Sebastian moves to catch me when my knees threaten to give way.
I brush off his help, hating my body’s melodramatic reaction. On shaky legs, I cross to my desk and dump my books on the ground before sagging onto the chair. It gives him plenty of time to take back his words. He doesn’t.
‘You have a kid?’ I squeak.
‘Yes. She’s the reason we had to move.’
She … ‘Poppy.’ I whisper the name of his little sister … his daughter … and everything suddenly clicks into place. No wonder he’s responsible for her and Lana’s not. No wonder he had to stay home when she was sick. No wonder he spoke of her with a glow in his eyes.
He nods. ‘When Poppy’s mum didn’t want her I promised I’d do my best never to let her down.’ His gaze drops to his hands. ‘Mum and Dad sorted out the move. They thought it would be better if we all had a fresh start.’
My brain tries to take in what he’s saying but he might as well be speaking in programming code. ‘And you’re raising her?’
‘Yes.’
I can’t sit still. His revelation makes me feel like tiny ants are crawling over my body. I pace the small space. I should have questions for him but I can’t stop staring at him and trying to picture him as a father.
‘You’re freaked out,’ he says. ‘I shouldn’t have told you.’
I can hear in his voice that he wants me to say I can handle this. But I can’t. ‘This is too … something … I don’t know.’
He waves his hand to encompass my rug and my special quilt and the locket at my throat. ‘You love all these imagined romantic stories but you’re too scared to live your own.’
‘You?’ I choke out.
‘I could be.’ His voice lowers. ‘Or maybe you think you’re too good for ordinary, and yes, messy, relationships. Sorry if I’m too real for you, Kath. I never claimed to be perfect.’
‘But I don’t think I’m too good.’ If anything I’m permanently afraid that I’m not good enough.
He doesn’t seem to hear me. ‘I tried to tell you about Poppy so many times but you didn’t want to know. I think you like the fantasy you’ve created in your head more than the real me.’
He pauses a beat, but I can’t think of what to say. He’s right. I don’t want this. I hate the thought of him being different to the Sebastian in my head. It’s hard to let go of the boy I’ve fallen for.
He shakes his head. ‘People make mistakes. And I made a freaking huge one. But you know what? I’m dealing with it as best I can. It might take me forever to make up to my family for what I’ve put them through, but I will.’ He runs a hand through his hair. ‘And do you know what else? I don’t actually need to make a single thing up to you.’
He’s looking at me like I’m the enemy and every word is a blow against me. His eyes are sad, but I haven’t let him down. It’s the other way around. He’s gone from the only person I could talk to about my father to a stranger. He might not have lied but the truth he’s been hiding is so big my mind can’t take it in. ‘Who are you?’
His jaw hardens. ‘The same person I was ten minutes ago.’
‘You led me on. You made me think …’
‘What?’
I swallow over the lump in my throat. ‘That I knew you. I believed we had something special.’
‘You don’t want to know me. You never did.’
His words are too close to home so I do what I do best. I turn my back on him and wrap my arms around my waist to keep the pain locked up inside. ‘Go,’ I say without looking at him. ‘Please leave.’
He stands in the middle of my bedroom for long seconds before walking out, slamming the door behind him. His footfalls are loud down the stairs but the front door clicks softly closed. I marvel that he’s still considerate of my neighbours despite how pissed he is with me. I pad out to the window in time to see him storming down the drive.
A car pulls in, heading straight for him. Mum’s car.
He freezes. His hands come up in front of his face like they’re trying to protect him from impact. For a moment he’s in her headlights. Stiff and tall and strong. Then the car stops and the lights go off.
He glances back this way and I swear he can see me at the window trying not to spill pieces of my broken heart all over the floor. The window fogs and I realise it’s from the warm tears on my cheeks.
He breaks into a jog and is halfway up the street before Mum is out of the car.
‘Are you all right?’ she calls after him.
He doesn’t break stride.
I fight a giggle as she detours past the lime tree. Like it’s going to have grown in the last few hours. She frowns up at the window and I back away, letting the curtain fall. I stumble toward my room, in no mood for a conversation with Mum about Sebastian or her date or anything else.
