See that you do.”
I stepped out of his SUV and nodded at the men Ussier had sent in the car following us. Several got out to escort Kayla and me to our rooms and the remaining two stayed to see Steve home. It occurred to me to wonder if Ussier had thought of the possibility the Syndicate might hire someone to attack me during the day. Knowing him, though, he probably had. Ussier was thorough, I’d give him that.
I walked a couple steps away to give Kayla and Steve some privacy. What would Kristair think of those two? He and Steve had been at odds from their very first meeting when Kristair had strolled right into our apartment, and it had gone to hell from there. He’d probably appreciate the irony of it. At least he’d recognized that Steve was a good guy; Kristair had just enjoyed antagonizing him.
The sound of the door opening alerted me and I turned to face Kayla. I loved the little minx, as Kristair had sometimes called her in his thoughts. She was a sister to me, a confidante unlike any other girl I’d ever met, and that compelled me to offer my company despite my reluctance. “You sure you don’t want me to come up?”
She smiled and came over to kiss my cheek. “You’re a sweet one, Jake, despite your insufferable stubbornness. I’ll be fine. Thanks for offering.”
Relief swept through me and I felt like a frickin coward for it, but it was there just the same. “Come on, trouble,” I said, slinging an arm around her shoulders. “Let me walk you upstairs anyway and make sure you’re tucked in.”
“Walking upstairs I’ll allow. As for the other, forget it.”
I chuckled and shrugged a shoulder. “A man can try.” I walked her up to her room and hesitated, strangely reluctant to be by myself, again. “You sure you don’t want me to stay? I don’t mind.”
“Yes, you do.” She smiled, trying to take away the sting of guilt. “Yeah, hotshot, I’m sure. There is something you can do for me though.”
“Anything.”
“I wish it were that easy. Sometimes you look at me and I see him and it’s so hard.” Kayla studied me for a moment, her eyes grave, and then her hand came up to cup my cheek. It would be so easy to give in to her comfort. If I were to kiss her, she’d let me. If I were to push her further, she’d probably let me as well, all because I sometimes reminded her of a man she’d loved for years. A man we both loved. And fuck, if it didn’t feel like I was committing some kind of emotional incest, I’d fall into that desire, let her ease me. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t use her that way.
She made a soft, sad little sound and leaned closer to me, her hand slipping into my hair, her forehead resting against my own. “Oh Jake, sometimes looking at you just breaks my heart.”
Gee, thanks lady, I thought, but before I could respond, she pulled back again with a shake of her head. “You’ve got to stop holding it in. You’re killing yourself. All that anger and grief… you’ve got to let it out.”
Whatever I had expected her to say, that was not it, and the surprise cut through my spurt of rage. I raked a hand through my hair. Girls, I swear. They thought a good cry and a box of chocolates solved every problem.
“It’s not going to bring him back. It’s not going to solve anything.”
“Jake, I swear that’s something Kris would say, not you. The Jake I knew felt things, passionately and to the fullest. If he was pissed, you knew. If he was happy, or hurt, he expressed it and then let the storm blow over. You’ve been hanging onto it for months, letting it build, and that’s so much like my father. In this one thing, at least, don’t let him influence you.”
“Kayla, I can’t.” Fuck, I hated seeing her face fall like that. “I don’t know where to start.” The very thought of letting it loose was terrifying and I closed right up inside at the notion. “I’m sorry.”
I took a step away, turning my back. The sound of her door shutting was a lonely echo in the long hallway. Good job, asswipe, I snarled to myself. Way to go helping her to feel better.
My own room was just across the quad and ten minutes later I locked the door behind me after I’d checked to make sure no one was lurking inside. Ussier’s men were somewhere outside watching and it was too reminiscent of those months Kristair had sat outside my window, watching and waiting for me to give in. So much for letting go tonight and making a clean break of it.
Sitting down in the window, I pulled out the number Tony had given me and hesitated. God, I hoped I knew what I was doing. Once again, I was running on pure instinct. Only this time, I hoped it wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass.
As the phone rang, I stared out over the city. Was Tony out there somewhere or was he lying low in one of the suburbs? I studied the shadows as well, seeking some sign of Ussier’s men, but wherever they were, they were well hidden.
“Jake?” Tony’s voice had changed, almost as much as the man had. He sounded… more sure of himself, I guess. He’d always kinda looked to me and Steve for guidance. Now, he was standing on his own with no hesitance. Perversely, I felt a little pride at that, not because I’d abandoned him and forced him to this point, but because Steve and I had always known he had it in him. The only one who hadn’t known was Tony.
“Yeah, it’s me. I talked with Ussier.”
“And?”
I drew in a breath; it was too late to second-guess now. “He’ll meet with ya, tomorrow night at Pooh Corner. It’s a bar and pool hall in Oakland. He said to be there at eleven.”
Tony was quiet for several moments. I wished I could see his face. Maybe it would tell me what he was thinking. “He promised me he’d hear you out. You’re not to be touched coming or going,” I tried to reassure him.
He laughed, sarcastic and sharp. “Excuse me if I have trouble having faith in either of your promises.”
“Look, I did what ya asked.” I drew my knees up to my chest and leaned my head against the wall, closing my eyes. “You wanted me to arrange a meeting and I did. Punk out if you want to, but Ussier is not a patient man. He might not agree to meet again if you pull a no-show. So if you want to say whatever you came here to say, now’s your chance. You’ve got his curiosity up, but if you renege, he will come looking for you. Why don’t you think on that?” It was something I wanted to avoid at all costs.
“Thanks for the warning. I say we’re even now.”
“Tony, wait….” But it was too late; he’d already hung up. I cussed under my breath and tried calling him back, but it went straight to voice mail. Dammit. I stared blindly out the window and tried to figure out what do next. I wanted to call Steve. Hell, what did Tony want? It was far from over. One little favor wasn’t going to absolve my debt to him. Setting up a meeting didn’t equate to Tony saving my life or the hell I’d put him through.
“He wants something else,” Kristair reasoned.
It didn’t take a genius to figure that one out. I sighed and scrubbed a hand through my hair. I’d see how tomorrow night played out. Whether or not Tony showed, I was talking to Steve afterward. I wasn’t gonna let him continue stewing when Tony was kicking around town.
I puttered about my room to distract myself. I even pulled out my homework and tried to put a dent in it, but that only stirred up Kristair more. Even if it did succeed in driving back my guilt some, it wasn’t worth the heartache. I was too tired to block him out. Even though we’d shared our thoughts for months, I never realized how much my lover enjoyed books, learning. He loved the scent of them, their weight in his hands. He loved arguing points for the sake of arguing, of challenging the mind.
I quickly gave up and shut off the light to stare up at my ceiling for what seemed like hours. Sleep crept in and I fought that too. I didn’t want to dream tonight. I didn’t want to dream of him and everything I’d lost, even if it was nice to pretend for a bit that nothing had changed. “Kristair… god please, love, come home.”
There was an answering whisper in my mind, and this time, without fighting the call, I slipped into a dream.
KRISTAIR AND I sat entwined on his overstuffed chair in the room behind his office. I remembered this night all too well. It was the night I’d first told Kristair I loved him. It was also the night those Syndicate bastards started their war. Some part of me knew I was dreaming and I shifted restlessly on the bed before sinking deeper, still struggling to return to consciousness.
I straddled Kristair, my mouth hungry on his. As we made out in his chair, in the back of my mind was the knowledge that the Syndicate was on their way to ruin our evening. Kristair would walk away from me to confront them and before the night was over two people would have died and my lover would have a bounty set on him.
It lent desperation to my kisses and my hands fisted into his shirt as if by doing so I could keep him with me. I wanted him to stay, to sink his teeth into me and make me feel alive again.
Kristair broke the kiss, his eyes more unreadable than ever. Then he smiled, a tender, loving one that made me ache inside. It lit me up, filled me with warmth. “Just ask me, mo chroí.”
“Stay.” I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my forehead to his. “Please stay.”
“Always.” He kissed me again before pulling back to strip my sweater off, revealing my tattoos, which were a perfect match to his, a mirror image my right to his left. Tattoos that he’d somehow painted on me permanently our first night together. There were several of various design, on my chest and back and one covering my side. Some I could make out as creatures; others I didn’t understand. But what I did like about them was when we were pressed against each other, it was almost like fitting a puzzle piece together that fit as one.
He brushed his lips on the bare spot of skin between the two griffin heads on the torc. That didn’t fit with my memory of the night either, because on that night in my dream I hadn’t found it yet. If in fact my dream self turned around on the chair it would be lying somewhere on the bookshelf behind me. But I didn’t move. I didn’t want to think about how I’d last seen this room, gutted from the fire, all of Kristair’s treasures lost but one. I didn’t want to think about what was going to happen.
I kept waiting for Kristair to tense, to look at the door and announce the Syndicate’s approach, but he remained warm and supple in my arms. If he sensed their arrival, he didn’t mention it, and I pushed them from my mind. It was easy to do with him under me when I was touching him. I pushed away my internal war and surrendered to the dream.
“So, where were we, Kristair?” I slid his shirt down his shoulders, fisting the fabric in my hands so that it tightened around his arms and tugged him closer. I reveled in the power I held over him. He loved me enough to open himself up to me, to leave himself vulnerable. He’d showed me that time and again, and in my insecurities I hadn’t noticed right away. Only, those were regrets for another time. Right then, I only wanted to be buried inside of him, with no interruptions.
