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RAINER STOOD UNDER the vaulted glass ceiling of the Culture Center barely listening to a conversation between two Philadelphia Orchestra violinists. He would rather be home, playing mournful music alone on his roof in the dark. But he had sponsored this fundraiser for several years now and was expected to be there. Pellus thought it would do him good, to be among his musician friends.
Unfortunately, it has not worked any magic on me yet.
He looked across the gray slate floor of the Culture Center’s crowded public space, up to the mezzanines hugging the mahogany exterior of the cello-shaped venue where the orchestra played its concerts. The hall would be dark and hushed thanks to the soft acoustic batting that lined its walls. He wished he could slip inside.
“Whoa-ho!” one of his companions said loudly, recalling Rainer’s attention. “This is why I love these fundraisers. Absolutely stunning woman at two o’clock.”
The violinist looked off towards the coat check. Rainer followed his gaze to see Zan in a form-fitting velvet dress in deep, dark red. The fabric hugged her arms just below her shoulders to gather in the center, cradling her curves, the smooth skin above her breasts so flawless it made his mouth water. Mel was with her. When Zan turned to speak to her friend her black hair brushed over her pale skin and the blood red velvet, creating a sensual rush in Rainer that made him sharply inhale.
“Take it easy there, Prince Charming. I saw her first,” his companion said.
“That’s his ex,” the other violinist said.
“It figures.”
“Excuse me.” Rainer walked toward Zan. She spotted him as soon as he began to move. She looked away, said something to Mel, then turned to face him, her hands crushing her small purse. He could smell her now. Mingled with the faint, bright scent of her perfume he detected the musk of her body’s response to him.
“Hello, Zan. Mel.” Rainer said Mel’s name but did not take his eyes from Zan. He wanted to kiss her neck.
“Hello, Rainer,” Zan said in an unsteady voice. “How are you?”
“Living in a well of misery. And you?”
Her eyes widened. “I, um, I’m fine.”
“Liar.” He had to walk away for fear he’d grab her, but he hadn’t taken three steps before he rushed back. “I’m sorry, Zan. And Mel. Please pardon me. I was surprised to see you, and it has me, uh—” He stopped to look at people sipping cocktails.
“Didn’t you send Zan the invitation?” Mel asked.
“I put her on the list, yes.” He glanced at Mel then returned his eyes to Zan, who evaded his gaze. “I didn’t think you would come.” He clenched his fists. “I should be more in control of myself. Please enjoy your evening.”
Rainer went to the bar, ordered a double scotch, gulped it down then ordered another. It was more the ritual that soothed him than the substance. The people lined along the bar all stared at him. He suppressed a growl. On his third scotch, he looked back toward the coat check. Zan and Mel had moved farther into the space. They were talking to the police commissioner, but it didn’t take long for Zan to raise her head to look at him.
She can feel me watching her. Does she realize?
They stared at each other across the crowd.
Come here. Come here and talk to me. Smile at me. Touch me.
“There you are, Rainer.”
He turned to see a cellist and a viola player from the orchestra approaching him, both brilliant, beautiful women, much sought after.
We want your opinion,” said Emily, placing her hand lightly on his arm. She was the first chair cello, a petite blonde with pouty lips that she was using to full effect at the moment. “We’re going to perform as part of the string quartet tonight and Ishana thinks we should play the Christmas Concerto by Grosso, but I think that’s horribly overplayed. I think we should do Schubert’s Death and the Maiden.”
Ishana, the second chair viola, sidled up and put her hand on Rainer’s other arm. She tilted her head and looked up at him with her big brown eyes. “Death and the Maiden is hardly what people will be expecting. Besides, everyone will be chattering. We need to play something happy and accessible. Don’t you think?” She squeezed his arm.
Pressing his lips together, Rainer lifted his head. He wanted the women to think he was considering their question, but he sought Zan. She and Mel were still with the police commissioner. They’d been joined by a few other well-dressed gentlemen, but Zan wasn’t paying attention. She was staring at Rainer and the women, her chin jutting out, her lips in a half snarl. Her expression threatened to make him hard. He abruptly turned to the bar and signaled for another scotch.
“I, uh, I have to agree with Ishana. You would be fighting a losing battle with Schubert. Such dark music should be played in the concert hall when you have everyone’s undivided attention.” He gulped down his scotch.
“Don’t you think we’re good enough to compel them to listen to us?” Emily said, a playful glint in her eye.
“Of course, I do, Emily. You are stellar musicians.”
“Well thank you, Rainer,” Emily replied, her face flushed with the compliment. “We know you are excellent, too. Now if we could only get you to play in public.”
Rainer gaped at her, then nodded. “Yes, yes, I will. Thank you for an excellent idea. Now if you’ll pardon me, I need to find Lakesha.”
