part0019

I’m not sure this guy really is a wise man. I think maybe he just said that to complete the form. He’s probably a spy or a secret agent or something.

How ‘bout it? Are you really a wise man?

Well, there are no specific guidelines, but pretty much, yeah.

Quick, say something wise !

Returning is the motion of the Tao.

Oh, snap! I just got chills. I’m already thinking sequel: Tao Te Dieux: The Force Awakens .

Is that true? The returning motion thing?

Who cares if it’s true, it sounds true.

Yeah, write that down the way he said it. Don’t let him change it later.

Who cares what it means? It means whatever people think it means. We just have to worry about how it sounds and that sounds freakin’ awesome!

You keep sayin’ stuff like that and we’ll have you outta here in no time.

Yeah? Like four days ago ?

Don’t be cranky, you’re doing good work. You’re helping the people of China and the world. You’ll be remembered forever.

For what? Selling out? Repackaging truth for public consumption? Turning wisdom into a cheap commodity? Poisoning the minds of the people with sugar when they crave sustenance?

You should be happy. What are the odds that a couple of nice border guards and an old laundry lady would stop you and turn your garbled ramblings into a sacred text?

Yeah, don’t be all high and mighty. If we had just waved you through no one would have ever heard of you. Now you’ll be famous forever!

You did good with that returning motion thing. Say more stuff like that.

Okay, here you go. Why are the people starving? Because the rulers eat up the money in taxes. Why are the people rebellious? Because the rulers interfere too much. Why do the people think so little of death? Because the rulers demand too much of life.

Jesus Christ! I can’t write that down!

Why not? It’s true enough. Isn’t that what you’re looking for, true enough?

You think you can say crazy shit because you’re leaving the country, but they’ll have our heads if I write that.

Try to be a little more upbeat. Happy wisdom, not crazy wisdom.

The humble is the root of the noble. The low is the foundation of the high.

Yeah, that’s better. Is it true ?

I don’t know. It was in a fortune cookie I got in a Chinese restaurant once.

You don’t have to say Chinese.

Yeah, it’s assumed.

Holy shit! Is that what’s going on here?

Let’s see here, yep, yep. Gibberish, gibberish, fortune cookie. Gibberish, gibberish, fortune cookie. It’s all gibberish and fortune cookies! This guy’s just been stringing us along this whole time.

Let’s beat his ass!

No, wait! Fortune cookie and gibberish might be a recipe for a bestseller, right? He’s obviously holding back the good stuff so he can write his own book later. We just squeeze the best stuff out of him, make it all kind of blurry and vague, add a lot of cheap filler to thicken it up, and we’ll have our book! It’s a lot easier to sound wise than to be wise !

Those who know when they have enough are rich. There is no greater misfortune than greed. Full of desire you see the manifestation, free from desire you see the mystery.

There! See? Fortune cookie wisdom!

Yeah, but how many ways can you say the same few things? How much can we really stretch it out?

Good point. Without the gibberish we only have a few pages. The more gibberish the better! Hey Maestro, say some more gibberish.

The sage is guided by what he feels and not by what he sees. He lets go of that and chooses this.

C’mon people, this is exactly what I’m talking about, this difference between the authentic and the artificial. The way you guys are going, you’ll give rise to generations of Taoists who act sagely instead of becoming sages. You’re going to send people looking in the wrong direction.

Yin, Yang and Old Lady huddle for a quiet discussion before resuming their positions.

Go? Go where? What? Why?

Leave. Get your Bubby out of the impound lot and go. That’s what you want, right? Leave China? So fine, leave! You go now. So long. Bye-bye!

We don’t need you, Maestro. We can make a better book without you. All your truth is just messing things up. People don’t want that shit. You would sell like ten books, friends and family, local library, that’s it! Who cares? We fix it up and sell like a gazillion books! People will buy our book for a thousand years.

But it’s just garbage! You’re betraying your audience !

At least we’ll have an audience! Your way, no audience. Catch twenty-two. Be honest and unpopular or dishonest and popular. At least our way, maybe a little truth gets out to the people. Your way, it ends here and you die unknown.

No one’s telling you not to be honest, we just don’t want you messing up our book.

We got the recipe now; four parts gibberish to one part fortune cookie. We don’t need your help.

Help? It’s my book! I am the Venerable Master! What are you? A coupla border guards and a cleaning lady. Who are you people to write the Tao Te Ching?

Bad title. We need something with more pizzazz.

No, we need sex appeal. The Tao of the Large-Breasted Goddess with the Shapely Behind , something like that.

Wow! I’d buy that book and I don’t even know how to read!

You have to give the people what they want.

No, you have to give them the truth , even if they don’t want it.

Seriously, do you ever listen to yourself?

Okay, that’s it! I’m not going anywhere. I can’t stop you from ruining this project with your complete lack of insight and your corruption and your greed, but I can at least try to get a few good points in. I’ll help you write your dumb book, but you have to let me have some say in it, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Okay Maestro. Look, maybe you got some wisdom, I don’t know. I’m a simple person. I wake up, I do a bunch of stuff, I go to sleep, nothing fancy. Maybe you’re fancy with a lot of wisdom and stuff, nice for you. To me, you look pretty regular, like you wake up, do a bunch of stuff and go to sleep. Where’s the wisdom part? I don’t know. You say you’re wise, fine, you’re wise. What do I know?

The sage knows without traveling. He sees without looking. He accomplishes much without doing anything.

Yeah, sure. Nice work if you can get it. You say some good stuff, but is it true? I don’t know. How do I apply it in my own life? I don’t. I’m just an old lady. Maybe if I was young again I’d be excited and do a lot of Tao stuff and become a wise old lady riding around on water buffaloes and saying clever shit all day, but I’m just a simple person.

See simplicity in the complicated. Achieve greatness in little things.

That’s what I mean. I’m in the rice paddy for ten hours a day, I do laundry, raise kids, care for the elderly, cook, clean, and try to maintain order, and now you come along and say achieve greatness in little things, and I ask myself, is this guy some great prophet lighting the way to heaven, or just some goofball riding a water buffalo talking like a fortune cookie?

The truth probably lies somewhere in-between.

Speaking of which, I just heard from my cousin Jimmy over in India. They got a guy now – the Boobie, the Booty, something like that – they say he talks about a middle way…