“Stripping each other naked and about to fuck on the chair,” Kristair replied, his thighs tensing as he kicked out of his shoes.
“Yeah, something like that.” I grinned, utterly happy because somehow it seemed like I was getting my way. I knew I could be childish sometimes and prone to fits of selfishness. And yeah, maybe that was how I was acting now, but I didn’t care.
I nipped at the tender skin just behind his earlobe, feeling the heat emanating from him, banishing the chill that had been in his flesh earlier. His head fell back, baring the elegance of his neck, and I dragged my tongue from his collarbone up to the hollow of his throat.
Kristair groaned, his fingertips stroking my forearms, though he made no attempt to rid himself from the tangle of his shirt while I continued to feast on his throat. His skin tasted clean, as if he had just bathed, and the image of him standing under a hot cascade of water made me weak. God damn, that was a fucking gorgeous thought.
I released him, standing up to get rid of my shoes and jeans. I loved the sensation of his eyes zealously hot on me, loved hearing the wicked whisper of his thoughts as he watched me. It added such spice.
“You’re certainly inventive,” I said, grinning. Then my voice turned teasing as I cocked my head and looked at him with his shirt half-hanging off him, sitting there still clothed before my own nakedness. “Get out of those damned clothes.”
Kristair’s eyes lit up, and as he rose, I knew he was going to indulge my need for dominance. Lord, he made me hungry for all kinds of naughty things I could do to him, knowing he’d let me with only a token protest. If that.
His shirt fell from around his elbows to drift onto the floor. His eyes were hooded and hot as his hands went to the button and zipper of his pants. Whatever he was thinking or feeling was lost to me as he drew the whispering fabric down his long legs. “Damn, Kristair.” I would never get over just how elegantly sexy he was.
He smirked. “You don’t seem to be half so mouthy now.”
I looked up from my contemplation of the hard planes of his body, dusted with just a smattering of dark hair, and returned his smile. “I’m sure I’ll make up for it later.” I closed the distance between us and spun him around to face the chair. I wasn’t interested in foreplay, or in being gentle, or in playing with him. All I wanted was to fuck him. I wanted him to still feel me inside of him when he went out to meet his guests, my scent heavy on his skin. If they ever arrived. Maybe they wouldn’t; this was my fantasy, after all, and I was going to enjoy it to the fullest.
Kristair didn’t say anything as he knelt on the cushions, moving forward so I would fit behind him without falling off the chair. The anticipation was so strong in him that I could almost taste it; it mirrored my own impatience. I spied his collage of candid pictures of me over his shoulder and turned my lips to his ear. “What is it you see when you look at those photos, my beautiful stalker?” I whispered.
He hesitated then turned his head toward me. “I see a smart-mouthed brat who’s entirely too arrogant and used to getting his own way.” Though his tone was acerbic, Kristair wasn’t able to hide the surge of profound love that came with his words.
I chuckled and nipped at his shoulder in response. He had no room to talk. His own mouth put mine to shame. I slid my palms down his lean torso, over those hips that fit so right in my hands, and then rested them on his smooth thighs. “You’re avoiding the question, love.” Roughly, I pulled his thighs wider apart, reveling in his soft moan.
His head dropped back onto my shoulder and I pressed my lips against his neck. I slid my fingers down the cleft of his ass, sensing the way his anticipation fluttered through him. My other hand cradled his chin, forcing his head up so that he was looking directly at the pictures again as I slowly pushed my fingers into him.
“That right there, my love, those pictures are the actions of a stalker, and you sure as hell did hunt me down and hound me, just the way a stalker would.” He tensed slightly at my words, then relaxed again as I pressed my fingers against his prostate, causing a sharp stab of pleasure to tear through him. I loved how our connection made it possible for me to feel everything he was feeling.
“However, I know that you aren’t one. That bond you created between us let me know exactly how you felt about me. How much you loved me and wanted to take care of me. So shy and worried if I would accept you. And you tried so hard to keep me from realizing how deeply you cared. So tell me, Mr. Bad-ass Vampire, what do you see?”
Kristair twisted in my arms to give me a warning look, oddly mixed with intense desire. He caught my lower lip in his teeth and gave it a stinging nip before kissing me hard. My fingers kept up their ruthless rhythm, not even faltering when he bit my lip again and I tasted my blood as our tongues entwined.
“I see someone who wants to be more than he thinks he is, but doesn’t yet realize that he’s already there.” He paused. “I see the man I’ve loved since the first night he caught my eye.”
Damn him for always managing to get the last word in. I couldn’t even begin to describe how he made me feel: loved, chastised, heated, and possessive, all at once. I grasped his hips, my cock finding his entrance, and slowly pushed deep inside him.
Kristair moaned, breaking the kiss to watch my face as I penetrated him. His tongue darted out to wipe the traces of my blood from his lips before doing the same to my own. The intimacy of us sharing blood was so damned erotic. I growled softly, my hands tightening without thought on his hips before I withdrew and drove into him again.
He was incredibly hot and so damned tight around my cock that it was an almost painful pleasure. Kristair’s nails dug into the chair, scoring the smooth leather. I buried my face in his neck and slid my arm around his waist, breathing in his scent almost desperately even as I fucked him.
I couldn’t get enough of the strangled sounds that caught in his throat or the way he moved his body so restlessly against my own. He rested his head against my shoulder again and his hand came up and back to wrap around the nape of my neck. I lost myself in his half-embrace. The physical pleasure paled in comparison to the soul-deep joy we shared at our renewed connection.
If I could just capture this feeling, this moment, and keep it inside me forever, I might remember what it was like to be happy.
There was just one thing missing. I lifted my hand, placing the inside of my wrist against his lips. He moaned deep in his throat and I could feel the vibration of it against my lips. “Kristair…,” I gasped as his teeth sank into my flesh. My eyes stung with imminent tears. Not from the pain, for that was fleeting, but from the wealth of emotions that were flowing out of him. Even as I wallowed in the tenderness that he held for me, he fed off of my own emotions. He drew the lust, love, and need from me and enclosed them around him like a cloak. It was the same tenderness that had undone me since the first night.
My hips snapped hard and relentlessly into him. He trembled so sweetly against me that it was all I could do to keep some measure of control. My thrusts became frantic and I reached around to wrap my hand around his cock, stroking with my erratic movements. I drew in my breath in quick, harsh pants that came out again as mewling, sharp cries muffled against the side of his throat.
Kristair’s cock throbbed in the circle of my fist. I felt his rippling contractions around my own cock as I emptied myself into him. Never enough, I didn’t think that I would ever get enough of him, or the explosive passion that erupted between us.
“Don’t forget, Jacob. Don’t you ever forget. I’ll always be with you.”
I WOKE up gasping, my body shuddering through the last stages of my orgasm. Oh god, I could still taste him on my lips; my wrist still ached. I squeezed my eyes shut against the slow, painful thuds of my heart and I turned into the twisted sheets, shaking. I was afraid to open my eyes. What if I saw broken skin? What if I saw an empty bed?
Inside, my soul howled, the sound full of despair and fury, desolate and alone. I gritted my teeth and forced my eyes open.
My wrist was whole.
There wasn’t even a lingering impression of teeth and Kristair’s scent, his taste fled. It had been just a dream. It hadn’t happened like that. Kristair had left to confront the Syndicate; he hadn’t stayed with me, though I doubt that would’ve stopped the Syndicate. The rhythm of my heart started to slow.
“But it’s how you wanted it to happen, mo chroí.”
“Kristair?”
MY BODY felt like I really had been up all night long making love with Kristair. My eyes were gritty, a headache throbbed between my temples, and my muscles ached. I should’ve gone back to my dorm between classes and taken a nap, but I sure as hell didn’t want to go to sleep again. The dream had left me feeling cheated, like I was caught in a goddamn monkey-in-the-middle game where everything I wanted was tossed around just out of reach, taunting me.
And the day was hardly over with yet. Somehow I had to get through practice, work my shift at the cafeteria, and then go to the meeting at Pooh Corner. At least the meeting was something to look forward to. I had to believe that Tony was on the level and Ussier would see it.
“Corvin.”
My head jerked up at the sound of my coach’s voice. I realized I’d been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn’t even started getting ready for practice. “Sorry, Coach,” I muttered, tugging off my T-shirt. The last thing I needed right now was him giving me shit again for my attitude. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his mouth tighten at the sight of my tattoos. Well, he was just going to have to deal. For fuck’s sake, he’d known about them for eight months now. It wasn’t like they were going anywhere.
I turned to face the locker, slipped off my nipple rings, and put them in the little box I kept in there, hoping he didn’t see the motion. They were yet another bone of contention between him and me. “Hurry up and finished getting dressed and get your ass out there. And, Corvin, you’re benched for Saturday’s game.”
I froze in the act of slipping Kristair’s torc off from around my throat, and then I forced myself to lay it down before I spun to face Coach Latimer. “I haven’t broken any rules.” How I kept my voice even I didn’t know. In the past I would’ve already been shouting. I was building up to it though, anger grumbling in the background as I seethed.
“Your attitude is unacceptable and your performance is suspect. I don’t like the changes I see in you,” Coach Latimer said, his voice flat and unwavering. Not the first time I’d heard that particular tone.
