Sebastian doesn’t look back.
What was I supposed to say? Instinct has me scanning for Chay. She’ll know what to do. But she’s gone too. The only people left out in the courtyard are a couple of guys from the soccer team I don’t know very well.
I head back inside. None of my friends are on the dance floor and the girls’ bathroom is lacking anyone I might want to find. I keep replaying the last few moments with Sebastian.
Did he think I wanted to stay with Joel? How could he?
I don’t hide behind posts and almost kiss boys I don’t have serious like feelings for.
As my feet begin to ache my heart follows, but at the same time I’m pissed. He’s the one who walked out on me.
To chase a sister perfectly capable of looking after herself.
I finally find Sebastian by the gym doors. His shirt is untucked and his hair is as messy as I’ve seen it. As I approach, he looks up and crosses to meet me. My annoyance drains away.
He stops an arm’s reach away and he’s stiff and awkward. ‘I thought you wanted to comfort your ex.’
I think about pointing out that Joel and I were never actually together. Or that what I thought I felt for Joel pales to nothing compared to the way I feel about Sebastian. But I keep it simple. ‘No.’
He smiles like I’ve given him a present. ‘Want to help me find my stupid sister?’
Looking for Lana? Not high on my list of ways I want this night to end – but if it’s with Sebastian …
‘Let me call Chay. She was supposed to be my ride home.’ It rings and rings but she doesn’t answer. Sebastian is looking at the door.
‘Are you sure she’s definitely left the building?’ I ask as I try Chay again.
He points to the young teacher on the door. It’s Mr Jones from detention and he doesn’t look well. Again. ‘Jonesey reckons she stormed out a minute ago.’
Chay’s still not answering. If she’s on the dance floor she probably can’t even hear her phone ringing.
Our town is pretty safe at night but Lana was angry. I can tell Sebastian’s still worried by the way he keeps glancing outside and checking his phone, but I’m hesitant to leave the school without letting my friend know where I’ve gone. ‘You go ahead.’
‘Once I go out, I can’t come back in.’
He wants me to go with him.
I wobble on the brink of a decision. To stay or to go?
He holds out a hand.
‘Okay.’ I breathe agreement and take a step toward the door but a lifetime of doing the right thing stops me. I hold up my phone. ‘One more try.’
At last Chay answers. She must be outside because I can’t hear the band thrashing in the background. ‘What’s up?’ she asks. She sounds distracted.
I meet Sebastian’s gaze. ‘I wanted to let you know. Um … Sebastian is going to give me a ride home.’
He nods to confirm.
There’s the sound of someone talking to her in the background but I can’t make out the voice. ‘Okay. Bye,’ she says and hangs up.
I blink. ‘I guess that’s it. I’m coming with you.’
Sebastian’s smile wipes away my friend’s strange behaviour. I walk next to him out into the darkness. It’s not as cold as earlier. Or maybe it’s because I’m with Sebastian.
He looks down at me and slips an arm around my shoulders. ‘This isn’t the way I planned for tonight to go.’
‘You had plans?’
I feel his chuckle against my side. ‘Only for you.’
I think more nasty thoughts about Lana. Why did she choose tonight to have a fight with Joel? She went to so much effort to get him to bring her here, I would have thought she’d want to revel in her victory.
‘Where will you look?’ I ask.
He unlocks an old black Camry.
‘Is this yours?’ I ask.
‘It was. Now it’s more a second family car. My parents let me take it tonight because of Lana.’
That explains why I usually see him on foot. And the car seat in the back. I assume it’s Poppy’s.
It is strange to get into a car with a baby seat in the back. I find it hard enough to understand Lana as his sister, but this baby I’ve never seen just doesn’t mesh with what I know of their very ordinary, if private, family.
He starts the car and then checks his phone again. A text has just arrived. ‘One of Lana’s friends thinks she might be meeting someone later.’
‘Really?’ I try to sound casual but I’m not. Despite the cosy warmth of Sebastian’s car, it feels like a bucket of ice has just been tipped down my back. ‘Another boy?’
‘Some guy she’s met online.’
‘Aaron?’
His head snaps up. ‘You know him too?’
The cold feeling is spreading across my skin and filling my belly with a hard block of ice. ‘Everyone is friends with Aaron.’
His green eyes search my face. I hope his ability to see inside me fails.
What has Chay had Aaron say to Lana to make her think she can meet him tonight?
My fingers twitch, wanting to check Aaron’s status, but I can’t with Sebastian so close. He’d wonder how well I know him. He already thinks I’m still pining for Joel.
But the need to know is making my fingers clench on the phone.
