I’m going to kill Ella.
You know I’m not going to share my sources.
The conniving little sneak.
It just really sucks that I’m going to have to murder her just as I was beginning to enjoy her company.
I’m not sure if the floors creak or if I gasp, but three sets of eyes spin to face me at the same time. Ella looks amused, Ruby looks thrilled, and Kai…well, I can’t look at Kai for long enough to decipher the soft look in his eyes or the crooked smile tugging at his lips.
Just seeing him again causes my body to react. My lips begin to tingle and it’s as if every single piece of me is begging for more.
Freaking Ella.
“Did you find anything you liked upstairs?” Ruby asks, the sweet, unsuspecting woman having no idea that tensions are rapidly rising inside the gallery.
“It was all beautiful.” I tell her the truth and her eyes light up. Part of me wants to skip back up those stairs, fall into my bohemian fantasy, and buy every single piece that makes my heart sing. And not just to escape from being around Ella and Kai either. “It just wasn’t really for me.”
I soften my voice as I tell this lie and I don’t know if I’m saying it for her or for me.
Ever since Ella got here, I’ve been lying all the damn time. Whether it’s a lie of omission or just straight-out false, I haven’t felt any real guilt over it. But for some reason, this feels different. This feels like I’m intentionally shutting down a part of me that I just discovered has been yearning to be freed. This feels like I’m betraying myself more than anyone else.
“That’s too bad.” She sounds as sad as I do before her entire face brightens as she remembers something. “Oh! And the artist for the glass pie you loved is back, but I think you already knew that.”
She winks at me, and on anyone else it would’ve looked totally dorky, but with her pink hair and nose ring, it was supremely cool. And also mortifying, because now I know without a doubt that Ella said something embarrassing before I came back.
I try to give her my best smile as a response, but I’m about 99 percent sure it just looks like a grimace.
“Kai.” I nod my head and try to beat back the traitorous fucking butterflies that infiltrate my stomach when I mention his name. My palms itch to touch his hair that looks like it’s grown since I last saw him. “Nice to see you again.”
“It’s been too long,” he says, and I couldn’t agree more. “I’ve been harassing Ella to give me your number, but she refused. Said it broke sister code and that I’d have to get you to give it to me yourself.”
Ella sticks out her tongue at me like this somehow negates the fact that she drove me two hours away from home to ambush me with his presence.
“It’s nice to hear that she at least has some boundaries.” I want to stay where I’m standing…or better yet, be a couple of blocks away in my car. Being around Kai is dangerous, because there’s a disconnect that happens between my body and my brain when I’m near him. It’s like I’m incapable of thinking, I can only feel. I slowly close the space between us until my shoulder is nearly grazing his arm and we’re both looking at the glass pie I still viscerally need. “You left out that you were an artist when we were on the boat.”
“It’s a yacht, not a boat,” Ella cuts in, because God forbid she ever stays quiet. “There’s a difference.”
Ruby must see my face and realize that Ella is putting her commission in jeopardy because she moves lightning fast.
“Why don’t I show you the upstairs space?” She loops her arm through Ella’s, quickly and effectively removing her from me and Kai.
Hmmmm…Maybe I should’ve asked Mom and Dad to have a third kid so they could’ve run interference on Ella and I our entire lives.
Kai’s raspy chuckle pulls me back into the moment. “She’s a nut.”
I glance away from the corner Ella disappeared into and look up at Kai, laughing with him. “Understatement of the century.”
The relief I felt at Ella’s temporary removal disappears as soon as I realize that not only am I alone with Kai, but that I was also too distracted to remember to keep my guard up. And now that I’ve made the mistake, it’s too late to do anything about it.
Seeing him across the room was one thing.
As long as I didn’t look into his eyes, I’d be fine. I could close the space between us and savor the closeness as his T-shirt brushed across my bare arm. It’d be like pulling from an unlit cigarette. I’d get the fix without the damage.
But now that I’m inches away from the lips I’ve been craving and staring into the blue eyes that have undressed me in my dreams almost every night since I met him, I can’t look away. I can’t separate what was a dream from what was reality or why they can’t be one and the same.
I should’ve run.
