CHAPTER 28

My New Reality

When we returned from Fiji, with the wedding behind us, it was time to start moving forward and figuring out what I would do with my time. The wedding and my healing had taken up a lot of my efforts, and the media appearances surrounding it all had been a whirlwind.

I started to find that my days weren’t very interesting. I wanted to work, of course, but the nerve pain made me an unreliable employee, sometimes taking over my body for hours in the morning and often into the afternoon. Still, in the months that followed our wedding, I began to grow increasingly aware that the fast-paced, media-infused life I’d been leading wasn’t real, and with the wedding planned and done, well, suddenly, everything stopped. That’s when I was confronted with really understanding my injury and learning to handle it. I knew I had to do something to fill my days and figure out what my next steps in life would be.

That meant my friends became that much more important to me. Those girls by the pool were suddenly everything. I had Chris to look forward to at the end of each day, and I loved seeing him and eating dinner with him, but I found myself relying more and more on them. In fact, there had been a dramatic shift: I had been their strength, especially for one of them, but now I needed them badly to help me figure it all out.

I found that all of them helped. Samantha suddenly had such a calming way with words and situations; that was her gift to me. Britney was always there to talk and kept me company, as some days stretched on and felt endless. Lauren was always that friend who responded to texts in the middle of the night, no matter how much time had passed, and Carly was the one who provided me with the most random laugh over the most absurd thing, always right when I needed it.

That support helped me make some big decisions. I decided to return to doing what I loved before I was hurt: coaching the Wake Shakers, the seniors cheerleading team. They participate in local and state senior games that lead to the Senior Olympics, with all different events, including sports but also acting, singing, and cheerleading. Right after college, I was working with kids in an afterschool program, and these seniors were using the back room of the same facility. I had to set it up for them before I left, and I overheard them talking about needing a coach.

I jumped into their conversation and said, “I’m here anyway, so if you want help, I’m available.”

They took me on. I felt bad because I’d taught them all of their cheers, but then I got hurt. I was supposed to add dance lessons, but I wasn’t able to. They had to scramble to find someone to help right after the accident. Still, I was able to return, and they were excited to have me. It was really nice to know they missed me, and they said that they’d never let me go again.

Since we had a specialized van, I needed to learn to use it. So that became another project for after the wedding. At first it was really helpful for my mother to get me around in it. A small car was challenging. The first time my mom drove me in my van, I was strapped in, but somehow I shifted and tilted and eventually fell back flat. We laughed our heads off. I called moments like that “quad moments.”

Eventually, I had to take steps to learn to drive myself, so in July 2012 I decided to get started. I needed to get used to just getting into the van. The way the van was set up made it possible for me to drive alone, but it was a physical undertaking at the same time. I had to use all of my strength to push my wheelchair up the ramp and into the van, and then getting into the driver’s seat meant using every available muscle in my arms, as well as a slide board. I didn’t have the strength to lift myself, so I learned to slide myself. I had to get used to steering once I was inside, too—and it also required more arm than hand strength. To turn the wheel I kept my right hand wedged between triangulated pins surrounding my wrist, and to apply brakes or gas I kept my left hand on the hand controls. It was completely different than anything I’d ever done. Just sitting there the first time I got in was really scary, and I knew I’d be afraid on the open road. It was nerve-wracking. Add to all of this that I had never driven anything larger than a Honda Accord before the accident, so driving a van felt like driving a spaceship. I knew it was going to be a challenge.

Like everyone else, before I really even got going, I had to struggle my way through the DMV. It was a huge ordeal, and I had to argue with them to obtain my permit. I needed a permit so I could learn to drive with an occupational therapist first, but they repeatedly told me a road test was in order. I made arrangements to meet with the therapist, but I never took that road test. I couldn’t. My car would not be fully adapted until after I trained with the occupational therapist. The therapist evaluated me to see what I needed. I finally made the DMV workers understand.

There was another hurdle, though. I trained with the occupational therapist in her car and it took some getting used to. I had two hours of fiddling around, and then this woman made me drive on the busiest interstate in my region. It was trial by fire, but I pulled it off. After just four hours of one-on-one training, I took and passed a driving test.

I realized quickly that I liked the independence. I would take an occasional trip to T.J.Maxx just to go look at clothes and be girly, but it always took a lot out of me energy-wise. One afternoon, I took a trip to the mall, and while there I rolled by a kid who was clearly intrigued by my chair. I heard him say something to his mom about it.

I stopped and went back and said, “Wanna see something cool?”

He said yes.

I spun my spinners for him, and his eyes lit up.

He asked, “Can I try?”

I said yes, of course, and he loved it. He didn’t want to stop. He finally did and I started to roll away.

He yelled, “Wait.”

I did and he came up and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was a great moment, and I hope it changed that kid’s view of people in wheelchairs or of anyone who might be different. I loved that his mom hadn’t pulled him away. I had started to notice that some parents yanked their kids away from me so quickly. I tried that afternoon to teach at least one kid that we are all the same. I hope, in some small way, I helped to eliminate the ignorance so often instilled.

So I took small trips on occasion, but driving to one place took four transfers, which I learned was exhausting. It meant I had better really want to go somewhere badly to make the trip. Nevertheless, because being so dependent on others was frustrating, getting my driver’s license helped somewhat. It allowed me to more easily visit my girls and some days to just take a ride to get out of the house.

When I first started learning, there was a huge debate between my driving trainer and me. She insisted I should get rid of my manual chair and get into a power chair. I had been adamant about staying in a manual, so it was sort of frustrating and took away from the excitement of the situation. Yes, it’s easier to get up the ramp and to roll yourself in and drive from your chair. But there are basic freedoms taken away when you choose a power chair. I’d never be able to ride in my friends’ cars, because they couldn’t transport the chair, and Chris wouldn’t be able to pop me up and down stairs. I wouldn’t be able to simply be wheeled out onto the beach. So even though transferring to the driver’s seat is more difficult and time consuming in a manual chair, I was never afraid of hard work. I could push, so I wanted to push.

Driving made me feel normal. Cleaning my house did, too, and so after we were married I made an effort to be a typical wife and to provide my husband with a nice home to return to at the end of each workday. Unlike some people, I hated cooking, and that never changed. But I found that after the wedding, and as the media attention died down, I liked the peacefulness of cleaning, so I tried more and more to do things like laundry by myself.