‘Kathleen McKenny.’ Her voice snakes up the stairs ahead of her, freezing me at my bedroom door. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’
I rub an angry palm across my eyes and stare at the ground. ‘To bed.’
She’s reached the top and she’s pretty much steaming from the ears. ‘Not before we’ve talked about that boy.’
‘What boy?’ It’s a pathetic attempt to pretend I don’t know who she’s talking about but I make it anyway. Right now I’d do anything to gain the comfort of my bed and my pillow so I can sob in peace.
‘The one who was fleeing this house when I arrived home.’
I shake my head. ‘Technically he was fleeing a good minute before you arrived home.’
‘Don’t use that smart tone with me.’
Smart? I’m the dumbest person going around. The guy I thought was perfect has a baby. A shaft of jealousy takes my breath away. The full ramifications are a slap in the face. He pulled away from me after barely a kiss but he slept with some other girl and then she had his baby.
Where’s the girl now? Who was she anyway?
‘Kathleen, you’re not listening to me.’
I look up. Mum’s arms are folded and her eyes narrow slits of annoyance. She’s waiting for me to answer some question but I can’t hear anything over the rushing in my ears and the shattering of the last fragments of my heart.
‘I was thinking.’
‘About that boy, I bet. How long has this been going on?’
‘What?’
‘How long have you been sneaking him in here when I’m out.’
‘I haven’t …’ And then I remember that he came by on Sunday too. ‘I never meant to go behind your back. He’s been here twice, but it’s not like I planned it that way.’
She notices my change of tack mid-sentence. ‘I thought I could trust you.’
‘You can.’
Her brow arches. ‘And yet I’ve seen a boy running from the house tonight and you’ve admitted it’s not the first time he’s been here when I’m not home.’
I cross my arms, refusing to be in trouble when I haven’t done anything wrong. ‘It’s not like we had a rule. Chay’s here all the time.’ Or at least she used to be, before she got obsessed with revenge and began acting odd and secretive.
Her hands go to her hips. ‘Chay isn’t a boy. And as far as not breaking any rules, have we never talked about respect?’
‘I haven’t done anything wrong.’
If only she knew. Part of me wants to scream the truth – he didn’t want me anyway – but I suspect it won’t reassure her that I’ve behaved responsibly. The rest of me is too freaking angry that she’s making up the rules as she goes along.
Before tonight Mum’s always given me a chance to explain but she’s more pissed now than I’ve ever seen her. ‘You are grounded until further notice. What hurts me the most is the way you have lied and gone behind my back.’
The accusation hangs in the air between us. The silence so taut I can almost see each letter suspended within it.
This is where I defend myself. Tell her she’s wrong, that I haven’t lied, but … ‘I …’
I have.
Not about Sebastian so much, because nothing happened and I never once thought about the consequences of having him here without Mum being home. But I did arrange to see Marty.
I can’t meet Mum’s gaze, and the lump in my throat is now a block of epic proportions. I couldn’t speak if I tried. It doesn’t matter because the only thing I have to say might be the thing that kills my mum’s trust in me forever.
She comes closer. Her scent wraps around me as familiar as a hug, but tonight it’s cloying. She studies my face and I squirm.
‘Is there anything else you need to tell me?’
I could say no. I’m in enough trouble without admitting my coffee date, but if she finds out later it will be worse. She’ll look back to this moment, here in the house we’ve shared together for nine years, us against the world, and she’ll know I looked her in the eye and lied.
I don’t really have a choice. My nod is a slow movement of my chin.
She straightens and I can see her bracing herself for whatever it is I’m about to say. Her eyes are wide and fixed on me. She shivers but it’s not that cold. And she waits.
‘Remember how I tried to call you on Sunday?’ It’s important to get that said, so she knows I didn’t intend to go behind her back.
‘Yes, you didn’t mention anything when you came home.’
I press my hands together, trying to rub warmth into the skin. An image flashes in my mind, of Marty doing the same thing. I drop my hands to my sides.
‘I met Marty for coffee.’
‘Who?’ she begins. Then her jaw drops and her lips form an Oh. She steps backwards. Her hand reaches out to grip the balustrade as she sways on her feet. ‘Marty.’
I follow her, wanting to make her understand. ‘I tried to call you.’
She frowns. ‘How?’
