“Thanks for meeting me at the office on a Saturday afternoon,” Ashley told Carlotta Ramirez, a petite beauty with dark hair and eyes and olive skin. Carlotta had been Ashley’s “big sister” when she’d entered medical school—the fourth-year student assigned to help Ashley adjust. Now an obstetrician-gynecologist with a thriving private practice in Holly Springs, Carlotta was also married to another doctor, and the mother of three children: one born during her undergraduate years, the next while she was in medical school and the third during Carlotta’s Ob/Gyn residency.
“No problem.” Carlotta unlocked the door to her office suite, flipped on the overhead lights to dispel the wintry gloom and led the way inside. “I heard you and Cal were back this morning and I’ve been dying to see you. So how was Hawaii?” Carlotta continued as she shut the door behind them. “Beautiful?”
Ashley thought about the white-sand beaches, blue skies and even bluer ocean, the lush vegetation and a temperature that never varied much below seventy degrees or above eighty. “Very.”
“I envy you the chance to do your fellowship there.” Carlotta shook her head in awe. “Talk about paradise.”
It had been, Ashley thought. But it would have been so much better if Cal had been there with her. Maybe then she wouldn’t have felt such soul-deep loneliness the whole time she was there.
“So how long have you been feeling lousy?” Carlotta asked as they walked through the deserted inner office.
Ashley paused as Carlotta stopped at the linen closet and got out a soft pink cotton gown and a folded linen sheet, and handed both to Ashley.
“I just started throwing up this morning,” Ashley said, telling herself that what she was worried about couldn’t possibly be true.
“But—?” Carlotta prodded, experienced enough to know there was more.
Ashley confided reluctantly, “I’ve been tired and over-emotional and I suddenly can’t fit into my pants.”
“Any chance you might be pregnant?” Carlotta asked casually.
Yes, as a matter of fact, there was a slight chance—even though Ashley kept telling herself it couldn’t possibly be true. “Cal and I were together in mid-November for a weekend in San Francisco,” Ashley admitted with a rueful smile.
Carlotta grinned. “Sounds romantic,” she teased.
Romance involved feelings, which Cal and Ashley had both been careful to keep tamped down. “It was certainly passionate, anyway,” Ashley joked right back, aware her palms had begun to sweat as she faced finding out the absolute truth of her situation. A truth she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with.
Carlotta paused at another cabinet, and withdrew what she needed to do a screening test for iron-deficiency. “Did you two use protection?”
Ashley blushed as Carlotta tore open an antiseptic packet. An Ob/Gyn, too, she knew these were the kind of questions she should be asking others, not answering herself. “I’ve been taking oral contraceptives.”
“And that’s it?” Carlotta asked.
Ashley cleared her throat, embarrassed to find herself in this position. “Right. Which was foolish, I know, since nothing is absolutely foolproof in and of itself.” How many times had Ashley counseled her own patients in the women’s clinic to use two methods of contraception simultaneously, and not just one, if they wanted to make absolutely sure they did not conceive?
Looking back, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t followed her own oft-given advice. But she had missed Cal so desperately, and making hot, wild love with him had always been the one sure way the two of them could connect, even when every other method of communication failed abysmally. Not wanting anything between them, she’d told him to forget about condoms and had been a little reckless.
“Well, there’s one way to find out.” Carlotta swabbed the end of Ashley’s third finger with the antiseptic wipe, then pricked her finger. “I can do an in-office urine pregnancy test for you right now and, if that’s positive, of course, we’re going to want to take some more blood to send to the lab for a complete prenatal work-up and screening.”
“Sounds good.” Ashley watched as a dot of blood appeared on her finger and waited for Carlotta to fill a small plastic cylinder with a sample of her blood for the iron-deficiency screen.
Finished, Carlotta swabbed Ashley’s finger again, then gave her a small plastic cup.
By the time Ashley emerged from the bathroom with the cup full, her blood sample was already in the machine that would render the results. Carlotta completed the in-office lab tests while Ashley undressed in one of the exam rooms.
“Well, you’re not anemic,” Carlotta announced, breezing in. Her cheerful grin confirmed what Ashley already knew in her heart. “And it looks as though the stork is going to be paying you two a visit next August.”
Ashley drew a deep breath as her old friend started the physical exam by taking her blood pressure and listening to her heart and lungs.
“You’re sure?”
Carlotta nodded. “Even without the test, I would have known. I’m surprised you and Cal didn’t pick up on the signs. Your breasts appear swollen and you’ve got blue and pink lines beneath the skin.” Carlotta moved to the end of the exam table while Ashley slid her feet into the stirrups and slid down.
Carlotta donned gloves and continued the physical exam. “Your uterus is enlarged and soft. Yep, you’re definitely pregnant, all right.”
Finished, Carlotta gave Ashley a hand and helped her sit up.
Ashley sat there, completely stunned. “Why don’t you get dressed and then we’ll talk in my office?” Carlotta said gently.
A few minutes later, wearing the same comfortable pale-blue sweats she had worn on the plane back from Hawaii, Ashley entered Carlotta’s office. “Well,” she said, as she sank into a seat. “This certainly explains why I’ve gained over five pounds in two months and suddenly none of my pants with waistbands fit.”
“I take it pregnancy wasn’t in the plans you and Cal have been making?” Carlotta said delicately.
Ashley shook her head. “We haven’t even discussed children since the first couple of months we were married.” Then they had both thought about having a child, except it hadn’t worked out, and shortly after that, the troubles in their marriage had begun.
Carlotta handed Ashley a month’s supply of prenatal vitamin samples. “You think he doesn’t want children?”
Ashley hesitated. She was bewildered to discover she no longer knew the answer to that. “It’s just…”
“I understand. It’s a life-altering event, no matter how it occurs. But for the record, I think Cal would be very happy.” Carlotta paused. “I mean, you are planning to tell him, aren’t you?”
Happiness bubbled up inside Ashley, followed quickly by fear, and a disturbing feeling of déjà vu. “Yes, of course I’m going to tell Cal, as soon as I hit the three-month mark and pass the danger of miscarriage.”
Carlotta blinked. “You’re sure you want to wait that long?”
Ashley knew from her own patients that most women couldn’t wait to tell their husbands.
“Yes.” For very good reason.
Carlotta did some quick calculations, and grinned as she jumped to the logical conclusion. “Valentine’s Day, huh?” Carlotta teased.
Ashley smiled. Now—heaven willing—she knew exactly what she was going to give her husband for Valentine’s Day. And it beat the heck out of any car, even a red ’64 Mustang convertible. “Promise me.” Ashley looked Carlotta in the eye and did her best to quell her nervousness. “Not a word to anyone, even your husband, until I give the okay.”
Carlotta crossed her heart. “You have my word. Now, is there anything else you want to discuss?”
Ashley sobered. “As a matter of fact,” she related unhappily as she prepared to fill her friend in on the most private parts of her medical history, “there is.”
“YOU HAVEN’T HEARD a word I’ve said, have you?” Cal said in frustration several hours later.
Ashley flushed guiltily and looked across the kitchen table at him. They’d been having dinner for a good twenty minutes now, and although he had been talking nonstop about the case he’d seen earlier and the difficulties the surgery presented, she had heard only a smidgen of it. Which had been most unlike her. Usually, she loved hearing about Cal’s cases, and vice versa. Medicine was the one thing they could always talk about.
“What’s going on with you?” