I don’t think I’ll ever go back to Bristol. Maybe just to visit Jo and grandma every now and then, but that isn’t my life anymore. I struggle to remember myself at twenty years old, what I wanted from life. I know I wanted justice, I still do, for a life stolen, not just mine.
I’ve been moving through the last ten years like a ghost, only Tiger to keep me going morning, afternoon, night – a routine to keep me sane. I only stayed away to keep her safe. I only stayed quiet to keep them all safe. But what was it all for?
The busy London streets are hot and packed full of commuters and tourists, all in a rush, all consumed in their own world. I don’t mind the feeling of someone knocking into me, the warmth of people, the accidental touch of a hand. I’ve felt exposed for so long that to wander through a street and not have one person look at me, not need to pull my hood up or twist away, not to have people go home and wonder if they saw something they recognised in my eyes and call the police.
Then to worry that the police would never come, but someone else would.
Harrison clicks his tongue against his teeth to get Tiger’s attention.
‘I’m not sure how Tiger feels about the city,’ he says.
‘He’ll get used to it,’ I reply.
He lightly pulls Tiger’s lead and the dog looks up at him lovingly.
‘Do you want me to come in with you?’
I shake my head. ‘No, I need to do this by myself.’
I push open the door of the Shoreditch coffee shop. The inside is just as busy as the street. I hope I’ll know when I see them, but I take a step back awkwardly. Until there’s a gentle touch on my forearm.
‘Katy?’
A short woman with a grey pixie cut and warm eyes smiles at me. She doesn’t remove her arm, instead she lightly takes mine and leads me through the crowd.
‘We’re just in the back. I know the owner, he got us a little table; it’s a bit more private.’
‘Laindon?’ I ask.
She shakes her head. ‘No, my name’s Lily, or, you know, In the Shadows.’
We break through the crowd and she lets go of my arm, walking first through a low brick archway into a small room. It’s quiet back here apart from the sound of the coffee grinder in the background. There are a few tables, but they’re empty apart from one at the back.
‘We won’t be bothered back here,’ she says again, maybe sensing my tension. She grins, looking at me and back to the group. ‘Come in, come in, I’ll get you a drink, what would you like?’
‘Just some water, thanks.’
She disappears and leaves me standing in the doorway. The other two people sitting at the table stare at me.
‘Hi, Annie,’ I whisper.
‘Hi, Katy.’
‘I didn’t think you’d show up.’
‘Neither did I,’ she says. She looks at the woman opposite her, who is dressed head to toe in black, piercings covering her face, red hair smoothed down under a tight beanie.
‘Laindon,’ she says, holding up a hand.
‘Hi.’
‘Sit, sit, sit,’ Lily says, appearing with a glass of water. She pushes a chair to one side and leads me through to the table. She places the water on the table and pulls out a chair for me.
‘Thanks so much for coming. This means so much to all of us.’ She sits next to me, clasping her hands together, resting them in her lap. ‘We spent a long time looking for you, Katy.’
‘Well, here I am.’
She nods. ‘So, you’ve met Laindon, and’ – she pauses – ‘you know Annie, of course.’
I place a hand on the table and carefully and slowly say, ‘I just wanted to come here and say thank you for being there for my mum, but that’s all I want to say, and I don’t think that applies to you, Annie.’ I can barely look at her, but she’s staring right at me.
‘Katy,’ she whispers. ‘You have to know I had no idea what happened to you. I thought they’d killed you. I was so scared I was next, I never thought—’
I scrunch my hand into a fist and knock lightly on the table. ‘If you’d done the right thing, if you’d come forward, then she wouldn’t—’ I stop.
‘You know that’s not true,’ Laindon says, speaking for the first time. She leans forward, her eyes glistening like she might cry. ‘You know that Annie couldn’t have said anything, you know how deep it went.’
My chest rises and falls as I try to maintain composure. My hands start shaking but Annie reaches over and cups a hand around my balled fist.
‘I’m so sorry, Katy.’
I pull away. ‘I came here to say what I wanted to say.’
Lily nods. ‘We understand that you might not want to talk.’
