Fake

Out on the street, Sebastian’s car accelerates into the night and toward trouble from his parents. Parents who are super-strict because of something he did before they moved here.

Every instinct I have says he’s one of the good guys, but as soon as I mentally rule out serious stuff like assault and robbery I have to put them back on the possibilities list. How well can you really know anyone?

I drag each foot up the stairs, unwilling to reach my bedroom and have to admit tonight is really over. But too soon I’m stepping into the one place that is mine alone.

Tonight I don’t have room in my head for my usual fears of the dark. I have too many real things to worry about to waste time on the imaginary. I flop back on my bed in a dramatic heap, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. The ceiling blurs before my stinging eyes, but I know crying won’t solve anything.

I sit up and shrug off the stupid cape. In a few minutes I’ve removed the wig and the black miniskirt and am left in my black singlet. My pyjamas are somewhere under the pile of clothes scattered around my bedroom from my experimenting before the party. My laptop is under an inside-out pair of skinny black jeans that I relocate to join the blue ones in the middle of my rug.

The reflection in the mirror is no different to that of the girl who sleeps here every night. Sure, she has a little more eyeliner on, but otherwise she’s the same. I touch my lips. They’re no pinker, not branded to say they shared an amazing kiss with a beautiful but mysterious boy.

I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened tonight. Knowing I’m too wired to sleep, I log on as Aaron to see what he said that caused Lana to dump Joel and head out to meet him. As it loads I replay the expression on Joel’s face as he watched her walk away. The shine of tears in his eyes, the hard set of his jaw.

It’s exactly what I would have wished a few days ago, but it didn’t have any of the triumph I might have imagined. The moment it happened I wasn’t thinking about what he’d done to me. Only feeling sorry for his pain and worried that Sebastian was jealous.

That’s the difference. When I confronted Joel I only cared about what the school population would think. Whether anyone was laughing at me. It hurt, but not the way Joel hurt tonight.

I read back through Lana and Aaron’s messages from Friday night – some sent when she was actually watching Joel at the soccer game – and things begin to make sense.

It started with Joel not having time to shop for their costume because of his game. Then he didn’t wave to her when he ran onto the field.

My mind goes back to Sebastian’s secret. Could what he did have something to do with her desperate need to be everything to Joel?

As usual Chay-Aaron was supportive about her complaints and a little bit too busy to talk for long. He made a few comments about what he’d like to do with her on a Saturday night and then signed off with an invite to watch him play with his band.

I might see you there

I drum my fingers on the keyboard. Lana’s reply was thirty minutes after Aaron’s invite. Had Chay seen it before she logged off?

Why didn’t she say anything in the car on the way to school tonight? Anyone would think Joel had stood her up not me. She’s way more committed to getting back at Lana than I am.

I check my phone but she hasn’t texted since our weird call when I was leaving with Sebastian. Have I pissed her off without realising? I think back through the last few days. I have been pretty wrapped up in my own life.

I push the computer away. I’m still awake and Mum is still not home. She must be having a better night with Colin than mine was, although I wouldn’t trade kissing Sebastian for staying out later. But the secret he mentioned gives our magic moment a sour edge.

As good as the kissing was, I should have given him a chance to tell me whatever it is that he did that was so bad. Because now I’ve kissed him I’m not sure I can turn off the like.

I bury my head in the pillow but my brain won’t find sleep. What is his secret?

I drag myself off the bed and have a quick shower, the whole time listening out for Mum. Ten minutes later I still have the house to myself but I’m clean and my skin is pink and warm from the hot spray. I lift a red long skirt I don’t remember buying and find my fave soft pyjamas. The ones that are blue with white and yellow daisies. They remind me of everything warm and plush and springtime. In them I can almost smell a green meadow. I always thought I couldn’t fail to be cheerful wearing them.

I curl up again on my bed and wake my computer from its hibernation but no one is online. Most people are probably still at the school.

With my chin resting on my knees, I alternate between remembering Sebastian and my amazing kiss and imagining how the night might have played out if I’d let him tell.

The letter I’ve been ignoring for days sneaks into my mind. ‘Ignorance is bliss’ must be my life motto. Even though the need to know why my father did what he did has simmered in my head for nine years, I’m still refusing the opportunity to meet and ask him in person.

I open my email. There’s no need to retrieve the letter my father wrote me from my desk. His contact details are imprinted in my memory. I’ve seen them often enough when I close my eyes.

I type before I can second-guess myself. It’s taken days to get to this decision and I don’t want to change my mind again.

