I’m shaking. Seeing his face again after all these years on my TV. I knew it was coming, but I somehow thought he might change his mind. Or the show would cut him, thinking his claim to being Katy’s dad meant nothing. But a claim like that after all these years stirs up drama. I lean forward, admitting that I too am wondering what he has to say, and why, after all these years, he wants to say it.
I thought he’d moved away, and maybe he did, but he’s back now. I glance towards the bay window and rush over and yank closed the red velvet curtains. I hover for a moment, peeling an edge back to look down the street. Rain hits the window soundlessly and there’s only the gentle swoosh of tyres in the distance that breaks my thoughts.
Seeing him has stirred something dangerous in me, something I buried a long time ago and tried desperately to forget. I thought he had nothing to do with Katy’s disappearance, because he had nothing to do with Katy. But the more time passes, the less I know about my daughter. Could she have gone looking for him?
I shake my head. He isn’t Katy’s dad. Katy doesn’t have a dad. Not to me, anyway.
My phone starts ringing. It’s Mum; she’ll want to see if I’m okay, because she’s only person in the world who knows what happened. I’m not okay. If I don’t pick up, she’ll panic, she’ll spiral, it could make her ill. So I do.
‘Grace.’
‘Hi,’ I say back, my voice barely a whisper.
‘Are you okay? Of course you’re not.’
We’re both silent. She doesn’t know what to say, but she’s relieved I’ve picked up. It could be all she needs from me, but I need more from her, more than she can give me. I want her to drive over, to hold me, to tell me it will all be okay. Like she did all those years ago.
‘I didn’t do right by you,’ she says.
‘Mum,’ I start to sob.
‘I should have made you go to the police; I should have forced you to.’
‘You couldn’t have, I didn’t want to.’
‘I should have done more,’ she says.
‘This isn’t your fault, please.’
‘Don’t watch that show anymore, Grace. Nothing good comes from it.’
‘Do you think he tried to find Katy? He might have seen us in the news and put two and two together.’
‘He doesn’t matter, Grace, he never did and he doesn’t now. Katy is your child and yours alone.’
‘I don’t want the news to find out about what happened, what they’ll say about her, about me, about our family if they do find out.’
‘He wouldn’t tell, that’s not why he’s doing it.’
‘Then why is he doing it?’ I sob.
‘Money, I imagine,’ she says. ‘He’s an awful human, but the last time we saw him I told him that I’d go to the police if he came anywhere near you ever again. I’m sorry this is dragging everything back up.’
I swallow, but there’s a hard lump in my throat, and my nostrils start to crust as I sniff hard, desperately trying to hold in the tears.
‘He can’t take her from me if she’s already gone.’
‘He can’t,’ Mum agrees.
‘I went to see that man, Peter. I suppose he was just a boy when Katy went missing.’
‘You went to see who? Why?’ she asks.
‘He asked me to, said he had information. I feel very foolish.’
‘No,’ she tuts. ‘Don’t feel foolish, he played on your desperation. He knows, they all do, that you’d do anything to find out what happened to Katy. You aren’t foolish, you’re a mother.’
‘He’s a liar, a creep, like Joanna said he was.’
‘They’re all guilty, aren’t they?’ she says, innocently, but it pricks my stomach, and I think my heart will explode. There’s a new, more troubling thought: were they all involved?
I reach into my cardigan and pull out the piece of paper with Graham’s address on it.
‘Don’t you think it’s strange that Graham was silent for ten years and now he’s back to cast aspersions on everyone else?’ I ask.
‘Hmmm, strange? No. Smart? I think so. He’s clawing back a life he thinks was taken from him.’
‘He doesn’t seem to be doing too badly for himself. He’s living in Bath,’ I say. ‘I couldn’t find anything else about him online, he keeps a low profile, but I wonder if he married, if he has kids. If he has everything he tried to force Katy into wanting.’
‘How do you know he’s living in Bath?’ Mum asks.
‘I don’t know, just something I heard,’ I lie.
‘Well, just keep out of it all, and speak to that nice detective about Ian. I know it hurts, Grace, I know it’s not something you’ll ever recover from, but it might be time to say something now. To get him to leave this alone. To get the police to take his sudden presence a little bit more seriously.’
‘I don’t think I can say it.’
‘I can say it for you?’
‘No, no, it will do no good but divert attention away from Katy. No,’ I repeat.
‘Okay, but call me tomorrow, love, and don’t watch it again. Put it right out of your mind.’
I hang up, running a hand over the edge of the curtain, watching a street light flicker down the road. When Katy disappeared, I thought I had nothing left to lose, but that’s not true. I could lose myself completely.
It will never be far from my mind, but Mum’s right, they are all guilty in some way – I grasp the piece of paper with Graham’s address on it – in what way remains to be seen.
I want to check the private forum to see what they’re saying, but I’m scared to. I know whatever is being said about Katy online is mostly good, but there’s a lot of bad. When I sign on, I scroll back a little to see if they’ve been speaking about the police investigation, either in support or against it, like they’ve always been.
IN_THE_SHADOWS
It’s hard to deny there must have been some failings there
AMA
It is. But this pile on won’t do any good
IN_THE_SHADOWS
They’re under very intense scrutiny, I don’t think that detective is coming across well at all
LAINDON24
I agree, he’s almost acting like he’s hearing this information for the first time. You’d think he’d know the case off by heart
AMA
I think it’s easy to forget it was ten years ago
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Not for her mum, how raw it must feel to her still
REDTURTLE
What did you think of the latest episode?
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Hey RT. That Peter guy is STRANGE
LAINDON24
Strange yes, but guilty?
AMA
I don’t think he’s strange, I think he’s awkward
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Yeah, maybe I misspoke, or mistyped lol
LAINDON24
I get what you mean though, there’s something there
LAINDON24
What him and her prof said about K working on something no one knew about. I wonder if she found out something proper dark
AMA
Like what?
LAINDON24
I dunno, they keep saying it was to do with that abusive restaurant owner, but that was old news, doesn’t seem like she would be that worried about it
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Unless he somehow threatened her?
LAINDON24
No. Pretty sure everyone knew about it by then, don’t know why it was so secretive
AMA
Could be something there?
REDTURTLE
Don’t you think they’re just trying to deflect attention away from themselves?
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Could be, but I think it’s worth looking around to see if any big stories came out in or around Katy’s disappearance, could be linked
REDTURTLE
I just don’t think we should trust them, or anything they say
AMA
You still think it’s Graham don’t you RT
I pause, thinking about what I want to say, but the piece of paper with Graham’s address burns in my pocket.
REDTURTLE
I’m going to ask him if he did it
IN_THE_SHADOWS
How are you going to do that? He’s a ghost, no one knows where he is
LAINDON24
Even if you did, he’s not going to say yes is he, be smart about it
I slam the laptop closed and push it away. Be smart about it. They’re right, what use is seeing him going to do? He won’t tell me the truth, he won’t admit to something he’s spent so long denying.
But I’m a person he’s never had to face before: Katy’s mother, the only person that really lost somebody in this. Could he lie to me so easily? He must see her face in mine. He owes me an answer.