“You can go in there now.” David strode to where Hannah leaned against the back of the Jeep.
“Thanks for coming.” She gave him a hug, wanting to demand he tell her what was wrong with Randy, knowing he wouldn’t.
He hugged her back and let her go. “You did the right thing, calling me.”
“You were the first one I thought of.” She tightened her hold on Barley’s leash as the pup tried to jump on his leg. “Down, Barley. Is Randy okay?”
“Go see for yourself.” David hitched his thumb back. “Hey, weren’t you taking the dogs to Mom and Dad’s tonight?”
“Yes, but I’ll have to do it later.” She couldn’t think about anything but Randy at the moment.
“I’ll drop them off for you.”
“You will?” For some reason, his thoughtfulness made her want to start crying again. “Thanks. I’m keeping Ned, though. He’s good for Randy.”
She opened the back of the Jeep and helped load Barley’s stuff into David’s truck. Then she handed him Barley’s leash, bent to say goodbye to the pup and waited until David had him firmly in hand before hurrying with Ned to the back door of the store.
Her mind crawled with worries. What had caused him to pass out? She thought of all the moments over the past month when he’d been out of breath or flushed or checking his pulse. And all the times Ned had made a point to be right next to him, licking his hand or staring at him.
She braced herself for bad news as she made her way down the hallway.
This was the one time she hoped she really was overthinking things.
Randy stood with his back against the wall behind the cash register. As soon as she saw him, she let go of Ned’s leash and launched herself into his arms. He held her close, stroking her hair, and she sank into his embrace, letting him comfort her when she should be the one comforting him.
“You scared me.” She leaned back to look up into his eyes. “What happened?”
He put both hands around her waist and lifted her to sit on the stool. She opened her mouth to tell him he shouldn’t be lifting anything, but she enjoyed the sensation too much and kept her mouth shut.
“I passed out.”
“Yeah, I know that.”
“Your brother thinks it was because of my medications.”
She frowned. Medications? Why was he taking medications? She studied his face—still on the pale side. And serious. Way too serious.
She wasn’t going to like whatever he was about to say.
“I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.” Did she detect relief in his tone? “The same heart condition that killed my dad.”
Heart condition...killed...dad. The words jumbled around in her mind but she couldn’t make sense of them. What was he saying?
“Okay. So you’re on medication. You’re treating it. You’re not going to die. Do what David said and it will take care of everything...” Words spilled out of her mouth, but she really didn’t know what she was saying.
Her chest was locked up so tightly, she could barely breathe.
“No, Hannah. That’s not how it works.” He was being gentle with her. Too gentle. Speaking slowly, softly, with his hands still at her waist. Fear slithered down her spine.
Her senses sharpened as the truth jelled. In that instant, she smelled the earthy tang of the store, felt the breeze kicked around by the overhead fan, heard a car drive by out front, tasted the bitterness of what Randy was telling her.
He had the same disease that had killed his father.
Tears formed again, and, one by one, dropped to her cheeks. “You’re not going to die.”
His throat worked, but he didn’t respond.
“Tell me you aren’t going to die.” Her voice rose, and she reached up and gripped his shirt in her hands. “No, Randy, no.”
He caught her hands in his and kissed her knuckles. “I don’t know, Hannah. For years, I’ve been aware I’m living on borrowed time. And I made peace with it. Opened this store. Decided to build the house. But lately...” He touched her cheek. “I’ve been wanting more. So I had more tests done, and I’m trying new meds, but Hannah, I don’t have any guarantees.”
She shook her head back and forth, trying to make the words disappear. “There has to be something you can do.”
“I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but it is what it is. It’s not going to get better. I might be able to manage it. I might not. I’m trying.”
“But I love you!” She hadn’t meant to blurt it out. Hadn’t meant to say it at all. And the way his eyes grew round, she figured he hadn’t expected it, either. His shaky inhalation made her want to choke back the words, tuck them away where they were safe. But she couldn’t.
He leaned forward and looked her in the eyes. “I love you too much to do this to you.”
He loved her? Her heartbeat pounded. He loved her!
“I never should have let it get this far to begin with.” His chin dipped to his chest. Then he met her gaze. “When I was nineteen, I promised myself I’d never get married or have kids.”
