The rest of the day passes in a blur of indecision. That night I eat alone with Mum working late in the salon as background noise. By the next morning I can’t face another person. I survive the first period with my head pounding and then make for the girls’ bathroom in search of solitude.
The hallway filled with shouting students and hyperactive boys wrestling has never looked so long.
‘Hey Kath.’
I don’t see who speaks but I attempt a smile and wave of my hand in return. As I make my way toward safety others say hello. I don’t stop. I hate to be rude but I can’t do small talk today.
There are a few whispers too, but I can’t summon the energy to worry. Not when I’ve screwed up with people I actually care about. Once school is done I will never see most of these people again, and I’m sure they’ll forget about me and my problems just as fast.
I might as well be an outcast. Without Sebastian and Chay I’m alone.
At last the door closes behind me and the noise from outside is muffled. I can try to think again. I lock the cubicle and sit on the seat with my head in my hands. All morning my belly has churned with the anguish of this decision.
If I tell Sebastian, maybe he’ll hate me a little bit less, but then I’ll lose Chay. Every time I imagine getting through to the end of the school year without my best friend, my throat blocks and tears threaten.
Don’t cry.
The unmistakable sound of a sniffle comes from the next cubicle.
Crap. Whoever it is probably thought they were alone. I hold my breath but there’s only silence. The distraction helps keep the tears at bay.
I could leave now and pretend I didn’t hear. I have enough problems without trying to solve someone else’s. They probably don’t want to talk about it anyway, or they wouldn’t be hiding in here.
Like me.
I exit the cubicle and wash my hands. If they don’t cry again while I’m here I can put the sound down to my overactive imagination. The paper towel is mid-arc from my throw to the bin when I hear it. A sniff-choked sob.
‘Are you okay?’
There’s a long silence.
Fine, I don’t really want to talk to you either.
Then, ‘Go away.’
I squeeze my eyes shut. I know that voice. And guilt won’t let me flee. ‘Lana, what’s wrong?’
There’s another long stretch of silence and my urge to help fades fast. She doesn’t like me and I don’t like her. I’m the last person she wants help from.
‘It’s Aaron …’ Her voice becomes a sniffle.
I move to the closed cubicle door. Thank goodness no one else has come in or they’d see me talking to the peeling paint. Aaron’s made her cry. It’s not hard to guess what’s happened, having spoken to Chay.
‘Did he dump you?’
I take a deep breath full of antiseptic and the terrible forest-yuck air freshener they use in these bathrooms.
The door swings open.
Inside, Lana is hunched on the seat in short denim shorts, black tights and a black fitted top. Her big green eyes look up at me and I have to say she has the sad panda thing down perfectly. Her dark hair frames her face in artful strands, falling over the scratch on her head Sebastian mentioned. The black eyeliner has run from her tears but only in one elegant spot and her red nose and puffy eyes actually look cute.
‘Yeah,’ she says from pale lips.
If I didn’t know her better I’d feel sorry for her. As it is I’m battling not to. She’s how I should have looked after losing Sebastian. Instead, I managed to look more like a bedraggled gremlin.
‘Are you okay?’ I try to keep my tone brisk.
‘Like you care.’ Her lip curls. ‘I bet you’re loving this.’
‘No.’ And it’s true. I don’t like to see anyone so sad. Imagining Lana getting her just desserts didn’t include having to witness real tears.
Seeing her cry doesn’t ease my pain. I’m sick inside. I didn’t love Joel. I hardly knew him. And I brought some of the embarrassment on myself. This girl didn’t take Joel from me. I didn’t really want him to begin with. I don’t know his favourite colour. I can’t picture the cute expression he gets when he’s puzzled and I couldn’t guess what he wants to do when he leaves school.
The only boy I know that kind of thing about is Sebastian, and I’ve managed to screw up our fledgling relationship all on my own.
Lana’s head is buried in her hands and she’s too caught up in her misery to care who’s watching.
I stand there, torn between leaving her in privacy and not wanting to leave her alone when she’s hurting. This is the girl I’ve talked to late at night as Aaron. We actually have things in common. If she didn’t hate me we could have maybe …
No. It’s stupid. This is Lana, she’ll turn on me at any moment.
Walk away.
