Too tired or stressed out for sex? While people in all stages of life may find that to be the case now and then, lack of energy and too much tension can exacerbate the sexual problems that older adults commonly face, such as erectile dysfunction (ED) and diminished desire. (About half of midlife and older women and men who reported any sexual activity in the preceding year also reported at least one bothersome sexual problem, according to a 2007 study in the New England Journal of Medicine.) But getting enough rest and addressing stress can make a significant difference in those problems, putting the spark back into your sex life today and helping you stay sexually satisfied well into later life.
Fatigue depletes your sex drive, and the older you get, the more likely you are to have trouble sleeping thanks to medications, shifting hormones, changing responsibilities, and chronic conditions. On the other hand, being well rested can restore your libido. To get your forty winks, make sure you dedicate enough time for sleep; avoid eating, drinking, or doing anything stimulating (other than sex) right before bed; reduce or eliminate caffeine and alcohol; keep your bedroom dark and quiet; and set a regular sleep schedule (
19, 32, 63, 84). Ask your doctor if medications or health problems might be interfering with your sleep, and whether switching drugs or reducing the dose, lifestyle changes, or alternative therapies could help treat the underlying condition without the sleep-stealing side effects.
If you’re exhausted, it can be hard to convince yourself to work up enough energy or motivation to pursue a passionate moment. But, as with exercise, taking the first few steps often feels so good that you not only end up enjoying the rest of the journey, but you actually have more energy afterward. Try having sex at the times of day when you have the most get-up-and-go, whether that’s first thing in the morning or after a workout. See the tips in part VIII for more ideas on how to raise your energy levels enough to fuel an active sex life.
In addition to everyday stresses, older adults face some uniquely challenging situations, such as retirement, illness, caring for aging parents, and other lifestyle adjustments. Piling stress upon stress may lead to sexual difficulties and strain your relationship. A 2008 population study found that for men and women age fifty-seven to eighty-five, stress and anxiety were linked to several sexual problems, including lack of interest, inability to orgasm, pain during sex, lack of pleasure in sex, and worries about performance. Women noted that tension worsened vaginal dryness as well, while men additionally reported trouble achieving and maintaining an erection and climaxing too early.
As you might suspect, one aspect of stress that most frequently resulted in sexual problems was relationship dissatisfaction, noted the authors in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. On the other hand, being happy with your relationship is associated with higher sexual pleasure, increased ability to orgasm for women, and greater sexual interest for men. If you have unresolved relationship problems, consider seeing a therapist to help you work through your issues and restore emotional intimacy.
By age sixty-five, between 15 and 25 percent of men experience impotence, or ED, at least one out of every four times they have sex. In something of a self-perpetuating cycle, the pressure to perform sexually can drain sex drive and actually trigger ED in men. And a 2008 study by German researchers found that men with ED who worry about their sexual performance reported less sexual satisfaction overall. Interestingly, while ED itself can lower desire and make it difficult to have an orgasm, it seems that stress about performance is even more of a factor. Talk to your doctor about treating health conditions, lifestyle changes, medications, and other strategies that can improve ED.
Finally, don’t drink to reduce your stress. While a little alcohol may remove some inhibitions, too much can numb your sex drive, cause erection problems in men, and delay orgasm in women.