I pace my living room floor waiting for everyone to arrive.
And by everyone, I mean Ella.
When she arrived all those weeks ago—unannounced and uninvited, I might add—I never thought that I would spiral from spending a few days without seeing or talking to her. Between Vaughn and Kai alone, I have so much to fill her in on.
I hear voices in the hallway and run to swing the door open before they can even knock.
“Oh, it’s just you two.” My stomach falls when I see Delilah and Bailey, but no Ella.
“Just us? We rush over here and that’s the greeting we get?” Bailey pushes past me and heads straight to my counter where I’ve set up a makeshift cocktail bar. “Oh! But at least you provided quality booze.”
Heat tinges my face. “I’m sor—” I start, but Delilah places a gentle hand on my shoulder and stops me.
“Don’t apologize.” Her voice is so quiet and apologetic it causes my sinuses to burn. “I know you wanted to see Ella, but she left town this afternoon. I didn’t know until I called her to invite her over.”
The ground disappears from beneath my feet and the tears welling up threaten to spill down my cheeks. The sudden end to the hope I was feeling is like a punch to the gut and I don’t know how to catch my breath.
“I really thought we’d fix everything before she left.” The guilt I feel for making her feel as if she wasn’t good enough, for not including her in my own life for so long, is more than I can handle. I wanted to make things right, to show her how much she means to me. I wanted to show her how much she’s influenced the way I view myself and what’s important. “I can’t believe I let her leave without talking to her.”
“I know you don’t see it, but you two are so much alike.” Delilah takes my hand in hers. “You’re both so stubborn and set in your ways, but you also have the softest hearts and work overtime to protect them. Take it for what it’s worth, but I think she’s more upset about what she said to you than anything else.”
I don’t want her to be upset about anything, but this at least gives me hope that she’s not still furious with me.
“Oh, come on. You’re sisters, you’ll get over it.” Bailey hands me a mystery cocktail. I don’t know if she means to be so dismissive or if I’m being übersensitive, but it kinda hurts my feelings. “Now are you going to tell us why you dragged us over here in such a hurry?”
I shake my head, trying to clear it of sad thoughts about Ella and remember why I called them over tonight.
“I wanted to tell you that I think I’ve been wrong about everything.” I take a sip of the drink Bailey made me and start coughing when it damn near burns through my esophagus.
“What?” She looks at me with big, innocent eyes. “You said it was an emergency. I thought a heavy pour was necessary.”
Delilah shakes her head and rolls her eyes, which is super out of character for her; she is the most patient person I know, but that might not being saying much considering my group of friends. I wonder if during all of my drama I missed something…
“What do you mean you’ve been wrong about everything?” Delilah asks before I can figure out what’s going on between them.
I put the glass of liquid fire on the counter and wring my hands as I try to figure out where the hell I should even start.
“I guess I always thought I was laying the foundation to be happy, and now I’m realizing that being happy isn’t a destination that you prepare for, it’s what you’re doing now.” I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all. I usually have a point to make and make it; blurting out my feelings is new for me. “So if I’m not happy in my job or relationship now, why would I be happy in ten years? Does checking things off my vision board guarantee success? Does success guarantee happiness? I’ve been focusing on trying to become someone I’m not instead of loving who I already am, and I’m missing out on everything.”
Bailey and Delilah are both staring at me, saying absolutely nothing. I doubt I’m making any sense at all.
“Well damn, girl,” Delilah finally says. “That was a whole fucking word. I know you didn’t come to all of that just because of Ella. What’s really going on?”
For a person who doesn’t cry often, my tear ducts are working overtime. The wildest part is there’s so much going on inside my head I can’t tell if they’re tears of sadness, relief, or joy.
Maybe a combination of them all?
“I don’t even know where to start?” I mean for it to be a statement, but it comes out as a question. “My relationships, my family, my job? I don’t know if I’ve ever been right about anything to be honest.”
I’ve heard of a midlife crisis, but nobody warned me that I would turn thirty and lose control. This feels like a pivotal moment in my life and I’m terrified I might choose the wrong path.