He walked off, leaving the women to frown after him. Lakesha Sims was the musical directors’ assistant, in charge of the performances that night. Considering Rainer’s emotional reaction when he first tried to speak with Zan, he doubted he could speak with her like a sane person. He would find another way to communicate.
I will compel her to listen to me.
The police commissioner droned on about crime statistics. Zan knew she should be listening. He was an admirable man and she should treat him that way. It was unprofessional, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Rainer and the two beautiful women next to him at the bar.
I want to punch them in the face. Right in the fucking face. Get your hands off him.
Mel alternated between throwing dirty looks at Zan and saying relevant things to the commissioner. At least one of them was representing the Bureau. When Rainer walked away from the bar, Zan managed to refocus, but it was too late. The commissioner got called away. Mel begged the pardon of the remaining men and tugged on Zan’s arm. They headed toward the restrooms in the back, away from the crowd.
When they got beyond the main throng, Mel stopped. “You really need to get a grip on yourself,” she said, her tone gentler than her words.
“I know. I’m sorry. You were right. It was ridiculous of me to come here.” Zan plunked down on a bench against the wall. “What made me think I could be casual friends with him? Like it could be normal?”
Mel sat down beside her. “You came here for one reason. You wanted to see him. Can’t say I blame you. He’s quite a sight in that tuxedo.”
“He’s so hot, I am going to die.”
“I thought those women were going to die. I must say, only you could look that psycho in a ball gown.”
With a short laugh, Zan put her elbows on her knees, her face framed by her fingers. She groaned. “What am I going to do?”
“Forgive him, Zan. Yes, he lied to you, and his father may be dangerous, but you know the truth now and you can take care of yourself. Besides, I don’t think you have a choice. You’re not getting over him. He’s obviously not getting over you.”
“I wish it were that simple,” Zan mumbled.
The two women went into the restroom. When they came out the music had started, a string quartet set up on a small stage in the corner of the public space. Mel and Zan walked to the foot of the staircase leading to the concert hall. They listened quietly while snatching hors-d’oeuvres from the servers walking by in their white jackets and black bow ties. Zan didn’t see Rainer anywhere. She tried to look for him without Mel realizing she was looking for him.
Mel was on her second glass of wine when the quartet finished to enthusiastic applause. A young woman in a royal blue gown walked onto the small stage and took the microphone. She thanked the audience and the musicians.
“Ladies and gentleman, we are in for a real treat tonight,” she continued. “As many of you know, this important fundraising party wouldn’t be so swanky without the generosity of Rainer Barakiel, who has been a good friend to the orchestra for years now.”
Zan clutched at the staircase railing.
Is he going to play? He never plays in public.
“What many of you may not know is that Mr. Barakiel is an orchestra-caliber violinist,” the young woman continued. “He’s usually reluctant to play in public, but he’s going to play tonight. I think he’s been inspired by your generosity.”
“Heh. We know what inspired him,” Mel said in Zan’s ear.
“So, please welcome Rainer Barakiel.” The young woman stepped away and Rainer came out to raucous applause. Zan would guess most of it came from members of the orchestra.
“Good evening.” Rainer’s deep voice was subdued. “I’d like to thank Lakesha Sims and the Philadelphia Orchestra for allowing me to play.” His eyes sought Zan where she stood near the staircase.
“I’m going to perform the passacaglia from Heinrich von Biber’s Mystery Sonatas. Written in the 17th century, this is one of the earliest known pieces for solo violin. It’s called, ‘The Guardian Angel.’”
Zan snickered and bent over.
“What’s so funny?” Mel asked.
“Uh, private joke.”
When Rainer began to play the Culture Center became as quiet as a church. The long slow notes resonated with pain as he drew his bow with his eyes closed. Zan felt lightheaded. Mel grabbed her hand.
“Holy hell. I’m not even sentimental and I can’t take this,” Mel said.
Rainer swayed slightly as he played. His languid movements changed to lively when the piece shifted in tone. He stared at Zan as his fingers danced along the neck. Her vision grayed at the edges until he was the only thing she could see.
I miss you so much, Rainer. Playing with you. Talking with you. Laughing with you.
A series of low notes ending in ragged double stops returned the piece to its mournful nature. Rainer’s face contorted as he played them. Zan absently wiped at her eyes, causing Mel to fish a tissue out of her purse and hand it to her.
“Are you going to be all right?”
Zan didn’t answer. Tightness spread across her chest, sweet and sharp. When Rainer had played his final slow, soft note, he raised his head to gaze at her. She could almost hear his voice.
That was for you, my love. Come back to me.
Feeling lightheaded, Zan grabbed the railing as Rainer left the stage. When he walked towards her she ran up the staircase. She was afraid if he got near her she would start to blubber. Or grab him and kiss him and fondle him. Cling to him like she would never let him go.
