MY WORDS had the opposite effect I intended, and Jacob jerked out of my arms. My mind reeled as his dream ended abruptly and I found my focus shifting from lying in his bed in the dreamworld, to occupying his mind once again.
Jacob’s breath came in harsh gasps as he ripped the sheets from around him and lurched out of the bed. He gripped his hair in his hands, cursing in an intelligible stream. His mind was in chaos, his emotions tearing at him, ripping new holes into his already damaged psyche. I tried to reach out to soothe him only to find myself shoved back and blocked again.
If he’d just let me reach him or if the Ascended would just give me my natural abilities back, I could help him. I knew I could and the frustration of not being able to ate into me.
Jacob stumbled out of his room and across the hall into the bathroom. I recognized the dorms now and couldn’t fathom how he’d ended up back here. He’d been so proud of the fact that he was on his own, worked at a job he hated so he could do it. What would have possessed him to give that up?
My lover trembled all over as he turned on the water in the shower and stepped inside. At first, the cold sting of it against his skin made us both gasp. Then the water soon became scalding, stinging rain and Jacob slumped against the wall, making no effort to step away or turn the faucet to a more comfortable temperature. It was almost as if he was doing it on purpose, inflicting some kind of self-imposed punishment upon himself.
I couldn’t make sense of his thoughts. Either he was suppressing them out of a conscious effort or he was so far gone tonight he couldn’t think straight. His emotions dragged him down. Flashes of rage were directed at himself, then at a shadowy figure lurking in the background, and then much to my surprise, toward myself.
I didn’t know what to make of that. Then, as his shoulders began to shake, it all fell into place. I’d deserted him. And not only had I left him, but I’d also initiated our relationship thinking at the time that I was dying. I’d let us get so far into it, become so close, there was no hope of us remaining detached, not when our minds and souls were as one. No, I’d given him all that. Opened up a new world for him and then abruptly snatched it away with my disappearance.
“Ah can feel ya, but I can’t hear ya. And then other times fuck, ya talk, but it ain’t you, just yer memory talkin’.”
Oh, Jacob. My conscience bled at the sound of his despair. I’d been incredibly selfish and shortsighted. The depth of his agony renewed my determination to get through to him. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, stand by and let him continue torturing himself in this manner. I needed to find some way of returning to him. How could he move on into another relationship after what we’d shared? I knew that, were our positions reversed, I never would be able to. Who else would be such a part of me as Jacob was?
A harsh sob startled me out of my caustic reflections, so it took a moment for me to register that Jacob was crying. It seemed so out of character for him, but after the first one escaped his throat, another sob quickly followed, opening a torrent of raw emotion that battered the both of us. Jacob punched the tiles several times then sank down to the floor of the shower, his body shaking harder, wracked with anguish.
I was torn. My conscience said I should leave him in peace instead of intruding on a deeply personal moment. Jacob wouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of me watching him break down. I wasn’t invited, even if I was the catalyst for his tears. At the same time, I wanted to pull him into my arms until the storm had passed.
I cursed the Ascended for putting us in this predicament and even more so for not giving me the tools with which to aid him. I couldn’t hold him, I couldn’t kiss him, and if I spoke I might be giving him false hope, only to have it destroyed when the Ascended took me back if I didn’t find a way around my new fate.
Jacob muffled the sounds in the crook of his arm and, as his crying jag continued, the urgency to interfere gradually eased. The storm was violent, with dark emotions pummeling the both of us until we were raw and bleeding. Only, I sensed that it was a much-needed release and, though the wounds were open again, maybe this time they’d be able to heal cleanly.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but the water had grown cold. Jacob shivered both from the chill and the release of tension he’d stored in his body. My lover had sunk so deep into his mind and sorrow that I doubted he would notice anything amiss if I took steps toward contact.
It took all of my concentration to find a small hole in the limits the Ascended had set on me, but it was enough to grasp the shower faucet with my mind and shut it off. Jacob didn’t even stir and there was no indication that his upset had woken up anybody else in the dorm. I don’t think his pride would be able to handle knowing someone had seen him like this. Not when his psyche was so brittle.
I settled down to wait him out. I wanted to implant the suggestion to find warm, dry clothes, but he’d become so mentally adept I knew he’d notice that interference. I wanted to speak, only I was sure it would only spur him to kick me out again. He wasn’t ready to believe that my voice might be real. I suppose I couldn’t blame him. In his reality, I’d died months ago.
All too soon the tension started to return to him as he recovered from the shock of what had just occurred. In dismay, I listened to his dark thoughts start to reemerge, and with each one, the rage grew. Gory images of intended personal revenge toward the Syndicate shocked me with their brutality and cold-bloodedness. They shouldn’t. I’d been a warrior my entire life and had seen worse, but somehow, coming from Jacob, it seemed dreadfully wrong.
Then the images switched from fury to guilt as Jacob lashed at himself with them. Pictures of Tony being dragged into the coffin meant for me while Jacob stood by and let it happen. And then came a whole cascade of fevered imaginings of Tony being tortured and of his parents crying at a funeral, Steve turning away from him. On and on it went.
“Oh, mo chroí, don’t do this to yourself.” I had to say something. His ongoing cycle of self-flagellation had to stop. I sifted through his memories of the past couple months and caught onto the truth he kept ignoring. “Tony isn’t dead and you did try to help him in the end. Torturing yourself won’t change the past.”
Jacob jerked back his shoulders, slamming them hard against the tiles. I used his shock to grasp his mind before he could evict me again. This was too damned important. Before I could speak again and lend him further reassurance, my lover dropped his head into his trembling hands.
“I’m going fucking crazy.”
“No, no you’re not. I swear to you, you’re not. I’m not completely gone.” One day I would find a way to return to him permanently.
This night had to have the most surreal quality for him and I decided that we should try again another time, when he’d be able to process it more. Jacob was dazed and lost; arguing with him right now wouldn’t help. “Get up, Jacob. Dry yourself off and go to bed. Things will seem different in the morning.”
He whimpered, childlike, and fisted his hands in his hair. “You’re not real. You’re not real.”
“Go on. You can argue whether I’m fact or fiction in the morning,” I urged even softer. After a moment, he rose stiffly and stripped out of his clothes, leaving them in a sodden heap on the bathroom floor.
“Get back to your room and get some clothes on. You don’t want to get sick.”
Jacob was still shivering from a combination of chill and shock. He slung the towel around his hips, muttering something about not ever getting sick again, and grabbed up his sopping clothes.
Once he was back in his room, he dried himself off with mechanical motions, rubbing hard against his skin. I sensed his hope that the friction would prove to him that this was a dream or not. I was able to talk him into tugging on a pair of sweatpants. Then he sprawled back on his bed, covering his eyes with the crook of his arm. It took even more prodding to get him under the covers.
Then I switched my awareness out of his mind to hover beside his bed so I wasn’t watching from out of his eyes anymore. The sight of him huddled, so lost and young, ached with painful clarity.
Before I realized it, I had reached out with phantom fingers and brushed back a lock of hair that had tumbled across his forehead. Jacob’s eyes closed tightly. “I thought you were gone again,” he whispered.
I don’t know how I had broken free of the injunction set upon me by the Ascended that had kept me from touching him, but I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity it afforded me. I laid my presence down behind Jacob and wrapped my arms around him, pressing against his back. “Sleep; it’ll all be clearer in the morning, when you’ve had an opportunity to rest.”
“I don’t want to wake up. Not if it means this was only a dream.”
“That is not a worry for right now, mo chroí. You’ve given yourself no surcease. Please, Jacob, do you trust me?” I shifted up and kissed his temple then laid my head against his shoulder, soothing my palm up and down his arm.
“Always.” His response was immediate and fervent.
“Then put yourself in my hands and rest. Let me hold you. Whether you feel me or not, I am with you.”
