Soon after my daughter turned 2, I lost her in Super Target. We were standing in the baby section as I decided between two brands of diapers. One minute, my daughter was right there next to me and then she was gone. A gut twisting, eyes-see-white, panic washed over me. I tried to hold it together as I ran to the next aisle, screaming her name. She’s not there. Teetering on the edge of hysteria, I continued to the next aisle. No luck. As I turned the corner of the third aisle, I saw her. Relief. The crazy instantly went away, although it took me several minutes to catch my breath.
Nothing scares us more than not being able to protect our children. We want to give them the freedom to go out and play without us but deep down, we worry someone may take them if we’re not there. We allow them to access the Internet and then we question our decision. How can we be sure who they are talking to? There’s a news report of a child accidentally shooting himself and we think what if? We’re frustrated when our child tells us he is bullied, but other than taking care of that bully once and for all ourselves, we don’t know how to help him handle the situation. In this chapter, let’s look at some of those worries—abduction, technology, guns, and bullies—and discuss what we can do to help keep our kids safe.
Our fears intensify when we hear of a child snatched off the street but the reality is stranger abductions are rare. In the last nationwide study, out of 800,000 reports of missing kids in one year, a much smaller number, 115, were taken by a stranger. Family members—usually a result of a custody dispute—take far more kids than strangers do. And the vast majority of missing children are lost, abandoned or runaway from home. Also included in the number are kids whose parents report them missing before finding out they were just not where they said they’d be.
Even if there’s a low probability your child will be snatched off the street by a stranger, as parents, our job is to educate our kids on how to stay safe. The good news is there are some simple strategies to accomplish this.
Little ones have a hard time grasping the concept of a stranger. Most children hear the word stranger and imagine someone who is mean and looks scary or dirty. Someone who acts nice and looks normal is not a stranger in their eyes and unfortunately, kidnappers and molesters know this. Many will spiff up their appearance in an effort to lure your child away easier.
Also, teaching your child never to talk to strangers can backfire if one day your child needs the help of a stranger. Imagine what would happen if she’s lost in the mall and she won’t talk to a policemen or a store clerk.
Finally, the chance your child will be abducted or exploited by a stranger is slim. Seventy-five percent of kidnapped children are abducted by a family member or someone they recognize. Instead of trying to explain who is and who isn’t a stranger, focus on teaching your child to watch out for bad adult behavior like inappropriate touching, asking her for help, and telling her to keep secrets.
Developing a plan of action with your kids is the best way to be sure they will know what to do if they’re ever approached by a potential predator. Plus it will make them a more difficult target, which could ultimately prevent them from being taken.
The first part of the plan is to create the no-exceptions rule—your child should always ask for your permission before they accept anything or go anywhere with an adult. Be sure they understand if someone asks for them for help, they need to check with you before they lend a hand.
Your children should be taught that keeping secrets is not allowed in your family. In fact, eliminate the word secret from your vocabulary. If you are planning a surprise for someone, call it just that. A surprise. Sexual predators often say things like “This is our secret.” Make your child understand they need to tell you if someone asks them to keep a secret. No matter what.
Another part of the plan is to get your kids to agree on some basic safety rules. If they’re hanging around the neighborhood, they should always travel with a friend or two. Insist they always use a sidewalk, which will make it more difficult for someone in a car to snatch them. If a sidewalk is not available, tell them to walk as far away from the curb as possible. It’s also good practice to walk facing traffic so a car pulling up along side of them won’t surprise them. If a car does pull up, advise your kids to run away toward the direction of the rear of the car. Putting a car in reverse quickly is harder to do than accelerating forward so the car will have difficulty following them.
What should your children do if someone grabs them? Tell them to grab something else. Grab whatever is in reach—a sign, a tree, another person—and don’t let go. Or show them how to make large circles with their arms as if they are swimming. This makes it more difficult for someone to hold onto to them. Finally, they should yell “Fire!” or “I’m being kidnapped!” because there’s a good chance your neighbors are used to hearing playing children’s screams and won’t investigate unless they hear something unusual.