“Nineteen? You’ve known all these years?” She eased back a few inches. For some reason, she thought he’d found out recently. “And you decided to skip marriage and kids? Why? It doesn’t make sense.” She tilted her chin up, searching his face for the clues she was obviously missing.
His eyes darkened. “One month after I graduated from high school, I walked into my dad’s room to borrow a belt. He usually was working on the ranch before I woke up.” He paused, pulling himself together. “The covers had been flung back, but he was in bed. His face was pale, yellowish. His eyes were open, but no one was home.”
“Oh, Randy. I’m sorry.”
“I couldn’t believe it. It was such a shock. I took his hand—cold. I threw my arms around him and tried to force him up, but he’d been dead for a few hours. The EMTs told me he’d likely had the heart attack right after he’d woken up. He was only forty-eight. We’d arm wrestled two days before, and he’d won. He was in great shape. I couldn’t comprehend it.”
She’d never really thought about how his dad’s death had affected him. She supposed she’d known he’d found his father’s body, but she hadn’t realized what all it had entailed.
“The coroner told Austin and me that Dad had a sudden heart attack due to hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. It’s genetic, so we both got tested. Austin doesn’t have it. And I do. But I decided to keep it private. Austin doesn’t know. No one does—well, except me, my doctor and now your brother.”
“And me,” she said softly. “But why wouldn’t you at least tell Austin? That’s not fair to him.”
“Fair?” He edged back slightly. “There’s nothing fair about putting all that worry on him when there’s nothing either of us can do to change it. I can’t change it. You know that, right?”
She did not know it. In fact, her fingers itched to get her cell phone out of her purse and start researching cures and treatment right this second.
“I didn’t want to tell you.” He looked away.
“Well, thanks a lot,” she said, hating how snippy she sounded. “Makes me feel great you didn’t feel you could trust me with it.”
He pointed to her then back to himself. “This—what we have—can’t go any further.”
“Why not?” She was missing something important, and for the life of her, had no idea what it was.
“Because I couldn’t live with myself knowing one day you’ll walk in on my dead body like I did my dad’s.” His face grew hard.
“Shouldn’t I get a say in it?”
“It’s genetic, Hannah. There’s a fifty percent chance it passes to my kids. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t worry every day of your life if you knew one or more of our children have this? No, I won’t let that happen.”
“But...”
“I won’t do it.” He backed up, crossing his arms over his chest. “And when you have time to think it through, you’ll see I’m right.”
He was doing the right thing. The noble thing. If he didn’t stand firm now, he’d put her through ten times more pain later. Randy watched her expression harden and girded himself for her response.
She couldn’t understand the horror of finding a loved one dead, their body cold, lifeless.
And he’d make sure she’d never understand it.
“Why do you get to make all the rules?” She jabbed her finger at him. “I don’t even know how to argue with you. I’m just learning about all this, but it seems you made your decision about me a long time ago.”
He had, but after being around her, he’d changed his mind. Well, he’d started to change it. Having her find him unconscious had been the wake-up call he’d needed.
He’d been living in a dream, and he’d woken up.
All of a sudden, he felt tired. Drained. His hands started to tremble.
Ned came over and sat next to him, watching him.
Hannah glanced at Ned then back at Randy. She blinked, then stared at him through hurt eyes. “You acted like I was delusional the other night when I told you I thought Ned was alerting you. You told me I worry too much.”
Her tone accused, and he squirmed, reaching back to steady himself against the wall.
“Why didn’t you tell me, then?” Her big blue eyes filled with hurt all the way to the brim. All because of him.
“In a house full of our friends? My brother doesn’t even know.”
“Why is that? He’s your best friend. You couldn’t tell your best friend?” The way she was staring at him, like he’d kicked a bunny or something, raised his hackles.
“I was protecting him.” He shifted his jaw.
“Like you were protecting me?” Disappointment dripped off her. “Like you’re still protecting me?”
“Yes,” he growled.
“I’m not going to just walk away and act like nothing ever happened between us. I care about you too much.”
He clenched his jaw. He never should have let it get this far. Her phone chimed, and she glanced at it.