Jacob sighed as his body relaxed by slow degrees, his shivers tapering off. I held him close, listening to his breathing as it evened out to the steady, low throb of his heartbeat. I waited until he had completely drifted off, savoring every second of my contact with him even though it was on a limited scale. We had shared, in a way that had not been possible in such a long time. I steeled myself, knowing he might not remember it in the morning, and if he did, he would probably dismiss it as a dream. It was a start and more than we’d had before tonight.
This time, when I sank into his subconscious, there was no anger, no guilt. The deep scars he’d carved into himself were being soothed by a deep contentment. I allowed it to lull me into a state of similar ease. We drifted together, linking more intimately than we ever had in the past, neither thought nor emotion clouding who we really were. It was almost as if our souls had now truly become one.
When Jacob’s dream started, it drew me in as well. This time there was no sense that I was intruding, no attempt by him to kick me out. We wrapped ourselves around each other, closed our eyes, and indulged in what we’d both been wishing for: the chance to hold each other and to be together once more.
This was well worth whatever fight I had to put up in order to keep it.
“KRISTAIR, WHEN are you going to put that boy out of his misery?”
I hissed as Jacob and his room fell away to find myself once again back in my prison. It took all of my self-control not to lash out at the Ascended surrounding me. I must be getting stronger, or more aware, because now I could make out distinct psyches among the mass.
Bit by bit, I regained my self-mastery, building up my wall with the sheer force of my convictions. They couldn’t keep me from seeing Jacob; they couldn’t keep me from contacting him. It was all a matter of time, wasn’t it? And for once, time was something I had in abundance.
“If you would return me to where I belong then he will be tormented no longer!” The words came out in a near roar as my frustration threatened to overpower the fragile control I had gained. “I don’t belong here! You know this. It’s why you choose to isolate me. Let me go.” A great weariness settled over me. The same words were said over and over again, on both sides with no progress being made either way.
“It is you who needs to let go.”
There it was: their eternally echoing ultimatum. Had they gone so far into this dimension of existence that they no longer cared what went on elsewhere? I could have almost laughed if I wasn’t already about to splinter into a thousand shards. No headway, on either side.
The urge to give up pressed in on me from all sides. It would be so easy, for the both of us. It would be so easy. I would forget my feelings for Jacob and then he would be able to move on, without fear of changes he didn’t understand, to move on and find someone new.
I stiffened in fury. “LEAVE ME ALONE,” I snarled, shoving back the oppressive minds that threatened to suppress my will. They fell back with frightening ease. My rage continued to grow and power surged through me. It was their entire fault. If they’d only left me alone, then none of this would’ve happened.
“That’s true, Kristair.” Her voice came again and gave me pause. “If we had left you alone, you wouldn’t be going through this self-torture, nor would your lover.” Before I could rejoice and press my point, my Mistress continued. “Nor would you have met him, but the changes that happened to you would have still occurred. They didn’t come about because of our interference, but because of the way you trained your mind and your will. We merely sought to guide you and ease your passage. You still would have evolved and Jacob would still have been left behind, with no knowledge or memory of you. Only your daughter would’ve mourned, yet there would have been no preparation for her. One night, she would’ve gone to look for you and never found you.”
I paused, my fury stilling as the cold truth sank in. They were not at fault, as much as it made it easier to blame someone, to have something to fight against. If I were to think rationally, which I had done little of since I’d heard Jacob’s call, I’d cease fighting. Our relationship would’ve been difficult enough as it was with me being a vampire and him being a human, but now it was all but impossible.
My thoughts were carved of ice as I considered the matter from all angles, forcing down the emotions that threatened to cloud my judgment. I’d let defeat and weariness color my mind and sensed them closing in, the circle growing tighter. “Unless the connection is reversed, I will continue to feel what Jacob feels and it will affect my reactions,” I warned, and the presence drew back.
“Then you must sever it, for the good of you both.” My Mistress’s voice was as devoid of emotion as my own had been. “You are the only one who can do it since you set it in motion and magic has its own laws. Since the rest of your race is dead, only you have the innate ability necessary for such a task. Each individual’s thought is unique, so one of us cannot erase something that has already been initiated. We can only try to mitigate the damage and make what repairs we choose.”
I nodded. So there were some limits in what they could and couldn’t do. Good. No matter how much will was put behind their desires, they couldn’t go back and make it so I had never met Jacob or never done the ritual. Though whether it was because they really couldn’t or more a matter that they dared not screw with time didn’t matter, just as long as they didn’t. That was good to know. If I continued to refuse, they were helpless, but I didn’t want to push them so far that they’d opt to take care of the problem in another way. But how far would they go in order to keep me as one of their number?
“I’ll need to be present with him and reopen the connection before I can reverse it.” It was difficult to keep my emotions on an even keel and, as I sensed them pick through my psyche, I knew the decision to do so had been a good one. They would be suspicious of any strong displays. “The magic of my people requires a close bond and harmony of thought. Jacob will have to be aware of me and what I intend for it to work. It will take a bit of time to reestablish that bond after so many months and upheaval.”
They were mistrustful. Darkness battered at my mind as they continued to probe, looking for a loophole or trick I might be trying to play. “How long?” They asked.
I considered the months I had hunted Jacob, working tirelessly to create the bond, to connect with his thoughts and emotions before I had deemed it satisfactory enough to work. It wouldn’t take nearly as long this time, not with it already being somewhat in place and certainly not with the way Jacob felt. What would take longer was getting my lover’s cooperation. He would not agree, not at all, not if he thought there was some chance we could be together on some level, no matter how small. On that, we both agreed. It would be a hard-fought battle.
“What does time matter to you? Several weeks, months. It matters not how long it takes.”
My Mistress laughed. “We are not simple, Kristair. We know what game you are playing with us. You still seek to circumvent your fate.”
“What if I do? It doesn’t change the truth. You want me to be free of him and I say to do so I need this time. You know I am not lying. He has to agree to the ritual. It won’t work if he holds on.”
The silence stretched out as the Ascended considered it, weighing my words and intentions against each other as I suppressed all hope to keep them from sensing the feeling. Even if I could be allowed to interact with Jacob for a short time, it would be something. Somehow together we’d find a way around my recent change or attain some kind of closure. Either would be better than the terrible limbo we were stuck in now.
“You have two weeks.”
I froze, stunned beyond belief that they had relented even that much. Two weeks wasn’t long, but it was far more than I had before. My mind raced as I tried to tie up the loose ends and questions before they released me. “Once I reverse the spell, the remainder of my corporeal body will be destroyed?”
“That is correct, and your soul will rejoin with your mind instead of unnaturally existing in two places. You’ll be whole again.”
That, however, was entirely a matter of opinion. How undamaged could a person’s soul be if they felt nothing? I recalled some of my recent conversations with my Mistress. No, the Ascended weren’t entirely devoid of emotions; they were just in complete control of them, their minds ruling all. Once my heart was destroyed there would be no going back, no more fighting. The idea made me very uneasy.
“What restrictions are you going to put on me?” I was no fool, there were always limits, and since they considered me enough of a danger as it was, just as long as they didn’t follow me every second, and they afforded me some privacy, I could work around their rules.
“Your consciousness will be locked within Jacob’s form since that’s the vessel you chose. You will not be able to move between time and space. Where he goes, there you will be as well. You can choose to project yourself so he can see you or so he can feel you. Not both at once. What you choose to tell him is your own affair, but bear in mind there are some concepts he isn’t capable of understanding.” There was a pause. “And this is only between you and Jacob, and only for the purpose we set you to. Do not use this reprieve as an attempt to connect with Kayla again or to set other mortal affairs to right. Only he will be able to connect with you.”
