When I arrive at Bristol hospital, I go straight to reception and give Peter’s name. I tell them I’m his mum and they don’t ask any questions, just telling me which ward to go to. I travel the corridors, bending my neck around corners until I see an officer perched on a chair outside a room, with his head down looking at his phone.
He hears me approaching and slides his phone into his pocket, pushing back his shoulders. I slow, pointing towards the closed door.
‘I’m here to see my son, they told me he was here.’
He looks me up and down, before nodding slowly.
‘Is he awake?’ I ask.
‘About an hour ago. They’re running tests, I think,’ he replies, rising from his seat. He leans across me, grips the door handle and opens the door. He gestures for me to go in and I thank him.
Peter isn’t facing the door when I enter. I’m not sure if he’s heard me, but his eyes are open and he is staring out the large window, cracked open slightly at the top. He blinks towards me, wincing.
‘Hi,’ I say, raising my hand. I walk slowly over to his bed and grip the bottom rail. ‘Are you okay?’
His head is wrapped in bandages, a small amount of blood seeping through the right side. His eyes are surrounded by a dark blue halo, his face pastier than normal, and his lips two thin red lines.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘I heard about what happened to you.’ I point towards the door. ‘Have you spoken to the police yet?’
He tries to shake his head and groans with pain.
‘What happened?’
His eyes widen. ‘I don’t know,’ he says quietly. His eyes are unblinking and a light sheen appears over them as he licks his lips. ‘I stayed up, I was working, I didn’t even hear anyone come in, and then suddenly there was a sharp pain. I went to grab my head, and when I did my fingertips were moist. I remember falling, but nothing after that, only darkness.’ He sighs, easing his head back onto the cushion. ‘And I woke up here.’
‘Do you think…?’
‘I don’t know,’ he chokes. ‘But there was something.’
‘What?’
‘I was working on the USB; I was so close.’ He sniffs. ‘I saw something. One of the files appeared, I tried opening it but I couldn’t get in. It had the file name ama’s statement.’
‘Ama?’
‘I don’t know, does that mean anything to you?’
I don’t respond, because it does, AMA, one of my friends in our private chat. I’ve spoken to them for ten years now. It could just be a coincidence but maybe it means something, I remember Katy talking about AMAs, ‘asking me anything’, that’s what it means.
‘That’s not all,’ he says. ‘I couldn’t get into the file, but I could read the properties. It was originally saved to her laptop. Her work laptop.’
‘What are you doing here?’ a voice says from behind me. I swivel to see Detective Lane standing in the doorway, the officer cowering behind him.
‘She said she was his mum,’ the officer says sheepishly.
‘She isn’t. Come with me, Grace,’ he says gesturing to the door.
I follow him out into the corridor, thinking he’ll stop, but he doesn’t until we round the corner, whereupon he turns, throws his arms up in the air and licks his lips. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asks, finally. ‘The USB,’ he says, nodding. ‘Of course.’
‘Well, did you find it?’
He looks at me, deciding what to tell me. ‘We didn’t find a USB.’
‘Someone must have taken it. I should have told you, I’m sorry, but Peter did see a file on it. It could mean something?’ I say desperately.
‘I will speak to Peter. You are to go home.’
I shake my head. ‘No, it was on Katy’s work laptop, you looked at that, didn’t you?’
‘Of course we did, Grace,’ he says, exasperated. ‘There was nothing of concern.’
‘Well, what if they still have whatever it was on the system at NTV? What if—’
‘No,’ he says firmly. ‘Go home.’
He turns to leave, walking back towards Peter’s hospital room. I wish I could go home. I wish I could trust that what he’s telling me is right. I know it’s the truth, but how can he be sure it’s right.
* * *
I don’t head home. Instead I walk across Bristol to a place I’ve been before a thousand times, standing outside, looking up at the reflective glass and the silver letters above the door. NTV.