She must sense my conflict. Her head comes up and her eyes flash with anger. ‘Everything is so easy for you.’
‘Me?’ How could this beautiful, confident creature possibly think …?
‘We have to move to this stupid town and my parents are obsessed with Sebastian and Poppy and the drama.’ Her eyes roll back in her head. ‘I am so sick of the drama. I begged Mum to let me go back to the city but she said we needed to make this town our home. Ha. Two years tops and I’ll be so far out of here your pathetic town with its lame people will be nothing but a bad memory.’
The accusations fly from her mouth like it’s somehow my fault. I raise my hands and try to say something but she’s in full flight, talking at me, not to me.
‘Then I look for five minutes of peace and pampering to get my hair done and this woman spends the whole time raving about her perfect daughter.’
My stomach drops.
Now her eyes are on me and they’re narrow and mean and not at all beautiful. ‘About time you had someone mess a little with your perfect life.’
‘My life isn’t perfect.’
‘For about five seconds maybe, and then you’ll go home and Mummy will make everything better.’
I open my mouth to deny her words but close it again. My life is so far from perfect it’s a joke, but she’ll believe what she wants to. At least now I know why she hates me so much. It’s twisted but it makes a strange sense.
‘I hope you feel better,’ I mumble and back away.
I wash my hands as fast as I can, aware of Lana glowering at me the whole time. Out in the hallway a sea of students are going about their day. With Lana’s accusation in my head, I wonder how much of what they show the world is real and what problems they have happening that I can’t see.
Chay is at the fountain. She looks up, sees me and looks away before I can speak. Not that I have a clue what I’ll say.
Maybe that I know she sent the text. Maybe that I have to tell Sebastian because it’s the right thing to do. Maybe that I hope she didn’t mean it about never forgiving me.
There’s a disruption in the flow of students. Joel and one of his teammates are tossing a soccer ball between them as they walk down the hall, sending laughing classmates diving for cover. As they pass me the midfielder’s throw misses my head by less than an inch. I catch the ball using reflexes I didn’t know I had.
‘Sorry Kath.’ He stops in front of me, harmless and friendly. His hands are on his knees and he’s puffing for breath and laughing at the same time.
I can’t help a smile. ‘You’ll have to do better than that.’
He shakes his head, still laughing. ‘I can’t believe it.’
There’s a gasp from behind me and I’m elbowed out the way. ‘Whatever she said it isn’t true.’ Lana is just short of spitting as she stares down the gathered crowd.
The jovial mood of the hallway vanishes and people crowd closer, sensing drama. I’m reminded of a pack of animals drawn to blood.
Mine.
Heat floods my face. I touch her shoulder and she flinches. ‘We weren’t talking about you.’
‘Sure.’ Her gaze skims the crowd. ‘She’s jealous because my brother dumped her like Joel dumped her. They finally realised what a skanky slut she is.’
I reel back, but steady myself, holding my head high in front of this bitch who thinks she can say anything. I will not bow before her.
Lana’s eyes narrow. ‘It’s a pattern for Kath. Her dad didn’t want her either – or her mum.’ She smiles venomously. ‘He went and got a couple of new families, all at the same time.’
The words ring in my ears like a slap. My chest actually cramps as I try for a breath. I shrink inside myself, blinking dumbly at Lana who’s now smiling wider. A minute ago I was trying to help this girl.
Maybe some people here had heard what happened with Marty when Mum and I came to town, but never in those terms. She’s taken my deepest fear and spread it out for the class to see. And the worst part of it is that there’s only one way she could have found out. Sebastian.
‘How could you?’
I don’t know whether I’m asking her or him but it doesn’t matter because my whispered question is lost in the noise of someone barging through the crowd.
‘Leave Kath alone.’ It’s Chay. Eyes blazing and hands on hips, she stops at my side and stares Lana down. Defending me again.
Lana laughs. ‘You? You’re the biggest backstabber of all. Have you told your bestie who you’re sleeping with?’
My gaze swings to Chay. She pales and her eyes implore Lana to stop but it’s too late. Lana is in her element now. She has the crowd lapping up every word. ‘You were so obsessed with trying to sleep with my boyfriend, you don’t even care that your best friend liked him first.’
