part0022

Upon crossing the threshold, Bubby transforms into a tall, radiant goddess in flowing silk robes. Yin, Yang and Old Lady fall trembling to their knees, heads pressed against the ground. Lao Tzu remains seated.

Always with the big entrance.

We kneel before thee, mighty goddess!

We prostrate ourselves before your great magic!

And terrifying beauty !

Oh yeah, and terrifying beauty!

Would you prefer my other face?

I think we’ve seen it.

I have many faces. Arise. Stand and regard me.

So, introduce me to your friends.

Everybody, Goddess. Goddess, everybody.

Hi guys. Anything to eat around here?

They were gonna eat you .

I’m something of an acquired taste.

And a little hard to swallow .

Really people, nothing? A sandwich, a bag of chips?

Why aren’t you playing your part?

You’re the one who barged in here and broke character.

Lighten up, they had me tied to the pissing rock for four days. So what’s the deal in here?

Just banging out a bestseller.

The Book of the Way will do fine. Have a seat, honey.

I thought you weren’t supposed to interfere.

I don’t command, I suggest. At ease, boys. Just continue as if I wasn’t here .

Yeah guys, just continue as if a water buffalo didn’t just walk into your shack and turn into a large-breasted goddess with a shapely behind who is now looking for some chips and asking about the book you’re writing so you can live in pagodas by the sea. Nothing to see here.

Okay, so where are we? You’ve been writing? What have you got?

Fortune cookie wisdom and gibberish.

A surefire recipe for success. We don’t want to give away the good stuff.

This isn’t the good stuff?

I don’t know what you have there, dear. I’m just a beast of burden. Tell me what you’ve written.

If you want to weaken something, you must let it grow strong. If you want to eliminate something, you must let it flourish. This is called subtle illumination. Who knows how it will all end? Is there no right and wrong? The sage is upright without causing harm, honest without hurting, illuminated but not flashy.

Illuminated but not flashy?

It’s been a long four days.

Without the body, what distress could there be? Only if you love your body as much as the world can you be entrusted with the world. Know the manly but cling to the womanly. Great-minded people abide in the kernel, not the husk.

Really? This is what you’ve been doing while I was out there freezing my nosering off?

I know what I said, mystical mumbo-jumbo, not amateur night at a comedy club .

That’s what I said! Fortune cookie wisdom and gibberish!

You’ve got the right idea, young lady. Why don’t you try one?

Me!? Oh, I couldn’t.

Why not? You can’t do any worse than Mr. Venerable over there. You’ve had four days to think about it. Just make an observation from your own life. You have kids, right? Speak from the heart.

Uh, okay. The Tao is the mother of all things. Knowing the children is knowing the mother. Knowing both mother and children brings an end to fear. Oh, that was terrible!

That was great! A star is born! Try another.

I can’t think of anything. What should I say?

Doesn’t matter. Talk about your life. How do you get home from here ?

If I have any sense I keep to the main road, my only fear is straying from it. Keeping to the main road is easy, but people like to get sidetracked. That was no good.

That was perfect. Pure gold. See? That’s all there is to it. Mr. Yin, your turn. How do you feel about being stuck in this remote shack? Do you miss the world? From the heart.

Without looking through the window, you can see the way of things. Without going outside, you can know the whole world. The farther you go, the less you know.

Wonderful! Mr. Yang, your turn. Just let it out.

The cries of roosters and dogs can be heard by one another. Hold on to the fruit and not the flower. Those who praise victory relish manslaughter.

Splendid! The clever person hears of the Tao and practices it diligently. The average person hears of the Tao and gives it thought now and again, and the dull person hears of the Tao and laughs aloud. Hence it is said… Mr. Yin? Let ‘er rip .

Opening the vent and completing the enterprise will make one helpless. Though there be boats and carriages, there is no occasion to ride in them. The more skills men possess, the more strange contrivances appear. There are various kinds of instruments, but let them not be used.

Well done! Mr. Yang?

Being the valley of the world, eternal virtue will be full in you and you return to the state of uncarved wood. Let people return to making knots on ropes instead of writing. When the Tao rules the world, proud stallions pull dung carts.

I like where this is going. Young lady?

Seal the openings, shut the doors, dull the sharpness, untie the knots, dim the light, and become one with the dust. To bear the country’s disgrace is to rule the shrines of soil and grain. Those who are obedient to the law will roll up their sleeves and make the disobedient obey. The best way to carve is not to split.

And you, Mr. Venerable ?

I am a fool. I am confused. Others are clear and bright, but I am dim and weak. Others are sharp and clever, but I am dull and stupid.

Sure it is! Anyone can do it. Deep inside you already know this stuff. You don’t need a venerable master or a goddess or a book.

We need a book to make us rich.

You’re already rich, you just don’t know it. Seek not without for treasures that lie within.

Yeah, but seriously, I want to be rich. No more fortune cookie gibberish, we want the good stuff.

You already have it. Three precious gifts to be prized above all are compassion, moderation and humility.

Bullshit! I’m up to my ass in compassion, moderation and humility and what good is it? I don’t want to find greatness in little things, I want to find greatness in a pagoda by the sea full of jewels and servants and some proper utensils instead of these goddamn chopsticks!

The Tao that can be told speaks of flow and obstruction, but the Tao that can’t be told speaks of whence thou came and whither thou goest, of who and what and where you really are. Is this the Tao you wish to hear?