I should’ve just said no like the D.A.R.E. officers taught me in school. I just wasn’t prepared for this. They didn’t know anything was as addictive as the man standing beside me.
“So…” I squeeze my eyes shut to try to clear my head. “Why didn’t you mention you were an artist?”
“You didn’t really ask.” He shrugs.
“Do people normally ask if you have a glassblowing hobby?” I know I’m not the most skilled person at small talk, but even I know that’s not a common question.
“It doesn’t always come up in everyday conversation.” His dimpled smile pulls at the corner of his lips. “I was so busy learning about the many dolphin atrocities that it must have slipped my mind.”
The teasing tone in his voice makes me laugh, and as seems to be the norm when I’m around him, my body reacts before I can think about it. My hand reaches up and lightly shoves his—very firm—bicep. “Shut up!”
I want to hate being around Kai. I want to feel awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t want to love the way it feels to laugh and joke with him. I don’t want my laughter to come so easily and naturally. I don’t want to remember how much I’ve missed this feeling. It’s a wonderful, terrible distraction from the steps I know I should be taking to get The Plan for my life back on track.
The playful dynamic Vaughn and I had when we first started dating faded away years ago. The fun and easy relationship that drew us together lessened with every bump we hit until we were just fighting to stay on the road.
And I’ve worked so hard to course correct and make him happy that I forgot what something truly easy and natural felt like.
I thought I just wanted the spark back when in reality, I wanted this.
So I let myself indulge in this moment. I let my hand rest on his arm for seconds longer than I should. I savor the fuzzy giddiness that I feel when I’m around him. I don’t question the way my heart races when he reaches up and our fingers interlock.
Hand holding seems so innocent, something you do with your elementary school crush. Between social media, apps, and television shows, everything feels like it needs to be overtly sexual, and small moments like this seem obsolete. I mean, I couldn’t even tell you the last time Vaughn only wanted to hold my hand. Maybe that’s why this small thing feels so big. The pureness of this moment. It’s quiet and tender. And it’s like his touch has awoken every nerve in my entire body.
Kai’s hands feel so different than what I’m used to. His fingers are long and his skin is soft. Vaughn’s grip always felt tight and demanding, but somehow, Kai’s gentle embrace feels more secure…solid.
There’s a rightness between us that I can’t deny.
That I won’t deny.
So instead of holding back and talking myself out of what I really want, I don’t stop myself from rolling on my tiptoes and touching my mouth to his when I look into his ocean-blue eyes.
Vaughn who?
“I really like you,” he whispers against my mouth, his fingers flexing with mine.
No games. No chasing. No bullshit.
“I really like you too,” I whisper back. “And I like your pie.”
“The pie?” He smiles, and for the first time, I think we both remember where we are.
I pull away and regret it instantly, but even though Ella would be beyond delighted to catch us kissing, I can’t give her the satisfaction. Not yet, at least.
“It’s really beautiful and my apartment is woefully underdecorated.” I try to focus on my breathing…and on remembering what words are and how to use them. “I’ve spent the last two years telling Ella it was an intentional design choice, but now I’m obsessed with a glassblown cake stand and pie. I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m having a midlife crisis.”
“You’re not old enough to have a midlife crisis. Maybe you’re having a quarter-life awakening,” he says with not one ounce of irony in his voice.
If Ella told me I was experiencing an awakening, I would mock her endlessly. But for some reason I let the idea sink in when Kai says it. Maybe it’s because his thumb is drawing circles across the back of my hand as he says it…
“An awakening?” I test the word, seeing how it feels. “I kind of like the idea of that.”
The incoming sound of high heels clicking against the floor alerts us to incoming company. I step away from him, but even though I probably should, I can’t let go of his hand just yet.
“Hi!” Ruby barges back into the gallery with a frazzled look on her face. She doesn’t even notice our interlocked fingers. “So I just got off the phone with Melissa and I have good news—she told me four of your pieces have sold through the online listing she sent out over the week.”
“Oh my god! That’s amazing, Kai!” I didn’t know I could be this excited about art, but here we are and I’m into it. “Congratulations!”