“That’s a whole lot to be worried about,” Delilah says. “Why don’t we break it down? You got the promotion you’ve been vying for and I thought you loved WGD; what’s going on there?”
I listen to Delilah and all I can remember is sitting at that restaurant with her a year ago, being too scared to take a risk. What would’ve happened if I wasn’t so afraid? What would this year have looked like for me if I’d decided to live my life by faith instead of fear?
“Are you happy?” I ask her instead of answering her question. “Because you used to say you loved your job too, but now everything is different for you. Are you happy with the decision you made?”
Even though I’m sure some would say I’m deflecting, I really need to know. I need to know if she regrets what she did and wishes life could be simple for her again.
“I’ve honestly never been happier.” Her smile softens and she reaches for my hand. “But it was also the scariest ‘yes’ I’ve ever uttered. I regretted it immediately after I signed the contract.”
“Really?” Bailey chimes in. “You never told me that.”
“Me either.” I don’t know if this makes me a terrible human, but for some reason, knowing she struggled with making this decision makes me feel a little better about all of the indecision currently bouncing around the inside of my skull.
She’s seemed nothing but confident and sure about the show since she was offered the lead. It was like she was predestined for it and she knew it.
“Oh yeah.” She nods so fast and hard it’s a miracle she’s not dizzy. “The day after I agreed, I thought I was going to die. And I’m not exaggerating. My body revolted. I spent the day alternating between throwing up and nursing a killer migraine. I think I had spent so much of my life making the ‘right’ choices that following my heart made my body go into shock.”
And that’s where I feel I am right now. My heart and head are going to war and I don’t know which one to listen to.
“How’d you get over it? You didn’t think it was a sign you should call it off?” A million questions run through my mind and I need the answers more than I need my next breath.
“I think it was the opposite—the big reaction was proof that I needed to do it. I needed to fight through the hard to get to the good. It’s changed my perspective on everything. I’m going to put in my notice at work and just enjoy my life.” Her voice drops to a whisper, forcing Bailey and me to lean in closer to hear her. “Because what I got is beyond good. It’s the best I’ve ever had.”
“I’m really happy for you.” And even though these stupid tears are still falling, I love this more for her than I hate it for me.
She took the risk I was so afraid of and now she’s on the other side, and I’m all the way back at the starting line.
“It could still be you,” she whispers. “Real Love is still interested in you. I have meetings all this week; if you want the spot, I can talk to them.”
Between everything that has happened with Kai and Vaughn, I almost forgot that this could still be a possibility for me. I could still have a chance to go back and take the route I ran away from, and I think I might actually want it.
“I don’t know—” I say, but Bailey cuts in before I can get it all out.
“Not to be an asshole during this little moment,” Bailey says, and I brace for whatever asshole thing she is most definitely about to say. “But do we not remember that I was the one who made us all audition for Real Love? It was my idea. Neither of you even wanted to do it. No offense, Maya, but you said no. You lost your chance. I don’t understand why Delilah is fighting so hard for you to go on the show and not me. Don’t I deserve a chance at this too?”
Wow.
I braced, but I didn’t brace enough.
“Are you being serious right now?” Delilah turns her full attention to Bailey and I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of the glare she’s wearing. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Why would I be joking?” Instead of reading the room, Bailey straightens her shoulders and doubles down. “It was my idea and Maya did say no. Neither of those things are untrue. But for some reason, you seem to ignore those facts. I don’t know if it’s because you’re threatened by me or what, but it feels really crappy and it’s not okay.”
I feel like my eyes are about to pop out of my head and I nearly choke from the tension suddenly filling my little apartment.
“You think I’m threatened by you? Bailey, come on.” Delilah starts to laugh, but there is absolutely zero humor in the sound. It’s fucking terrifying. If I were Bailey, I would run.
But Bailey does not do the smart thing and run.
“What? It’s a fair question. You have attention now, but let’s be honest, I’m more of the typical lead for the show. If I were to go on next, you might not be the favorite anymore. I know that’s why you’re really doing this. You know Maya wouldn’t overtake you as the favorite, but I would.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m going to need you to walk that one back a little bit,” I say, not appreciating the shade Bailey is throwing at my expense. “Not only are you being rude, but you’re just plain wrong.”