I haven’t been online since yesterday. I’ve been busy planning my special date with Sebastian. Too busy to think about a fake boy.
Apparently Chay and Lana haven’t had the same problem.
I think back to Chay’s confidence about a great night ahead. Even more than me she’s wanted to see Lana get what she deserves. What has she planned?
I look up from my phone and Sebastian is staring at me. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Fine. Why?’
‘You’re pale and acting strange. Have you been listening to me at all?’
I force a light laugh. ‘Just trying to think of where Lana might have gone.’
‘But I told you twice. Lana’s friend thinks she might try to get to the city to see this guy’s band.’
‘To the bus station then?’
He starts the car. We have to find Lana at the bus station. The only other way to get to the city without a car is to hike out of town and then hitch. On a Saturday night that’s asking for trouble.
And it could be my fault.
I scan the footpaths, hyperaware of the scenery creeping past outside the window. Sebastian is staring hard at the road and never strays one kilometre over the speed limit. I want to ask him why he’s driving at a crawl if he’s so worried about his sister, but I don’t think criticising him for his driving will help anyone.
I have to do something.
I hold up my phone. ‘I could check where Aaron’s band’s playing?’ I’m logged on before his reply is out of his mouth. There’s nothing obvious about a meeting with Lana on Aaron’s public wall and I can’t log in as him. But there’s information about his band’s gig tonight.
I work out the location and explain it to Sebastian.
His jaw sets. ‘If we don’t find her here or the road, we’ll head there.’ He doesn’t look away from the road but tosses his phone perfectly in my lap. ‘Can you keep trying to call?’
‘Sure.’
I press Lana’s number and listen to it skip straight to messages. Not that I know what I’ll say if she actually answers.
I don’t need to worry. She still hasn’t answered when we pull up at the bus station.
Sebastian is out the door in a moment and I’m not far behind. While I’m in no hurry to see Lana, I can’t escape the fact that I am partly to blame for tonight’s mess.
I round the corner to see Sebastian kneeling next to one of the plastic benches. Lana’s holding her head in her hands. The tremble in her shoulders tells me she’s either on the verge of tears or already crying. I stand back.
It’s only been twenty minutes but she’s no longer the sexy, fiery girl she was back at the school. Her hair is in a tangle and the white nurse’s dress is smeared with dust and grease.
She seems small and vulnerable next to her brother. More like the Lana I’ve interacted with as Aaron.
Until she looks up.
Then she all but snarls. ‘What did you bring her for?’
Sebastian ignores the question. ‘Let’s get you home.’
She stands at his request, but the ice in her expression makes me pull my cape more tightly around me as she trudges past.
‘Thanks,’ Sebastian mouths.
I’m relieved when he directs Lana to the back seat, but uncomfortable knowing she’s sitting behind me.
Thanks to the angle of the mirrors I can see her glaring at me from the back seat as once again Sebastian concentrates on the road. She’s leaning against the baby seat like she’s trying to make sure I see it.
Hello, I know about your little sister.
‘Lana, I’ll drop you home first,’ says Sebastian.
Lana gives up her glaring war with me and gives him her full attention. ‘Mum and Dad will freak.’
His jaw tightens. ‘You think I don’t know that?’
Is this about me or Lana’s state of dishevelment?
The answer comes as Lana performs a kind of magic trick in the back seat. Her small handbag opens to reveal a surprising array of products. Including make-up wipes.
Within a minute her face is clean and free of make-up smears. She brushes her hair, shrugs into a long jacket and the slutty nurse is gone.
Sebastian’s hands are tight on the steering wheel. ‘What the hell were you thinking, Lana?’
It’s something a dad would say. I guess. I don’t have anything personal to draw on but he sounds pissed.
Lana shrugs and her lower lip comes out.
Sebastian isn’t done. ‘I told Mum I’d bring you home, and you disappear to a bus station without telling anyone?’
Her arms fold. ‘I told Macy.’
He shoots a glare over his shoulder. ‘You should have told me. And then I could have said you were mental to go off after some guy you met online just because you fought with Joel.’
‘Aaron’s my friend.’
Sebastian makes a gagging sound at her declaration of friendship. ‘He could be some sixty-year-old sleazebag on the prowl for stupid girls like you.’
I sink further into the seat and push my face against the window willing my cheeks not to burn and my forehead to lose the neon sign I imagine flashing, KATH IS AARON.
This conversation has nothing to do with me.
‘Don’t you think I’d know the difference,’ she retorts. ‘We’ve spent ages talking and I know him better than anyone.’ She sighs. ‘It doesn’t matter, I didn’t make it out of town anyway.’
‘Thankfully.’
‘Like you care. You’re only worried about explaining my disappearance to Mum and Dad and them locking you up for life.’