“Look,” Hannah said. “I have to get ready.” All the fight went out of her. He hated to see her this way. Hated that he was the one to cause it.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t take you to the rehearsal. I told your brother I’d stay home tonight. He thinks the dosage of my medication might be too high for my body to handle, and that’s why I passed out.”
“I’ll drive you home, then,” she said, the words clipped. “I don’t think it’s safe for you to be behind the wheel.”
“That’s okay.” He could sense it all ending—the hope, the taste of the life he’d so wanted.
“No, I’ll take you. You’re not driving.”
“I know, Hannah.” The anger rising up wasn’t at her. It was at himself. “I wouldn’t put anyone in danger by driving right now. I can get a ride from someone in two seconds flat.”
She hiked her purse over her shoulder and gave him a cold glare. “Ned stays with you. If he starts alerting you, call David. I’d tell you to call me, but it’s obvious you won’t. You’re determined to push me away.”
A flare of anger sparked. “That’s not fair.”
“It’s not fair what you’re doing to me, either.”
“C’mon, Hannah. I don’t want you spending the rest of your life worrying. Wondering if I’m going to die. Can you imagine if we decided to get married and then had kids? Let’s say one of them inherited this disease. It would break you.”
“How do you know what would break me?” She stood there still and furious and so beautiful it took his breath away. “I’m not made out of glass.”
“You know what I mean.” He wanted to take her in his arms, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. “You deserve better than that.”
“All I hear is that you won’t consider a future with me because I’ll worry, and me worrying about you and our children would be just too much for you to handle.” She plunged her hand into her purse and fished out her keys.
“I didn’t say that.” He reached for her as she pivoted to leave, but she shook his hand away.
“Go home,” she said flatly. “Get some rest. I’m not going to ruin this night for Tess and Sawyer. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Hannah, wait.”
She looked back over her shoulder at him. “I don’t think you’re doing this for me at all, Randy. I think it’s easier for you. You can use your condition to lock your heart into a box. Life’s less complicated if you’re alone. You don’t have to deal with my feelings inconveniencing you. But you’re forgetting something. I’m going to worry about you no matter what because I already love you. That doesn’t go away just because you say so.”
He had no reply.
“By the way, this isn’t over,” she said. “We’ll talk about it when we both have time to think.” And she walked away.
At the sound of the door slamming, he almost sank to his knees.
Mission accomplished. He’d told her about his health, and he’d messed it up in every possible way.
His veins felt jittery, and the light-headed sensation came back. Hannah was right about one thing—he wasn’t driving home. It was too late to call Austin or any of the guys. They were all on their way to the rehearsal. First things first. He’d better call Sawyer and let him know he wouldn’t be there tonight.
He found his phone and made the call. Kept it brief, assured him he’d be fine and at the wedding tomorrow before hanging up.
Randy’s gaze went to the front window. Joe Schlock’s truck was parked across the street. He’d probably gone to the Barking Squirrel for a cup of coffee. Maybe he’d be willing to take him home.
Right on cue, Joe exited the diner’s door, and Randy strode to the front of the store, unlocked the door and went outside, waving. “Joe.”
The man looked up and grinned. “What’s going on?”
“Could you give me a lift?”
“Sure.” He checked for traffic and crossed the road, stopping in front of Randy. “What’s going on?”
He debated how much to tell him and realized he didn’t care if Joe knew he’d passed out.
“I had a dizzy spell, and Dr. Carr wants me to take it easy tonight. Mind taking me home?”
“Of course not. You finish whatever you need to do, and I’ll bring the truck around the back.”
“Thanks.” He was surprised Joe hadn’t asked what was wrong with him.
He locked up, turned off the lights and, with Ned by his side, made his way to the back of the store where Hannah’s perfume lingered. His heart stung. He hated that he’d hurt her. After locking the back door, he took Ned to the back parking lot.
“Hop in.” Joe’s truck stopped next to him, and Randy and Ned got in. “Sorry to hear you’re feeling under the weather.”
“Thanks.”
He drove ahead and turned onto the road. “It’s handy having a gal with a doctor for a brother.”
She’s not my gal.
