Chapter 6

Toby sat with his head in his hands; he’d hardly slept all night for coughing and being short of breath and now Mary was lecturing him about his health yet again. Didn’t she realise by now that she was wasting her time? That no amount of lecturing and threats of the doctor was going to mend him? Her head had been full of her work of late and she had hardly seen him or had any time for him and his worries, which was perhaps for the best as it would only have given her more concerns if she had realised just how ill he was.

‘Right, enough of this delaying; I’m going to go with you this morning and see what Dr Pritchard has to say.’ Mary stood with her hands on her hips in her usual bossy stance and looked down at Toby, who was fighting for breath. ‘And another thing, you don’t go into work tomorrow; we can afford to look after you for a day or two so those horses will have to be looked after by somebody else, just until you shake this cough off.’ Mary breathed in deeply and shook her head; her brother looked terrible and every day his cough was getting worse.

‘Will you be quiet, our lass? You needn’t bother yourself about going to the doctor, Mary, I’ve already been. I went just before we moved in here and I’m not going back.’ Toby sighed and looked up into Mary’s eyes and she stared at him in disbelief.

‘Why didn’t you tell me instead of letting me witter on at you? What did he say? Is it the dust from the hay that’s getting on your chest? Perhaps you’d be better changing your job.’ Mary looked with concern at the foster brother she loved dearly.

Toby shook his head. ‘Ah, Mary, I’ve stopped myself from telling you this in the hope that the doctor was wrong, but I fear he isn’t.’ He looked up at Mary and sighed. ‘I’m dying, our Mary, there’s nowt the doctor can do for me. He says I’ve got consumption.’ Toby looked at the shock on Mary’s face and said nothing as she flopped like a rag doll into the chair across from him.

‘You can’t be dying! He must be wrong. You are not that ill, surely?’ Mary leaned forward and looked at Toby; he’d got to be wrong! She couldn’t face life without him. He’d always been there for her, her brother in all but blood. ‘You can’t have consumption, Toby. My mother died from it and I’ll not let it take away somebody I love again,’ Mary sobbed

‘The doctor’s not wrong. Every time I cough now, I cough up blood and have done so for a while and even when I’m just sitting down, I’m fighting badly for a breath of late. My lungs are knackered, Mary.’ Toby shook his head again and looked at her with love.

‘I don’t believe you, the doctor’s got to be wrong. We’ll get a second opinion.’ Mary couldn’t believe the news that her brother had just given her.

‘You needn’t waste your money. Look, I know he’s right.’ Toby fished a blood-covered rag from out of his pocket. ‘This is just what I’ve coughed up this morning and it’s getting worse with each day that goes by. I’m sorry, Mary, I don’t want to leave this earth and I don’t want to leave you on your own.’ Toby dropped his head, dejected and heart-broken; he wasn’t ready to face death, he was too young – he’d thought, not so long ago, that he was immortal and that he would live forever.

Tears ran down Mary’s face as she dropped down onto her knees and held him close to her. ‘You’ve got to fight it, Toby! I’ll be there for you – I’ll pack my job in and nurse you better. You can’t be leaving me.’

‘You’ll not pack your job in, for you’ll need the money after I’ve gone. Besides, I don’t have long. I’ve been surviving by taking laudanum of late and I told them at the livery station that yesterday was my last day because I haven’t got the strength to manage the tackle and care for the horses any more. I’ve been struggling for a long time, if I’m honest.’ Toby held Mary tight and wanted to sob on her shoulder, but he had to be brave for her sake.

Mary leant back on her heels and, looking into Toby’s eyes, wiped her face clear of her tears. ‘I’ll be strong for you, Toby. I’ll nurse you the best I can – and don’t you worry about me, you just look after yourself. We’ve got to be strong, both of us, and I’ll go and tell your father that you’re ill – he’s got a right to know and surely he will care?’ Mary breathed in deeply and tried to control her sobs.

‘No, you don’t tell my father. He hasn’t bothered with me while I was alive and I don’t want him to bother with me in my death. Besides, the day we left home I went back and he told me to bugger off, so he doesn’t care one bit about us. I’ve enough money saved to bury me and there’s money to keep you in the house for a week or two while I kick my clogs and, hopefully, for a while after.’ Toby had been thinking about his own mortality for some time and while he hadn’t wanted to believe the doctor, he had put plans in place while Mary worked the long hours at Whitelock’s. ‘You keep your job, Mary; I don’t want you moping at my bedside, and you are best being kept busy. Go out there and make the most of your life.’

‘I don’t know if I want to do that without you by my side. You’ve always been there for me,’ Mary sobbed.

‘Now listen, you go and make a life of your own, find a good man, have yourself a family and live each day to the full. My days on this earth are nearly at an end and I know it, but yours are just starting. We can’t alter it, but we can learn from it.’ Toby held her close to him. ‘I love you like my sister, more than I have ever loved anyone in this world. I’ll always love you, Mary.’