She’s not asking about the mechanics of calling. ‘He texted me that he was in the area. It was last minute.’
Her brain is filling in all I’m not saying. For him to text me he’d need my number. ‘You wrote to him?’
‘You said you wouldn’t mind.’ It comes out in a whine.
She shakes her head, half laughs in a completely unfunny way. ‘I don’t mind … But I thought … You didn’t tell me.’
Now I want to go to her but she’s staring at me like I’m a stranger.
Like Sebastian did.
‘I meant to tell you,’ my voice rises, ‘but it’s kind of hard to have a conversation when you’re either working or out with your boyfriend.’
Her hand lifts to stop my words. ‘You have had plenty of chances to tell me this.’
And my stomach churns because the anger is gone.
There’s utter pain in her tired eyes and sadness in the lines around her crumpled mouth. It’s an echo of the Mum I remember from when we first came to town.
The tears I’d managed to get under control well up again.
Is Mum going to cry?
My body shudders. I can’t do this.
I hated Marty for what he did, the lies he told and all the times he made her cry. But it seems I truly am my father’s daughter.
My trembling hand pushes at my bedroom door, my sanctuary. When I look back at Mum she’s still staring after me.
I bite at my lip. ‘I would have told you but you weren’t here.’
* * *
It’s 1:00 a.m.
I blink and stare at the digital clock next to my bed with sore, gritty eyes. I don’t remember falling asleep but I must have cried myself to slumber.
My phone is ringing. I grab it off the nightstand. Sebastian. Why is he calling me in the middle of the night? I answer it with fumbling fingers. ‘Hello?’
‘Have you seen Lana?’ He barks the question and I pull the phone away from my ear and glare at it groggily before replying.
‘No. Why would I?’
‘I don’t know, but she’s not answering her mobile and none of her friends have seen her. She left a note saying she was meeting this Aaron guy.’
I sit up, now wide-awake. ‘She said Aaron?’ He huffs out an annoyed breath. ‘Did she say where?’
‘Going to see his band. But that’s all I know.’
‘Give me a few minutes. I’ll see if anyone else knows where he was playing tonight.’
‘Fine.’
That one word is full of fear and worry. He cares about her.
I end the call and ring Chay. As it rings my mind goes to the picture Marty had on his phone. My half-brother and half-sister. How would I feel if they were missing in the middle of the night?
I shake my head and will Chay to answer. I must be still half-asleep. I don’t know those kids at all. There’s no reason for me to feel protective.
The phone rings through to messages.
Wake up, I mentally shout at the blank screen. I’m pacing around my room but trying to keep the noise down. I don’t need any more trouble from Mum after our argument earlier.
I call again.
It’s dark and listening to the rings takes all my focus. My knee strikes the corner of my desk and I stifle a curse. An antique glass bottle on the edge tips and I can’t catch it. The rosewater inside spreads in a silent puddle. The sweet floral scent rises around me as I try to mop it up with a scarf.
In a way it’s all Lana’s fault. Why did she have to be so gullible? Why would a guy like Aaron be interested in a girl like her? But if it’s really Lana’s fault, why do I feel so sick?
I try Chay for the third time. My eyes close as it rings. She has to answer. I might not like Lana much but I don’t want her injured or worse.
I swear if you answer I’ll …
She picks up the call before I can offer my soul or worse.
‘It’s the middle of the night,’ she grunts.
‘Lana’s missing.’
She exhales. I can picture her sitting upright in her bed, blinking as she tries to take in the news, but I don’t have time for her to join the dots. ‘Where did you send her?’
‘Nowhere.’
‘Come on, this isn’t a joke anymore. Sebastian’s really worried.’
‘I really didn’t.’ There’s sincerity in her voice.
But at the moment I don’t trust my ability to read anyone. And that includes Chay. ‘Think. What did you text her tonight?’
There’s a stretch of silence and another minute flips over on my digital clock. Sebastian is waiting. He probably thinks I’m not going to call back.
Finally she speaks, ‘Aaron might have mentioned a midweek gig.’
‘Where?’
She gives me the details. ‘I didn’t think she’d actually try to get there.’
‘You didn’t think,’ I agree and hang up.