Mel didn’t follow her. Zan ran to the highest mezzanine along the side of the concert hall, to the back, until she couldn’t run anymore. She focused on the lights atop a neighboring high-rise, visible through the vaulted glass ceiling. When she turned around, Rainer was there.
“No, no, please. I can’t handle this right now. That piece you played, your pain. It’s not fair. You made me cry. Cry in a public place. Go away.”
“Look at me, Zan.”
“Please. I want you to go away.”
“But Mel told me to come up here. I didn’t know what to do, so I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. She said, ‘Go after her, you idiot.’”
Zan laughed. She looked at him, then cursed herself for falling for it.
“Mel doesn’t know what you are. She doesn’t understand the problem. It was a mistake for me to come here. I’m about to fall apart. I want you to go away.”
“Then why does your heart beat faster when I’m near you?”
She stuck out her chin.
“Stop listening to my heartbeat. It’s a gross invasion of privacy.”
Rainer grabbed her hand. “But, Zan,” he said, the intensity on his face rooting her to the spot. “I could not fail to hear your heartbeat any more than I could fail to hear the birds sing.”
“Oh,” Zan squeaked. She tipped her face towards his and forgot where she was. Rainer took her hand and placed it over his heart.
“Feel my heart. It is the same. It beats stronger and faster when I am close to you.”
Zan intended to reach for him, but before she made the barest movement he wrapped his arms around her and pressed his mouth to hers with such desperation that she lost her footing. He picked her up, his hands stroking her exposed back then sliding frantically down her body. She reveled in his lips, his tongue, her hands fluttering in his hair as sweet sounds escaped her. She couldn’t tell the walls from the floor. When she closed her eyes, flashbulbs popped.
Love me. I need you.
Rainer carried her to the padlocked double door leading to the third tier of the concert hall. He set her down, gripped the thick chain in both hands and snapped it. They slipped into the hushed mahogany interior of the hall, the rich wood and red upholstery of the seats glowing under scattered dim lights. He pushed her against the soft acoustic batting that covered the wall, smashing his mouth to hers as he raised the velvet of her dress with his right hand, holding her in place with his left. He slid his hand up her leg, past her garter to her panties. With a quick tug, he ripped them open. He halted his savage kiss to slowly lick along her jawline as he gently probed with his fingers to find her wetness. With a soft moan, he pressed his forehead to hers as he caressed her.
“I want to please you, so much, so much. Oh, my love, I’ve missed you.”
The sound of his voice and his breath soft against her lips made Zan’s body gush. Rainer slid down to put his head under her dress. His hot mouth found her cleft and his sensitive lips and tongue softly rubbed her. She spread her legs farther apart and leaned into him, her trailing, high-pitched moan lost in the acoustic batting. Rainer hummed as he drank her juices, then crushed his face harder against her, rapidly flicking his tongue as he caressed her ass. Zan felt the high wave and implosion. Her hips jerked spasmodically. She said his name, over and over.
When her body stopped shuddering she pulled him up. She drew his mouth to hers to suck on his lower lip, tasting the sweetness of her own pleasure.
“Love me, Rainer, love me,” she murmured, lifting his cummerbund to unzip his pants. She snaked her hand inside to fondle him, causing an explosive growl. He loosened his clothing, then hiked up her dress to surge into her. She cried out and pushed against the wall so hard she felt the fabric burn the bare skin of her shoulders. Still, she pushed, wanting all of him, desperate to feel as much of him as she could as their bodies spoke to each other, flesh to flesh, fire to fire.
His growls transformed into a soft moan that rose and fell and trilled as if he were singing. She felt its vibration playing along her skin, a sensation she had never felt before. She gasped and rode him as he thrust deep inside her, her arms spread wide against the padded wall.
“My love, my love” he whispered. He rolled and churned until electricity crackled in the air around them. “My mate, I felt like I was dying. Guardian save me, Zan, Zan. Come to me. Join with me—” Rainer babbled in what sounded like random musical tones.
Zan’s body undulated on his fabulous cock. She ooohed and aaahed and thrashed and growled. Rainer’s face held such joy that she laughed crazily as he throbbed inside her. She could feel every detail of his movement as the sweet hunger moved beyond anything she could contain or understand. She started to babble in turn, unable to control what she was saying.
“Take me, take me there, oh, Rainer, I love you, I love you, ah, ah, I can’t stand it, oh god, please, please—”
She became keenly aware of her body as emotion lit up her every nerve. Then abruptly, she lost track of her physical self. Whatever she’d become rocketed through an aperture of light into a space of blackness and quiet that shattered a moment later. She slid into chaos.
Love. Love. Love, strength, and joy. Tangled, sweaty, murmuring. We hold each other in the stillness of a mountain dawn. So much happiness, but he falls. I see him fall into a foul brew, a horrible stench. So much pain and rage. Tangled, sweaty, lust, yearning and rage. Snarling demons, axes, and swords, muscular soldiers with ashen skin and empty eyes, hatred, vicious hatred and blood, blood and death, so much hatred. Death. Rainer.