‘I’m worried about you.’ His soft tone has a ring of sincerity and I can hear Lana squirming in the back seat. Maybe she’s not as immune to other people’s feelings as she seems.
‘I’m not an idiot, okay? I know Aaron.’
‘You think you do.’
As Sebastian slows to a stop in front of a nice double storey with the porch light left on she gives us both one last glare in the rear vision mirror. ‘She’s not worth it.’
I find the door handle. We’re only a few blocks from home. I could run.
In the dark.
My fear isn’t what keeps me still. Sebastian’s hand brushes my knee. His smile is all for me and the intensity of it brings a lump to my throat. He doesn’t even spare Lana a glance. ‘Yes. She is.’
The car door slams.
The screen door at the house opens and a woman’s dark head peeks out toward us, but Sebastian is already driving away.
‘You don’t have to get in trouble for me,’ I say when we’re a block away.
‘That’s where you’re wrong. I absolutely have to get in trouble for you. You’re the only person at that school worth getting in trouble for.’
Me? Ordinary Kathleen McKenny? His words leave me heady but I can’t quite believe they’re about me.
‘I can walk from here,’ I try again.
‘Let me drive you home. Please.’
‘If you insist.’
Knowing he’ll get in trouble for being out with me, I fully expect Sebastian to drive me straight home but he detours past the park. He stops beneath an old red gum tree and I know we’re almost hidden from the road.
This late at night the playground’s deserted. The swings sway with each gust of wind and the wooden climbing frame is a ghost town of turrets and ladders.
I check the time glowing on the dashboard. ‘It’s only ten. Why will your parents be so mad?’
He stares ahead and I watch the expressions play across his features. His brow furrows into a frown of concentration and his jaw tightens as his teeth grind together. And there’s something else.
I don’t know if it’s the angle and the low light but I catch a glimpse of sadness in his eyes.
‘I stuffed up.’ His voice is so low I lean closer to hear so my head is almost on his shoulder. He swallows and I can hear his throat working. He turns to face me then. ‘I completely screwed up everything. Not only my life, but Mum’s, Dad’s … and Lana’s. Maybe hers most of all.’ He sighs. ‘They go easier on her to try to make up for the fact we had to move and take her away from her friends and her life.’
‘Because of you.’
It’s dark and his eyes are shining black pools of pain. ‘Because of me.’
It explains so much and nothing at all.
About why he’s so protective of her, and why he rushes to and from school. It’s probably the reason he can’t play soccer. It explains a bit of Lana’s behaviour. Although it doesn’t excuse her being a complete bitch.
‘What did you do?’
The words come out and hang between us in the small space, entwining with his shower scent deodorant and my sweet body spray. The longer he doesn’t answer, the heavier the silence becomes.
Eventually I cover my face with my hands, unable to bear the agony in those eyes for a second longer.
‘Forget it, I don’t want to know.’ The ache in my chest swells until I think I might pop the black tank singlet I’m wearing beneath my cape.
He reaches out to touch my hand and it sends tingles through to my soul. I hate it. I want distance to get my head around everything he’s said and everything he hasn’t.
‘Want to take a walk?’
No.
I want to go back to the start of the night and maybe hit the dance floor until we miss Lana and Joel’s fight. Then go out into the courtyard, even though half the class was there.
And kiss.
And not be wondering what Sebastian did.
But if I say no we’ll leave now, and I don’t want tonight to end like this.
In answer I open the car door and step out into the darkness. I don’t look back to see whether he’ll follow but the closing of the car door tells me he is. I head straight for the swings. Once my favourite. I take one and he slides into the other. We swing in silence, my cape flying out behind me.
I push as high as I can go. Pumping my legs and leaning back until I don’t know what’s sky or ground or cape. The beat of my heart in my ears drowns out the sound of Sebastian swinging beside me but when I glance that way I see the blur of his white shirt.
He’s not wearing the silly glasses.
And it annoys me that I don’t remember when he took them off.
The rush of flying through the air fades with that thought. It’s another in the freakishly long list of things I don’t know about Sebastian.
I let the swing slow to a stop. The clouds are drifting across the sky, allowing the moonlight to filter through at irregular intervals. The changing light makes me feel for a little while like I’m still swinging. Or maybe it’s the earth spinning beneath my feet that is making me seasick.
I look at last at the boy next to me.
Maybe it’s Sebastian.
He holds out his hand to help me up. I notice the plastic glasses squashed in his pocket and consider refusing his offer. I’ve already given him so much of myself that adding my hand seems one part of me too far. But I want his touch. I need the anchor so I slip my hand in his and let him lever me from the swing.