Sebastian answers on the first ring. I don’t bother with a greeting but tell him straight away where Aaron was playing.
‘What are you going to do?’ I ask.
It’s now nearly half past one and it will take him a good hour to drive to the place Chay described.
‘Drive there.’
‘Your parents?’
‘Asleep, for now. I’ll leave them a note or something for if Poppy wakes.’
Poppy … his daughter. With everything else on my mind I’d almost forgotten he has more than his little sister to look after. It’s a responsibility so far from my existence he might as well be from another planet. What can I say?
He sighs. ‘I’d better go.’ He ends the call without waiting for my response. It’s good I guess because the whole being a dad has left me pretty much out of common ground.
Sleep doesn’t come easily. The smell of rosewater is heavy in the air and each breath is more like a bouquet of flowers than an exercise in getting oxygen. Soon my head is pounding and I’m staring at the ceiling.
The rustle of the pine needles against my window is the only sound in the quiet of the night. Where is Sebastian now? Has he found Lana?
The questions cycle through my head on infinite loop, only breaking for memories of his face when I accused him of being a stranger and Mum’s when I told her I’d met Marty.
No tears come.
My eyes are dry and gritty and I don’t think I have any liquid left in me to cry. But I ache. Every part of me is heavy and thick with regret and guilt.
I long to get out of my own head but when you’ve stuffed everything up it’s really hard to find anyone else to blame.
The red glow from the numbers on my clock is accusing. A dozen different horror movie scenarios play out in my head. Where Lana might be. Who she might be with. What Sebastian will say if she’s hurt. I gave him all the information I had but Chay must know more than she’s letting on. We’ve been friends for too long. She won’t lie to my face.
I have to believe it. There’s no way I’m going to sleep while Lana’s missing.
I ignore the voice in my head worrying about what will happen if I’m caught driving at night in the city. I’ve had enough of sitting around and waiting for other people to fix my screw-ups.
I drag on jeans and sneakers and my warmest jacket. My breath comes in clouds of fog and from the frost on the sill I know it’s going to be even colder out. I grab an old knitted hat I bought in the city. Chay says the cream beanie makes me look like a mushroom, but tonight I don’t care about fashion transgressions.
I creep into the hall, half expecting Mum to burst out of her room at any moment. But the only noise is the creak of the house’s aging timbers in the cold night. Her keys are where she left them on the bench. They glint like a beacon in a stream of moonlight shining through the kitchen window. I hold my breath and pick them up. There’s not even a jingle to give me away.
Too easy.
I can’t stop and think about whether this is some trick being played on me by the universe, not when there is a girl out there somewhere looking for someone who doesn’t exist. I make it down the stairs and out the front door in silence. The neighbourhood is quiet, the windows of the surrounding buildings dark like so many empty eyes. They watch as I hesitate.
My hands curl into fists.
I have to do this. If something happens to Lana that I could have prevented, Sebastian won’t be the only one unable to forgive me. I’d never be able to live with myself.
Mum’s car squats in the driveway, appearing to huddle down on the ground against the cold and the lateness of the hour.
Time to wake up.
My hands are shaking as I open the door and slide into the driver’s seat. I turn the key and the car purrs to life.
I’m doing it. I’m taking my mum’s car to the city to search for Lana.
The rapid pumping of my heart sends a rush of blood and exhilaration to my brain. I have to bite my lip to stop an exuberant ‘woohoo’ from escaping. Who knew being bad could feel so good?
The feeling lasts exactly ten seconds. Which is as long as it takes me to put the car into reverse and my phone to buzz loudly from where I tossed it onto the empty passenger seat.
Sebastian.
I’ve found Lana
That moment of distraction is enough. My head turns. My hand follows, forgetting it’s attached to the steering wheel. The car swerves off the driveway with a screech of gravel. My foot slams on the brake. Like a cat held over a bath the steering wheel leaps in my hands as the back tires go up and over the rock garden.
There’s a crack like a gunshot.
The car stops.
The only sound is my gasp for breath, and I can barely hear it over the thudding of my heart. Sweat escapes every pore, freezing my skin as it hits the cold air.
The lime tree.
Mum’s lime tree.
Holy crap. What the hell have I done?