That’s not right either. His blood runs through my veins. The things about me that make Mum frown in puzzlement might come from him. Maybe he likes peanut butter and banana mash too.

Marty,

Thank you for your letter.

I erase my efforts again. He doesn’t deserve my thanks. He ruined our lives. Because of him my mother carries a shadow in her eyes whenever she thinks no one is looking.

This is a mistake. Emailing him will hurt Mum, and what will answers do for me anyway? It’s not going to change anything. I won’t be able to turn back time and have my dad watch my softball games in year seven or have him attend the assembly where I won a writing competition in year nine.

I’ll sleep on it, give myself a chance to fully analyse the pros and cons of the situation.

It’s the logical plan. I don’t want to hurry into a decision. But an hour later Mum still isn’t home and I’m more alone than ever. The man reached out to me. It’s only fair I give him a chance to explain. If I don’t ask him the question I’ll never have peace with the past.

I tap my foot, waiting for my computer to wake up. Since I didn’t shut down properly I only have about two minutes of battery left.

Marty,

I would like to meet but you will have to come here.

Let me know when suits.

Regards.

Kathleen.

I’m asleep by the time Mum gets home and am in no hurry to speak to her the next morning. Despite waking with the birds I linger in my bed feigning sleep until she knocks on my door.

It does the trick and she walks away, clip-clopping down the hall. Moving in slow motion, I find some trackies and clean underwear and stumble to the bathroom. The shower is hot and stinging against my skin and it’s a relief to wash my hair but there’s only so long I can delay.

Her smile can only be described as chipper. ‘Good night?’ I ask but I can see the answer in every bouncing step.

Her smile widens. ‘Very. We had dinner at this little place and then talked for hours. He walked me to my car and then …’

My head aches from my restless night of brain churning sleeplessness. I drain two glasses of water, trying to rehydrate.

‘Not in the way you’re thinking. I’m sure the punch was probably spiked but I was home too early to get in on the action.’

I’m too confused to attempt to explain last night to my mother so I give her a mostly-truth. ‘Sebastian had to be home early.’

My mind immediately returns to the kiss in the park. ‘Some of it was amazing.’

She seems to take that in but doesn’t press for details. ‘So what’s the plan for today? Want to hit one of the antiques shops up the coast?’

‘I have a heap of homework.’ It’s true. I was too excited at the end of last week to be good for much, and doing well is my ticket out of this town.

But with Sebastian here the need to leave isn’t quite as urgent as it was before.

The disappointment in her smile is another weight on my shoulders. Something else to make my brain crazy. I’m glad I didn’t tell her that part of the reason I want to stay home today is my email to Dad. He probably won’t reply today but if he does I want to be here.

But most of all it’s about Sebastian. Did he get in trouble for taking me home? Will he come here or call to explain? Has he thought about our kiss the way I have? Constantly?

Mum isn’t daunted by my lack of enthusiasm. ‘We could have something nice for dinner? Your choice.’

I stare at her. Food is the least of my problems at present. But she’s all hopeful and trying to pay me attention after being all caught up in Colin for days. I force a smile. ‘What do you feel like eating?’

I know my indecisiveness does her head in but it’s not easy to think of something that’s easy to cook and satisfies all the other variables that might crop up through the day. ‘Meatloaf?’

The supermarket. On the same block as Dave’s Computer Emporium. A chance to see Sebastian. ‘I can go.’

I slurp my tea so fast it scalds my throat and scoff down my toast slathered with peanut butter. With the dishes neatly stacked, I can escape back to my bedroom and my laptop.

I don’t want to text Sebastian. I might come across as too possessive and I don’t want to get him into any more trouble. I check Aaron’s account but he and Lana aren’t talking. I wonder whether she regrets trying to make it to see his band.

Oddly unsure of my reception, I grab a jacket and head out on the back porch to call Chay. The wooden steps are one of my favourite places to sit. They overlook the tiny patch of lawn that makes up our garden. I can hear Mum talking in the salon, probably making up to one of the clients she had to fob off this week to see Colin.

I sit on the rough, aged and weathered wood with the ends of my tracksuit pants rolled up to soak up some of the sunshine.

Chay doesn’t answer straight away. I have my thumb ready to end the call when she speaks. ‘Hey, Kath.’ Her greeting is as uncertain as I feel.

Silence stretches. I’m not at my best on the phone. I hate not being able to see the response to my words in the person’s expression, and I know how easy it is to get mixed up.

I don’t know when things grew strained between us but I would do anything to get them back to the way they were before.