Chay’s crying. Silent tears track down her cheeks as her wide-eyed gaze swings between me and Lana.
‘Joel?’ I ask softly.
Her slow nod twists a blade in my chest. She’s been lying to me all this time.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Joel, flushed and sweating, edge backwards and almost disappear into the locker he’s leaning against, but he’s the least of my concerns.
Mentally I retreat inside my brain. If this was a movie I’d written I could yell ‘Cut’. Or ‘Scene break’. Or something to make it stop.
But life doesn’t work like that.
Lana laughs. ‘Maybe you two can share him because I have more serious things to consider.’ She flips her hair back to reveal the fine mark on her forehead. Of course it’s seeping a tiny drop of blood for effect. ‘Forget whatever Kath told you. Aaron Winter didn’t dump me.’ She pauses to make sure her words aren’t lost on the onlookers. ‘He assaulted me.’
A whisper rises from those gathered around. Everyone was friends with Aaron until he disappeared offline. This is drama of the highest order.
And looking at Lana, heart-achingly beautiful and obviously wounded, it’s impossible not to believe her. Unless you know the truth.
It’s then I see the tall and gangly boy standing silhouetted at the end of the hallway. Sebastian. Betrayer. The pain inside me builds until I’m afraid I might explode, drenching the hallway in splatters of blood and pieces of my broken heart.
His face is a mask.
I want to hate him but my feelings for him don’t want to cooperate. How long has he been listening? Does he believe his sister? Does he think I’m going to fight over Joel?
My eyes close and I wish for the classic escape of the ground opening up and me disappearing. But only for a second. Because I’ve never liked confined spaces and I’m not a big fan of being crushed by rock or swallowed by lava.
I stand straighter. Open my eyes and meet Lana’s gaze. ‘Accusing someone of assault is pretty serious.’
She doesn’t falter. Her hand goes to her head. ‘I have all the evidence I need.’
‘You’re sure you didn’t trip and fall?’
The weight of Sebastian and Chay’s eyes on me is more than everyone else here together but I have to ignore it. For too long I’ve let people push me around. I’ve avoided hard conversations and taken the easy path.
Not today.
Lana doesn’t back down. She crosses her arms and more than one male present stares openly at what it does to her neckline. ‘You think I’d make something like that up?’ There’s ridicule in her tone.
‘I do.’ I speak softly but the silence is so complete the two words carry to every single person.
For the first time Lana hesitates. ‘No one here doubts me.’
Beside me Chay stiffens but I can’t think about her. There is only one way to finish this. Maybe then we’ll all be able to move on and I can start to sort out some of the mess I’ve made of my life.
I moisten my dry lips. What I’m about to say could lose me my best friend, and ruin all hope with the one boy I’ve shown the real me.
But if I don’t say it I’ll be the biggest fake of all.
‘Aaron Winter is a phony.’ The shock ripples through the crowd. Some drop their books, and pencils scatter across the ground. ‘He never existed. He’s nothing more than a picture from a modelling agency and a set of characteristics we …’ I can’t get Chay in trouble too. I clear my throat. ‘Characteristics I thought would go with his looks.’
Lana is frozen. ‘Impossible.’
I move closer to her. ‘Really? What’s his band called?’
‘Fake,’ she whispers.
And then I deliver the killer blow. I speak so only she can hear because there’s already been enough hurt. ‘ “Babe, if I had a girl like you I’d blow off band practice in a second.” ’
I have to give her credit. While she blanches and her eyes send all kind of dagger looks my way, she keeps her composure. There will be no fleeing in disgrace for Lana. But I’ll need to watch my back because this girl will never forget what I’ve done to her here today.
She laughs. Shakily at first and then stronger. ‘Of course I knew about Aaron all along.’ She tosses her head so her hair falls over the scratch. ‘I was joking.’
She clicks her fingers and two of her lapdog friends appear at her side. They stroll down the hallway as though nothing has happened.
Moments later, with the show clearly over, the rest of the crowd disperses, going about their business, heading into class or continuing the conversations halted by the confrontation. Only a few minutes have passed since I was nearly hit by the ball but it seems a lifetime ago.
Chay is gone too, probably following Joel – I can’t believe I didn’t see it – and I’m relieved. At least this way I don’t have to decide between her and Sebastian.