I pondered over their strictures. They were both more than I hoped for and still not enough. I was greedy. I wanted to hold Jacob, not just occupy a corner of his thoughts. He could see me or feel me but not at the same time. At least he’d always be able to hear me. Two weeks. Such a short time in which to share everything I wanted to share, to convince Jacob to let go if I didn’t come up with an alternate way for us to be together.
“I understand.” Excitement spiked before it became muted by sorrow and fear. So soon and we would be linked again. The very weight of it, the anticipation, overwhelmed all thought. What was I going to do? What was I going to say? As much as I wanted them to release me this very moment, I knew the two weeks were going to pass quicker than either of us would be ready for. It hurt that I wouldn’t be allowed to contact Kayla though, and seemed unnecessarily unfair. If anyone would understand the limits and oddity of it all, it was her.
“If you are ready, we will send you back now.”
“No.”
They seemed a little startled at my vehemence and when my Mistress spoke there was an undercurrent of amusement in her tone. “We thought you were anxious to see your Jacob again. Why do you delay now? Do you seek yet another way to thwart your destiny?”
“For me to reverse it, I need Jacob’s cooperation, and that might take some fast talk and hard arguments on my part.” I smiled inwardly. “Mo chroí is more stubborn than most.”
“In another time and place you would’ve been well suited to him.”
“We still are, despite the circumstances.” I considered the problem, again trying to quell my excitement. “Leave me be. Let me think on it.” I drew my thoughts and emotions in on myself, blocking off my connection with Jacob so I could think clearly and isolating myself from the Ascended. They pulled back, leaving me to my privacy and, for the first time since Jacob’s pull had separated me from my companions, their presence seemed less of a prison and more the community it should have been.
Two weeks. Mo chroí, why does it seem like we never have the time we both desire?
I WOKE up, my eyes gritty and muscles sore from having slept too hard and too heavy, yet tempered by a deep sense of peace. Kristair was no longer with me. I wasn’t sure if he’d ever really been there or if I’d finally cracked, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit if I had. Last night had been so strange, so unreal, and remembering it now, it was very cloudy and mixed up. It didn’t matter how much I thought on it; it still seemed more fantasy than reality.
I wanted to linger in bed, roll over and see if I could capture my dreams again, but a new sense of purpose drove me from the bed. I found my clothes in a damp heap on the floor so I knew at least that part of it hadn’t been a delusion. The nagging headache also told me I’d lost it and bawled like a freaking baby.
Scooping the clothes up, I tossed them into a hamper and quickly got dressed. I wasn’t ready to deal with Steve quite yet and the sun was streaming through the window, so I’d have to wait before I could talk to Tony. But, I knew right where to find Kayla. Probably best I started with her anyway.
The walk to the cathedral didn’t take long. Even if she was in class, this was where she always came in between them. In Kristair’s office. Her office now, I should say. Bet the university hated that, having Kristair’s library in the hands of an undergraduate student. Picturing their expressions of arrogant dismay had me grinning. The expression seemed almost strange.
Kayla’s eyes widened in surprise when I walked in. I hadn’t been back up here since I’d retrieved Kristair’s torc from his burned-out rooms. It had been completely renovated; Kayla had made it her own. Old maps hung on the wall, matted and framed, some of countries long since gone. The desk was less utilitarian than Kristair’s had been, made of gleaming hardwood, and a fancy computer took up most of the top.
“Before you say anything I want to apologize.”
Kayla tilted her head. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know honestly. I’m better, I think, or I just might be going crazy. Either way, I’m tired of that damn rollercoaster I’ve been on. I can’t take it anymore, for myself or for you either.” Kayla was dealing with her own shit and she didn’t need me bringing her down anymore with mine.
“You’ve certainly seemed hell bent on losing it lately… but you seem different today.” She rose and came around the desk. “Come on; we can talk in the library. No one will disturb us there.”
I experienced a warm rush of pleasure as I stepped into Kristair’s old haven, and not entirely my own either. That little section of my brain where Kristair’s presence lingered almost hummed. For myself, I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to come back to this place.
Kristair’s spirit lingered in the rows upon rows of bookcases, some locked and some containing artifacts other than books. The sense of his presence struck me, more here than any other place. I wasn’t sure if it was because this had been his legacy or because of what had happened last night. A quick glance at Kayla’s expression told me I wasn’t the only one who felt it, though.
“Do you think he’s gone? I mean really gone?” I asked.
She closed her eyes, a quick rush of sorrow crossing her face, but when she opened her eyes again, her gaze held acceptance, almost peace. “I didn’t used to think so. I held on thinking one day I was going to come here and he was going to be sitting right at that table or puttering through the shelves. He could spend hours here and did so many times,” she said, her voice lost in the warmth and comfort of memories.
“When did it change? For you I mean? When did you start thinking he might be really gone?” I walked over and slung my arm around her shoulders.
“The other night, when I got his letter.” Kayla moved away from me and ran her fingertips down the leather spine of a book. “We had made emergency provisions for this library when I started school here and I put them into effect when you came back last spring and told me he was gone. But now I have the paperwork guaranteeing everything in here is mine. I suppose I should get a lawyer. I’ll find one in a couple days when I’m a bit steadier.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to say that enough. I know I’ve put you through the frickin’ wringer with my attitude all these months.”
She cast a glance over her shoulder, warm and loving. “Attitude doesn’t even begin to describe it, hotshot.” She hesitated then gestured to the table. “Sit down. We need to talk.”
I pulled a chair out for her at the table then braced myself for whatever was coming. There was something else in that paperwork Kristair had left for her, something that had to do with me. I reached over and took her hand. “Out with it. I can take it.”
Again she cocked her head and studied me, then kind of nodded as if she had come to a decision. “He left some things for you too. A house in town and half his savings.”
I stared at her, appalled. “No way, Kayla. That’s yours.” I couldn’t take it, even if I wanted it, which I didn’t. I couldn’t in good conscience accept such a thing.
She shook her head and let her gaze drift over the shelves again. “I have everything I want here in this room. As for the money, he’d set up a trust fund for me years ago. That will be more than enough to keep me secure without the additional half. So it’s not like you’re stealing anything. It was Kristair’s money to begin with.”
“But the house—isn’t it the same place Kristair raised you in? Don’t you want your own damn home?”
“God, no.” I blinked at her insistence. She was serious. “Bless Kris for trying and he was a good father to me, but that place was too lonely. I was by myself all day and I only had so much time with him in the evenings. I mean, he stayed with me all night and he tried his best, but it never really felt like a home. For either of us.”
“But school’s going to be over in the spring. You’re not going to have the dorm. What do you plan on doing then?” I argued, not ready to back down. That was her place. I had no business taking it, even if she just sold the thing.
“I have some property of my own, some land Nerissa owned. Kristair had a townhouse built there and put the deed in my name years ago. I could always go there if I wanted to, or maybe go to grad school, or travel. I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.”
It didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t sit well at all. Hell, to be honest, I hated it, and my lover had known I would’ve too. I wanted to earn what I got, not have it handed to me. As for Kristair, well, he had to take care of what was his and I couldn’t argue with him about it, and the bastard knew that. From the look on Kayla’s face, I knew I wouldn’t be able to argue with her either. Her mind was made up and she was far more stubborn than her father was.
“I don’t like it.”
“I know you don’t, Jake, but look at it this way: it was his last wish.”
“Damn, girl, you’re as good with the arguments as he was.” It still hurt. The idea of a will made the reality of him being gone so much realer. Was that even a word? For once Kristair’s voice didn’t correct my choice of words. I sighed. Maybe all I’d have of him was his voice lingering in my head and dreams of us together as I slept, but at least I wasn’t entirely alone.
“Does that mean you’re not going to give me any grief?”
“I think I’ve done enough of that already.” Besides, it didn’t mean I had to use the money. I could save it for her kids or something or maybe a house for my mom instead of that dinky little trailer of hers. I’d think of something.