‘You’re not too busy with Sebastian?’ She says his name the way I say Colin’s.

I refuse to take offence, it’s not as though I haven’t teased Chay for being hung up on a boy before. ‘Not too busy for you.’

I hear the swish of her ear against the phone as she nods. ‘Dad’s out. Give me fifteen.’

I blink to adjust to the sun and sit up. She’s wearing a short skirt, boots and a tight top. Her equivalent to my lazy Sunday at home trackies and t-shirt. ‘You’re early.’

‘You’re sleepy. Get home late?’ She asks the questions with the lift of a dark eyebrow and a grin twitching on hot pink lips.

I pull my knees to my chest to give her room to sit next to me. ‘What happened to you?’ It’s the first of a million questions I need to ask.

Her head leans forward and her yellow locks cover her face. ‘Helping out a friend.’

Her head lifts and her eyes flash with annoyance. ‘Does it matter?’ There’s bitterness with the sarcasm. ‘I’m not the kind of girl boys want for their girlfriend.’

Chay has never seemed interested in dating anyone long-term and while she’s known to have a good time at a party, no one’s ever called her a slut in my vicinity. And it’s not like her to let other people get her down. I nudge her shoulder. ‘Who says?’

She laughs. A sad, brittle sound. ‘Let me know when you want to ask me out.’ Her smile is no more than a half-hearted curve of her lips. ‘In the meantime, what happened with Sebastian?’

I’m not very good at keeping the importance of the night from my tone. She’ll get the truth out of me eventually; she always has. ‘We kissed.’

Her hand goes to her heart in a swooning gesture that’s missing some sincerity. ‘Was it romantic?’

I don’t want to go into details when she’s clearly upset over a boy but I don’t want her to think Sebastian was anything less than wonderful. ‘Perfect,’ I admit.

Her first genuine smile crinkles the black liner at the corners of her eyes. ‘Yay.’

I focus on the splinter of wood that’s been digging into my thigh. It’s not my place to reveal Sebastian’s secret. Not least because I don’t even know what it is. But believe me I’ve been imagining way more terrible things than anything it could actually be.

She ignores my accusation. Her arms cross. ‘There’s nothing else going on?’

I stand and cross to the back door to make sure Mum is still in the salon. Her voice carries over the blow dryer. I don’t sit again but pace the small deck. ‘My Dad wants to see me.’

Chay’s on her feet and hugging me before my lips close on the last word. ‘No wonder you’ve been a mess.’

It’s the sympathy I’d expect from my best friend and it stops me denying my messiness. I think I’ve been holding myself together pretty well, considering.

Chay rolls her eyes. ‘They always say that, but then you choose wrong and you’re screwed. She wants you to tell him where to go, I bet.’

My mouth opens. Closes. Opens again. ‘I don’t think she …’ Cares? That’s too harsh. ‘Minds.’

‘She’s been pretty busy lately with her new boyfriend Colin. Some guy she met online.’

Everything I’ve ever said on the subject to Chay gives her reason to expect that answer. She’s reading a message on her phone when I finally come clean.

Chay blinks like she can’t believe what she’s heard. ‘You’re meeting him?’

I sit again on the step but the sun has been blocked by a cloud. ‘He hasn’t replied yet but if he does … Maybe.’

I try to gather the scattered thoughts of the night before into something that will make sense. I’ll need to have a ready explanation for Mum if I do plan to see him. ‘I want to know why.’ I hold my breath. When I blink my eyes are like sandpaper. ‘Does that make sense?’

We both look out across the lawn. I remember the first time Chay came over to play. She had a teddy and when we played a pretend game of mums and dads, she thought it was bizarre when I suggested we both be the mums and that lifeless Ted could be the father.

After Chay leaves – she has to get home before her father – I realise we never spoke about Aaron and the huge fight between Lana and Joel.

I didn’t ask her to shut the whole thing down like I planned. I didn’t think about Joel at all. That shows how stupid the whole revenge idea was.

If Lana had tried to hitch to the city to see Aaron’s band she might have been hurt or worse. I still think she needs a good lesson on other people’s feelings but I’d hate to put anyone in actual danger. This fake guy is out of control.

I think we should put a stop to Aaron

I debate shutting him down myself. If his account goes he can disappear into cyberspace as though he never existed.

I know if I talk to Chay about it she’ll remind me of all the reasons to keep going. She’ll point out that we need Lana to fall hard so she can receive the dumping she deserves. And while I don’t agree anymore, Chay can be very convincing.