“What’s wrong? Do you have the flu or something?”
Randy sat at the island facing Austin later that night. At his request, Austin had stopped by after the rehearsal dinner. On the way into the kitchen, his brother had caught him up on what to expect at the wedding tomorrow, then proceeded to share the joy of seeing AJ smile for the first time.
“No.” Randy looked down at his hands. He’d thought about telling Austin about his heart so many times in the past, but he’d always convinced himself it was better to keep it to himself.
This was going to be a rough conversation.
Would Austin get mad? Storm out of there?
Or would he pity him? Start treating him differently? What if he went into worry mode? Started fussing constantly? Tried to put limits on his life?
Maybe that was what Randy really feared. No longer being treated the same.
“I passed out at the store.” He figured it was as good a lead-in as any.
Austin blinked away his shock. “Why?”
“I have the same heart condition Dad did.”
“What?” He stood so quickly his stool almost tipped over. “When did you find out? How do you know? What are you doing about it?”
“I found out the summer after Dad died.” Randy let it sink in a moment. “I didn’t want anyone to know.”
“No. No way you kept this from me.” Was steam coming out of his ears? Austin ground his teeth together. “So you’re telling me you’ve known you might die for over ten years and you never bothered to tell me? Why would you do that?”
“Because I didn’t want you to worry. It was bad enough Dad died unexpectedly. If you thought I might die, too...” He was surprised his voice was this calm. “You’d already been through enough.”
“Oh, and I suppose it would be better for me to just walk in on your dead body and have to piece it all together. Are you hearing yourself?” Angry didn’t begin to describe him.
“What’s worse?” Randy said. “Living with anxiety about my condition and finding me dead, or enjoying life and finding me dead? Both scenarios end the same, Austin. I know you. You’d be thinking about my health constantly.”
He paced back and forth near the cabinets. “Not telling me was selfish. I should have known. You should have told me.”
“Like I should have known you were practically on a suicide mission in Texas?” Randy’s voice rose. “That you’re raising someone else’s baby as your own?” The hypocrite.
“That’s different.”
“It’s not.”
They glared at each other until Austin perched on the stool once more. “Now what? Is it getting worse? Is that why you fainted?”
“No.” He didn’t want to spill all of it, but he might as well. He owed him the truth. “I decided to try medication again.”
“Again?” His voice went up an octave. “Why haven’t you been on it this entire time?”
“I tried one five years ago, but it made me sick—really sick—so I quit.”
“Well, that was stupid.”
“Not from my point of view,” Randy said. “I had tests done last week, and Tuesday I went back to the doctor. We’re trying a few medications.”
“What changed? Is it because you’re living on your own?” His tone softened. “Are you worried? Is it getting worse? What else aren’t you telling me?”
He was tempted to let his brother believe that him moving out was the reason he’d gone back to the doctor, but he shook his head. “No, it’s Hannah.”
“What about her?”
“I’m in love with her.”
Austin sat back, stunned. “And she talked sense into you and convinced you to go to the doctor?”
“Nooo.” Randy gritted his teeth. “I thought if I could get it under control maybe I’d have a shot at a future with her. But I don’t.”
“What are you saying? You don’t have long to live? Spill it all, Randy. How long do you have?”
He stared at the ceiling. He was botching this at every level. “I don’t know, Austin. Could be years. Maybe I’ll die an old man. Maybe not.”
Austin nodded, his mouth thinning in a tight line. “So she dumped you because of your heart. That’s cold. I can’t believe she would do that.”
“NO! She would never do that.” What was with this guy and jumping to conclusions? “I just realized I was kidding myself. Medications or not, this isn’t going away.”
They sat in silence for a few moments.
“I think you’d better tell me what you know about this heart thing.” Austin’s face had gone slack. “Why would the doctor put you on medications if they won’t help prolong your life? Is there anything else you can do to protect yourself?”
“There’s thickening in the ventricles, but I don’t have the symptoms to require surgery. The meds are supposed to help slow down my heart rate and let the blood flow better. If they work, they’d reduce my chances of having a sudden heart attack.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Austin’s face cleared as he opened his hands and shook his head. “You’re acting like you’re going to fall over dead any minute, but these medications can save your life. Man, you’re annoying.”
“Then why aren’t they working?” he snapped. “I’ve been light-headed, dizzy, tremors in my hands—you name it—for days. I don’t want to live like that, feeling like I’m going to pass out all the time. I have no idea if I’m dealing with side effects of the medication or if I’m actually having a heart attack. No thanks.”