“Why are you even getting involved, Maya?” Bailey snaps back. The bitterness in her face causes her usually delicate features to scrunch up in a very unattractive way. “You already said no! Literally none of this concerns you.”
I’ve never seen Bailey so worked up and angry, which is why—even though she’s acting like a real asshole right now—I feel bad for wanting to laugh in her face. Having good sex with Kai has truly mellowed me out, because a few weeks ago, I’d be going off right about now.
“It feels like it concerns me since…I don’t know…” I pause for dramatic effect and watch as Bailey’s face changes from alabaster to bright red. “Real Love is calling me, not you?”
“And they wouldn’t be calling you if Delilah wasn’t so insecure and just told them I’m the best person for the show!”
Because none of my friends have had children yet, I’m not used to seeing temper tantrums. It’s as fascinating as it is disturbing.
“Bailey, I did recommend you at the beginning of the season when they asked if I had any suggestions for future leads with promise.” I’ve heard Delilah mad before, but her voice is so flat that I’m convinced the only thing holding her back must be Jesus himself. “They saw your tape and didn’t think you’d be a good fit. I pushed for you for a while until all of your snide comments about me and my choices became too much and secrets I told only you ended up in the Real Love gossip blogs.”
The. Way. I. Gasp.
I almost pass out as the world spins so fast and I have to hold on to the counter to stay in my seat. What in the world have I been doing that I didn’t see any of this coming? I mean, Bailey does like to gossip and she did send me blogs every single week, but still. I never thought she’d sell out Delilah like that!
“What?” All of the fight in Bailey disappears. Guilt is written all over her face and I don’t know if I feel worse for her or for Delilah.
“Bailey, I know you think you’re smarter and far more clever than us, but I’m not an idiot.” Delilah doesn’t relent. This must’ve been building for weeks and she’s finally snapped. “Why do you think I never let it slip to you who I chose? Not only did I not want to hear whatever insult you’d throw my way, I didn’t trust you not to tell everyone. And if you think I didn’t clock the way you invited Vaughn to Maya’s party, you’re dead wrong.”
I was hoping to stay an innocent bystander in this massacre, but now that Delilah mentions it, I do have questions.
It never did make much sense. She knew we were separated and that things were going well with Kai. I was confused, but I didn’t think her intentions were bad, just sorely misguided—likely by her complete lack of interest in anyone but herself.
Until now.
“She has a point. Why did you invite Vaughn?” Even though Ella and I clearly have issues we need to talk through, this fight we’re in could’ve been avoided if Bailey hadn’t stuck her nose where it didn’t belong.
“Because!” She throws her arms in the air and her southern accent explodes full force. “This thing with Kai is never going to last. I mean, come on Maya. He’s a globe-trotting artist and you’re an uptight finance boss. Get real, it’s obviously just a fling and it’s not going to work out. No way would you be able to be with someone as free, someone as cool as him. I figured if I got you back with Vaughn and you were on track again for your perfect little 2.5 kids, white-picket-fence life, you wouldn’t care about Real Love again and Delilah would finally think about me!”
Woof.
Listen, I’m not saying lying is acceptable, but if I were Bailey, this secret would’ve gone to the fucking grave with me. No way would I ever admit to being such a conniving asshole. And the way she pretends like she’s trying to look out for me while simultaneously insulting me every step of the way is mind-boggling. I’m actually stunned into silence.
“And there it is.” Delilah sits down and deflates onto the stool beside me. “I didn’t want to be right about this, Bailey. It’s why I didn’t say anything. I hoped I was being a little paranoid and seeing things that weren’t there. During this entire process of Real Love, I had to learn to trust myself. I think I’m most upset that I let you make me question myself again.”
“I didn’t mean…” Bailey says, seeming to understand the gravity of what she’s done. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Either of you. I really do love you, you’ve been so good to me. I just wanted to be included too.”
“But you were included.” I think back to all the time we’ve spent together, and Bailey was always there. “You didn’t want inclusion, you wanted superiority. You didn’t want to be friends with us, you wanted friends who would inflate your ego.”
All of this sucks.