“Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age,” said actress Jeanne Moreau. Put another way, if you want to stay young, you need to nurture the love in your life. All relationships have ups and downs, and long-term relationships have accumulated years of them. Unresolved or long-simmering problems can make you feel more distant from your partner and dampen desire over time. Lack of intimacy makes it all too easy to fall into a routine (and can make you less willing to break out of one). But emotional closeness is a critical component of a satisfying sex life, especially for women—without it, you may feel like you’re just going through the motions. Spending more nonsexual intimate time together can rebuild trust, improve communication, and allow you to express affection for your partner in new ways, helping you navigate the sometimes-rocky road of long-term relationships.
Men and women typically report lower sexual desire as they get older. Some evidence indicates that more than 50 percent of women experience low libido after menopause, and half of men over age fifty report at least occasional erection problems, which can lead to more subdued sexual responsiveness. For older adults experiencing a natural decline in desire, restoring emotional closeness may naturally shift your sex drive out of neutral.
One of the great joys of new relationships is exploration—learning about your partner’s likes and dislikes, hopes, and dreams for the future. Those kinds of conversations build intimacy, whether you have them two months or twenty years into your relationship. Older couples may find it takes some effort to continue pursuing their partners long-term, but reaching out can promote a return to the heady days of your early relationship, restoring that sexual spark that used to come so easily. If all you and your partner have talked about for years is the logistical stuff of everyday life, you might be surprised at how you’ve each changed. So ask again about goals, dreams, and other emotionally invested topics. And then listen, really listen, to the answers. Even in a long-lasting relationship, it can feel risky to share deeply personal thoughts, so this kind of open communication builds trust.
You’ve probably heard the advice to make regular dates with your mate. Setting aside time for just the two of you cultivates closeness, but it also communicates that your partner is a priority, that you don’t take him or her for granted even if you’ve been together forever, and that your relationship is important enough to nurture. Find other ways to make your partner feel desirable, whether that’s complimenting a new piece of clothing, expressing appreciation for a thoughtful action, or suggesting you take a long walk together. And don’t expect your mate to read your mind—if you’d like your partner to do something specific to enhance your emotional intimacy, talk about it openly.
If unresolved conflicts make you feel distant, consider couples therapy. A skilled counselor can help you navigate sources of tension and learn how to fight fair. Your therapist may also have suggestions for how to meet each other’s emotional needs.
With skin-on-skin contact, you experience a rush of the “love hormone” oxytocin. If you touch your partner regularly, those levels can stay elevated and reignite fading sexual desire in later life. A 2008 study in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine found that couples assigned to a “warm touch” intervention (including hugging, massage, and other physical displays of affection) for four weeks had higher levels of oxytocin throughout the study. Another study discovered that the oxytocin surge was even higher in couples who felt like they had more support from their partner, which underscores the importance of emotional intimacy to physical responsiveness.
That boost of oxytocin can encourage romance, but the touch itself shouldn’t always be sexual or come with the expectation that it will lead to sex. Snuggle while you watch TV, give your partner a neck rub after a long day, hold hands when you walk, offer a goodbye kiss as you head out of the house, and welcome your partner home with a hug. Find ways to connect outside the bedroom, and you’ll ultimately enjoy more quality time between the sheets.