‘Why are you here?’ Laindon asks, bluntly.
‘I told you, I wanted to say thank you for being there for my mum. I know her life was hard when I went missing.’ I try not to cry.
‘She was our friend,’ Lily says, smiling. ‘We miss her dearly, but we found you.’
‘I wasn’t lost,’ I say.
‘You were,’ Laindon says. I look up at her and she stares me down. ‘You were lost,’ she repeats.
‘What will you do now?’ Annie asks.
‘That’s not anyone’s business.’
‘Damn right,’ Lily says. ‘You wouldn’t believe the number of news outlets we had contact us when they found out your mum was REDTURTLE. We told them all to get lost. We wanted to speak to you first.’
‘You want to know what happened.’
Lily smiles and Laindon shakes her head. ‘No, Katy, we wanted to meet you, to make sure you’re okay. None of us had any idea how fucked up it all was.’ She looks at Annie. ‘You know that’s why Annie couldn’t say anything, you know that.’
‘Well, now you know.’
‘You changed the world, Katy.’
‘Why does everyone keep saying that? I didn’t do anything, it was all her,’ I say, getting up. ‘And now she’s gone.’
Lily reaches forward and takes my hand, and I start to cry, for the first time since I was able to process what happened to her. ‘It’s my fault,’ I whisper as Lily pulls me in. She throws her arms around me and holds me.
I’ve pored over all the conversations my mum had with these people. They were her friends, her only friends when she was alone, and I left her that way.
‘I left her alone.’
‘No,’ Lily says, soothingly. ‘You thought you were protecting her, you thought you were doing the right thing.’
She sits me back down and hands me the glass of water. I take small sips, looking up at the group, but they’re not looking at me, they’re looking behind me.
‘Sorry,’ Harrison says. I hear Tiger’s soft panting. ‘I just wanted to make sure you were okay.’
I turn to him, tears running down my cheeks. ‘Of course I’m not,’ I say.
‘Hi,’ Lily says, ‘You must be Harrison, Detective Lane?’
‘Yes, well, not detective anymore, but yes.’ He turns to me. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks.
‘Oh,’ Lily says, looking away, a smile crossing her lips.
Laindon smiles at her. ‘Who’s this?’ Laindon asks, as Tiger lets out a high-pitched bark. Harrison lets go of the lead and Tiger rushes forward, pushing his wet nose into my hand.
‘He’s shy,’ I say.
Tiger leans into me but lets Laindon reach forward and scratch him under the chin.
‘Hey there, big softie,’ she says quietly. ‘Did you keep Katy company? The famous Tiger.’
I lick my lips. ‘We better go.’
Lily nods. ‘We’d love to stay in touch,’ she stops. ‘You know where you can find us, if you need us.’
‘I knew who she was,’ Annie says, suddenly. The group whip their heads round to look at her. ‘I knew she was REDTURTLE, and when she turned up at the NTV offices, I did my best not to let her get close to any of it, that’s why I was in the group for all those years. But there was a part of me that wanted her to. I didn’t know if you were dead or alive, I didn’t know if I was next, and I’d spent so long knowing her, ten years, that when she was in front of me, I froze. I didn’t do the right thing, I never did the right thing, but I was scared, Katy, too scared to leave NTV, too scared to say anything. I’m so sorry.’
‘Yours was the only word any of us had, and you took it away,’ I say.
‘The week after you went missing and the police cleared out your desk, Mark called me into his office He asked me for it, the key. I said I didn’t have it, I didn’t know what he was talking about. I tried to act like I’d blacked it all out, but he read it on me, of course he did, and he told me he would kill me if I said a word. He said’ – she sniffed – ‘that I’d join you in hell.’
‘I was in hell,’ I whisper.
She looks up at me. ‘I did it to keep her safe.’
‘I know you were the one that made the anonymous call to the police that night.’
She winces. ‘I’m sorry I made it too late.’
I look at the group. KATY’S DETECTIVES OG. A place where my mum sought and found great comfort in the ten years I was missing. ‘You couldn’t keep her safe,’ I say. ‘But thank you for finding me.’