“Let me get this straight. This year my grades have improved to the point where you don’t have to get on my ass anymore about keeping them up.” I put on my pads and jerked my jersey over them, glowering at him the entire time. “I’ve submitted to every request you’ve given me for a physical and drug test without argument. I haven’t been involved in one damn brawl on or off the field this year. And you’re benching me? Are you fucking kidding me? There are scouts out there, Coach. This is my last year. If I’m going to be invited to the combine again, I need to be playing. I haven’t done shit to deserve this.”
“Yeah, you’ve learned how to keep a hold of your temper, but you’ve grown cold, Corvin. I don’t like it, nor do I like some of the feats you’ve pulled on the field. People are starting to talk and it gives me and my department a bad rep I don’t want.”
Kristair believed that telling a bit of truth sometimes made your case stronger, so I opted to try that strategy now, though only out of sheer desperation. Dammit, I needed to play. I needed to get out there and forget for a while, to have something that was normal. As normal as I could get with having to make sure I kept any supernatural bursts of speed or strength locked deep inside.
“Look, Coach, cut me some slack, okay?” I paused, my throat tightening, my eyes stinging just thinking about my admission, and I forced myself to meet his eyes. God, it was so hard. Admitting it out loud made it real and I’d gotten really good about not saying anything.
“Last year I met someone who changed my life and then he was killed. Right now the only thing I give a shit about is football, so please, let me play. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll go take another physical. I’ll piss in a fucking jar whenever you ask. I swear to god, I’m not on drugs, okay? I’m not doing anything illegal, or anything that’s gonna let the team down. Come on, please.”
My legs were trembling by the time I’d finished and I sat down hard on the bench. He was silent as I continued to get dressed, waiting for his answer. I had to act like he was going to give me permission. Then I was ready. I rose with my helmet tucked under my arm and my heart beating an uneven tattoo in my chest as I studied his face. Jesus, I didn’t need this now. Everything was crumbling out from underneath me. I wanted to start screaming and never stop.
Coach Latimer’s eyes hadn’t changed and my heart sank. I’d learned the hard way during my sophomore year that winning didn’t matter so much to the man as did the personal integrity of the team and every man on it. I’d been convinced that as long as I kept playing the way I had been I was golden. So I’d let my grades slip and the next thing I knew, I’d been sitting on the sidelines watching the team play without me. I’d had to do extra credit on top of the make-up work just to satisfy Coach.
“I’m sorry, Jake. I really am.” It was the unfamiliar and unexpected gentle note in his voice that made my throat close up more so than the rejection I knew was coming.
Coach handed me a slip of paper and I took it before sinking down onto the bench again. It had the name and address of a doctor on it. “This isn’t some damned head quack, is it?” I glared up at him, some of my anger coming back to chase away the despair. “I ain’t crazy.”
“I’m not crazy, not ain’t. You are at a university now.” Kristair gently teased and my heart twisted.
“No, it’s not, Corvin, though that might not be a bad idea either. You’ve got a lot of rage bottled up inside you. It makes you dangerous; to yourself and to your teammates and to the men we play against. I can’t take the risk.”
I stared blindly down at my hands. I wanted to rail, shout, punch the lockers until the pain in my hand drowned everything else out. But I couldn’t. It just wouldn’t come out, and the fucked thing was I got where Coach was coming from. My jaw worked and I nodded, looking up to meet his eyes. “I understand.”
He studied my face for a long time as if trying to weigh the sincerity of my words. “I expect you do. Maybe you’re finally growing up, Corvin.”
I shrugged, my lips twisting into a smile. Shit, if getting wisdom was always this painful, I’d much rather be a cocky brat instead.
“So, if this isn’t a shrink then who is it?” I gestured with the slip of paper in my hand. A sudden suspicion hit me with a wrenching in my gut and as soon as I had the thought I knew it was true. The profound disappointment in Coach’s eyes confirmed it. Oh god, how had he found out? I had been so careful.
“I know you forged the results of your physical, Corvin. I don’t know why and I suspect you’re not going to be telling me either. The only thing I do know is that you’re not using, which is damned smart of you because I’d have no qualms about kicking you off the team, talent or no talent. Why you did something as asinine as fake a doctor’s clearance, I don’t know. If you have a medical condition and you’re worried it might keep you from playing, you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of it. Football is one thing, your health is another.”
A medical condition. That was a fucking laugh. I couldn’t be more disgustingly healthy. I hadn’t had so much as a cold since the night I got those tattoos, not even when everyone else around me had caught the stomach flu the month before. No, I’d fudged my results because I was terrified of going to the doctor.
Over the past year I’d been changing. I wasn’t used to the idea of holding back in practice and especially not during a game. But I was faster than I had been, more agile, stronger. You name it. What if they found something in my blood that indicated these abilities weren’t just a product of my imagination? What if I received proof that I wasn’t quite human anymore?
Yeah, the thought scared the shit out of me. I wanted some semblance of normalcy left in my life. I could’ve taken it if I’d still had Kristair, but I didn’t. He was gone and there was no one else around to help me. I didn’t trust Ussier that much and I wanted to keep Steve and Kayla out of this craziness as much as possible.
“I’m not sick, Coach, and I’m not risking my health.” I glanced down at the paper then turned to tuck it into my bag. “I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.”
It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad for him to think I’d betrayed him and not be able to defend myself. But what the hell was I supposed to say? I was afraid to go because I had a second heart and I never knew when it was going to decide to start beating inside me. That would be just what I needed to nail the proverbial coffin of my life, to become some kind of medical freak everyone wanted to prod at.
“You do that, Corvin, and when the results come in, if they’re acceptable, you can play again.”
I met his eyes with a bitter smile. “What about my attitude?” That sure as hell wasn’t going to change anytime soon.
“I understand about losing someone. You know my door is always open. You should use it sometime.”
I glanced away, the lump in my throat swelling even larger, and nodded. It was a nice gesture and damned if I didn’t appreciate it, but nothing was going to make the gape inside my soul go away. I was being bombarded with reminders every second and it was getting worse. Kristair talked to me more often, more personally, and God help me, the dream the night before had been so vivid and real. I may have tried to let him go, but my past was clinging with a vengeance.
“Yeah, I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Warm-up is getting ready to start and you need to be out there the same time as the others.” He turned to walk away.
“Coach Latimer.” He stopped, though he didn’t turn around again.
I just couldn’t let him believe whatever it was he was thinking about me and my reasons for faking the physical. I may have felt like I’d lost everything that meant something to me, but I still had my pride, and as hollow as it seemed, I clung to it. As much as Coach Latimer and I butted heads, I couldn’t let him think I was using. I knew he said he didn’t, but the suspicion had to be lurking in the back of his mind. After all, there were a hundred different ways to fake a drug test.
“I swear to you I’m not juicing, Coach. I know my game’s improved and I’ve heard some of the talk behind my back. Truth is I’ve been working out somewhat obsessively, anything to get my mind off… well, whatever.” My chest tightened to the point I had to drag breath in. God, when would it stop hurting so fucking much?
To mask my emotions I bent over to retie my cleats. “I didn’t go to the physical because I was embarrassed and I knew I was healthy enough to play.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw him turn to look at me so I busied myself with my laces, hoping he would take it for shame instead of lying through my teeth. I didn’t care if he thought I was worried about eczema on my ass or an STD, just as long as he didn’t think it was drugs.
I steadied myself and met his eyes again. “It was wrong and I’m sorry.”
Coach Latimer didn’t answer; he merely nodded and walked away. The enormity of what had just happened crushed down on me and I sagged back against the lockers. I wasn’t going to be allowed to play. Football was the only thing I looked forward to anymore. When I was out on the field I could stop thinking, just lose myself in the moment and pushing my body to its limit. Or at least, to the limit I’d allowed myself.
Now I was going to be stuck watching while the scouts wondered what I’d done. The rumors could hurt my chances. Frustration surged and I banged my head back against the lockers several times. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The locker room emptied, the sounds of my fellow teammates fading as they went out to the field one by one. Had any of them listened in? How much had they heard? I supposed I could’ve made more friends on the team if I’d wanted to, but when I’d started I’d been too cocky and hot tempered. Now I had zero interest in letting anybody else in.
I brushed my fingers over Kristair’s torc, hoping to gain some balance, then headed out to the field. As I fell into my first lap around its circumference, I started making lists, anything to block my mind and my emotions. First get through practice, then go to work and concentrate on the paycheck coming in instead of the people I was serving. I’d make an appointment with the doctor the first thing in the morning if they’d let me. They had to let me. I couldn’t wait weeks before the doctor had an opening in his schedule.
Fuck, what was I going to do? I knew jack shit about human anatomy. Even if Kristair’s heart behaved itself and remained quiet, I didn’t know if there would be some kind of echo effect since it was still taking up space in my chest. And what if they wanted to do blood work? Ugh, I was gonna go mad with all the what-ifs and uncertainties.
I passed by the rest of the guys and settled into an easy lope at the head of the line, though I held myself back from really running the way my bones and muscles longed for. Staying just ahead of the guy behind me, no matter how much he tried to catch up, eased some of my seething frustration.
I hated limiting myself. That wasn’t how I did things. I pushed myself, constantly. Only now I had to give some real consideration to what Kristair told me when he’d done his little hoodoo ritual, which had permanently implanted his heart in my chest. I’d thought the effects would’ve worn off with his death, but it was only one of many things I had been wrong about.
Hell, I didn’t even know if trying to limit myself was even going to work. I might continue to get stronger. Who knew where it would end or what other abilities of Kristair’s I’d develop? It kept escaping me, like I was under too much pressure. It came in little spurts, a great rush if I took off the restraints. One day I was just gonna explode.