“What changed, Jake? Something happened last night. You’re different.”
I shrugged. “Maybe I decided to listen to you after all.”
“As much as I’d love to believe you now recognize my natural wisdom, I don’t. Something happened. Steve tried to call, you know, to apologize. I don’t know what happened with Tony. He disappeared right after you, and Steve was rather upset about everything. He was sorry even before I sat him down and had a talk with him.”
For some reason that image put a smile to my face. I could only imagine Steve’s reaction to a lecture from a white girl who only came up to his shoulder. Kayla’s features may be delicate and those dimples would always throw me off, but she was almost more forceful than my Ma. I almost wished I’d witnessed her telling Steve off.
“Don’t worry about it. It was just as much my fault as his. We were just blowing off some steam. Guys do that.”
“Bullshit. You know what Steve’s biggest problem is? He feels guilty too. And just like a man, he’s taking it out on someone else instead of dealing with it. And you are letting him get away with it instead of just talking to him!”
I glanced at the exit. Somehow I got the impression Kayla was just warming up to her lecture, only it didn’t seem half so funny now that I was on the receiving end. “What’s he got to feel guilty about? He ain’t done nothing.” Her observation surprised me. I knew my friend took things too seriously, but not so much that he’d beat himself up over something I’d done.
“Jake, when are you going to drop the ain’t?”
“When it stops annoying you.” When Kristair’s voice in my head stopped correcting me.
Kayla rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath. “The point is Steve wishes he could’ve done more and not just for Tony, but for you as well. I guess he thinks of himself as an older brother to you two idiots and he blames himself for what happened.”
“That’s stupid. He shouldn’t be taking that shit on himself, big brother or not.”
“He also hates it that you don’t confide in him anymore.”
“Really?” That gave me pause. Kayla nodded. “Well, he doesn’t make it easy. I mean, he blames Kristair for everything and I don’t have the energy to defend him all the time, you know.” It was damned frustrating.
“Actually, I do know.”
“You would.” I gave her a small smile. “Okay, I’ll talk with Steve later. I promise. I owe him an apology anyway.” Not for keeping that last secret, but I shouldn’t have lost my temper the way I did. It never should’ve almost come to blows between us.
“Thank you.” She patted my hand and smiled back with that impish twist to her lips.
“Before I go, there’s something I need to tell you. I don’t know if it’d help explain things or not. Before Kristair… before he left, he finished that ritual of his people’s. You know the one we talked about. The one where he left his soul behind in me.” At least that was how I understood it.
“I kinda figured that. You’re different. Not quite the way you used to be, yet not quite all Kristair, but like a combination of the both.” She paused and when she spoke again her voice was troubled. “Though there were times when I swore it was my father’s voice coming out of your mouth.”
“Must’ve been hard on you.”
She shrugged. “I’ve learned to live with it. I just don’t want to lose you, Jake. As annoying as you can be, I kinda like you.”
“Thanks, I think.” I laughed then sobered.
“You don’t understand what it’s like to carry that.” I shook my head, feeling the weight of it once again. Only this time I was determined not to let it drag me down. “I can hear his voice, commenting on things I’m doing, pointing out things he’d learned, trying to guide me. Some of his memories have become my memories to the point sometimes where I can’t remember which ones belong to who without stopping to think about it. Sometimes I forget who I am. And when I hear his voice, but he’s not talking to me, you know… it cuts all over again. And I’m changing, in all kinds of little ways. I can’t hold onto anything anymore. I have no control and it’s scaring the shit outta me.” I forced myself to stop. Damn, I hadn’t meant for it to come out all in a rush like that. I’d said more than I’d meant to.
“Oh my god, I had no idea.” Kayla linked her fingers with mine. “Is there anything I can do to help? I can look at Kristair’s old journals. Maybe there’s some way of breaking the spell, or at least lessen its effects.”
“Actually, I don’t want to, at least not yet. Maybe later, but for now I’m not ready to let go of that last link with him. Funny thing is, if you’d suggested it yesterday, I would’ve jumped at it.”
“What happened last night?”
“I don’t know how to explain. It was different from hearing his voice. It was like he was really there, Kayla. Like we were linked, the way we used to be. He was hurting for me, missing me too….” I trailed off and shook my head, remembering my breakdown in the shower. “He helped me to let go of some of the stuff I’ve been carrying around. Hell, he practically forced me to do it.” Then he’d held me afterward. I couldn’t be mistaken about the way his arms felt around me. If it had only been an illusion, if I was just losing my mind, it wouldn’t have felt that good, right?
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“That’s a first,” I teased.
“You really must be feeling better.” Kayla threw her arms around me and gave me a hard hug. “I don’t know whether you’re the luckiest or unluckiest bastard ever.”
“That makes two of us.” I glanced at my watch. “I’ve got to go, babe. I’ve skeeved off my classes, but I have a doctor’s appointment I can’t miss. I’ll call ya later.”
Kayla rose with me and brushed a kiss over my lips. “Thanks for coming by.”
“You’re welcome, trouble,” I said, tugging on a lock of her hair.
“Oh, you’re impossible. Get out of here.”
I CALLED Steve on my way to the doctor’s office. He picked up on the first ring and I clamped down on the immediate prick of guilt. I spoke as soon as I heard the click, before he got a chance to say hello. If I was going to spend my day apologizing, I wanted to get it out of the way quick. “Look, Steve, I wanted—”
“Forget it, man. We were both asses.”
“So we’re cool?” Another knot of tension unraveled.
“Yeah, we’re cool, bro. You’ve been honest with me ever since your boy landed me in the hospital. Sometimes, I forget that. And Tony told me he asked you to keep your mouth shut.”
“Actually, I was coming over last night to tell you anyway. I promised Tony I wouldn’t say anything until after he met with Ussier, no longer.” I couldn’t help but wonder if Tony would’ve let Steve know at all if I hadn’t forced his hand. Now that was one thing I didn’t feel guilty about.
“Where are you now? Want to meet on campus for lunch?”
“Can’t. I have to get another physical for Coach. He thinks I’m either on drugs or hiding an illness, so he’s benched me until I meet with his own physician.”
“That sucks. I can kind of figure where he’s coming from. Not that I think you’re using, but he’s a sharp man. He knows something’s up with you. Think the physical will get him off your back?”
“I hope so. It’s worth a shot at least.” A warning sensation trickled up my spine, raising the hair on my neck, but when I glanced around, I saw nothing. It was a gray day, clouds scudding low and dark. Even with the lack of sunshine, there was no way vamps were out today. Still, some instinct warned caution. “I have to go, but I need to tell you something real quick. I doubt Tony had the time last night.” I ran through the conversation with Ussier and of the blood spell Lisabeth laid on us to keep Tony in line.
Steve let out a string of violent curses, so I waited until he’d vented some of his frustration. “Is there anything you can do to reverse it?”
I started to say no then paused. Was there? Maybe Kristair would know. He had some of the hoodoo knowledge. There were so many of his memories filed away in my head. I didn’t even try peeking into most of them. I had too much to deal with as it was, without opening that Pandora’s box. “I don’t know. I’m not quite sure how magic works, but maybe. It’s an idea to think about.”
“You do that and maybe we can all get together tonight and put our heads together. My place, though, ’cause Kayla’s is too small. Makes me feel like an idiot.”
“And too pink and lacy,” I added. “I’m afraid to move in there. One of these days I’m gonna break something. Then she’ll kill me.”
“There’s that. You think Tony will come?”
“I can guarantee it.” I glanced at my watch. Damn, I was going to be late if I didn’t get moving. “You get Kayla there and I’ll get Tony. What about your roommates?”
“They’re not going to be there. Some frat thing going on, so we’ll have the place to ourselves.”