My head drops, hitting the steering wheel. I drag in an unwilling breath, tasting the panic on my tongue.
Move, Kath.
As usual I can’t obey my brain’s reasonable instruction. If I could move I might salvage this somehow. I lift my head – I don’t know how – but I’m too late. The light goes on in the hallway above the stairs and a beat later Mum is flying from the front door, her burgundy dressing gown flapping behind her like a cape.
‘Kath,’ she cries. Her mouth and eyes are wide with panic, her skin ashen in the moonlight.
Right now she’s Supermum, avenger of whatever has put her daughter at harm. A creature of majesty, awe and fury. I brace myself, because once she understands I’m physically fine and that I made this huge mess myself, the disappointment will set in.
Disappointment I deserve.
My hand is heavy as I push open the driver’s door and climb to my feet on leaden legs. I wait for Mum to come to me. Staying upright is taking all I have at the moment.
‘I’m sorry.’ I say the words before she’s close enough to hear. ‘I’m sorry.’ I repeat them for good measure.
But she’s done that Mum thing where she’s taken in my safety at a glance and she’s already looking past me. At the tree.
It’s snapped at bumper height, the jagged shards of its spindly trunk lifted in a twisted imitation of a middle finger pointing defiantly up at the cloudless sky. I want to laugh but it’s all I can do not to cry.
Mum stumbles to it and falls on her knees in the mud.
I don’t move. From here the branches on the ground are the dead body to my crime. ‘It’s not like it grows anything.’
Stupid. My words catch on a breeze and I think for a second she hasn’t heard them. She doesn’t turn and her voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it.
‘Go to bed.’
‘I can explain.’
She raises a hand and cuts off anything else I might say. Her lotion-stained fingers are old and wrinkled. ‘I’ve heard that before.’
The explanation of Lana in trouble and Sebastian and everything dies on my lips as her shoulders begin to shake.
If I was braver I would ignore her order. I’d go to my mother and try to give her comfort over the stupid tree that should never have meant so much.
But I’ve done enough damage today.
I leave the car door open and the keys in the ignition, turn on my heel, and do exactly as I’m told.
* * *
Breakfast is an uncomfortable meal of long sighs from Mum. As I stare at my bowl and choke my oats down as fast as I can, I’m hoping food will help with the queasiness I’ve been battling since Sebastian told me about his daughter, which has only been made worse by my night-time exploits.
Just thinking about it has the same effect on my belly as a triple loop of a rollercoaster. Mum leaves to shower and I dump the last of my porridge down the sink.
I tried to apologise and explain twice but Mum just gave me a sad look and walked away each time. The sadness is worse than anger.
For a change I don’t guess and second-guess my outfit. I can’t summon the energy to think through what effect anything I wear will have on the people I see. I pull on the first thing that comes to hand. Old faded jeans, comfy boots and a jacket I got at a tourist shop on our one international holiday to Canada.
I pick up Sebastian’s hoodie to return it but leave it on the end of my bed. I can’t part with it today. And I’ve had it for so long. Maybe he’s forgotten.
I’m at the top of the stairs with freedom in sight when Mum calls my name.
I turn back. Hopeful. Is she ready to listen at last?
She’s dressed for the salon in black pants and a cream shirt, but her usual smile is missing. ‘Don’t forget that you’re grounded.’
The hope evaporates. ‘I know.’ I fight not to roll my eyes.
‘No lingering after school.’
As if there’s anyone I know who wants to see me after school at the moment anyway. ‘Trust me, that won’t be a problem.’ I can’t keep the bitterness from my tone.
She shakes her head. ‘It seems I can’t trust you. So I’ll keep reminding you for as long as it takes.’
The noose of guilt tightens around my neck but I shrug. ‘Whatever.’ I throw the word behind me and jog down the stairs.
It’s something I know will infuriate her but the double standards of the whole situation are doing my head in. I broke a rule she never actually stated and now I’m the world’s worst teenager? I bet she’ll love complaining about her ungrateful child all day in the salon.
I know I damaged her stupid tree. But if she’d just listen to me for one second she’d know I was trying to do the right thing.
I welcome the sting of a cool breeze when I step outside. The clouds are heavy overhead and I glare at them, daring them to add being rained on to my already less than stellar day.