Come to think of it, I had no damned idea how a vampire created another. Kristair had never discussed it beyond refusing to turn me. I shook my head and realized I had pulled ahead a little too much and once again forced myself to hold back. I didn’t want another bitching out on top of the one I’d already had. I needed to put a stop to these thoughts. I had enough damned trouble without worrying if I was turning into a vampire on top of it. In paranoia, I ran my tongue over my teeth, but they didn’t seem any sharper than they were before.
Tony was a vampire and it had happened in the space of a single night, not this gradual change over months. I finished my laps and paused to grab my water bottle. Tony’d be able to answer my questions, some of them anyway. There had been a point not too long ago when he would’ve done anything to help me. My gut churned. It seemed like an awfully personal thing to ask, especially all things considered.
I swallowed hard and blinked back the almost overwhelming burning in my eyes. Yeah, well, I’d royally fucked that one up. Tony wouldn’t help me. Kristair couldn’t help me. I was on my own.
Still running at the easy lope, I started the second lap. It didn’t help, though. My inner demons continued to chase after me. No matter what I did, I couldn’t escape the memories, the regrets. How things had ended with my friend was as much of an open wound as losing Kristair, and there was no chance of a resolution there either, even if his conversation went well with Ussier.
THE CROWD at Pooh Corner hadn’t changed much at all from the night before except that Deke wasn’t at the bar. The lady in his place wore a tight leather vest and the first genuine smile I think I’d seen in the place. I studied her as I walked up the long aisle. The problem with vampires was there was no real way to tell who was a vamp and who was human. I’d recognized Kristair instantly, but now I knew it was because of the bond developing between us, not because he had a huge neon sign over his head that announced he liked to snack on humans.
Deke’s replacement was human though. I’d stake my life on it. No pun intended. There was an openness about her that was missing in most vamps. They, of course, had to live in secrecy. Still, did she know about her boss? How could you work that close to something like him and not suspect?
“You Jake?” She asked as I neared the bar.
I grinned. “The one and only.”
“Deke and Mr. Ussier are in the back room. They said to go on in.”
“Anybody else with them?” If Tony didn’t show, I swear I was gonna kick his ass just ’cause.
“Not yet. They’re still expecting Ms. Dupree and another gentleman.”
“Thanks.” Frowning, I went around to the back room. It was twenty ’til so Tony still had time to arrive. I just worried though. What if he chickened out? And I couldn’t really blame him either. This was a big thing and he had no reason to trust me.
The body guards Ussier assigned to me didn’t follow me into the back. I actually hadn’t seen them once since I’d gotten back to my dorm last night. Not until I arrived at Deke’s place. The only thing that told me they were still hanging around was the prickle of awareness at the back of my neck.
Deke and Ussier were at the small table. It looked like they were modifying the range of semiautomatic weapons arrayed before them. “Is that what you spend all your spare time doing? Making weapons?”
“I’m always looking for a better way to kill my enemy.”
The casual way Ussier said it about made my hair stand up on end. “You guys scare me.” That was no damn joke. I joined them at the table, curious despite myself.
Ussier gave me that wolfish grin of his, complete with dimples. “I believe in survival and I’m not stupid enough to think I’m safe just because I’m at the top of the motherfucking food chain.”
Deke grunted. “Makes you a bigger target if you ask me.”
“You talk to that friend of yours, Mr. Corvin?” Ussier shook my hand.
“Yeah.” I still wasn’t sure Tony would show, but I could hope. “I think he’s suspicious it’s a setup.”
“Good.”
“Good?” Ussier’s logic baffled me. “Won’t it be harder to strike a deal then?”
The vampire leader lifted his head from the gun he was putting back together and shot me a glance of disgust. “Now I know that’s not your old man talking. He’d have known better. Deals are for dipshits.” He shook his head. “I said ‘good’ because it means he’s picked up some brains in the last six months. If you walk into a situation like this without thinking twice about it, you deserve to have your brains bashed in.”
“What are you if you think twice and still come?”
“You’ve got balls.” Deke laughed. “And you just might make it.”
“Glad you think so.”
I started at the sound of Tony’s voice coming from the door. How long had he been there? I twisted around, studying him now that we weren’t in some murky alleyway. He was definitely paler, but I’d expected that. There was a dark fringe of hair dusting his upper lip, as if his hair had continued to grow for a bit after he was turned and he never bothered to shave it off. The thought made me cringe inside because it made me think of Tony locked in that coffin for who knew how long before he was released.
I pushed those thoughts away and watched him as he came to the table. I think the thing that changed the most about Tony was the way he moved. Catlike and soundless, with an easy grace, his eyes more green than gray now, gathering the light from the naked bulb hanging overhead.
“Good to see you, youngling. I would’ve been pissed if I had to call a hunt on you.” Ussier gestured to the empty chair. “Go ahead; sit.”
“I aim to please,” Tony murmured and sank down into the chair, studying us each in turn.
“Are we waiting for the wench to show?” Deke asked, starting to pick up all the paraphernalia on the table.
“No, my youngling waylaid her. I suspect they’ll be occupied a while.”
“I hope Taylor knows what she’s doing,” Deke said under his breath and rose to stow the box of gun parts on top of the crates along the wall. “Anyone want a beer?”
“We’ll all have one,” Ussier said and then grinned at me. “Though I’m sure Mr. Corvin would appreciate the tame version.”
I frowned as Deke opened a fridge. I didn’t think vampires could drink beer. I remember many a time Kristair sitting with me as I ate and drank and he never had anything. Then the answer came to me, filtered through one of Kristair’s memories of vampires taking blood from intoxicated humans and saving it. I shuddered. That was fucking foul.
Warily, I eyed the bottles Deke set down on the table and my skin crawled as Ussier handed one to Tony then opened up his own. I had to look away as he drank. God help me, I’d loved Kristair, but this was not a world I wanted to be a part of. Deke returned from the bar with a brimming mug of beer. I muttered a “thanks” as he set it down in front of me. It may be genuine, but my stomach roiled at the thought of touching it.
Ussier sat back in his chair in a pose that somehow seemed indolent and superior all at once. “So youngling, Mr. Corvin tells me the Syndicate’s decided to ignore my promise and has returned anyway. You can start by telling me how many of your people are in my city and where they’re staying.”
“They’re not my people,” Tony retorted.
“Semantics. Are you going to argue with me, or are you going to answer my questions?”
Tony took a deep breath and shoved his hair out of his face. “For right now there’s only about a half a dozen. They’ve rented a house in Oakmont and are planning on bringing more in during the next few weeks. Bit by bit to keep anybody from getting suspicious.”
Ussier and Deke exchanged sharp glances and Ussier’s eyes narrowed. “Now that’s real interesting. Oakmont, you say?” Tony nodded. “Well now, that’s real, real interesting.”
I had to admit, I didn’t get it. What was so interesting about Oakmont other than the Syndicate could argue that they weren’t exactly in Pittsburgh? Before I could ask the question, Ussier leaned back in his chair and gestured for Tony to continue. “And you say they’re here to grab Mr. Corvin.”
“Actually, he’s not the main target.” Tony kept his eyes on Ussier, neither looking at me nor Deke. I didn’t blame him. Ussier could probably leap across the table and have Tony by the throat before he said goddamn.
“They plan on using him as a distraction and if they manage to nab him as well they’ll look on it as an added bonus.” His gaze flickered to me for a second, coldly amused. “They have plans for him if they do.”
I swear my insides twisted at the nonchalance of his comment. I don’t think I could be expecting another rescue from him if I managed to get myself into another bind. “So last night was a setup. They weren’t really planning on grabbing me and torturing me for what I know.” I didn’t know whether to be pissed or relieved.
“I think last night was a mistake, or somebody acting outside of orders. The Council is in chaos ever since Roland Montrose was killed. There’s a lot of infighting between the remaining members. If anyone manages to seize control it would be Gabriel Castillo. He’s the most ruthless one there now, only he’s been closeted with his pet prophet for years now, from what I understand. They may have gone after Jake because they wanted Ussier to hear about their presence and distract him. I don’t think they really believed he’d go out of his way to protect you, especially now that the Ancient One is gone. And they honestly don’t think you know a damned thing.”
Tony studied me, his brows drawn in thought. “But if Ussier’s chasing shadows then that leaves them free to get what they really came for. Or, for that matter, it could’ve just been a pact between those guys hoping they’d score extra points for bringing you in. In that case, they’re lucky they’re already dead because the Council would be furious they’ve alerted Ussier. Nobody seems to know what anybody else is doing. The only thing I can say for certain is what the cell in Oakmont is planning.”
“Enough with the background bullshit,” Deke growled. “Why are they here?”
“They’ve come for Artemise Dupree.”
Ussier went still, the kind of terrible stillness that comes just before striking. Deke began cursing under his breath. Tony shrunk back in his chair as he stared back at the vampire lord. “The Council knows that he isn’t due to go through the changes for at least another century, but they reason that if they get him now, they can watch the process from the beginning. They think they waited too long last time before trying to bring in the Ancient One.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a fucking minute,” I broke in. “Pittsburgh cannot be the only city with Ancients. Wouldn’t it be easier to go somewhere else and get an unsuspecting one? One who doesn’t have friends already gunning for ya?”
Tony shrugged. “They carry a grudge. Quite a big one.”
