13

Step Aside, Don Draper!

IT’S NOT THAT I’m competitive, per se. I was just absolutely certain I was 100 percent correct. And Garrett was wrong. It probably wasn’t the most efficient for us to be focusing our efforts on two different things, but I didn’t really need him in order to finish this part of our challenge. I had one secret weapon he couldn’t beat: I was a master on the telephone.

I started with the corporate hotline. Most people would bypass this step, thinking it wouldn’t lead to anything helpful. Au contraire. I knew from my days at Mom’s office that even if they couldn’t make corporate decisions themselves, all people who answered the phones had access to someone who could.

I also knew, from hours of fielding the customer service hotline myself, that these poor people were often treated the worst by those on the other end of the phone.

“CoffeeMatch.com. How are you doing today?” The girl on the other end of the line already sounded defeated.

I worked my magic. I asked her how she was doing (it was surprising how many people failed to do this). She sounded like she was about my age, so I joked with her about time differences when I found out she was stationed in Nevada. I told her how much I loved coffeematch.com since I was an advice columnist myself. We chatted about relationships.

(Being good on the phone really isn’t so hard: just remember every person is another human being, and don’t be an ass. Those two things will get you 90 percent of the way in almost any situation.)

“So, what’s up?” she said, almost cheery now. “How can I help you?”

“Well, I love CoffeeMatch so much. I was wondering what their advertising policies are. I can’t seem to find anything on their website.”

“You want to advertise CoffeeMatch? Yourself?”

“Actually, Brenda, I was wondering how to advertise my advice column on coffeematch.com.”

“I think they only work with big companies. But let me ask my manager.”

“Thank you,” I said. “And, listen, if Jake doesn’t ever call you back, you should ask yourself: Is this really what I want out of a relationship?”

She thanked me, and I felt almost as good about helping her as I did making progress on our ad. Maybe even better. I eventually talked to her manager, who then talked to his boss and so on. I eventually discovered Brenda was right: they normally only did advertising contracts with larger companies. But I explained to Michaela Simmons, head of Advertising and Sales, that I was a participant in the AABC, and if I won, I would be very happy to publicly express my gratitude to the companies that had helped me along the way. She finally agreed to a small pop-up ad, which would run three times over the next week.

Bingo.

I sent Garrett a short and sweet text.

I got it.

The response came in a few minutes later.

You did?

It’s done.

The world was sunny. The future was bright. And, once again, I was on the straight path to victory.