If it’s the one that makes us rich and happy.

Very well, I shall tell you the secret Tao. You asked for it. Prepare to have your socks knocked off. Ready?

Hell yeah! Yin, write this down. Finally, we’re getting to the good stuff. No more of this bullshit about water!

Are you sure this is the good stuff?

I’m not really feeling it.

You’re losing them. They like the non-doing stuff better.

Oh gosh, is it Tuesday already? I just remembered, I have this thing…

Keep writing, maybe it gets better.

Yeah, I’m not getting a bestseller vibe.

And what about the little fish?

Can we spice this up a bit? Stick in a chase scene or some sex or something? Rain falls, becomes a lot of stuff and evaporates. I mean, big whoop!

Temporal face? I’m not writing that.

Wow, wisdom is boring!

Jesus, I think my ears are starting to bleed.

That doesn’t seem to be stopping you.

Seriously, I was supposed to pick up the kids at the rice paddy like three days ago…

Yeah, yeah, master and slave are, in essence, one. Got it. Okay everybody, let’s have a big guardshack round of applause for …

Is there much more? I was thinking of sweeping up.

Oh, c’mon, people! Am I just talking to myself? Are you even listening to this? This is the good stuff!

I think you lost them back at “Let us speak of water.”

This is what you’re asking for! The key to everything, the story of you! Who and what and where you really are! I even set it to verse for chrissakes!

You shoulda warmed them up with a few jokes. They like knock-knocks.

I offer you truth and you reject it! Oh well, you can’t say I didn’t try. Pearls before swine. So you tell me, what would you like to hear?

Please show us the way! The happy way with champagne and caviar and pagodas by the sea

Yes! What must we do in order to become at one with the happy Tao?

Yeah, not the raindrop Tao with the blood and piss and all that.

Very well, have the way your own way. What exactly did you have in mind?

Mind! Aha! Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Yin, keep writing. Gorgeous Goddess, are you saying we should be more mindful?

Uh, yeah, sure. Be more mindful, whatever that means. Why not?

Should we sit for long periods with our eyes closed and our minds empty while silently repeating a meaningless sound ?

Yeah, good. Turn off your mind to become more mindful. That makes perfect sense.

Should we stand naked on one leg and smear ourselves in ash and smoke a lot of weed?

Sounds like a party.

Should we sit in uncomfortable positions for long hours and ponder imponderables while a sadistic asshole hits us with a stick?

Whatever floats your boat.

Should we spend our time and energy grooming our reflection in the eyes of others to avoid turning our attention inward?

Is that a real thing? Fine, yeah. Do that.

Shall we renounce the real for the unreal? Embrace the synthetic over the authentic? Accept symbolic rites, hollow ceremonies and false sacraments as real, while forgetting the truth they represent ?

Sure, sounds like a plan.

Shall we place a mask over our original face? Play two-dimensional characters and immerse ourselves in petty drama? Strut and fret our hour upon the stage like cackling hens while turning a blind eye to our boundless creative potential?

I see you’ve given this some thought.

Shall we just go about our lives as if everything made perfect sense when we don’t have the first asshair of a clue what’s going on around here? Shall we just lie and pretend and play make-believe like children afraid of the dark? Shall we construct fortifications of lies and fear and crawl inside…

Okay, listen, I’m gonna stop you there. You guys seem to have a pretty good handle on this so I’ll let you just hang out and brainstorm. No bad ideas, right? Me and the old man are just gonna ease on down the road, maybe hang a left and check out this Booty guy, see if he needs help polishing his message. That middle-of-the-road thing shows real promise .

Lao Tzu and Goddess stand and make their goodbyes. Upon crossing the threshold, Goddess transforms back into Bubby. Old lady and the guards step outside to watch them go.

It goes without saying that none of this ever happened.

What never happened?

Maybe we can still write the book and be rich and happy.

It’s already written. The Tao Te Ching . The goddess said it was just fine the way it is. We shouldn’t change a thing.

I’m uncertain what just happened.

Uncertainty is what just happened. I’ve sent a message open to clear misinterpretation to weave a safe spell of confusion that will span the generations and assure that no one ever figures out who and what and where they really are .

But you tried to be honest with them.

I always play fair, but they are impervious. In them, truth has no place to enter.

But what about integrity and honesty? What about decency and righteousness? What about the divine spark in the individual?

Try to see the small picture here. Nothing is what it seems. It’s right to be wrong and good to be evil. Sickness is healthy, suffering brings pleasure. Destruction is a creative act, death is the meaning of life. Awareness abhors a vacuum. The entire spectrum of appearance must be populated. It’s not about the players, it’s about the play.

But then, how can anyone ever awaken to their divine potential?

That’s just another drama, no one’s stopping you. But if you wake everyone up, they’ll revert to their natural state and nothing is duller than nature. Believe me, I’m doing us all a favor. It’s better for everyone this way. I’m not a liberator or a jailer, I’m simply a producer of dramatic spectacle. The play’s the thing, and the show must go on.

I wish I’d brought a tennis ball.

I’m a goddess, not a dog.

You’re only a goddess in a writer’s imagination.

You’re only a writer in mine.

Yin, Yang and Old Lady watch as Lao Tzu and Bubby disappear into the setting sun. Returning to the shack, they find that the Goddess has left a huge mountain of shit – not entirely metaphorical – blocking their path.