Ussier leaned over to Deke. “Get Artemise here, and for god’s sake don’t breathe one word of this to Alette. The last thing we need is her going ape shit on us.” Then he pinned Tony with his gaze, all trace of dimples gone. “Tell me, youngling, how is it you know so damn much about what the Council is up to? You’re too young to be wandering about alone. Isn’t someone missing you back home?”
“That place isn’t my home,” Tony hissed. “Pittsburgh is. In case you forgot, my sire died that night and the people in the Syndicate weren’t too keen on taking me in at all, despite their bullshit philosophy about helping out the younglings and banding together.”
Deke returned to the table. “He’s on his way. Hugh and Lisabeth are with him.”
They returned to grilling Tony while I stared at my hands and tried to figure out what I was gonna do from here on. I wasn’t the target, which was cool, but I wasn’t exactly safe either and that was decidedly uncool. I had experienced the Syndicate’s unique brand of torture once before and wasn’t eager to go through it again. I guess the one thing I had going for me was I did have everything they wanted locked inside my head. I just didn’t know if I could stomach using it.
Then there was my doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon and my meeting with Kayla and Steve whenever it was I got out of here. The anxiety weighed down my chest so badly it made it hard to breathe. One thing at a time. That’s all I could handle, one thing at a time, and right now that one thing was Tony and what was going to happen with him. At this moment, I couldn’t focus on anything else.
Ussier and Deke conferred in low voices. Tony’s eyes were strained and his mouth was tight, but when he saw me looking at him he scowled. Then to add to the tension, Lisabeth, Hugh, and Artemise stepped into the back room. As Deke rose to gather more chairs, I began to think I never should’ve come. I didn’t belong here. Artemise I had no problem with. He seemed almost friendly, his blue eyes merry as he came forward, leaning on his ever-present cane. He greeted both Tony and I with a handshake and a smile. He was the one who had urged reason over wanton destruction that night. And that had always stuck with me, made me a little ashamed of myself.
Hugh could’ve been a linebacker. I’d never seen him smile, not once. Granted, I hadn’t spent that much time in his company and I didn’t really want to change that either. Now his scowl was so deeply etched into his dark face it emphasized the harsh planes. It was Lisabeth, however, who really gave me the creeps as she took the chair between Ussier and me.
I realized I was leaning away from her as Ussier filled them in on the details, but if she made me nervous, she downright freaked the fuck out of Tony as she studied him unblinking. He tried to meet her stare, but ended up glowering down at the table after only a few moments. His fingers twitched as if he wanted to drum them and only managed not to through a supreme effort of will.
Lisabeth couldn’t have been more than eleven or twelve when she was turned. It was weird to see those old, old eyes on that tiny, midnight-dark face. What kind of person turned a child into a vampire anyway?
Artemise frowned thoughtfully as Ussier finished his recap and turned to Tony. “I’m curious to hear how this all started. Go on; tell us what happened after you first arrived in Rome.”
Tony stared at the scarred tabletop and then downed half his beer. “They were divided on what to do with me. Some just wanted to destroy me on the spot. But eventually this other group within the Syndicate took me in. They oppose the Council. They believe that the Council’s methods are going to lead to all of them getting killed.”
“Well, at least the entire group isn’t butt-assed stupid,” Deke said.
“Claudia was a member of that particular group.”
“Who?” Ussier asked.
Oh Jesus, he had to be joking. “Claudia? You mean the same bitch who attacked Kristair the night he met with the Syndicate? The same bitch who tried to kill him?”
“She wasn’t trying to kill him—” Tony started, and I jumped to my feet.
“Ya could’ve fucking fooled me. I was there that night and I saw her attack him.” She had been insane, I’d swear it. I don’t think I’d ever forget how her eyes had burned, her fanaticism glowing from within them.
“Hold up, Mr. Corvin,” Ussier said in a soft voice. “I want to hear what he has to say.”
Fuming, I shut up, glaring at Tony as I struggled to get my temper under control. He turned away from me and focused his attention on Ussier as if I wasn’t even there. “The Council was fairly certain the Ancient One wasn’t going to agree. They wanted to put him off guard with the meeting, make them seem harmless, reasonable. Claudia made sure he knew they were a genuine threat. She went in there, knowing she was going to die.”
“God damned extremists,” Deke said. “I hate ’em, crazy fucking mooks.”
“There has to be more to it than that,” Ussier disagreed with a frown. “The old man told me something similar and my Razor Children confirmed it. She attacked him to make sure there was no chance of a compromise between Kristair and the Syndicate, ever. The question is why.”
I frowned, remembering my conversation with Kristair when he’d come to my apartment after the fight. “Okay, so maybe she wasn’t trying to kill him,” I grudgingly admitted. But she was still a nutso freak. “Kristair told me that her faction believed the Council was gaining too much power.”
“That’s partially it,” Tony said. “It’s how the Council is going about getting the power that disturbs us.” I shivered. Us, Tony grouped himself in with the vampires like Claudia.
“The Syndicate’s original purpose was to provide a haven for younger vampires to give us a chance to survive by banding together, but the Council has perverted that purpose. All the Council cares about is getting more power and knowledge, by whatever means necessary, and they can’t see that those very methods are going to destroy them.”
“That’s the damn truth,” Ussier said. “If they keep trying to abduct Ancients, they’re going to have every older vampire in the world emerging to tear out their throats.”
“Claudia took it a little further, though. She believed that getting this knowledge the hard way, by learning over the centuries, led to a higher purpose. There are some others who believe it as well and they’re all as fanatical as her. The rest of us just want to get by and not draw attention to ourselves.”
“Kristair believed something similar,” I said. “He was mostly offended by the Syndicate before things got bloody because he thought the knowledge had to be earned, not freely given.” It was like with his books in his precious library. He shared them, but on his own terms and no more.
“I can agree with that,” Ussier said. “The things we learn to do, they’re hard won. It gives us our edge. I’m not going to share that with very many people. And who even says it can be taught? It’s like a talent. Either it emerges or it doesn’t.”
That tickled something in the back of my brain, but I remained silent for now. If Tony and the other members of the Syndicate believed I knew nada, I was kinda inclined to keep the truth to myself. Besides, I wasn’t sure I wanted to explore the niggling thought despite my promise to Ussier to tap into Kristair’s knowledge. God only knew what it would do to me.
“Now that Montrose is gone, Castillo is trying to consolidate his position, promising the rest of the Council immortality if they back him. Or at least that’s the rumor.”
“Immortality? Aren’t vampires immortal already?” I asked. “That’s kinda overkill, don’t you think?”
“There are many definitions of immortality,” said Lisabeth. “A vampire can still be destroyed, no matter how powerful they are. Perhaps they seek a way around that.”
“I don’t know what their goal is.” Tony shrugged. “As to your earlier question, I know about the Council’s inner workings because some of my faction are old enough to sit in on the Council meetings. They included me when they decided to interfere again because of my past history here. They figured if you were going to talk to anyone from the Syndicate, it would probably be me.”
I couldn’t fault them for that logic. “So what now?” Tony had given his warning, though it wasn’t one I’d expected. Did that mean I was off the hook now if the Syndicate wasn’t really after me? Maybe it was stupid to want to believe that last night’s attack had been a fluke, but I didn’t like the idea of being followed around all the time by Ussier’s minions, especially if it might be unnecessary.
“Now, your friend here gives us the address in Oakmont,” Ussier said. Tony’s face tightened. Probably more because Ussier referred to him as my friend than out of any worry over betraying his… what? Family? What did they call themselves? “Then we’ll pay them a visit and see if he’s on the level.”
“And in the meantime?” I tried not to show my frustration, but I wanted an answer now. What was going to happen to Tony, dammit?
“You’re still on my watch list, Mr. Corvin, despite what the youngling says. You may not be the target, but you’re still a mark and that’s unacceptable. Tony will be your new bodyguard. If he’s knows these people as well as he seems to, then you can use that to keep one step ahead.”
“I’m not a babysitter,” Tony snapped. “I gave you your warning. At least let me help you get rid of the Syndicate cell instead of following this tool around.”
“Fuck you!” I snarled right back. “I didn’t ask for yer damn help, not last night and not any other night. You can go to hell.”
We glared across the table at each other, fists clenched, and I swear, guilt or no guilt, I wanted to punch that sneer right off his face. “Thanks, but I’ve already been there cuz of you.”
“Enough, gentlemen,” Hugh said in his deceptively soft voice. “We get it. You hate each other’s guts, but Ussier gave you an order, youngling. In his city. There is no argument.”
Tony pressed his lips together then nodded shortly. “Fine. I’ll watch over him.”
“Now just wait one damned minute. Don’t I have a say in this?”
“No.” Both Ussier and Hugh spoke as one and with enough implacable authority in their tones that my intended arguments died in my throat. “Remember what we talked about last night,” Ussier reminded me, his eyes grim.
“I don’t like the youngling being the only one watching him,” Hugh said. “Especially since we’re not sure which side he’s on. We should add someone else.”
“Mr. Corvin can take care of himself,” Ussier replied, and Tony snorted. I shot him a dirty look to hide my attack of nerves. Ussier really did intend for me to use what I could of Kristair’s abilities. Fuck. Not that I liked his goons creeping behind me all the time, but still.
“Besides,” Lisabeth cut in with a cold smile. “The youngling’s own survival depends on the Ancient One’s lover. If one dies so shall the other.” She hopped down from the chair and crossed over to Tony. An expression of fear flickered over his face, but he stood his ground as she caught his head between her tiny hands. I had to give him credit for having balls.