“Awesome. Grab some beers too.” Despite the situation, I was kind of in the mood to celebrate a bit. This would be the first time we were together, really together, since the night Tony came home from his short disappearance. If only he’d confided in us about what had happened to him then that whole night in the warehouse could’ve been avoided. He didn’t know though, I reminded myself. He didn’t know Kristair wasn’t hurting me. And none of us could’ve guessed what it would lead to. “Steve, I’m going to tell him about what Kristair left in my head. He doesn’t know anything about it, thinks I’m completely normal.”
“You sure about that, man?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. He needs to know.” The funny thing about trust was sometimes you had to take that leap first before someone could trust you in return, and I was going to make that leap. Ussier would probably cuss me out, but I didn’t care.
I hung up the phone and darted across the street just before the light changed. Since that was taken care of, the nerves regarding my doctor’s appointment hit again. This had to go well.
“Okay, Kristair. I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but let’s make a deal here. No crazy shit, for the next hour. Just let me get through my appointment and then you can make your heart do flips if you want to. I’m just asking for this one hour,” I said under my breath and hoped no one on the street thought I was talking to myself.
There was no answer, but his heart remained silent in my chest as well so I took it as a confirmation. Otherwise, I’d drive myself crazy worrying and probably drive my blood pressure up so bad the doctor would commit me to the hospital.
Once again, that prickle of awareness hit me. I was being followed or watched, I just knew it. Only this time there was no way I was gonna lead them down an alley to take care of it. I fingered the gun in my pocket, hating its presence there. Whoever it was could wait to bug me later on, hopefully when I had backup.
I glanced around the street once again, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, just a whole shitload of people going by on their own business. And any one of them could be crazy. Didn’t matter, though; they could stare at this building all afternoon. I reached my hand out to enter the building holding the medical offices and another mind grabbed a hold of my own, shoving my presence into a corner, and took over my body.
Just like what Kristair had done to me, only this wasn’t my lover. My heart kicked into high gear.
Stunned, I watched myself turn away, heading toward a sedan with tinted windows that pulled up in front of the building. I could sense eyes boring through me from the other side of that dark glass. Snarling, I fought, tearing at the bonds in my head, trying to dig my heels in so hard that I stumbled as if drunk. People averted their eyes and quickened their pace as they walked by me.
“Fucking A! Motherfucker no! Get outta my fuckin’ head or I’ll blow your fuckin’ brains out!”
I struggled to pull the gun out of my pocket and Kristair spoke up. “Trying to shoot in this state is not wise.”
“THEN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
“You know what to do. It’s all in your head,” Kristair whispered. “The eyes, Jacob. The eyes are the window to the soul.”
The doors to the car flew open and two men got out, taking me by the arms and leading me to the back door. I fought harder, snarling in rage in my head, and panting as if I were running a goddamned marathon.
“Hurry! He’s too strong,” a young girl’s voice cried out on the edge of some extreme emotion.
They shoved me inside next to the girl, whose face was pale, lines of stress around her eyes, her mouth pinched in pain, and sweat dotting her brow. Her gaze punched right through me, a living creature. HER! I lurched toward the girl, felt a part of my psyche pierce through her eyes into her, and then a presence in my mind ripping. A presence that didn’t belong there. She screamed, a high piercing shriek that made the bones in my ears rattle. Then something sharp pierced my leg, a needle, and a gray fog rolled in.
“MO CHROÍ, you have to burn the medicine out of your system. Hurry. You have to wake up. It’ll be dark in a few hours.”
“Wha…. Kristair? What’s happening?” I couldn’t hear him clearly, though I knew it was him. I concentrated on pushing back the fog that seemed to have me snared within its tendrils. As it began to clear, my other senses woke up. I was sitting on a hard chair with my hands cuffed behind my back.
Both hearts began to pound in my chest. Fuck! What was I gonna do now? I kept my head down, my eyes closed, somehow managing to keep my breathing even. “Kristair?” I held my breath and prayed, straining for an answer. I couldn’t have imagined his voice, but, once again, I was met with only silence.
I was on my own.
I could do this. I didn’t need anyone. Suddenly my world lurched and tilted, spinning me over onto my side. My eyes flew open with a gasp and I lifted my head. What the fuck? I was still in my chair and the room was empty. I was losing my mind; that was the only answer. I had gone over the fucking edge. My own heart was still beating a rapid cadence in my chest, but Kristair’s had calmed down, settling into an even, almost sleeping, pattern.
Taking several deep breaths, I willed my own to do the same and studied the room. The floor was unfinished concrete and the windows were high and small. It must be some kind of basement. There was a chill in the air and the light outside was rapidly fading. The room was lit with a naked bulb and it reminded me of a b-movie setting. One I was not anxious to star in. There didn’t seem to be any cameras set up to watch me, but I wasn’t taking any damn chances. I needed to get out of there before they realized I was awake.
I tugged on the cuffs, but they were threaded through the chair back. I might be able to break the slats, but that would mean I’d have to use Kristair’s abilities.
Fuck. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a goddamned conspiracy to make me use them. Well, if I did, I did. Now wasn’t the time to get squeamish.
I tugged on the cuffs then pulled until they cut into my wrist. Where the hell was that stupid strength and speed Kristair had given me now that I really needed it? Using it on instinct was one thing; trying to work myself up to it deliberately was something else entirely. What if I was wrong? What if I couldn’t really use it? I could hurt myself trying and end up alerting the bastards who took me to the fact that I was awake. Even worse, if I used it on purpose, could I shut it off again? Or would that door remain open forever?
Voices approached the door, so I immediately dropped my head, pretending to be asleep. There had to be at least four of them, but I seemed to remember the girl screaming like she was hurting or something before I had blacked out. When the door opened, I had to force myself not to tense up.
Those fuckers made me miss my damned appointment. The urge to lash out at them and make them pay was strong.
“Is he still asleep?”
“He’s out cold.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m fucking sure. He hasn’t moved since you tranked him. Maybe you gave him too much.”
“Didn’t you see what he did to Angie? I’m not taking any chances.” The voices came closer and, through slitted eyes, I saw a pair of sneakers stop in front of me. My fingers ached to tense into claws, but I held them still. I’d probably have one chance to break out of here and I wasn’t about to blow it. If they drugged me again, I wouldn’t wake up until after dark, and then my chances would go from fucked up to I might as well bend myself over and beg for the dry corn-holing I was gonna get.
I started to think of all the reasons why I was pissed. Maybe I couldn’t try on purpose to break the handcuffs, but if I worked myself up to a really good mad, I could use that. Kinda like the Hulk. After all, these were the same assholes who took over my mind and that really made my blood simmer. And they were the fuckers who’d made me miss my doctor’s appointment, and there was no way my coach was gonna believe this story. My gun was gone, and if something happened to me, Tony was going to pay the price. Then I realized that my throat felt oddly light.
Those trifling motherfuckers had stolen my torc! Choking rage boiled up inside. I swear to god, if I didn’t find it, I’d kill every last one of them.
“Get the syringe. I’m going to give him another half-dose just in case.”
“But Ted said he had an idea to keep him in line if he woke up.” My blood turned to ice even as the other figure came all the way into the room, though he seemed reluctant. Smart guy, because when I got my hands on him I was gonna hurt them both. “What if it sends him into shock or something?”
“It won’t. He’s a jock. They’re used to being juiced up on something. The man will be here at dusk to get him. I’m not taking any chances until then. Will you hurry up?”
When the man in front of me half-turned to face the other, I exploded out of my chair. There was a momentary pain at my wrists as the links between the cuffs broke, but that disappeared as both men shouted. Fuck, please don’t let there be more than the four in the car. Two here, maybe one taking care of that psychic freak, but all I could do was concentrate on the two here and hope to take them out before reinforcements arrived.