He pulls harder than I expect.
I stumble forward and the heels on my boots don’t provide any traction. Suddenly I’m cannoning into his chest. And it’s so strong and stable that I long to lean against it forever. His arms go around me and I’m annoyed with his audacity until I realise it’s merely his response to the way I’m clinging to him – as though I could float away at any moment.
Or sink.
All I know is that here, in his embrace, falling more and more in like with this boy is the rightest thing about my world. What could he possibly have done that could alter the way this feels?
His chin brushes against my wig and I arch backwards enough to see him.
The clouds part and his pine green eyes are cleared from shadow. ‘Let me explain,’ he whispers.
His fingertips brush away some of the hair that’s blown across my face. A trail of awareness zings where he touches.
‘No.’ I choke out the word. ‘Don’t.’
His brows lift and I press my body against him. If I’m close enough I might be able to stop thinking.
All I want is to wipe my mind blank of everything racing through it.
Sebastian’s secret.
His horrible sister.
Aaron Winter.
Chay’s strange behaviour.
My mum.
And my father’s request.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to talk.’ One hand slides up across his chest and the other follows. The muscles contract beneath my hands and his dark pupils dilate. ‘I don’t want to think.’
Tonight was supposed to be romantic.
He cups my cheeks so tenderly I can’t believe he’s capable of anything but this. ‘What do you want?’
Our magic back.
But I don’t say it because the longer I stare into his eyes, the less I have to. The proximity of our bodies, the soft light, the fact that we are completely and utterly alone for the first time – all this creates the mood I’ve longed for.
I turn my head a fraction and press my lips to the firm skin at the base of his thumb.
Then the other way and his other hand.
His warm breath on my lips betrays that he’s closed the distance between us. My mouth dries and my courage wanes.
Kiss me. Please, kiss me.
But I can’t ask and I can’t make myself move the inch that separates our mouths. I was nervous before but that was nothing compared to this. He said he liked me but he’s not the person I thought.
This strange new Sebastian makes my heart beat faster.
He sighs. A sound of resignation. He’s giving in.
To my unspoken demand? To the heat between us?
I close my eyes and his lips meet mine. They’re warm and slightly chapped. And the kiss is too brief.
The air when he breaks contact is cold beyond what I can stand. My eyes open and he’s searching my face. I try to show him with a smile that I liked it, when the truth is, I wanted a kiss, not a tease. I want to drown in the hot-ness of this boy. I want to lose myself, and a brush of lips isn’t going to cut it.
This time I move to meet his mouth.
Our noses bump. I feel the smile on his lips that matches my own. It’s not awkward, it’s deliciously new. I tilt my head and he deepens the kiss, opening his mouth. Coaxing with every touch of lips on lips for me to do the same.
His hands tangle in my hair as his tongue plays at the entry to my mouth. Tentatively I touch it with mine. He tastes of the cola we had earlier. Sweet and yummy and Sebastian.
My hands clutch at his shoulders then grab the braces over his shirt as my knees begin to shake.
One hand around my waist drags me closer, lifting me to my toes and fitting me flush against his body. The hard muscle of him feels so foreign but so right.
I have never kissed anyone like this.
I have never been kissed so my whole body burns to be closer to the source of the heat.
By the time he lets me fall back onto my feet I’m afraid I might not be able to stand. But my legs keep me upright as he pulls away.
I want to beg him not to let me go but the words stay stuck in my throat.
His hands go in his pockets as mine pull the cape around my body. The cold I managed to escape in his arms can no longer be kept at bay.
He runs a hand through his hair and stares at the ground. ‘I should take you home.’ When I say nothing he lifts his head. ‘My parents …’
‘Nice excuse.’
‘Huh?’
‘We shared this amazing kiss and you bail on me using your folks as an excuse.’
That confused 404 look is back. ‘But you didn’t want to talk about it.’
‘I don’t.’ I march ahead to the car. My body is still thrumming from the kiss but I can’t look at Sebastian.
While he kissed me I could forget everything. While I kissed him I was invincible.
We’re at my house in minutes. He doesn’t switch off the engine. No long goodbyes here. I sneak a glance at his face but the dashboard light reveals nothing but his features. I’m sure he was physically affected by the kiss, but did he feel the emotional connection I did?
I could ask him … if I wasn’t me.
‘Night then,’ I say, pushing the passenger door open.
I hesitate a heartbeat, plenty of time for him to call me back. If he wants to.
A hint of a smile flashes my way but his eyes are in shadow. ‘Night.’
I stumble inside without looking back. He doesn’t pull away until the door closes behind me and I lean back against it trying to work out whether we just got together or we just broke up.