“Jacob Corvin, come here.” I found myself by her side without a chance for thought or refusal. Alarm bells went off; if she didn’t already freak me out, this would’ve cemented it. “Give me your hand.”
Hesitant, I held out my hand and jumped as she sliced my palm with her fingernail, drawing blood. “Hey, what the—” The fierce glance she shot me shut me up. Tony tried to draw back, but the vampire girl grabbed his ear and held him still as she smeared my blood on his forehead. As she muttered softly in another language, the blood became an incandescent blue before sinking into Tony’s forehead.
I took a step back, my skin crawling, my palm throbbing. Vampires were bad enough, but vampires with magic were a whole new set of scary. I’d seen too much to disbelieve anything was possible. I rubbed my thumb over my palm, smearing the blood, and the pain eased. My stomach twisted as the skin knit together before my eyes and was whole once more.
“There now.” Lisabeth released Tony with a satisfied smile. “Now the youngling has no choice but to guard Mr. Corvin’s life as dearly as his own.”
Shit. I wouldn’t blame Tony if he killed me himself, just out of pure spite.
THE NIGHT was bitter cold, the wind whipping between the buildings to lash at us as we left Pooh Corner. Tony didn’t say one word to me until we had walked the entire way back to campus. Not that I could blame him. My thoughts were pretty troubled too, and every time he fingered his forehead I was struck with another little stab of guilt. He shouldn’t have that extra burden. If he was out to betray me and did, then they could hunt him down clean. It just didn’t sit right that they used hoodoo shit on him.
“You didn’t say anything,” he finally said.
Frowning, I turned toward Tony. “What?”
“You didn’t speak up for me again. You didn’t try to stop her.” Once more Tony touched his forehead and for a split second his expression became haunted before it returned to the now familiar cold indifference. “Guess all your talk about being sorry was bullshit.”
The accusation dug the thorn in my conscience that much deeper. Truth was I hadn’t even thought about protesting at the time. It had happened so fast and I wasn’t expecting it. I should’ve said something. It wouldn’t have stopped Lisabeth for a second—I knew that, at least—but I still could’ve tried even if she had scared the shit outta me.
Last time, not only had I not tried to stop them, I’d encouraged them with my own disavowal of Tony, my own cruel words and bitter, angry indifference to what was happening to him. What goes around comes around, and it was biting me in the ass. “I had no idea they could even do anything like that. That it was even possible.” I paused and shook my head. “But you’re right. I should’ve said something. I’m sorry.”
“Bite me.” Another time, a comment like that from Tony would have me on the ground laughing.
“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to call Ussier and demand he have it removed? It won’t do a damn bit of good. They don’t trust you. According to them you’re an outsider.”
“What about you?” Tony shot back.
“Huh? What are you talking about?” Ignoring the wind and my desire to just get inside so I could give Steve the news and take one more step to moving on, I stopped to face Tony. Obviously, there was something he was working toward.
“Do you trust me?” Tony demanded.
I hesitated a second too long and his expression hardened and he began walking again. “Fuck it, Jake. Never mind.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” Fuck, he could read me too well. I wasn’t very good at hiding things and the quirk of his brow told me he read my hesitance loud and clear.
“Really? Enlighten me then.”
“I don’t think you’re out to see me dead, but I don’t think you’d grieve for very long if I was killed. And I couldn’t blame you.” It was a fine line, but it still was a distinction, an important one in my mind.
“Damn right, I wouldn’t cry over you.” The slash cut quick with the bitter edge of Tony’s voice. “But then I’ll be dead myself and I’m not ready to lie down and give up yet.” That was a sentiment I could appreciate. “You don’t really think she used magic, do you? I mean it’s just—”
“Crazy?”
He nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”
“I don’t think she’s the kind of person to fake at anything. If she threatens you, it’s real.” I eyed him uneasily, wishing the damn mark was gone. “Besides, I’ve seen too much shit to disbelieve anything.”
Tony shut up again and it wasn’t until we turned toward Kayla’s dorm that he spoke up. “Where are we going?”
“I promised Kayla and Steve an update. They’re waiting for me in her room.”
“Motherfucker.” I glanced back to where Tony had halted and stood glaring at me. “You said you wouldn’t say anything.”
“That was last night and I didn’t tell them anything.” Kayla finding out was not my fault at all. The chick was too smart for my own good. “Tonight’s different. You said you wanted to see where things stood. Now you know.”
“Jake, I don’t want them finding out I’m here.”
“Why the hell not?” I continued on, figuring if Tony was serious about his assignment, he’d follow. “Steve doesn’t deserve this bullshit. He’s been going nuts over you, jackass. Unless this is another way of punishing me. Well, it’s not going to work. I’m done with keeping secrets.” Silently, I cursed my conscience for panging right then. The knowledge planted in my head from Kristair was a whole other issue, unconnected with this situation, and telling would cause more problems than keeping my mouth shut would.
“It’s not your story to tell. Jake, I’m fucking warning you,” Tony growled, grabbing my arm in a hard grip.
“Or what?” I turned around and snarled, my eyes going to the invisible mark on his forehead. “What? Ya gonna kick my ass? Go ahead and bring it.” My fists balled up and it was an effort to keep them in my coat pocket. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t tell them, for chrissake.”
We glared at each other for a long minute while Tony seemed to struggle with it. Then he scowled and stalked past me. “Fine. We’ll do it your way, as usual.”
I gritted my teeth until pain stabbed through my jaw and then counted to twenty. Not trusting myself to speak I just began walking again before we ended up brawling in the middle of the quad. The remainder of the walk did nothing to blunt the edge of my anger and I was still fuming when I knocked on Kayla’s door.
“Are you coming? Don’t be such a friggin’ coward,” I snapped at Tony, who was hanging back. His face tightened.
Kayla must’ve been listening at the door or else I was louder than I’d meant to be because the door popped open then. “Jake,” she said, with enough reproof that she didn’t need to say anything else. Her eyes flew to Tony and she gave him a smile that lit up her face before glancing over her shoulder back into her room.
“I assume Steve’s here. Let’s get it over with.” I gestured for Tony, though I was no longer impatient. We both were going to have to deal with the fallout in one way or another.
As I stepped into the room, a grin broke out over Steve’s face. “Good to see you, man. So fess up. What happened?”
Stomach jittering I stepped to the side, allowing Tony room to come in behind me. A quizzical look crossed Steve’s face and then his eyes widened. “Tony? Tony! Holy shit!” Laughing, Steve jumped up and caught Tony in a bear hug. “Damn, it’s so fucking good to see you!”
Their exchange hurt to watch, especially when Tony hugged Steve back, but I made myself do it anyway. The strained relationship I had with them was entirely my own doing, not theirs. Kayla caught my eye and gave me a small smile of sympathy. She always seemed to know just what I was thinking, sometimes before I did myself. I shrugged and she rolled her eyes as Tony and Steve continued their reunion.
Damn, it was good to see Steve all excited like that though, and for a moment Tony almost looked like his old self. If it wasn’t for this aching hole inside of me or feeling like I was an outsider peering in, I could almost believe this was a year ago. “When did…?” Steve started, then turned to me, his eyes narrowing. “You knew, last night…. This was what you wanted to meet with Ussier about. This is what you said you couldn’t talk about.”
Oh god, here it came. Steve’s expression had already darkened even before I started to speak. “Yeah, but—”
“But what?” All the coiled tension I’d been holding inside for the past twenty-four hours stretched taut to the breaking point as Steve stepped up into my space, forcing me to tilt my head up to look at him. “Jesus, Jake, why didn’t you tell me? You looked at me right in my eye, knew Tony was back home, and you didn’t say a word.”
The sick expression on Steve’s face, like he was staring at someone he didn’t even know, made me shrink inside and the tension broke, ripping through me in a haze of rage and bitterness. What I was going to say died in my throat. Fuck him. I didn’t owe him an explanation. I didn’t owe any of them anything. Not any fucking more.
Shaking inside, I took a step back, not trusting myself to speak. I just needed to get the fuck out of there before I did something I regretted. “Jake. Don’t,” Kayla said softly.
Her, I could acknowledge. She wasn’t one of the ones constantly poking and prodding me, seeking a reaction or new ways to cut at me. I shook my head and she nodded, giving me my space. She was the only one who understood.
“Wait, we’re not done yet.”
Even as Steve reached out to grab my shoulder, something inside me snapped. “Back the fuck off,” I snarled, shoving him hard enough to send him hurtling back to land on his ass on Kayla’s bed. “I don’t owe you a damn thing.”
My glare took in Tony as well, who was staring wide-eyed with surprise at the both of us. “Neither of you.” Something flickered over his face, maybe regret, but I didn’t care, not anymore.
Out of the corner of my eye Steve leapt up and his punch landed on my face before I was even aware of what he was about to do. “You’d lay hands on me, boy? Come on, Jake, let’s go.”
I touched my tongue to my lip, tasting blood, something feral and ugly clawing inside me as I started toward Steve. He wanted a fight, fine. I’d be fucking happy to give him one.
“Don’t you dare,” Kayla spat, leaping between us and glaring at us in turn. “Don’t you two start on each other.” She put her hands on our chests and nudged the both of us apart. “Both of you get a grip.”
Tony stepped forward and grabbed Steve’s bicep, leaning in to whisper something to him. I didn’t even bother to wait around and find out what it was. Next thing I knew I was out the door, running. Who needed friends anyway? They either sat around and judged or became targets. Either way, I wanted nothing to do with it, nothing to do with them.