I leapt over the chair as the guy in front of me took a swing, and charged the guy with the syringe. He lifted it as if he was going to stab me and I caught his wrist, twisting it around, and injected him with his own shit. “Take that, asshole,” I snarled.
He staggered as I let him go, but I was already turning to meet the other guy who was rushing at me. “Russell, get your ass in here,” he shouted.
Fuck. More of them, but at least it was only the one. I ducked under his blow then rushed him, jamming my shoulder into his chest and stomach until we collided against the wall. “Fucking bitch!” I snarled, backing off, and began pummeling him with my fists. He got in a few good blows himself, but I barely felt their sting as fury took over.
I wanted to kill them, could almost taste their blood on my tongue. I needed to hurt them, to see them suffer. I pulled myself back from those dark thoughts before I could give in to them. I was human, not some monster.
Some instinct had me ducking and rolling out of the way, and the guy I’d hit with the syringe cold-cocked his friend with the chair I’d been sitting in. As his unintended victim crumpled to the floor, I met his dazed look and grinned. “Thanks.”
He took a stumbling step back, but before I could deck him to finish the job, he slid to the floor as well. “Well, that was no fun,” I muttered, nudging him over with my toe.
“Why don’t you try me?” a voice rumbled.
I glanced over at the door and groaned. The guy was huge, at least twice my size if not more. Hell, I would’ve recruited him for our team if he wasn’t so butt ugly. “Well, aren’t you a big Samoan-looking motherfucker. The buffet is around the corner; sorry.”
“Bring it, pipsqueak.”
“Why don’t you come get me?” This couldn’t have been one of the guys who nabbed me. I would’ve remembered somebody this big. Probably couldn’t fit in the car so they’d left him behind. “Or can’t ya fit through the door?”
I angled my body and half-crouched as his face darkened and he came through the door at me in a rush. Fuck he was quick, much quicker than I would’ve given him credit for. He was halfway across the damn room before I had a chance to process it. I dealt with guys just like this every day on the field. I could handle him too.
Cursing, I tried to dodge out of the way, but he caught my arm and whipped me into the wall. The breath left my lungs at the impact, leaving me gasping for air. He caught me before I recovered, wrestling me toward where they kept the drugs.
Get home. I had to get home. The stray thought flitted through my brain.
Screw this bullshit. I wasn’t playing their games anymore. If they wanted me they were gonna get all of me. Pushing the possible consequences out of my mind, I tapped into my inner reserve and shoved. It was even easier now to unlock those abilities inside me. The guy flew across the room and I pounced on him again as he landed. The blood in my veins was a furious fire. Snarling, I picked him up and he screamed. Everything in me cried out for his blood. Kill him. Bite him. Tear him to shreds.
Shuddering, I pulled back. “What are you? Jesus, what the fuck are you?” the guy stammered, his eyes huge.
I landed a good one on his jaw and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. I let him slump to the floor as the second guy who’d gotten knocked out by his friend started to stir. I went over and put him back to sleep too. That animal instinct inside of me told me to finish them off—they knew too much—but I yanked myself back from the edge.
I wasn’t that far gone. At least not yet.
GET HOME. Get home. Get home. I don’t know where the urgency came from. It was there in every beat rushing through my veins, propelling me onward. It was so strong I found my steps turning toward campus before I realized my direction or where I was in relation to home.
Dusk was falling swiftly, bringing with it a bitter chill and the hint of coming snow. As the first flakes began falling, I couldn’t help but be charmed, despite my situation. Snow was nonexistent in Louisiana, and even though it seemed to snow all the time in Pittsburgh and was balls cold, it never got old.
Before I left, I had tied the three idiots together and somehow managed to wrench the cuffs off of my wrists. Now I tossed the remnants into a garbage container in the alley. There had been no sign of Angie, or the other guy who’d driven the car. At least I’d managed to find my torc, which now lay safe again around my throat. Russell had been packing so I took his gun and managed to recover mine as well. I almost tossed it with the cuffs, but something told me it might come in handy later on.
Now I had this sudden overwhelming desire to be back at the dorm.
Glancing at the sky, I began to walk faster. I might have waited too long. It was getting darker every second, and who knew how long it would take for the vamps to get active? Gloaming. That’s what Kristair would call this time of evening when the senses began to stir and the day stood at a crossroads. It worried me that I hadn’t heard one little peep from him since I’d woken up handcuffed to that chair. Not one comment or piece of advice, not one sigh or mutter.
Not wanting to ponder the implications of his silence, I pushed my thoughts back to the scene I’d left. If Kristair were awake in my head he would’ve had things to say about me leaving them, especially the big dude, knowing what they knew. Ussier would probably kick my sorry ass. I didn’t plan on telling him.
The Syndicate would soon know something had gone wrong. I just hoped they didn’t realize I wasn’t exactly human anymore. I don’t know how I could hide it anymore, not after what I’d thought I’d done to Angie. There was nothing I could do to change that and I didn’t intend on adding cold-blooded killings to my conscience. It was heavy enough.
Still, there were other ways to delay them and maybe add a final “fuck you” to the whole screwed-up situation. Not to mention if I could get some corroboration for what happened this afternoon, Coach might be inclined to believe why I’d missed my doctor’s appointment. I pulled out my cell phone and called a number I’d gotten way too familiar with in the past year.
“Detective Aderson,” the cop’s smooth voice answered. I handled him better than his partner, who always seemed to be disgusted to deal with me.
“Detective, it’s Jake Corvin.”
“Mr. Corvin, what brings you to call me? I would’ve thought you’d be sick of talking to us by now.”
I was, but these guys somehow knew all about this whole other world I was a part of no matter how hard I tried to stay free of it. They had some kind of truce with Ussier. As long as bodies didn’t pile up or too many people didn’t go missing, they didn’t try to make war on the vamps and the vamps left them alone with the things they knew. For all I knew they probably helped each other out.
“Yeah, maybe, but I thought you might want to take a ride to check something out.” I rattled off the address where I’d been held. “I was out running errands and they yanked me into their car, drugged me up with something. I managed to wake up before they expected and knocked them out. I left three of them tied up back there.”
“You do manage to get into no end of trouble. How is it you’re always in the thick of things?”
“Tell me about it. It’s a skill.”
“Tito and I will check it out. Come down to the precinct later and give a statement.”
I grinned in relief. His partner would’ve made me come now and lost the bastards in the process. Not to mention that the urgency to get home was so strong it was a fever under my skin. I wanted something familiar around me, something sane and safe.
“Yeah, I can come down sometime tonight.”
“You have any idea why they wanted you?”
Oh, I’m sure there were reasons, a whole damn list of them. But I wasn’t positive they were working for the Syndicate. And since I was pretty sure I hadn’t pissed anyone off lately, I didn’t know who else it could be.
“Haven’t a clue. I left there not five minutes ago, but they said something about waiting for nightfall. So that only leaves one thought in my mind.” Uneasiness stirred in my gut. What if these cops didn’t have a deal with Ussier? Was I stirring the pot, getting them worked up over things better left unsaid?
“Where’s your protector? Isn’t he going to want to take care of this situation?”
I clenched my jaw. “He’s gone. Besides, I don’t want them hurt. You understand?”
The cop’s voice softened. “I understand. Will I be able to reach you at this number?”
“Yeah, it’s my cell.” I hung up and debated for a quick moment what I had just put into motion, and then decided it was the right thing. Whoever kidnapped me had been human and I’d rather have other humans deal with them, even if they’d been working for the vamps. At least then it wouldn’t be an immediate death sentence.
I followed up with a quick voice mail to Tony so he’d have it when he woke up, which should be soon. Then I gave in to the urgency churning within me and ran, faster and faster until the world blurred by on a rush of fierce exhilaration.
AS I unlocked the door to my dorm, such a profound sense of relief swept through me that I almost sank to my knees. Home. I was home. I pushed inside and my heart stopped. It literally stopped dead in my chest then gave a single painful lurch.