“Go back to the doctor. Maybe there’s a different drug without those side effects.”
“Hannah called her brother. David stopped by the store after I passed out. He thinks the dosage is too high. He wants me to take half the doses of each until I can see my doctor.”
Austin gave him a deadpan stare. “And you’re just telling me this now?”
He shifted in his seat. “I hate the way I feel on them. I’ve managed this long without them.”
“So what? You need the medication.” Austin cocked his head, his jaw clenched. “I don’t care if they made you feel a little woozy, you’re not giving up on them. And you’re not giving up on a future with Hannah, either. I never took you for a wimp, bro.”
Randy stood and leaned over the island, pointing his finger in Austin’s face. “Watch yourself.”
He swiped the finger out of the way. “What’s this really about?”
“You weren’t there,” he hissed. “When I found Dad. You have no idea what it was like.”
“I saw.” His eyes grew hard.
“But you didn’t find him. You weren’t the one who checked his cold neck to find a pulse. You didn’t look into his lifeless eyes. You didn’t find his dead body. I did!”
“I was there!” Austin slammed his fist down. “I lost him, too! If you don’t think I wished a thousand times I could have spared you that, brother, then you don’t know me. I hate that you found him. I would have done anything to shield you from that pain. But I didn’t walk into his room that day. You did.”
Everything hit Randy at once. His teeth chattered, his breathing grew shallow, and it was only the licking of his hand by Ned that brought him back to reality.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Austin said. “Are you okay?”
Randy nodded, and Austin came over and held him tightly.
Being in his brother’s arms ripped the slightest of sobs from him, and his shoulders began to shake as tears he’d held inside for over ten long years squeezed out.
He’d cried at Dad’s funeral.
But he’d never dealt with the trauma of his sudden death.
He’d been holding in the fear of his own heart condition for so long that he hadn’t realized what a burden it was to bear.
“It should have been me.” Austin’s words came out raspy. “I should have been the one to find him. I should be the one with the heart problem. I would take it from you, Randy. I would spare you... I don’t want you to die. I love you. I can’t lose you, too.”
Hearing the words helped him pull himself together. He took a deep breath and stepped back.
“I never wanted you to find Dad. I just... I didn’t want to find him, either. I wasn’t ready. Wasn’t prepared. And it was a shock. I couldn’t process it.”
“I couldn’t, either.” Austin raked his hand through his hair. “Now you know why I drank myself into a stupor in Texas that summer.”
“Yeah.”
They sat again, each lost in their thoughts. Ned had ambled to the mat near the patio door and lay with his chin on his paws.
“You really love Hannah, huh?” Austin angled his neck.
“I do.” He slumped.
“Then what’s really holding you back? Is this about your heart or Dad or what?”
For the first time, he didn’t know. “My heart. I can’t stop picturing her kneeling over my dead body. And I’m real torn on the issue of kids. You and I both know they’d have a fifty-fifty shot at inheriting this. What would it do to her? She’s got so much love. You saw her with AJ. Knowing her own child had this heart condition would kill her.”
“Maybe you’re not giving her enough credit. I mean, what, you’re going to be alone the rest of your life? To avoid having someone you love find your dead body?”
It didn’t sound as rational coming from Austin.
“Someone will find your body someday, Randy. And, frankly, you could be the one to find her dead body. Would that make you want to avoid a relationship with her?”
The thought of finding Hannah the way he had his dad filled him with dread.
“You survived Dad’s death.” Austin gave him a pointed stare. “She’d survive finding you. You’d survive finding her.” He checked his watch. “Listen, I’ve got to go. I told the babysitter I’d be back by eleven.”
Randy followed him to the front door. Before leaving, Austin turned to him. “Stay on the meds for me, if not for yourself. I can’t lose you.”
With a lump in his throat, he nodded. Austin left, and he shut the door behind him.
Is this about your heart or Dad or what?
Randy climbed the stairs to his room. Ned followed him.
What was this about? He no longer knew, and what Austin had shared about wishing he’d been the one to find Dad, to spare him the pain? Randy had never really thought about how Austin felt back then. Hadn’t realized his brother would feel guilty about not being the one to find their father.
It didn’t surprise him. He should have known. Austin had always tried to shield him from pain.
Was that what he was trying to do with Hannah? Shield her from pain?
Or was he protecting himself?
Austin was right about everyone dying. And Hannah could very well die before him. Look at Joe and his wife, Linda. She’d fought cancer for a good chunk of their marriage.