Behind me I heard them shout my name. I ran faster, the walls flying by me in a blur of color and texture. I ran the entire way back to my dorm, my chest burning, and locked myself inside. I didn’t need anybody.
MY FRUSTRATION overwhelmed me. I could feel Jacob. He was so damned close and he was hurting. His pain lashed out at me, tearing into my psyche. The epiphany I had in the warehouse was a mockery now. I couldn’t do anything. The Ascended blocked my efforts with damning ease.
If only I could reach him. Then what? What would I do? Follow him around like a ghost? Reassure him that I was okay? Say goodbye? None of those options were palatable. I wanted to be with him. Simply that.
Our time had been so short and neither of us had been given any peace during it either. If it wasn’t the Syndicate hounding us, it had been my degeneration, though I suppose I really should say evolution. Though at the moment it didn’t matter how powerful I was, not when I wasn’t in control of myself.
I couldn’t see Jacob and the whispering unintelligible voices of the Ascended drowned out his thoughts until all I was left with was his pain, ripping at me. I was trapped by those who I was a part of now, but who also avoided me, as if I carried a taint. The double isolation was keen.
Then my prison walls changed. Instead of nothingness, I now stood amidst the vastness of the universe, a multitude of stars around me, below and above, some bright and strong, others flickering out of existence. The Ascended were gone, their voices mute. The new silence was deafening and far lonelier than my mere isolation had been.
I concentrated my psyche on taking form, nebulous as it was, of how I used to look. Did this mean I was free? Were they finally letting me go? Hope dawned as I stretched out my awareness, searching for Jacob. My connection with him had become tenuous as well, barely a wisp of emotion.
Again, I was blocked, and the anger that whipped through me frightened me with its immensity. I wanted to shriek out all my fury, storm and rage until everything around me lay in ruins. Again and again I hurled my thought and will against the invisible adamant tethers, searching for a weakness, some flaw I could exploit so I would have voice and means to retaliate.
“You have no concept of the power you have at your fingertips. You can do anything and, like an ignorant babe, you will destroy without thought of the consequences. Your blunders could have erased your very existence from the fabric of time.”
Next to me, my old Mistress appeared, as hazy and wan as I was. I remembered her now. I remembered everything from the moment the Ascended seized me. She was the one who kept beckoning me back in when I was almost free. Once again, she was the instrument of a change I did not want.
“What would have happened to your precious Jacob if he had never met you?” she asked, looking around at the vista spread out before her, though I sensed every bit of her attention was on me.
“He’d probably be much happier.” The thought was crushing, though true. I wouldn’t be plagued with his torment had I never interrupted his life with my own problems.
“What about Kayla?” my Mistress persisted. “Would she have submitted to the perversions of her father if she hadn’t known of you?”
“Don’t pretend as if you care about them. You don’t!” I snarled, turning to face her and meeting her calm gaze.
“No, but you do.”
Her matter-of-fact tone cut through my fury and I laughed sardonically. “Jacob used to accuse me of manipulation, but I learned it from my Mistress.”
“We’re trying to teach you responsibility, Kristair. Your old life is over with. Jacob and Kayla’s existence is only a wink of an eye. In the grand scheme of the universe, they don’t matter.”
Fine. If she wanted to discuss philosophy, then we could argue it as long as it got me what I wanted in the end. I could play scholar to her teacher. I’d had enough practice at it. “What is our purpose then if nothing matters?” I asked, my voice as emotionless as hers. “Everything has to have meaning or else nothing does. Isn’t that what you once taught me?”
“Knowledge, Kristair. You’ve always enjoyed learning, though you were as stubborn about it in Rome as you are being now. There’s a whole wealth of knowledge that you have barely tasted waiting for you: other dimensions, whole civilizations come and gone. We could spend our eternity studying and still not touch the surface.” For the first time, something almost passionate colored the threads of her words.
“That doesn’t answer the question, Mistress. If we can do anything, then why don’t we? We have the power of gods and you want to merely sit back and watch as things unfold?”
“Why must you always question me? And cease calling me Mistress. You make a mockery of it, and such titles have no meaning here.”
I paused, mulling over her words. In the beginning she had insisted I call her Mistress. I had always done so, but with an undertone of derision, even after we had reached somewhat of an accord. And when she had asked me to use her given name I refused. I suppose it was my own petty way of revenge. However, now that the tables were turned once again and I was forced into a position of subservience to her for the second time, I could not refer to her as Nerissa.
“I don’t like being pushed into a corner, you know that. Yet it’s the tactic you like to use on me. You also were the one who taught me the value of questioning, of not taking things at face value, and looking for the deeper meaning.” I grinned. “I’m only following your teachings.”
“We suppose we must acknowledge your point, though you would’ve argued anyway just for the sheer joy of vexing me.”
I shrugged and the distinctly human gesture of it reminded me of those I’d left behind. “And your answer?” I prodded.
“Balance must be maintained, child. Everything we do must shelter that balance. That is why we exist. That is our purpose. Balance is the key to nature, whether it’s destructive or constructive.”
I laughed, the sound rich with contempt. “Our very existence is an imbalance, Mistress. From the moment we’re created as vampires we’re an aberration of nature, living beyond the span allotted us, preying off of other life. Now that we’ve evolved we’re even more unnatural. We threaten the balance if what you say is true. Therefore shouldn’t nature call for our destruction?”
“Nature probably would if we didn’t keep ourselves in check. I have no doubt we would be destroyed. That is why when we were vampires we were careful about whom we fed from and how much. We were careful to remain quiet.”
“Not all of us.” Some enjoyed the thought of the lifestyle too much, wallowed in it, destroying without care. Ones like that were quickly destroyed, either by other vampires whose territories they encroached upon, or by the bands of humans who hunted them down. “But, I concede your point.”
“You should’ve realized that not all who join our ranks were once vampires. There are psychics, sorcerers, beings from places long since turned to dust. Anyone who has trained their mind and will enough to have earned the right to become one of the Ascended. You would know this if the boy had not blinded you. That is why you must give up your connection to your lover. He ties you down to emotions you no longer need. They will cloud your vision and judgment. Jacob is holding you back.”
She stepped forward and laid a hand on my arm. “It’s not that we’re without sympathy, Kristair. You’re in a situation none of us have ever dealt with before. When we evolved, our earthly cares fell away with the destruction of our bodies. Your body isn’t completely destroyed. It lives on in Jacob, and that has to end.”
I knew she was only speaking the truth. I sensed the difference between myself and the other Ascended and sensed their distaste for the havoc my presence brought them.
It should be easy to sever the link between myself and Jacob. In his mind I was already dead. He was young. In time he would heal and move on. And Kayla was strong; I had no doubt she would thrive. As for myself, well, once the last tie was gone I would be free in a sense. No more worries or cares pressing upon me. In my new state, thoughts of Jacob and my former life would merely be another curiosity to observe. I’d had an inkling of what it would be like before Jacob’s pull had separated me from the Ascended. In its own way it had been glorious. A life I would’ve quickly embraced at another time, before Jacob.
I don’t know why I couldn’t let go. That life was over with even if the ending had come too fast upon me. When I had been created as a vampire, I had found it hard to let go then too. Not this much, though. To turn away from Jacob and what we had seemed a travesty to me. To remember him, but not be able to recall the feeling of loving him, the wealth of emotion between us…. To turn my back on it and give it up would be like turning my back on him. Even if he would never know I had, that was something I couldn’t bring myself to do.
All of that aching pain came rushing back in: the longing to be with him, the need to tell him I still loved him. My Mistress stepped back, removing her hand from my arm, an expression of baffled distaste crossing her hazy features. I wrapped the pain around me, savored it and let it remind me who I still was, despite what I had changed into.
“Mistress, I understand the reasons why you say I have to give him up. I do understand.” That was the screwed-up part of it all. Here I was stuck in limbo and more likely to do myself and the Ascended harm. And it wasn’t as if I had a real choice in the matter. I had already changed. One of the few absolute truths I’d learned was one could never go back. Right now I just couldn’t accept it.
“Yet, you’re going to continue to fight us, every step, as you did when I turned you and you had to give up your human life.”
“You always did know me well.” It was a relief to have her understand even though it wouldn’t stop us from battling each other. “If I had had my epiphany a couple of months earlier than I did, things would be different.”
I paused, studying her with almost pity. “You don’t remember what it’s like. You can’t as you are now, without emotion. I will admit, what you offer is very tempting: unlimited knowledge, the chance to study and observe for the rest of my existence.” The possibilities made me hungry for it, answers to all the questions I’d had, to be a part of a whole that was similar to me instead of seclusion. I would still be on the outside looking in, but not alone. Never alone again.
“Only the cost is too high. Maybe if I had succumbed to the same ennui that happened to so many of us toward the end of our lives. I never really understood that. I always thought it was laziness on their part, content to merely exist instead of looking for something new. There is always something new to explore, but I suppose it made the change easier to bear.”
“That is why you belong with us, Kristair. You are a seeker, a questioner like the rest of us. You are finally home,” my Mistress persisted.
“Knowledge isn’t the only thing I’ve sought.”
“We know. We’ve watched you, both when you were under my care, and after I’d changed. Then you were afraid of being alone, yet you isolated yourself too. The logic escapes us now as it did then. Just as your refusal to merge with us now makes no sense. You’ve experienced the joining with the whole. You know you’ll never be alone again.” If she had been my Mistress of old, her frustration would be almost palpable.