Kristair lay in the center of my bed naked, his long legs drawn up and tucked in close to his body. His forehead touched his knees and his arms clasped around them. He was still, both his body and mind at peace, almost as if waiting to be reborn.
I couldn’t move, dared not blink. I just stood there, staring like a fucking idiot. Waiting for him to disappear, waiting for the illusion my fucked-up crazy head had conjured to fade and leave me alone. But it remained, Kristair continuing to lay there looking so damn real, so solid, it broke my stuttering heart all over again.
“Kristair.”
I breathed his name and approached the bed, sinking down onto it beside him. Hesitantly, I reached out a hand, pausing just before touching him, my heart pounding in my ears. It was so real, he was so real, yet it couldn’t be possible.
My lover stirred, his head turned toward me, his long, dark lashes fluttering open. He smiled. A slight tugging of his lips as his eyes warmed. “Mo chroí.”
“Oh mah god, Kristair.” I leaned over him to throw my arms around him and let out a little yelp when my hands went right through him. I almost fell flat on my face. My heart, which had started beating again, stopped once more. “What the fuck?”
Kristair sat up, sorrow flickering in his gaze. Oh god, I felt him. I felt him inside like I used to. Felt his emotions wash over me, his need to touch, sensed the same fear in him that I carried. This wasn’t a dream. Somehow he really was here in some screwed-up way.
I scrambled from the bed, trembling all over. This was way too much, too close to what I’d had, too much of a mockery of our past. I was going crazy. “What are ya? Some kind of ghost?”
“No, Jacob, no ghost. It’s me.” He rose as well. Unsure of what was happening, I backed up when he took a step toward me. “Close your eyes.”
“What?”
“Trust me, mo chroí. Close your eyes.”
They stung, but I did as he asked and sensed him approach. Oh god. Then his hands framed my face. “Keep them closed,” he whispered in my mind before his lips closed over my own.
Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around him, felt the strength in his body as we came together. This time my mind wasn’t clouded with a dream and I wasn’t in the middle of a major rock-bottom meltdown. He was here and I could taste him, I could smell him. My senses reeled it was so real.
I opened my eyes, overcome with the need to see him as well. As soon as I did, the sense of his body against mine, the sensation of his kiss against my lips immediately disappeared and my arms fell through him. “Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck, man?”
I was losing it. I was seriously fucking losing it.
But Kristair stood there, looking as solid as I was, such sadness in his eyes that it eased my frustration. “I’m so sorry, Jacob. But they placed restrictions on my return. You can see me, but not touch me, or you can touch me, but not see me. Never both at once.”
“What?” I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, not him being here, or in such a screwed-up manner. I had walked into a nightmare. “You’ve got to be joking, Kristair. Who the fuck makes up rules like that?”
“Sit down,” Kristair urged, gesturing toward the bed. “We have much to talk about.”
Stunned, I did as he said, once again sensing our connection flow between us. It was so achingly sweet, so painfully beautiful, that I almost couldn’t bear it. Kristair started to ease back and I shook my head, grabbing a hold of the connection and holding on as hard as I could. “Don’t.”
“You’ve gotten stronger.” Kristair’s eyes roamed over me, locked on my face as if seeing me could somehow feed him. “I have a great deal of explaining to do, so much to go into and very little time to get it all together.”
“You’re leaving again!” I shouted, jumping up from the bed. “No! No, ya can’t.” I didn’t know if I could live like this, with him only half here. My brain chose that moment to give my emotions a good swift kick as if to say, “Think, idiot.” It couldn’t be very different from him being a vampire who ran around at night and whose world I could only be a reluctant part of. I paused. If I thought of it that way, yes, I’d damn well try.
“Not if I can help it.” Kristair’s voice bore the same grim determination as his dark eyes.
I sank back down, unable to tear my gaze away from him. “You’re really here? I’m not just imagining this?”
“I’m really here. I swear to you. I am and you’re not going crazy,” he said, echoing his words from the night before.
A hot, hard lump settled in my throat, making it impossible to talk. “And it was really you last night too? I didn’t dream that?”
“Yes, it was real, though in a much more limited fashion.”
I closed my eyes, stretching out my hand to him and swallowing hard when he grasped it and tugged me into his arms. I squeezed them shut tighter, then buried my face in the crook of his neck. I realized then that Kristair’s heart was still beating within me and had been steadily since I’d woken up from the tranquilizers. He must’ve been here the entire time, asleep and waiting for me.
“I knew you were in trouble, so I came back earlier than I intended,” Kristair said in response to my mental thought.
“What do you mean earlier than you intended?” I glared at him, unable to help myself. “You mean you could’ve been here months ago? Why’d ya wait? Kristair, for fuck’s sake, you know what I’ve—”
He shook his head and lifted his hand, pressing phantom fingers I didn’t feel against my lips until I closed my eyes. Fuck, I couldn’t take this. I opened them again, my eyes burning. “What’s going on?”
“Lay down with me, Jacob, like we used to, and I’ll explain it all.”
Like we used to. Nothing was like it used to be. I was caught in a tailspin, spiraling out of control and heading for a fiery crash. There was something I could cling to if I let myself take that chance.
Sighing, I stretched out on the bed and turned toward him as he lay down beside me. It was crazy how solid he seemed, how real, as if nothing had changed, right down to the scar on his shoulder. There was nothing about him that screamed ghost unless I tried to touch him.
I closed my eyes and traced my finger over the scar. We may not have been lovers for very long, but I knew Kristair’s body better than my own. He wrapped an arm around my waist and tugged me closer. I regretted not getting undressed first so I could feel every inch of him against me with no barrier.
His skin was warm under my palms. I kept wanting to open my eyes to make sure I wasn’t imagining it all, but I kept them closed and held on tight.
Kristair leaned his forehead against mine. “Open your mind. I can’t explain what happened to me. It’s too much. But I can show you, give you an understanding of what it’s been like.”
I relaxed, sensing him take control as our minds merged together like they had during his meeting with the Syndicate. For a brief, glorious moment we were one, existing together. One mind. One soul. Our bodies pressed together, heartbeats in sync. If it had to end, couldn’t it just end right here, just like this?
Then my sense of the world blurred and faded away as Kristair unveiled what had happened since his disappearance in the warehouse. He must’ve held back the full weight of it, but still my mind spun, my psyche buffeted with the overwhelming enormity of what he’d become, what he’d experienced in the many months he’d been gone. I could only taste the edges of it, yet it was still too much.
Then he showed me his arguments with Nerissa, his desire and desperation to get back to me, and the decision to have him sent back to break the link.
“NO!”
Abruptly, I was flung back into my body. The break was so violent that my heart stuttered in my chest. I sat up, my head spinning as I struggled to catch my breath.
“Jacob, are you all right?” Kristair asked with concern in his voice.
“Yeah, just give me a minute.” I turned my head toward him and laid it on my knees. Kristair watched me, a slight furrow between his brows. I couldn’t begin to understand it all, even with Kristair’s memories in my head of those last moments of his argument with those creatures who had once whispered in his head. If I thought things had been unequal between us before, now… now it just seemed damn near impossible that we could make any kind of a relationship work.
And perversely, that made me want to try even harder.
“What are you?”
Kristair winced. “They call it being one of the Ascended. I think some of the more arrogant ones would liken it to being a god, but I don’t hold to that belief. I am what I am, who I’ve always been, only more.”
“Kristair, next time, don’t answer.” I thumped my forehead against my knees a couple of times before realizing that I just wasn’t going to be able to process what Kristair had become. Dating a vampire had been enough of an adjustment. Being in love with what he was now was something else entirely. So I ignored it and focused on what I could understand.
“They want you to end it and you came back to do it, didn’t you? You were going to let me go,” I accused.