“Linda’s brother was a logger up in Montana. Not as handy.”
“Linda was your wife, right?” Randy didn’t know much about Joe’s past although he’d lived here his entire life.
“Sure was. She ruled the roost, too.” He grinned at Randy. “There was no changing her mind when she thought she was right about something.”
“You don’t sound like you minded.”
“She was always right. I miss her.” Joe pointed up ahead. “Owl Creek?”
“Yes.”
“Never knew how blessed I was until she died. Life got quiet. No more lemon-drizzle bundt cakes. No more pestering me about changing out of my work pants before sitting on the furniture. No more quiet evenings together, her with her book and me with the newspaper. Didn’t have to say a thing. We were comfortable with each other.”
“I’m sorry, Joe. How long has she been gone?”
“Twelve years.” He grew somber. “I’d give about anything for another day of her ordering me around, baking those cakes, sitting with me in the evenings. I’d even take one of her lectures or one of our fights.”
“How did she die?”
“Cancer. We were blessed, though. She went into remission twice before it finally took her.”
“Twice?” Randy frowned.
“Yes. She was first diagnosed at forty-seven. Chemo gave her ten years in remission. Then she found a lump under her armpit. Radiation, surgery and more chemo got her through it again. By the time they found it the third time, I think her body was just plumb wore out. I had two more years with her after that, though. Wouldn’t trade them for anything.”
“This is it.” Randy gestured to the drive up ahead. All those years of living under the cloud of cancer. That would be tough.
“Nice property you’ve got.” The truck rumbled down the drive to the house before halting. “If you need me to take you back into town to get your truck, just holler. You have my number.”
“Thanks, I will. I appreciate it. I’m sorry about your wife, Joe.” He got out, helped Ned down and waved as Joe backed up. The truck disappeared in the distance, and Randy stayed rooted in place.
He felt unmoored, like a boat that had been docked for years and was now drifting at sea.
His house was finished. All the months of planning and watching and working were done.
But living there alone wasn’t satisfying. All he could see was Hannah laughing on the porch or helping him measure the living room. Dipping her brush into the paint, cutting in the ceiling, yelling at Barley to not eat a paper towel, sitting on the back deck with him chatting about life.
He’d gotten used to her companionship and, like Joe with Linda, didn’t want it to end.
Sighing, he headed up the porch steps and let Ned inside.
Now that Hannah knew about his heart problem, he’d better tell Austin. Randy doubted he could feel worse than he currently did, but life had a funny way of kicking him when he was down. He texted Austin, asking him to stop by after the rehearsal.
And then he went upstairs, sprawled out on his bed and promptly fell asleep.
Surrounded by happy couples, Hannah pushed a bite of cheesecake around her plate in Mac’s spotless pole barn. The rehearsal dinner was almost over, thankfully, and she vaguely noted what a charming venue it was. The renovated pole barn obviously wasn’t used for anything besides entertaining a crowd.
She shoved the plate away. The dinner had been catered, and the meal would have been delicious if she wasn’t full of so much turmoil.
Two hours ago when she’d stood at the front of the church while Tess and Sawyer rehearsed their vows, she’d been thrilled for them even as her spirits slid to a low point. They were in love, and it was obvious Jet and Holly were, too. Hannah would have to be blind not to notice all the flirty smiles they’d exchanged.
It only brought home the fact Randy wasn’t there, and even if he had been, they wouldn’t be sharing charged glances or smiles the way the other couples had.
He had a heart condition. It wouldn’t go away. It could kill him. Maybe years from now. Maybe tomorrow. She had no way of knowing.
The facts had sunk in as the hours had worn on.
She finally understood why he was pushing her away.
“Is everything okay?” Reagan set a plate filled with desserts on the table, pulled out the chair across from her and sat. “You’ve been really quiet all night.”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” What a lie. She wasn’t fine. And normally she would relish the chance to hash out exactly what the problem was with Reagan, but the words shriveled in her throat.
“What’s going on with Randy? I thought he was bringing you tonight.” Reagan took a bite of chocolate cake. “Mmm, this is good.”
“He’s not feeling well and had to stay home.” Her voice sounded normal at least.
“Will he be at the wedding?”