I smiled. “That’s because logic had nothing to do with it.”
I thought of Jacob and everything he had given me in our time together, his complete trust, his loyalty, and how he had the unique ability to draw me out from behind my walls. It was rather difficult to hold myself back when he fiercely fought every barrier and knew when I was trying to put one up. I ached with the memories. Being with him had been a true joining and, for me, the Ascended could not begin to compare, despite what wonders they offered.
“You cannot understand, Mistress. You, with all your wisdom, your knowledge, this is something you can’t ever hope to comprehend, no matter how much you study. You may have evolved into something higher, but you lost a piece of yourself in the process.”
“Every birth is painful. And you don’t have a choice whether or not you’re going to be born; it is thrust upon us all. You know that. The same thing happened when we became vampires and you enjoyed your existence as one. You reveled in it.”
“Eventually, I did.” In truth, I hated more where I was taken, so far from home, so different. I hated that more than I did becoming a creature of the night. Becoming a vampire had opened me up to my true potential and, perversely, I could see how I was holding myself back from something more once again. But matters were different this time.
“Without change we become stagnant and wither,” my Mistress continued. “Some never survive the first stage and at each rebirth there are fewer of us who go on. That is the way of things, the way of nature.”
“Darwin would’ve loved this conversation,” I murmured. “So is this the end then? Or is there another life awaiting us?” I couldn’t imagine there being anything else, but then, before I’d become this new entity, I hadn’t been able to imagine this life either.
“You know we’re not permitted to tell you that.”
I hid a smile at her prim tone. It meant she didn’t know, and not knowing, wondering, rankled my Mistress. “I know, but I had to try.”
“Come, Kristair. Now that you are truly awake, let us show you what this life can give you.”
The easy camaraderie I was beginning to have in my Mistress’s presence fell away as my suspicion returned full force. “I am not going back into that prison you’ve all been holding me in.”
I grabbed a hold of Jacob’s fury and pain and hurled it at her mind, all of it with full force. In her moment of surprise, the bonds around my mind weakened and I tore free from her grip, forming a picture of Jacob in my head. The world blinked and I found myself staring at him, no more than a foot away from his face.
If I had breath it would’ve frozen. He was here, really here right in front of me. I wanted to weep. If I still had the capacity for tears they would be falling, endless rivers of sorrow coursing down my cheeks. Only I had no eyes from which to cry, no outlet for my grief. Nothing.
Still, I reached for Jacob with phantom fingers. Or at least tried to, and was met with the same barrier that had prevented me the last time I’d attempted to make contact with him. I couldn’t remember when it was—time had no meaning where I was—but it couldn’t have been long ago.
Jacob stared at me, or to be more accurate, right through me. Shadows darkened his once summer-bright eyes, circles marred the finely etched skin below and spoke of tormented nights where sleep proved to be elusive. Jacob, mo chroí. As I had no eyes to shed tears, or hands with which to touch him, I also had no lips to speak, so my lover didn’t hear me.
Instead, he turned from the mirror and headed out of the bathroom. Panicked, I followed, terrified of losing sight of him and having him slip away yet again. I reappeared in the reflection in his window. There was a familiar reassurance to watching Jacob from this vantage point. I used to perch for hours on the other side of a pane of glass similar to this one as he slept, or ignored me, or tempted me, depending on his mood or how exhausting his day had been.
Jacob paced his room, muttering under his breath and clenching his fists. I couldn’t read his mind; either he or the Ascended kept me from that final link. Nor could I read his emotions, not like how I used to, but his frustration and upset reached across to me, even without the link.
He sat down on his bed and grabbed one of the books littering its surface, pulling it toward him with a notebook and pencil. His brows furrowed as he bent over his work. Within moments the pencil found its way between his lips, and he gnawed absently on it as he read. The familiar gesture filled me with longing.
Just to be able to sit beside him as he studied, to respond to his occasional comments or gripes, would have been a blessing. To distract myself, I looked around the room I found myself in. It wasn’t Jacob’s old apartment. There was no iron fire escape behind me, merely a long fall to the ground. It looked to be one room with no connecting bath, smaller and more cramped than his old place.
Late into the night, I lingered as he worked with dogged determination on whatever assignment it was he was doing. Several times his phone rang, but he ignored it, only the clenching of his jaw to show he’d heard it at all. It was so much quieter than the past when either Tony or Steve would barge in at one point or another. Jacob’s door was shut, instead of open as he used to have it so he could talk to whoever was in the living room or kitchen at the time.
It almost seemed as if Jacob had locked himself in a self-imposed cage.
Tony. I had forgotten about him. Oh, how his memory must haunt you, Jacob. I wondered what had happened to the boy. Everything had been so chaotic when the Ascended claimed me. I didn’t know what happened to him or Steve. One had betrayed him and the other had been threatened with harm. Which brought to mind, I didn’t know what had happened to Kayla either; whether or not she’d been hurt that night and if she was doing well now.
It hurt to think Jacob and Kayla might be all alone now. Well, not entirely. I knew my daughter well enough to know that she would attach herself to Jacob, whatever he had to say on the matter or not.
Jacob sighed, his shoulders slumping. Damn the entire lot of them for keeping me away from him. I watched with impotent fury and helplessness, wanting to run my fingers through Jacob’s unkempt hair and pull him close, as he shoved his books and papers onto the floor and shut off the light.
In the darkness I could see him lying back, staring up at the ceiling and brooding. I hated it. Jacob didn’t brood. He sulked, he got angry, he threw fits and then got over it. He had changed. There was suppressed anger in every line of his tense body. I could sense it despite our severed link.
Wait, that couldn’t be right. It couldn’t be entirely broken or else he wouldn’t have been able to reach out to me with his pain. Unless Jacob had learned some new tricks. Oh, but if I was right, if a thread still remained…. Hardly daring to hope, I reached out with my thoughts, chaotic emotion playing a madcap dance in my mind, and encountered yet another wall.
Seething, I walked out of the window, disappearing and reappearing in a frame on his desk. Jacob was so close, had I form, I could reach out and brush my fingers across his cheek. I snarled. I was so damned close. The barrier was thin, some spots weaker than others. I struggled to pierce through, throwing myself at it again and again, sensing victory when he stirred and his face turned toward me.
Then my world turned topsy-turvy as I fell end-over-end only to reappear in the window again. Stunned, I watched Jacob lean over the side of the bed. Then he straightened and replaced the picture on his desk. He glanced around the room, his brows furrowing before slowly laying back down, his tension stronger.
Perhaps I wasn’t as powerless as I seemed. Maybe if we both reached out to each other…. I raised imaginary fists, prepared to pound them against the window. Jacob had seen enough odd occurrences; he might just take it as a sign instead of becoming scared. Instead, at the gentle rattle I managed to produce, he merely wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and curled up on his side.
I had watched him fall asleep many times and it never failed to amaze me how quickly he could drop off. It didn’t matter how upsetting his day had been or how much there was on his mind. Jacob could fall asleep anytime, anywhere.
I waited until I sensed his dream consciousness and then pushed myself out to merge with him as his defenses lowered. Jacob’s dream wrapped around me and enfolded me within its colors and nuances of emotion. I lost myself in the wash of abstract and disjointed thought. Even here during his sleep, he was still tormented.
It was a struggle to not allow my own frustration to take over and influence Jacob’s fragile balance. He was walking a razor-thin edge between crushing depression and self-destructive rage. The wall he had erected against the seething morass on either side was a thin veneer at best, but somehow he clung to his façade of calm with dogged stubbornness and kept the insanity at bay.
“Jacob, mo chroí, I’m here. Please, talk to me.”
The images in his mind froze and my lover’s heart picked up speed, thundering in his chest. He stirred, sheets whispering against his skin as he rolled over onto his other side and curled up even tighter. His shields battered at me, trying to force me out of his mind. If he had conscious control over such skills, he would’ve been able to do so with ease. It seemed that what he had learned in the months since my passing hadn’t been limited to pushing his body to its limits. His mind had grown as well. It seemed that all the barriers between us were not only those created by the Ascended.
It was hard to wait until he had settled down again. I didn’t want to scare him out of his wits, or make him think he was going insane, as unsettled as his emotions were. I considered waiting until he was awake to try to contact him again, but then immediately rejected the idea. Too crazy. No, it was better to introduce the idea now.
I caught the thread of his dream and began weaving my way into it. Bit by bit, I unraveled the tangled skein of his emotions, becoming the warp and weft until I became a part of the whole. This time when I intruded on his thoughts, he didn’t try to shove me out. What he had been dreaming about scattered away as I built a different illusion, one of us naked in his bed, the sheets tangled around our waists. We lay there, our heads on the pillows, arms casually draped across each other, and just looked. I found that now that I was here and he was accepting me I couldn’t speak.
My eyes caressed Jacob’s face, the lines of weariness around his mouth, the way shadows lingered in his eyes, clouding their usual crystal-blue clarity. I moved my hand, cupping his face, and then slid it into his hair.
Jacob’s eyes closed and his mouth tightened. Sorrow etched the lines deeper in his face and I moved closer, gathering him into my arms and pressing his head down onto my shoulder. He was stiff, holding himself apart, his mind terrified that he was about to break down and lose all sense of control that he still had. My hand caressed his back, silently urging him toward the release he needed. Bit by bit, the tension started to ease from him.
“Jacob, love, it is all right. You can let go. I’ll be right here to catch you.”