“I was trying to work around that. It’s why I wasn’t planning on coming back right away. I wanted to come up with a solution so I wouldn’t have to go back.” Kristair brought his hand up to my hair but this time was unable to ruffle it to make the cowlicks stick up the way he liked so much. “But then you went and got yourself snatched off the street and as soon as you woke I had them send me back so I could help. I didn’t expect them to make me sleep until you returned.”
There was a whole number of uncomplimentary words Kristair aimed toward those whom he called the Ascended on that matter.
“What are you going to do?” I demanded.
What could he do? Even if he wanted to fight them, he wouldn’t be able to hold them off. They were the ones who had caused his change last spring, with all their pushing and prodding, driving him crazy by making him lose control. I seethed. Just let me get my hands on them. I’d give them hell for….
Kristair began laughing, the wonderful sound startling me out of my thoughts. “Oh, I’d missed you so. If anyone could tell the Ascended off and make them listen, it would be you.” He clasped his hands around his ankles, holding back his desire to touch me. His expression told me how much he didn’t like not being able to any more than I did. “They can’t make me. For all their power, they cannot force change upon another of their number.”
“But they can make you miserable and keep us apart anyway.”
Kristair nodded. “As usual, you see right to the heart of the matter. They can do all that and more. They’ve kept me from you all these months. At first they even kept me from sensing you, though that actually might have had more to do with me being overwhelmed at first. It was so huge, all I could do was drift and try to soak it all in.”
“So what are we going to do?”
The rush of tenderness that went through Kristair just about made me hum with happiness inside. I’d missed this, just this, so very much. Maybe we could make it work even if I could only touch him when I couldn’t see him, because it did nothing to dampen our connection. I sensed him just as strongly now as I ever had.
“We will think of something. I won’t give up.”
I scowled at him. “See that you don’t.” I couldn’t deny the need to touch him anymore, to taste him. I closed my eyes and reached for him, groaning as he came into my arms.
“You’re wearing too many clothes,” Kristair complained and dragged my coat off of me, then my T-shirt.
Blind, except for my sense of touch, my lips found his throat and I kissed my way up to lips, kissing him hungrily. I couldn’t get enough. Time wasn’t on our side, but fuck, I swear if I wasn’t inside him in the next few minutes, or him inside of me, I was going to explode. It was like a bonfire had lit up inside of me.
I kicked out of my shoes while Kristair tugged off my jeans with impatient jerks until I was as naked as he. We knelt on the bed, our bodies pressed together. It was like coming off a withdrawal and being consumed with need as we indulged in each other. No matter how much I touched, how much I kissed and tasted and breathed him in, it wasn’t enough. I craved more. I had to have it like it was a basic essential to survive.
“You still wear it,” Kristair breathed against my mouth, brushing his fingers over the torc around my throat.
“Only take it off for showers and football.”
My lover chuckled inside his mind. “Only the important things then.” He cupped my ass in his hands, urging me to straddle him as he sat back on his heels. I was going crazy, his skin scorching as it brushed against mine, his cock hot and hard pressing into my stomach.
“Bite me, Kristair. Can ya still do that?” I wanted to feel that pain again. I had to have it; it would make it so real. Like pinching myself, only better.
He hesitated, his mouth lifting from mine. “I don’t need to feed anymore, not like I used to. The instinct is no longer there.” Before I could protest, his lips slid down to my throat and he licked my pulse point. “But I’ve missed your taste.”
My lover struck so quickly, I had no time to register he was going to do it before his fangs pierced me. I cried out, clutching his shoulders, hissing in pain, almost crying from the pleasure. This was nothing like my dream experience. This felt like it used to, complete with the sense of satiation from Kristair. He might not need the exchange to survive, but he still desired it as much as I did.
I clung to him, shudders wracking my body until he lifted his mouth from me. “Oh god, oh god. Jeezus, screw the foreplay, Kristair. I need you now.” I wrapped my hand around his cock and gave it a squeeze, before releasing him and turning around on my hands and knees. “Fuck me. Fuck me now.”
“Just as demanding as ever,” Kristair murmured. I gasped as I felt the slick head of his cock rub against my entrance. I dug my hands into the blankets and pushed back, my body raging. “Where’s your lube?”
Blindly, I gestured toward the desk. “I can’t believe you’re talking about lube at a time like this. You won’t kill me.” With the way I was healing, I knew he couldn’t hurt me that much either.
Kristair groaned and then his weight was gone from the bed. A few moments later he was back and my breath caught as his slick cock pushed into me, the burning sting so very welcoming. I clenched my teeth and drove back. “Oh fuck.” He was inside me, filling me up, and it was so damn perfect I thought I might die. “More,” I gasped and drove myself back again as he guided my hips.
My lover didn’t say a word. Then again, he didn’t need to. His hands were gentle on my hips, his thumbs brushing my skin in tender sweeps even as he met me with hard thrusts of his own. His emotions rolled me over, swept me under, and I closed my eyes and lost myself in the undertow.
Our minds came together, merged, and I sensed how it felt for him to be inside me so hot and tight, saw the way he imagined how my body looked to him as we fucked. I would have killed to be able to see the expression on his face. I could picture it, though. I’d seen it often enough, his lips parted, desire hazing his dark brown eyes.
“Fuck,” I panted, almost sobbing. “Not enough.” Maybe it would never be enough, not after our forced separation. “More. Jeezus, don’t stop.” Dimly, somewhere, I think I heard my cell ring, loud and insistent until it finally fell silent.
Laughter echoed in my mind. “Good thing you have me as a lover; you’d probably kill a human man.”
“Ain’t I just good for yer ego.”
Kristair stretched out over my back. I savored the heat of his skin against my own as he nuzzled my neck. All of those sweet, tender gestures amidst our heated fucking drove me wild. “You’re good for much more than my ego, mo chroí. I need you. I think I forgot how much you make me whole.”
If Kristair kept talking like that he was going to turn me into a wreck. He’d managed it last night somehow, but I’d be damned if I would allow it two nights in a row. I snaked my hand around to the nape of his neck and turned my head to kiss him. Ours tongues tangled wildly and then Kristair pulled back with a rough curse.
“Don’t you dare open your eyes.”
I cried out as his cock left my body. The sudden aching emptiness was too much like what I’d been through all those months. My eyes flew open and I looked over my shoulder at Kristair, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw him kneeling behind me. “What the hell are you doing?” My body ached, demanding to be filled again, to be used until I couldn’t take any more. “Don’t stop now.”
“You don’t listen worth a damn, do you?”
I laughed and rolled onto my back, sensing that’s where he wanted me. It was so odd to hear him curse. “Language, my love, and you’re always saying something about me.” I closed my eyes, a come-hither smile crossing my lips as I crooked my finger. “Now get your sexy ass over here, before I get violent.”
“Who do you think I learned it from?”
Then Kristair was over me again. I groaned, wrapping my legs around his lean waist and arching up against him. He slid one hand under my back, lifting me higher, and then he was inside me again, driving into me over and over, until it seemed all I could do was hang on for the ride.
As he buried his face in the crook of my neck, I slid my hands down to his ass, feeling the play of hard muscle beneath my fingertips as I urged him on, harder and faster. My cock throbbed between our slick stomachs, the friction making me crazy for more.
“Jeezus fucking a….”
Kristair kissed me, silencing my demands. I kissed him back, plundering the slick heat of his mouth. “If you say ‘more’ one more time….”
If I could have, I would’ve laughed because I knew his threat was idle. I knew Kristair loved how demanding I could be. It didn’t matter if I was topping or not. But I couldn’t because the tension had built to such a fevered pitch inside of me I thought I was going to explode.
I dug my fingers into his skin, clenching hard around him. I don’t know who climaxed first. Fuck, it didn’t matter, because one sparked the other, dragging out the pleasure in long rippling waves.