Emotions attacked her like a virus, all whirling and teetering, careening and booming until she felt her mind splinter. She pushed Rainer away from her, wailing, “Let go of me, ah, where am I, where am I? No, no, no—”
Rainer took a step back. No longer pinned against the wall, Zan thrashed until she broke free. She landed with a thud and smashed her head on the carpeted floor, which she barely noticed as she scrambled backward, sliding on her ass to get away from Rainer, in a blind panic.
“Balance help me,” Rainer said. “Ah, ah, I lost control. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I sought to join with you. I shouldn’t have done that. Please, my love. I’m sorry.”
Unable to speak, Zan sat against the top row of seats, staring at him, her lips trembling. When Rainer took a step towards her she moved farther away, whimpering.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand you.
Rainer collapsed to the floor. He stared at the ground. After a few minutes, he looked at her.
“Talk to me, please.”
Zan pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her shins, the blood red velvet of her dress bunched around her. She wiped her face and took a few deep breaths.
Can I do this? Am I capable?
“I was right. My first instinct was right,” she said. “You tried to take over my mind. To control me. You invaded my mind.”
“No, no, it was not an invasion.” Rainer shook his head. “It was my love for you. So much love and joy, I lost control. I could not contain myself. I felt you as you felt me. I felt you!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Zan pressed her forehead to her knees, hiding her face.
I should leave, but I can’t. I don’t think I can stand up.
“You know it was not malevolent,” Rainer said, his voice cracking.
She circled her arms tighter around her legs. She felt exhausted and unstable like she hadn’t slept for days. But even in that weakness, she knew he spoke the truth.
I felt something beyond my conception. Pure and strong.
“It makes no difference,” she whispered.
“Of course it does! What you felt, it is Union. Something beautiful. It is beautiful.”
“Union?” Zan was talking more to herself than to him. He moved closer but he didn’t touch her.
“I am a Covalent Warrior of the Rising. The most fortunate among us may receive a rare and precious gift. We may love with such force that we seek to join minds with our beloved.”
Zan raised her head. “You had no right.”
“I know, I know.” He ran his hands through his hair and roughly exhaled. “I did not intend it. This power grew inside me well before you left me. I controlled it, but tonight I was overwhelmed. You must have felt it, how I love you. I could not contain it.” He pried her hand away from her legs. She was too weary to stop him. “Did you not feel it, Zan?”
She closed her eyes, causing tears to run down her cheeks. She opened her mouth to speak but all that came out was a soft noise.
I felt it. I felt you. You’re so much more than me.
“Listen to me, Rainer,” she said, squeezing his hand. “I’m grateful to you. You helped me with my case, and you were right. Those evil men you killed, I would’ve killed them myself if I thought I could get away with it. That’s part of the reason I came here tonight, so you would know we were okay. And because I missed you. So much I couldn’t take it. I gave in, but I shouldn’t have. I was right to leave you.”
He pressed her hand to his lips. “Don’t say that, don’t say that,” he mumbled against her skin.
“I know you wouldn’t hurt me, not deliberately,” Zan said. “But that? How can I understand it? All I felt was terror. The worst I have ever felt in my life. Even under fire in Afghanistan, I was never that afraid. It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I was disintegrating.”
“I terrified you,” Rainer whispered, his eyes wide. He hung his head back and moaned.
“Please, stop making that sound. I can’t stand it, please.”
He fell silent. For the first time, he seemed as ancient as she knew he was. “Can you forgive me?’ he asked.
“No, no, there’s nothing to forgive.” Zan stroked his face, her voice lost in tears. She took a few seconds to resume speaking. “You wanted to love me. I know that. Part of me feels like the luckiest woman in the world. You made me feel like the sky, or the wind, or the ocean. Something more than myself. I’ll never forget you, but I don’t have the capacity to accept what you want to give me.”
Rainer still held her hand. He pulled it to his chest, covering it with his own. “You do, Zan,” he whispered. “I felt you.”
“I felt you, too, but it’s too much for me. We’re too different.” She laughed softly. “She said, in the most severe understatement ever uttered in the history of the fucking world.”
For several minutes, Rainer sat with his head hanging down, clinging to her hand with both of his. When he finally looked at her, she saw fear.
Fear that what I said is true. Fear that he’ll have to accept it.
“You should be with someone who can match you, Rainer,” Zan said. “Someone you can touch in that way. A Covalent. Forget about me.”
He let go of her hand. “That is not possible.” He rose, fastened his pants, then helped her up.
“We’ll be all right,” Zan said, smoothing her dress. “After a while, it will hurt less. It has to.”
Rainer moved toward the doors then turned to look at her. She could see what he wanted to say written on his beautiful face.
You’re wrong.