We all have a built-in alarm that’s triggered when danger is lurking. It may take the form of a little voice telling you to beware or an icky feeling in the pit of your stomach. Our kids need to be reminded that if something doesn’t seem right and even if they’re not sure what it is, they should trust that feeling and get to safety.
They also need to be reminded that if this gut feeling, or instinct kicks in, all polite behavior rules are thrown out the window. This is one time when it’s OK to say no to an adult and even be rude if something seems off.
A family password is a secret phrase or code word known by you and your children only. It’s a security measure your family uses if there’s ever an emergency and you need to send someone to pick up your child but your child isn’t expecting them. Once the person says the password, your child knows you have sent him and it’s OK to go with him.
Having a family passwords also makes it difficult for a stranger to lure your child away. Not long ago, news reports told of a foiled kidnapping. A stranger approached two 8 year old boys in Utah after a scouting event. The man said he was there because the boys’ parents had asked him to pick them up. The boys asked for the password and the man didn’t know it. It was instantly clear this was a dangerous situation and they ran back to the event to get help.
Choose a word or phrase that’s simple to remember. Avoid words that are obvious to people outside of your family like the name of your dog or favorite sports team. Once you’ve chosen the word or phrase, use it only once. After it’s used, choose a new password.
I’ll admit I’ve entertained the thought of taking the iPad away. But I’ve since realized banning the Internet is not the answer. Kids will find a way to get access...usually through a friend. And technology is a huge part of school curriculums these days. So what can we do to ensure they have the safest experience possible? Teach them to be “technology smart”. Set rules and guide them towards taking responsibility for their own safety online.
Setting guidelines for technology use will help prevent your child from getting in trouble online. Start by keeping devices and gaming consoles where you can see them. Will you be able to casually walk by and see what’s going on if the game consoles are on the basement TV? Same goes for the family computer. Pick a quiet—but not secluded spot—where your child can work. If your child has a mobile device or laptop, will you allow them to hide away in their room with it?
Decide on what is appropriate content and what isn’t. For young children, you’ll want to get familiar with the site first before you give them free rein to explore. Make a list of approved sites your kids can visit and games they can play. Be sure they understand any site or game that’s not on the list requires special permission from you before they visit. Be prepared to adjust the restrictions as your child gets older. Is YouTube allowed? Do they need your permission before they register on a new website or download a new app? Set age appropriate rules and once the rules are established, be clear about the consequences. And always follow-through.
Decide on how much online time is appropriate. According to the Family Online Safety Institute, parents underestimate how much screen time their children get. While we think our children average two hours a day online, the real number is more like five. Set a time limit and stick to it.
Insist on Tech-Free Zones. Establish rules about when technology is not allowed. Can your child bring an electronic device to school? Will the phone or iPad be allowed at the dinner table? Is there a cut-off time when texting and face-timing isn’t allowed? Will your child be required to surrender their device to you at bedtime so they don’t stay up surfing the net all night?
A technology contract spells out your rules and expectations. It holds your child accountable. If it’s written down no one can say “I didn’t know”. Ultimately, a contract is more about starting a family conversation about technology than it is about getting it written on paper, however a documented agreement will keep everyone on the same page. Sit down with your child and go over the guidelines. In addition to approved websites, time limits and technology-free zones, you may want address the following:
During the discussion, you’ll probably discover you will have a different set of rules for each device—cell phone, computer, gaming console. If that’s the case, no problem. Draw up a technology contract for each one.
Talk to your children regularly about online dangers like inappropriate content, online predators, loss of privacy and damaged reputations. Make sure they understand how these dangers could harm them.
