When I get home, I open the wardrobe door, the one where I keep all of the investigation into Katy’s disappearance. I agreed to the documentary over lunch, but I didn’t get to say much in between mouthfuls of tapas-style pasta they kept putting in front of me. Then they whisked me out the door and said they had to get back to work, disappearing around the corner before I could even ask any more questions.
I shut the wardrobe again. I’m not ready yet.
I pick up my phone and slump onto the sofa, calling Joanna, Katy’s best friend. The sound of her voice eases me slightly. We became friends in the years after Katy went missing, needing each other to remind us of Katy. She isn’t close to her own mum, and I think she always saw me as that figure, hoping that just because Katy was no longer here, it didn’t mean I would forget her or push her away.
It was the opposite: I latched on to her, needed her, she kept Katy’s spirit alive. But as the years went on I did start to push away, no longer wanting the reminder of Katy. When Joanna was married, I was there for her, but then she became pregnant and found out she was having a baby girl, and it all got too much.
‘Grace?’ she says, answering on the second ring. I hear her baby crying in the background, but she’ll tell me it’s not a bad time. ‘How’s it going? It’s been a while.’
‘I know, I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be silly, what’s going on?’
‘I had an interesting meeting today.’
‘Oh, yeah?’
‘I met with this studio, they want to do a documentary on Katy.’
She’s silent for a moment, before she whispers something to her partner Tom and closes a door. The baby’s cries disappear.
‘Really? I thought you’d decided against anything like that, said it wasn’t a good idea.’
‘Maybe, back then, but now, I don’t know.’ I sigh. ‘What do I have to lose?’
‘I guess,’ she says, hesitantly. ‘What kind of documentary?’
‘Well, I think it’s going to go back over all the evidence, the suspects, but really shine a light on Katy, on who she was. I think it’s a good thing. They’ll probably call you.’
‘Will they?’
‘You were her best friend, they’ll want to speak to you.’
‘Well, anything you want, Grace, you know that.’
‘You don’t sound happy.’
‘No, I am, I just don’t know what good it’ll do. There’s so many of these true crime dramas and documentaries flying about at the moment, I just worry.’
‘Worry about what?’
‘That they all blend into each other, that no one will really take it seriously.’
‘There is one difference,’ I say. ‘There’s no ending.’
‘Is that what you’re hoping for? An ending?’
‘It wouldn’t be so bad if they did uncover something else. They said they’d share all their findings with the police. They’re going to have top researchers on this. It’s a good thing.’
‘And they’ll want to speak to me.’
‘I assume so. They’re also going to interview the suspects.’
‘What, hang on a minute, Graham?’
‘Yes, Graham, it’s the first time he’s been involved in talking about the case since he was brought in for questioning and all those theories emerged online.’
‘But that’s all they are, Grace, theories. I really don’t think this is a good thing.’
‘You’re wrong, the police have stopped investigating. I haven’t heard from Detective Lane in God knows how long. This is going to be the kick up the backside they need.’
‘If you think so.’
‘I do, and it’ll be respectful and they’ll ask hard questions and maybe Graham won’t be able to talk his way out of it all over again. Maybe they’ll corner him. They asked me, you know, what I thought of him, if he could have been involved, and I didn’t lie to them. I think they’ll press him, he might slip up, he might say something the police—’
‘Okay, Grace, I’ll wait for the call, I guess.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Who else are they speaking to?’
‘I don’t know,’ I lie.
I know what she’s asking, but I don’t think she’ll ever be bold enough to come out with it, so I change the subject.
‘They’ll speak to Detective Lane, I imagine. I hope they’re not too hard on him, though.’
‘They won’t be, they won’t want to question the police investigation.’
‘I’m not sure they could if they tried, find holes in the investigation, I mean.’ I pause. ‘But I want them to. I want them to find something.’
‘I just don’t want you to be disappointed if they don’t find anything, if it turns out to be a waste of time.
‘It won’t be, it’ll be a reminder that Katy is still out there.’
‘Mhmm.’ There’s an awkward pause before she says, ‘I better go.’
‘Yes, but I’ll come see you soon, see Tom and the baby.’
‘We’d like that.’
‘Okay, well, bye, Jo, take care.’
‘You too, Grace.’
I hang up and lean forward, opening my laptop. I check the usual forums, but there’s not been anything new for a few days. I have mixed emotions about the people on here, but strangely, they feel the closest thing I have to friends. People whom I’ve never met, whom I don’t know, but who stuck around after all these years, all wanting the same thing, to find Katy. All the malicious, vile messages fell away, and this core group of people were left and they all wanted Katy to come home safe.
I stare at the replies to my last message.
REDTURTLE
What if it was none of the suspects? What if it was someone else?
IN_THE_SHADOWS
A random? A repeat offender? Didn’t the police investigate this
LAINDON24
Yeah, they did, appaz there was a car outside when K went for a walk on her break, it was ‘acting suspiciously’
AMA
We knew this, though
LAINDON24
Yeah, they found the car on CCTV, appaz it was nothing
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Yeah, a car parked on a busy Bristol street doesn’t scream guilty
AMA
Exactly
I stroke the keyboard and start typing. My excitement, my hope presses against my chest and creates a whole new pain, a happiness that almost feels worse than the sadness.
REDTURTLE
I hear there’s a new documentary coming out about Katy, might be just what we need
LAINDON24
Oh shit, so it’s true, who’s involved in it?
REDTURTLE
The suspects
AMA
Peter?
REDTURTLE
All of them