“I think so.” She hoped so. What if he’d gone home and gotten worse? Or tried to drive and passed out again?
He could be in a ditch.
What if he made it home and collapsed, but this time there was no one to find him?
As panic rose, she forced herself to take a deep breath.
Ned would be there. Ned would get him back on his feet.
Unless Randy couldn’t get back on his feet.
Her chest grew uncomfortably tight. Maybe she should call him. Check on him. At the very least, text him.
“Hannah?” Reagan’s forehead was lined with concern.
“Sorry.” She shook her head, trying to smile. “Just have a lot on my mind. What were you saying?”
Austin chose that moment to stop by their table. “I wanted to thank you again, Hannah, for all the help with AJ.”
“I was happy to do it. And Cassie is a pro with him.”
“She is. She took a big load off my mind by watching him. We worked out a good schedule now that Bo’s back. He’s doing all the early chores so I can take care of AJ until she arrives in the morning.”
“I’m glad.”
“Me, too.” He smiled. “I’m going to take off. I’ve got to stop by Randy’s before I head home. Thanks for hooking me up with the babysitter tonight, too.”
“You’re welcome.” Relief hit her that he was going over to Randy’s. But selfishly, she wanted to be the one to check on him. She didn’t trust herself yet, though.
As much as she wanted to think of herself as brave and competent and caring, all night she’d been wondering if Randy was correct in pumping the brakes on their relationship.
Being with him would mean accepting the fact he could die at any time. And it would also mean possibly not having kids. He didn’t seem to want them, wasn’t willing to take the chance he’d pass his condition on to them.
The shock of finding him earlier wasn’t helping her get clarity, either. His pale face, faint pulse, the way his body was crumpled—she couldn’t get it out of her head. And Ned, poor, dear Ned, licking his hand, nudging his arm...
“It’s wedding-a-rama around here.” Reagan stared off to the side. Hannah forced herself to pay attention. “First my sister, now Tess. I wouldn’t be surprised if Holly and my brother aren’t far behind.”
“I wouldn’t be, either. They make a cute couple.” Good, a distraction from her thoughts. “Would it be weird for you? I mean, knowing Holly was married to Cody first?” Cody was Reagan’s youngest brother, who’d died over a year ago. The family hadn’t known Cody had been married to Holly until February, when she and their baby had moved to Mayer Canyon Ranch. Six-month-old Clara was a chubby-cheeked darling.
Hannah wanted a daughter just like her. Four kids would be great. Two boys. Two girls. Or any combination really.
She’d always seen herself with children.
Reagan wore a wistful expression. “I love Holly. Working with her has been such a blessing to us and to the candle business. If Jet married her, it would be the icing on the cake.”
Jealousy pinched her as she thought of all her friends whose lives were falling into place. For the past few weeks, she’d thought hers was, too.
“You know, I always thought I’d have the fairy tale.” Reagan finished the last bite of her cake. “Lately, I don’t see it happening.”
A pang of shame hit her. Reagan’s dreams hadn’t come true, either.
“I know what you mean,” Hannah said. “I used to scoff at Mom’s there’s someone for everyone comments, but secretly, I believed it. Now?” She shrugged as guilt hit her. The words felt disloyal to Randy, even though he’d all but broken it off with her.
“What? I thought you and Randy...?” Reagan’s eyebrows formed a V.
“We’re friends.”
“Just friends?”
She nodded, but it wasn’t true. She’d never be just friends with Randy.
She loved him too much to go back to being pals. But she didn’t know if she could handle a future that might include finding him on the floor. What if Ned couldn’t rouse him? Randy’s description of finding his father came back. Cold hands, waxy complexion, no pulse...
Fear gripped her veins.
Stop it!
“I think I’m going to take off.” Hannah inched her chair back and stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“You all right?” Reagan gave her a questioning look. She nodded. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”
Maybe she was made of glass. She loved Randy, but she didn’t know if she was strong enough to be the woman he needed. Was she up for a lifetime of worry?
She didn’t know.
And if she didn’t know, then did she really love him?
Everything she thought to be true about herself had a big question mark next to it. And until she knew for sure, she’d leave Randy alone.