There’s a lot of stuff on the Internet that’s inappropriate for kids and unfortunately, it’s not too difficult for them to find it. Porn, violence and other sketchy material are only a click away. If you are worried about your children stumbling across content that could scar their innocent eyes, or your child has trouble adhering to your online time limit rule, consider using filters and monitoring tools. Parental controls are available for most devices. Check with your wireless and Internet service providers as well as your browser to see what’s available and if it will meet your needs. If it’s not enough, consider purchasing software like Net Nanny.
If you choose to use parental controls, just know they aren’t perfect. There’s still a chance an inappropriate website could get through. And they may do nothing to prevent information from going out so you’ll still need to pay attention to how your child is using the Web.
According to research, the chance that your child will be harmed by someone they met online is slim. But my motto is it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to my kids. I mean, why wouldn’t you teach your kids basic Internet safety practices to ensure that a slim chance is slimmer?
Young kids should never give out personal information online whether it’s their info, their brother or sister’s or even yours. Make this a no-exceptions rule: Do not share your full name, age, phone number, email address, password, school, address or photo without permission from Mom or Dad.
As your child gets older, you may want to adjust this rule slightly. Who can your child give information to and what information is allowed? For example, you may decide it’s OK for your teen to give out their email address, but home address is still not allowed.
Caution your tweens and teens against talking about sex with anyone online and be sure they understand they should never get together with someone they met over the Internet without your permission. Then tell them why so they will understand the possible consequences of their actions.
What do you do if you’ve discussed online predators with your child but you have a feeling something is going on? Don’t ignore it. Talk to your child and don’t hesitate to ask plenty of questions.
Children are impulsive and spontaneous and that can work against them to when it comes to preserving their privacy online. It’s not unusual for kids to share information or photos that are embarrassing to themselves or the family without thinking Is this TMI? In addition, they freely give out all sorts of private information—name, birth date, or your credit card number—every time they open a social media account, download an app, or shop online.
Start a conversation about keeping private information private and the risks like online identity theft, behavioral marketing, and fraud. Instruct your child to avoid contests, giveaways and questionnaires as these are created to collect personal information. Be sure to turn off the GPS settings on all devices that give away your child’s location. Some mobile apps collect personal information, including location, calendar and contacts. To find out what information is collected and how it’s shared, scan the app permissions and decide if it’s right for your child before he downloads it. If your son or daughter is active on social networks, set the privacy settings on the accounts yourself and occasionally check to make sure your child hasn’t changed them.
Educate your child about the consequences of clicking links in emails from unknown senders, opening up web pages that contain viruses, and phishing scams that try to trick people into giving personal information or money.
Also teach your child how to create a strong password. No pets’ names or birthdates, please! For the best protection, use a different password on each account. Make sure your child understands that passwords are not to be shared with anyone—not boyfriends, girlfriends and even best friends—for any reason, period.
Think back to your teen years and you’ll probably be grateful Facebook didn’t exist. We all have at least one thing in our past we’d just as soon erase from our memory. Now, imagine if that memory is forever archived online and someone can pull it up and share it on social media!
If your thinking privacy settings will protect your son or daughter, think again. Nothing on the Internet is ever really private. The reality is they’ve lost control the moment they clicked share. Even if you go back and delete the comment or photo, you don’t know who has already copied, pasted, and saved it with the intention of sharing at a later date.
Kids have been kicked off sports teams because they’ve posted inappropriate photos or comments to social media. Even worse, some have been in trouble with the law for sexting. Talk to your teen and help him understand that everything he says online and anything anyone else says about him leaves a digital footprint that can’t be erased. Encourage him to think twice before he tweets or texts. A good way he can measure if it’s appropriate is to ask himself, would I do or say this in person in front of my parents, grandparents, college admissions officer, or employer? If the answer is no then he shouldn’t do it online. Remind him there are no “take-backs.” Once it’s posted, it’s forever out there.
With little ones, being involved will most likely mean sitting next to them while they are online. There’s no doubt, it can be painful to spend an hour clicking around PBS Kids but it’s the best way teach online safety to young kids while making sure they stay safe.
