No one ever asks to have a writer in the family, or the ward. To all the people who find themselves in these pages, especially my parents, thank you for giving life its richness. Mom and Dad—I love you. Thank you for teaching me to love this faith and for your grace and patience.
The first draft of this manuscript was completed during a residency at Hedgebrook Women Writers in Residence on Whidbey Island, Washington. To learn more about how Hedgebrook supports Women Authoring Change, please visit hedgebrook.org.
I thank all of the communities of faith that have sheltered me—Congregation Dor Hadash of San Diego; the Friends Meeting of Austin, Texas; St. Paul’s Cathedral of San Diego—and to thousands upon thousands of Mormons who have inspired me, taught me, frustrated me, challenged me, and delighted me in the many stakes of Zion.
I learned to write from Darrell Spencer, Louise Plummer, Leslie Norris, and Susan Howe at Brigham Young University and from David Wong Louie, Stephen Yenser, and Paula Gunn Allen at UCLA. Blessed encouragement has come from Lisa Moore, Jim Lee, Garnette Cadogan, Holly Welker, Carol Lynn Pearson, John Dehlin, Anne Peffer, Ann Davis, Tresa Edmunds, Cathy Castillo, Susan Scott, Sara Burlingame, Lisa Butterworth, Kristine Haglund, Steve Gibson, Susan Reed, Jana Riess, Claire Tichi Grezmekovsky, Trent Ricks, Phil Barlow, Mary Valle, Karen Maezen Miller, Sarah Posner, Lisa Webster, Evan Derkacz, the women with whom I shared the Hedgebrook farmhouse table, and many, many others.
David Kamper gave me heart. Every day.
Thank you to the women who had faith in this book and undauntedly made it happen: Jessica Ravitz, Rhoda Janzen, Claudia Cross at Folio, and Leah Miller and Jill Siegel at the Free Press. Matt Page crafted the original cover design.
Many names in this memoir have been anonymized to protect individuals’ privacy, and a few story elements resequenced in the service of narrative.
In chapter 3, cited song lyrics are from Lex de Azevedo, “Saturday’s Warrior,” Saturday’s Warrior: Original Cast and Soundtrack, Embryo Records, 1974. All references in chapter 4 are to Marie Osmond, Marie Osmond’s Guide to Beauty, Health & Style, Touchstone Books, 1980; lyrics are from Julie de Azevedo, “Window to His Love,” Window to His Love, Lumen, 2003. In chapter 5, cited song lyrics are from Evan Stephens, “True to the Faith,” Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, published in Salt Lake City by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1985.
An earlier version of chapter 3 appeared in the Michigan Quarterly Review.