Randy sat on the edge of the bed. If he stayed strong and ended things now, Hannah would slowly get over him and fall for someone else. Her worry about him would lessen in time. But could he live without her?
“What’s wrong?” Mom rose from the couch as Hannah set her purse on an end table in their living room.
She’d texted Mom after the rehearsal dinner to tell her she was stopping by. Barley lifted his head from where he lay near Mom’s feet, then he stood, stretched and wagged his tail all the way over to her.
Hannah petted him, comforted by his cheerful face. Then she looked up at her mother and couldn’t keep it together anymore. “Everything’s wrong.”
Mom’s expression softened. “Why don’t you tell me about it?”
“Randy couldn’t make it to the rehearsal. He wasn’t feeling well.” Sighing loudly, Hannah collapsed onto the couch.
“I’m sorry to hear that. David told us Ned was staying with Randy, but he didn’t mention why.”
“I really like him, Mom.” Why was her throat constricting? She would not cry. “But I don’t know if we have a future together.”
“Oh?” Mom stared wide-eyed at her, waiting for her to continue.
“We had an argument. But it’s more than disagreeing. It’s...big, and I thought I could handle it, but now I don’t know.”
Mom’s tender smile made the lump in her throat grow bigger.
“Honey, I don’t know what it is, and I don’t need to know. But I will tell you this. You have a big God who will be your strength when you’re weak. So don’t you worry about what you can handle and what you can’t. God will always be by your side helping you through it.”
For the first time in hours, a splash of hope lifted her spirits. “I don’t know, Mom. I’m pretty intense. I always want everything to fall into place a certain way, you know? And I don’t know if it will with him.”
Mom just nodded.
“I want too much.” Hannah picked at her sundress. “I worry too much. I think too much.”
Admitting out loud what Shawn had said—what Randy had said—hurt, but it was also cathartic.
“Is that what you think?” She sounded surprised. “There’s nothing wrong with feeling deeply. Caring deeply.”
Wasn’t there? “Maybe so, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“Well, honey, maybe Randy needs someone who thinks too much, worries too much, cares too much. You have a lot of energy. What’s so bad about that?”
“You’re just saying that because you’re my mom.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true. You’re special, Hannah. You pour your heart into everything you do, and that’s becoming rarer these days. Don’t look at your gifts as anything but good things.”
Could her go-go personality be positive? When Shawn had made it a negative? When even Randy teased her about it at times?
“I always thought I’d have a marriage like yours and Dad’s.” Her lips trembled, and she pressed them together to keep from crying. “I don’t know what I want anymore.”
Mom came over and sat beside her, putting her arm around her shoulders. “Pray about it. I don’t know what this is all about, but I’ve always liked Randy. And I know he likes you. He’s a good man. And he and Austin have done well for themselves being on their own for so long.”
Hannah thought about having no parents or grandparents or extended family around. What would it have been like to lose both parents so young? She couldn’t imagine.
“I guess it made them pretty independent.” She glanced at her mother.
“It’s hard to rely on someone else when you’re used to relying on yourself.”
She wouldn’t argue with that. “Did you know Randy was the one who found his father the day he died?”
“I did.” Mom scooched away a bit. “Always felt bad about it, too. Probably traumatized him for life.”
“Yeah. I’ve always thought I have empathy, but I can’t say I ever really put myself in his shoes.”
“You do have empathy.” Mom pointed to Barley, curled up near Hannah’s feet. “Why else would you raise this puppy, knowing you have to give him up? I know you put yourself in Jenna’s shoes because you’ve told me. And not just her, but Jackie’s boy—little Damien—from last year. The boy who struggled with his reading. You were the one who worked with him after school. I could go on and on. You make a difference in people’s lives. The same as Barley will someday.”
“If he makes it into training.” She gave her a wan smile.
“If I know you, he’ll make it.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“No matter what happens, I want you to know your dad and I couldn’t be prouder of you. We love you exactly the way you are. Don’t change a thing. Not for anyone. You’re you for a reason.”
“Well, don’t make me cry,” she teased, getting even more emotional.
“You want to stay here tonight?” Mom’s eyes grew round with longing.
“No.” She hated letting her down, but she needed to be alone. “I’m pretty tired. I’m going to take off. I’ll text you when I get home.”
A few minutes later, she hugged Mom goodbye and stepped out into the balmy night.
She was blessed to have a supportive mom and family. Randy only had Austin. And his friends, of course.
She wanted to be someone he could lean on, but he wanted to keep her at arm’s length.
There was only so much she could do for someone who refused to include her in his life. And maybe she had to make peace with that.