Older children will balk at the idea of you looking over their shoulder but you still should be involved in their online world. Chances are they know more about what’s out there in the techno world than you do, but try to be informed about websites, social media and apps your child uses. I can’t count the number of phone calls I’ve received from a friend giving me a heads up to the latest and greatest social networks in our tweens’ digital world. I mean why does Snapchat have to arrive on the scene when I’m just getting the hang of Instagram? Asking your child to teach you is the easiest way to learn. Be genuinely interested as they show you what they do online and ask questions.
One of the best ways to stay on top of your child’s online activity is to get on social media yourself and friend or follow them. Be prepared for your son or daughter to not like this idea but don’t give in. Having access to your child’s page helps you stay on top of what’s posted and it should cause your child to think twice before he posts something questionable. But do your child a favor. Once you’ve been let into his corner of the web, stay invisible. Commenting on posts or sharing photos will only embarrass him.
In my house, we have a no-password rule. I want to be pick up my daughter’s iPad and have access to her social media at any time. Even with no password on the device, there are still plenty of websites with passwords. I recommend you get a list of the log-ons and passwords for all social media accounts and websites your child uses and explain you will only use the access in an emergency.
Lastly, being involved means being approachable. When your child comes to you with an Internet problem whether it’s inappropriate content or a nasty message from a so-called friend, stay calm and help them navigate through it. If you want to keep the lines of communication open, the worst thing you can do is punish them by banning the Internet.
Now it’s time to turn the mirror onto yourself. Are you constantly on your cell phone or iPad? Follow your own rules and turn off the technology. You can’t expect your child to strike a balance with his usage when you’re not able to yourself. Remember, you are a role model so if you’re doing something—like texting and driving—you can expect your kids to follow suit.
How to teach kids about guns is almost as controversial as the guns themselves. Some parents believe the way to teach children to be safe around guns is to expose them to guns. If you teach young kids to shoot and how to properly handle a gun, their curiosity diminishes. Then if they find one, they will be less likely to play with it.
Other parents educate their kids about the dangers of guns and teach them to never touch a gun. Some schools are taking this stance and are implementing gun safety programs in their curriculum, like The Eddie Eagle GunSafe Program. Developed by a task force of teachers, law enforcement personnel, and psychologists, this program is available to parents through the National Rifle Association. The program includes tools to teach kids one message: If you find a gun, stop! Don’t touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.
You’ve taken safety precautions to keep your kids safe from guns in your home and you assume your child’s friend’s parents have to, but are you certain? The only way you can find out for sure is to ask before you send your little one over to play. Here are some tips to make asking less awkward:
Unfortunately, studies have shown that many children who have been trained not to touch a gun still can’t resist. The only guaranteed way to prevent your kids from a gun accident is to keep your guns unloaded and locked away. Store unloaded firearms in a locked cabinet, gun vault or safe. Store the ammunition in a separate locked location. Hiding a gun in a drawer or on the top shelf of your closest is not safe. Kids are experts at finding things we think are hidden from them.
Even if the guns in your home are stored safely away from little hands, you can’t assume every gun owner takes the same precautions. Therefore you still need to talk to your children about the dangers of guns. Talk about what they should do if they see a gun when away from home. Quiz them regularly. Make a lesson out of the violence you see on television and in video games. Stress how it differs from violence in real life.
Bullying is when one kid tries to have power over another by repeatedly being mean or hurtful. Bullies may physically or verbally attack, threaten or spread rumors about their victims. Intentionally excluding someone from a group is also an example of bullying.
Kids who bully may have never learned it’s not right to pick on others who are different. Or they may feel insecure and preying on weaker kids makes them feel better about themselves. Sometimes kids bully because they have difficulty managing their own feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration.
Starting when your kids are young, teach them to be kind and respectful of others. Make sure your kids understand that making fun of people who are different is wrong. Look for opportunities, like community service projects, to expose your children to a variety of people.