She looked at him, her heart breaking. She’d faced many things in her life but Toby had always been the true constant in it, the one person she could absolutely rely on being there for her. ‘I’ll be here for you for as long as you want me to be – and I’ll never leave your side in a time of need,’ Mary whispered, suddenly frightened of the life by herself that lay in front of her, but she’d have to cope, come what may.

Life was getting more and more difficult for Mary. Now, as she ran down Briggate, she thought of how she was struggling with her job, trying to learn everything Lizzie showed her, but at the same time she’d had no word from John Whitelock about being made head barmaid on Lizzie’s departure. And her life at home was breaking her heart. Toby was now bedridden and had been for the last month; he lay, lethargic and fighting for breath, but still insisting that she didn’t lose her job because of him. Everyone at Whitelock’s had shown sympathy and had covered for her if she had been a minute or two late, especially Lizzie, who had seen her crying and worrying and had done her best to console her when she was at her lowest. She was torn between bettering herself at work and caring for the one person who had always been there for her. She found herself running down the street, her legs not going fast enough to get her home, hoping that Toby was still alive after her day of trying to look as though she hadn’t a care in the world to the customers who came into Whitelock’s.

Old Tess beckoned from her doorway as Mary ran into the small yard that had become her and Toby’s home. ‘He sounds in a bad way today, Mary, I’ve heard him yelling for relief even inside my house. I’ve been a time or two to his bedside, just to check that he’s still in the land of the living but he doesn’t recognise me because the laudanum’s got a hold of him. I’d prepare yourself for the worst, lass, he’s not long for this world. Now, you know where I’m at, lass, and he’ll need laying out, which I’ve done many a time, so you just knock on my door when he’s left this earth.’

Mary whispered a quick thank you to the old woman who knew everybody’s business but had been a boon to her while Toby had been ill, making sure that he’d been fed and was comfortable while she went to work. She hadn’t time to talk to her today, however, and she flew to open the cracked door and shouted upstairs to tell Toby she was home. She threw her shawl down onto the kitchen chair and ran upstairs. At least Toby was still alive – she could hear low moans as she walked along the creaking landing and entered his bedroom.

‘I’m here now, Toby, you’re no longer alone. I’m here, hold my hand.’ Mary pulled a bedroom chair up and sat by the side of her dying brother, grasping his hand tightly as he fought for his breath and moaned in pain. ‘I’m sorry, I should have stayed with you today; I knew you were worse this morning, but you insisted that I left you.’ She picked up his hand and kissed it as Toby turned his head to look at her.

‘I’ve had the strangest dream, Mary. My mother and Nell were with me and they smiled and said it was good to see me, that soon I’d be free of pain. But I’m so cold, Mary, and it does hurt so much,’ Toby gasped and tried to grip her hand tight.

‘I’ll get the covers from my bed, keep you warm and safe; I’m by your side now.’ Mary fought back the tears. Toby was grey in colour and his breathing laboured as she kissed his brow and then went to her room to get her patchwork quilt to put over him. ‘There now, let’s tuck you in and get you warm,’ Mary said as she placed the quilt over her brother, but there was no reply. The heavy breathing had ceased and she realised that his body was at last free of pain and worry; Toby had joined the two mothers who had called him to their world.

‘Toby, don’t leave me! I can’t face this world on my own! Please, please, don’t leave me!’ Mary sobbed. She clung to his body, not hearing Tess creep upstairs. The old woman stood behind her and gently put a hand on Mary’s shoulder.

‘Leave him be, lass, he’s gone to a better spot than this world. Nowt can hurt him now …’ She held Mary’s shaking, distraught body to her and kissed her.

‘He’d waited for my return, Tess, he knew he was dying and he waited to say goodbye,’ Mary whimpered and buried her head in the old woman’s shoulder.

‘Aye, that’s what they do, lass; there are more things to this life than we will ever know. You’ve just to remember he’ll always be with you, in your heart or looking down upon you. You just can’t see him. Sshh, now, it’ll be all right, you’ve got old Tess to keep an eye on you, and you’ve got to make the best of each day, take what you want from it and lead a good life. That’s what your Toby would have wanted for you. Now, stop your crying and let’s get the doctor to say he’s passed away and then I’ll lay him out for you.’

Tess looked down at the young man who had not had the time on earth he should have been allowed. She’d seen death stalking the streets of Leeds lots of times before and knew it would break his sister’s heart for a while and then, hopefully, it would make her a stronger woman. Death of a loved one did that; it made you realise that life was precious and you had to grab it with both hands. ‘Now come on, let me make you a brew and then I’ll go for the doctor. There’s nowt more to be done here now, my love.’

Mary raised her head from the old woman’s shoulder and glanced at Toby, who looked at peace in his bed. ‘I’m going to miss him so much, Tess, but I’ll not let him down. I will become someone he would have been proud of because, just like you, he told me to make the most of life and that is what I’ll do.’

‘That’s it, lass, best foot forward and look to the future, never look back at what’s been and gone. Now, let’s put that kettle on and then we’ll see to him and his affairs. Life goes on and no man or woman can ever stop it.’ Tess put her arm around the young woman she had grown fond of; she’d be there if she was needed, but somehow she knew Mary had it in her to make it in life on her own.