I catch him close to the IT building. He’s studiously not looking back over his shoulder. I hope it’s because he knows I’ll be following and he doesn’t want me to know he cares, but I fear he’s left me and everything we had behind.
‘Sebastian, wait.’
He slows but doesn’t stop.
‘Please.’
He doesn’t turn so when I reach him he has his back to me. And the straight line of it tells me he nearly kept right on walking. I squeeze my hands to fists to stop from reaching out and soothing those tight muscles. But I can’t stop myself imagining how they’d ripple beneath my touch.
He’d probably recoil.
I wimp out on the few steps required to move around him to see his face. ‘I’m sorry.’ He says nothing and I stare at the way his messy hair curls on the back of his neck. Stupid memories flood my brain of how it slid softly through my fingers when we kissed.
In those moments the whole crappy world didn’t matter.
He finally turns, but his eyes are shuttered and distant. ‘What for?’
I swallow. There’s no easy answer. I’ve pretty much been racking up the mistakes on an hourly basis lately.
He rubs at his temple like I’ve made his head ache. ‘Don’t apologise if you’re not sorry.’ His voice drips ice. He’s tensing. About to move. Any moment he’s going to turn again and walk away. I can’t let that happen without trying to explain.
‘I should have told you about Aaron. I never expected it to get out of control.’
‘I get that my sister pissed you off. I get that Joel,’ he sneers the name, ‘was your true love story. But she could have been seriously hurt hitching to the city in the middle of the night.’
How could he think, after everything we shared, that I’m still hung up on Joel?
I search for some hope in his expression but there is none. I guess when you’ve slept with someone and had a baby, a few kisses don’t mean much. But for me, kissing Sebastian was everything.
I’m tempted to blame Chay, but the excuses don’t come. I could have stopped her the first time Lana went to try to meet him. I could have come clean to Sebastian when he was so determined to find the person behind the online picture.
But I didn’t.
I waited until I heard Lana sobbing in the toilets. Whatever display she pulled together for the witnesses, I know she was suffering, and she’d involved her heart with a boy who didn’t exist.
‘It wasn’t really about Joel.’
His brow lifts.
I cling to the fact that at least he’s showing something. ‘She humiliated me. It seemed only fair to try to get her back. I didn’t know … you or what she was really like.’ Because while I don’t like Lana, I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her and the way she’s been relegated to the background by what Sebastian did before they came here.
‘You could have stopped it.’
I nod. ‘I should have.’
‘You lied to me.’ His voice is so low I can hardly hear it. ‘You stood there in your bedroom and criticised me for misleading you about Poppy, and all the time you were keeping this secret.’ For the first time I glimpse agony in the depths of his beautiful eyes. ‘You said you didn’t know me. Well, baby, I don’t know who you are either.’
The sickness in my stomach is spreading through my body. I never imagined my knees and elbows could feel nauseous but the bile in my throat might as well be pumping through my veins. ‘I thought you’d hate me.’
He doesn’t respond and I die a little inside. This is it. Until now I hoped we could work things out somehow. I’ve cried for the way he hurt me, and for the way I knew I was going to hurt him, but I always had hope.
Not anymore. We’re over.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
My stinging eyes aren’t listening. Everything I tried to avoid is happening and it’s worse because I didn’t confront it.
‘You stand there all hurt and offended but you were the one who told Lana. You said you’d tell her to leave me alone but instead you told her about my father.’
He swallows. ‘I didn’t think she’d say anything.’
Now I let the anger course through me. It’s a relief to feel it overwhelm some of the pain. ‘You made a mistake, huh? Amazing how it’s okay for you to betray me to the one person who seems to revel in humiliating me, but heaven help me if I’m not perfect.’
He doesn’t reply. He stares at me from an arm’s reach away, but he might as well be on another planet.
I want to scream with the pain of it. ‘Say something.’ My plea comes out as a whimper. The anger subsides again and the tears I’ve been fighting fall free and trail down my cheeks, but I wipe them away because I don’t want him to think I’m trying to manipulate him.
For a second I think he’s going to reach out. His hand lifts from his side but only to go in his pocket.
His jaw tightens. ‘I don’t think there’s anything left to say.’