Talk to your kids about bullying. Explain what it is and let them know they can come to you for help if they feel bullied. Also encourage them to intervene if they see other kids being picked on.
Encourage your kids to get involved in group activities and hobbies outside of school. They will build relationships with others who have similar interests and at the same time build their confidence.
Be there for your children. Kids are more likely to come to you with a problem if they feel like the door is always open. Plan an activity to do together on a regular basis or set aside ten or 15 minutes each day just to talk. Find out what their life is like. Ask questions like “Who did you sit with at lunch?” or “What good things happened today?”
Hopefully, your child will come to you if he is bullied at school but sometimes kids feel ashamed of what’s happening or worry you’ll be disappointed so they keep it to themselves. Here are signs your child may be dealing with bullies and isn’t telling you:
If your child is the target of bullies, there are some things you can do to help. First, stay calm. Listen to your child tell you what’s happening and how they feel about it. Don’t freak out or your child may not feel comfortable coming to you in the future. Gather as much information as you can about what’s happening, when it’s happening, and how long it’s been happening.
Help your child come up with strategies to deal with the bullying on his own. Start a conversation about ways he can handle it, like walking away or acting unaffected. Bullies thrive on reactions. It makes them feel powerful. If they aren’t getting a rise out of your child they may stop. Don’t advise him to “hit back” as this could make the situation worse or result in your child getting suspended or expelled. Identify people at school that he can go to for help. Once your child has decided on a strategy, practice it. Role play will increase your child’s confidence.
If the bullying continues, contact the school. Arrange a meeting with the teacher and principal and calmly, inform them of the facts. Let them know you’re willing to work with them to resolve the situation. Learn about the school’s anti-bullying policies and find out what they plan to do. Set a follow-up appointment to check on their progress.
None of us wants to admit our child could be a bully but it’s important we recognize the signs so we can do something about it.
If you’ve gotten the dreaded call from school that your child has been involved in a bullying incident, there are a few steps you need to take. First, establish a no-bullying rule for home and school. Let your child know that you will not tolerate the behavior and there will be serious consequences. Then be sure you follow through immediately if you learn he is involved in an incident.
Talk to your child and try to find out why he’s doing it. If he tries to pass the blame onto someone else, tell him you want to hear about his role in the incident only. Then encourage empathy by asking him how he would feel in the victim’s shoes. Together, come up with a way he can apologize to the victim.
Find out what others think about your child’s behavior. Teachers, guidance counselors and administrators may be able to shed some light on what’s happening at school. Is your child struggling with anger? Who is your child hanging around with? Look for anything that could be influencing the behavior.
Then look at your own behavior. How do you talk to your kids? Do you have trouble managing your anger? Are you able to work through conflicts with others? Your kids are learning how to treat others by watching you. If yelling, name calling, putdowns and harsh criticism are a norm in your house, your kids may think these learned behaviors are acceptable anywhere.
Most importantly, if the bullying doesn’t stop, reach out to a counselor for help.
Cyberbullying is using technology to bully someone. One child harasses, threatens or embarrasses another through emails, text messages, interactive games, or on social media. Cyberbullying can be more upsetting than in-person bullying for several reasons. First, victims feel like they can’t escape the bullies because cyberbullying can happen anywhere at anytime. Also, the aggression may be more extreme because kids will often say things online they would never say face-to-face. And many times the harassment is anonymous so it’s difficult to trace.
If your child is the target of cyberbullies there are some things you can do. First, as tempting as it is, don’t take away your child’s technology. Many victims will hide cyberbullying from their parents for fear of losing online access. Print or save all emails, texts or posts for evidence. Block the bully from contacting your child via the cell phone provider. Do the same thing on social media channels. Then, take the same steps for handling in-person bullying. Don’t respond to harassment, involve the bully’s parents and school. You may have to take it one step further and report it the police as cyberbullies can sometimes be guilty of cyberstalking and other technology-related crimes.