The first drops dribble down my neck as I reach the corner. Our corner, as I had started to think of it before our fight. Before I knew about Poppy.
Before everything went to hell.
There’s a familiar lanky figure under the tree. I blink and rub my eyes but he’s still there.
‘No textbook?’ I say as I slow my approach. My heart is hammering against my ribs so loud it’s impossible that he doesn’t hear it.
‘Not today.’ He shuffles from foot to foot. The silence stretches. When his gaze meets mine it’s shuttered. ‘Thanks for last night.’
Since he’s not talking about me freaking over his secret, I can only figure he’s referring to Lana. More guilt spreads over my shoulders like the heavy black cape I wore to the party. If it wasn’t for me she would never have been missing.
He takes a step toward school and then another. The sync we managed to find when we walked together before is missing and every few steps I have to half jog to keep up.
‘You found her okay?’ I ask the question like I haven’t read and reread his text a bajillion times trying to find emotion in the three short words.
‘Yeah.’
‘Where was she?’ Talking to Sebastian used to be an exercise in skin-tingling opportunities to touch. Today another person could easily walk between us and his hands are shoved in his pockets as though to make sure they don’t accidentally brush one of mine.
‘Outside the club. Despite the dive that it was, she couldn’t get in without ID and the jerk wasn’t answering her texts.’
‘But she was okay?’
He shrugs. ‘She had a cut on her head but she wouldn’t talk about it.’
My mind goes into imagination overdrive. How did she get there at that time of night? Did someone hurt her? No wonder Sebastian’s pissed. I say nothing because an apology will only make him suspicious.
We’re almost at the gates. He meets my gaze for the first time in a block. ‘When I find this Aaron he’ll be sorry.’
My stupid female hormones spring to life at the pure protectiveness in his tone but guilt swamps them. The person he’s seeking vengeance on is me.
‘You think you’ll find him then?’ Please let that sound more casual than it does in my head.
His nod is definite. ‘Soon.’
I should tell him Aaron’s fake. It’s the right thing to do, but he’s already disappointed in me. If I tell him how I put his sister at risk he’ll hate me.
Sebastian hating me is more pain than I can handle.
At the gates we separate without a word. He glances back once and I see in his eyes that not only is he not the person I thought he was, but I’m less than he hoped. My head bows and I hurry to my locker.
Chay is waiting for me there but I’m so busy staring at the ground I don’t see her until I’m an arm’s reach away. She’s dressed nicely again. Jeans that leave a little of her shape to the imagination, a positively decorous top and a tasteful scarf. Her subtly made-up lips are grinning and she’s wriggling on the spot. ‘Joel dumped Lana.’ Her hands clap. ‘He heard she went out to meet another guy and he’s had enough.’
‘And that makes you happy?’
She doesn’t seem to notice my tone. ‘Of course. She’s already texted Aaron saying she’s single and wants to hook up.’
‘I guess she’s not heartbroken then.’ I sigh and unpack my books. They’re almost too heavy to carry today. Must be the weight of the guilt I’m dragging around.
Chay leans against my locker. ‘Not yet.’
‘You have a plan?’ I don’t have the energy to point out I’ve long since stopped being a part of whatever it is she’s trying to achieve.
Her grin widens. ‘I think it’s time for Aaron to tell her where to go.’
‘Haven’t you done enough?’
‘Me?’
‘You. The one who’s texting a kid at all hours and leading her on so she heads to the city on her own in the middle of the night.’
‘Nothing bad happened.’
‘Lucky for you.’
She scowls. ‘And I was going to let you be the one to send the text.’
I glance down at the phone she’s waving. It’s impossible not to be curious about what she’s written but it doesn’t mean I have to act on it. ‘I don’t want any part of this.’
Chay stares at me.
I take a deep breath. ‘And I’m going to tell Sebastian the truth.’
‘Why?’
‘Because he’s going to find out anyway. If it comes from me … he might hate me less.’
‘And the whole world has to revolve around you?’ She shakes her head. ‘I’m asking you not to tell him. It will ruin everything.’
‘But …’
She leans close. ‘If you tell him I will never forgive you.’
I don’t watch her leave. Nine years of friendship and she’s forcing me to choose.