“Thanks, Maya.” He looks down at me, and even though it’s not his dimple-popping smile, I get the distinct feeling that it’s not a look he gives many people…and for that reason I think I like this one a whole lot more.
Like…loads more.
I wonder if this is how he’d look at me if we woke up next to each other.
“There’s just one thing…” Ruby reminds me that she’s still in the room with us. “One of the things that sold is the pie.”
“Oh.” I look away from Kai, trying not to let the disappointment over a material object I never even owned show, but failing miserably.
“I’m so sorry.” Ruby sounds more upset than me, and I have a sneaking suspicion Melissa just got a huge commission. “Maybe a painting or something else has also called to you?”
I look around, and even though everything in here is cool and would look great pretty much anywhere, I really had my heart set on that damn pie…
And even more so on its creator.
Maybe I should go back upstairs and look around?
I shut that thought down just as fast as it comes. If I go up there right now, after the way Kai has made me feel, I’ll be buying the place out.
“No, not today.” I can see the disappointment on her face, and even though I know I don’t owe her anything, I still feel really guilty. “But can I give you my number so if anything good comes in, I can get on whatever list the people who bought my pie were on? I could really use an art curator. All of my walls are bare and it’s starting to get depressing.”
I’m pretty sure Ruby thinks I’m joking and I’m too embarrassed to tell her I’m not, so I laugh along with her. Her eyes light up and her bright smile covers her face again. Thank freaking god. Because if it didn’t, there’s a good chance I would’ve just spent five hundred dollars on art I didn’t truly love just to make her feel better.
“I would love that!” She claps and bounces on her toes. “You’ll be my first personal client! Let me go grab the client book and get your information.”
“Really? I feel so special!” I know I might sound sarcastic, but I’m being dead-ass serious. Plus, because this will be my first time buying art, it makes me feel like we’re on more even ground knowing this will be a first for her as well.
She doesn’t respond before she runs out of the gallery space, the click of her heels overpowering the acoustic hip-hop still floating around us.
“Soooo…” I turn to Kai, happy to be alone with him again. “How much money did I just save?”
“I mean, I would’ve given you a friends-and-family deal.” I love the feel of his hand tightening on mine as he avoids answering my question.
“I wouldn’t have taken it, so stop avoiding the question.” I don’t feel my feet moving, but before I know it, my chest is brushing against the abs I know are lurking beneath his shirt. “How much?”
Color rises in his face, and it’s such a stark contrast to Vaughn that it almost takes my breath away. Vaughn is so confident—bordering on cocky—with everything he does. I can’t give him a compliment he hasn’t already given himself and I can never do anything as good as him—ever. It’s not that I want to have to validate the people around me, but for some reason, Kai’s bashfulness makes him impossibly more attractive.
“Eight.” His voice is so quiet, I almost don’t hear him.
But I do.
“Eight hundred dollars!” I do not whisper. “Good for you! Why do you sound embarrassed about that?”
“Fuck capitalism,” Ella says as she enters the room. “That’s why.”
The lusty little love bubble I’ve been floating in with Kai, holding hands and innocently brushing against him, bursts as soon as I hear Ella. I let go of his hand and put more space than I want between the two of us.
“Down with the man!” Kai says to Ella, but never looks away from me.
I try to shake the feeling that I’m a teenager who just got caught sneaking a boy into my room. Thankfully, since Ella is actually incapable of not saying whatever’s on her mind, I can assume that means she didn’t notice the hand holding. Or maybe she did notice but didn’t think anything of it because we aren’t seven and running around on the playground.
“Aren’t you the man in this case?” I struggle to keep my tone nonchalant as I look between the hot pair.
“He’s the man, but he’s not the man,” Ella says, trying to clarify while failing to clarify anything.
“That made zero sense and now I’m more confused.” I roll my eyes and now I’m the person sighing like our mom.
“Kai’s a small artist,” Ella explains in terms I can follow. “A small artist can’t be the man. He just has to stick it to him. Which Kai does by selling them art that mocks them and doing it for exorbitant prices.”
I hate that I understood that. But I also hate that I think she might’ve just insulted me. I might have to pack her up and send her home if this continues. “So am I the man in this conversation?”
“You’re a Black woman.” Ella rolls her eyes, but doesn’t expand further.