I’ve walked so many routes home from here, tracing Katy’s steps, wondering where she might have gone. I’ve knocked on doors and spoken to shop owners, even walking towards anywhere she might have been that evening. But I never went inside.
I was handed Katy’s work items by the police after they’d collected them for evidence. Her work laptop was never part of those possessions, but she always had it on her, she was always typing away…
I know they checked it, but it doesn’t settle that buzz in the bottom of my stomach, the words Peter said, ‘her work laptop’, like it was the most significant and innocuous thing all at once.
The doors glide open as I push them and I step carefully into the foyer, which echoes slightly as I walk in the direction of the front desk. The ceilings are high with marbled beige pillars and a black and white tiled floor. Katy asked if I wanted to see the offices, but I always declined; this was her place, and I was worried I’d cramp her style, that I’d say something stupid to one of her colleagues and Katy would hate me for it.
She said famous people were here all the time and I’d laugh and throw back my head and say, What would I have to talk to a famous person about? I meant it as a joke, but she took the question seriously and said that a lot of the journalists there cared about real people and real issues.
I stand in the foyer, watching as the young receptionist rises from behind her desk, tucking smooth blonde hair behind her ear. I don’t feel like a real person. She smiles, revealing straight white teeth, and delicately places a manicured hand onto the counter in front of her.
‘Can I help you?’ she calls.
‘I was hoping I could speak to someone?’
She arches a thin, painted eyebrow. ‘Who?’
‘My daughter’s boss, if she still works here.’
‘What’s your daughter’s name?’ she asks, lowering herself back down.
‘Katy,’ I whisper, then more clearly say, ‘Katy Harper.’
Her head flicks up, blue eyes meeting mine. ‘You’re Katy’s mum? You’re Grace?’ She recognises me fully now, and her expression contorts into a forced smile. ‘Katy’s boss doesn’t work here anymore. I’m sorry.’
I sigh. ‘Well, does anyone still work here from when Katy did?’
She relaxes her shoulders and this time smiles sweetly at me. ‘I’ll see. I’ve only been here for two years, but I’m sure we can find someone for you to speak to.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Take a seat over there,’ she says, gesturing to a cluster of navy-blue chairs by the front door.
She watches as I walk over, not picking up the phone until I’m far enough away. She whispers, pressing various buttons and checking the screen in front of her, before she finally puts the phone down and ushers me over. She isn’t smiling though; she looks tense and I can tell she’s picking her words carefully.
‘So, I have spoken to Katy’s old department, and it doesn’t look like any of the researchers still work here, but there was someone in Katy’s old office that she used to share with the assistants and IT. An assistant called Annie still works here.’
‘Can I speak to her?’ I ask.
‘Well, unfortunately she isn’t in today.’
‘I can come back another day. Tomorrow?’
She shakes her head. ‘I’m not sure if that will work.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, Annie doesn’t want to speak to you,’ she says, awkwardly. ‘I know she’s taken it hard, what with the show.’
‘She was friends with Katy?’
‘I don’t think so—’
‘I need to speak to her.’
She holds up a hand. ‘Like I said, she doesn’t want to speak to you. So please—’
I stand back from the reception. ‘Why?’
‘I told you, she’s very upset—’
‘That’s bullshit, I’m the one that’s upset here.’
‘I know, I can’t imagine—’
‘No,’ I cry at her, ‘you can’t. Maybe I should have come here a long time ago, but I was told by the police that she wasn’t close to anyone at work, that no one really knew her.’
‘I don’t know,’ she says, panicking.
‘Well, can you give me the names and numbers of everyone who did work with Katy? You must have those on file.’
‘I can’t do that,’ she says, her lips trembling, her voice wavering. ‘You need to leave,’ she says. ‘This is very upsetting, and I’m sorry for what happened to you, and to Katy, but you need to go.’
‘No, I won’t leave until Annie decides to speak to me.’
Someone gently touches my shoulder and as I turn to see who it is, they grip my shoulder harder. A security man in a white shirt and black tie stands in front of me, his expression hard and serious.
‘Please come with me, I need to escort you from the building.’
‘I just want to speak to someone,’ I whisper.
He loosens his grip as he leads me away, and I hear the exhale of a withheld breath from the receptionist.
‘Is there anyone you want me to call to come and collect you?’ he asks, firmly.
‘No,’ I cry, tears spilling down my cheeks, and he lets go completely, taking a few steps back then herding me towards the front door. He opens it for me and I squeeze past him, trying to look back to the reception desk, but he blocks the view.
The door closes softly on my face and I’m left standing alone, a biting cold slapping my cheek, the ghost of a grip on my shoulder, the sickness in my stomach that I did embarrass Katy.
The feeling I’ve had for ten years, of always being a breath away from knowing what happened to her, but I’ll never really know.
I walk slowly home, as grey clouds gather up ahead. Katy slips her hand through mine and pulls me in under her umbrella, just as the sky starts spitting.
‘What did you do that for?’
I shrug.
‘This isn’t like you, Mum.’
‘Well, you don’t know me anymore, Katy.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘But I don’t either, maybe I never knew you. You had all these secrets.’ I pull away from her.
‘Don’t be like this, don’t push me away.’
‘You aren’t here, you aren’t real.’
When I look back, Katy has disappeared. Maybe my words drove her away, maybe they sobered me up. I can’t keep speaking to her like this, she can’t show up announced anymore, she can’t do that to me.
I coil my hand around the key and the edge digs into my fingers, but I don’t let go. I need to know what it opens, what it means. It’s the one thing I didn’t tell Detective Lane about, I just couldn’t bear for him to take it away from me.
When I get home, I sit on the sofa with my laptop and open the forum. They’ve been discussing Ian’s alibi, saying they’re still looking into it. I hover over each name to see if they’re online, but only one person is, AMA.
It could mean anything, be anything, but I don’t want to shrug it off, I can’t. I don’t want to spook them, either; if they knew Katy and were using this chat to stay involved with her whereabouts, it wouldn’t make them any different from me. Maybe they too sought comfort from these people, whoever we might be.
AMA’S STATEMENT. A witness statement? The source that never came forward? I right click and open a private chat with them, but I’ve never done this before, with any of them; it might worry them if I suddenly start asking questions about who they are.
I go back into the main chat and type:
REDTURTLE
I wonder if we should all meet up?
I wait.
LAINDON24
Where’s this coming from RT?
REDTURTLE
We could go for a coffee and share all our notes, don’t you think it’s time?
IN_THE_SHADOWS
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that
AMA
Me neither, we don’t even know where any of us live
IN_THE_SHADOWS
We always kept personal details out of it, we’re all here for Katy, that’s what we agreed ages ago
REDTURTLE
I don’t think we agreed anything
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Well, who are you RT? Where do you live? What’s your name?
I don’t reply.
IN_THE_SHADOWS
It’s not easy, is it
LAINDON24
Guys, shut up, I’ve got something on Ian
AMA
What?!
LAINDON24
He wasn’t in Milan like he said he was, he was in London
IN_THE_SHADOWS
He lied about his alibi, do you have proof?
LAINDON24
Some photographs from a nightclub, date stamped
AMA
How the hell did you get that?
LAINDON24
Does it matter? We’ve got him guys, he lied to the police, he was right here in the UK
IN_THE_SHADOWS
So you’re from the UK LOL
LAINDON24
I think that’s obvious, isn’t it
REDTURTLE
Send the photos
LAINDON24
Waiting to get them from my mate who works at the club, I’ve seen them though, it’s legit, will send asap
IN_THE_SHADOWS
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you can’t do that to us
LAINDON24
Be patient my friends
REDTURTLE
We should go to the police
LAINDON24
We will
I leave the laptop open all night signed into the forum, just in case, but no pictures come through, no one sends any message. We all just wait, patiently. Until I slowly fall asleep on the sofa, staring at the lit-up screen.