“So I’m not the man?” I ask one more time, needing confirmation.
“It’s fucking impossible for you to be the man in this country,” she says. “And you know I still think you should leave that soul-sucking job you pretend to love—”
“It’s not—” I try to object because I do not want to have this conversation again. But in true Ella fashion, she ignores me and continues speaking.
“But you being so good at a job that has been reserved for cis white men is also sticking it to the man. In a country built on white supremacy, Black excellence is inherently political.”
I open my mouth to respond but no words come out.
I’ve never thought about it that way. I know I’ve had to work harder to succeed. I know there are fights I’ve had to battle in private that my coworkers have never even considered. But I’ve never thought of my success and happiness as a radical statement on anything other than myself. Hearing Ella put it that way, I can’t decide if her words have alleviated some of the pressure I’ve put on myself or added to it.
Thankfully, before I have to admit any of that to Ella, Ruby’s chaotic energy bounds back into the room, the now-familiar click-clack sound of her heels gives her away.
“I’m back!” she needlessly shouts, the echo of her voice bouncing off every hard surface in the small gallery space. She’s hugging a notebook tight in her toned arms as she barrels toward us.
“Are you getting the pie?” Ella asks the innocent question, not knowing what a sore spot it is for me.
“No,” I grumble, not bothering to mask my disappointment anymore. “Someone else bought it already.”
“Damn, that sucks,” Ella says, stating the obvious. “But maybe, since you have an in with the artist, he can figure something out for you.”
I want to do a lot with the artist, and as much as I loved the pie, talking about this is not the first thing on my list.
“Yeah,” says Kai. Poor guy, being around Ella and me isn’t a relaxing day at the beach by any stretch of the imagination, and now he’s done it twice. “The artist thinks he could figure something out.”
“Ummm…” I purse my lips and tilt my head to the side. “Does the artist talk about himself in third person often? Because if so, that might change my mind about some things…”
And hopefully cut back on the naughty dream appearances…
“No, he…I mean, I don’t.” The color rises in his cheeks again.
“I know Kai tends to take a lot of time and care with his pieces, so I’ll make sure I keep you up-to-date on what we have coming in,” Ruby cuts in, probably worried about getting axed from this deal too. Poor lady. She hands me what I thought was a notebook but instead is a very thick art catalog branded with the store’s name and colors. “I brought you this. If you want to go home and flip through it, let me know what stands out to you so I’ll be able to have a more accurate idea of your taste.”
“Oh, thank you.” I try to keep my tone even and measured because I’m not sure what it says about the sad status of my life to be this excited over a catalog. I do know that Ella would take the opportunity to tell me it’s a sign of how much I hate my life though. And I’ve had enough of that in these last few weeks to last for a lifetime.
“You’re so welcome.” Ruby’s white teeth beam against her lips, which are painted the same color pink as her hair. “I put my card inside so you’ll have my email address, but if it gets misplaced, my email is listed on our website.”
“Wonderful.” I take the catalog from her and tuck it beneath my arm. “Thank you so much for all of your help today. I can’t even tell you how much I’m looking forward to working with you.”
“The feeling is mutual.” She turns to Ella and Kai. “It was nice meeting you as well, Ella. And, Kai, call me later so I can confirm your payment information for the pieces that sold.”
“Got you.” He nods and I notice for the first time the way her skin blushes when he looks at her.
Good to know I’m not the only one who can’t seem to control herself when they’re in his general proximity. I feel like there should be a law that people as good-looking as he is shouldn’t be allowed to just wander around publicly. There should be a hot-person tornado warning or something. We deserve a chance to seek shelter before being hit with their hot storm.
“Okay!” Ella positions herself between Kai and me, looping her arms through ours so we look as if we’re about to skip down a yellow brick road. “Who’s hungry?”
“I could eat.” Kai leans forward, answering Ella’s question but only looking at me.
It’s a gesture she couldn’t—and doesn’t—miss if she tried. But in the most un-Ella way ever, she just smiles, but says nothing. And instead of relief, pure panic coils down my spine. Because if Ella is on board, I don’t stand a freaking chance.
And worst of all, I think I’m okay with that.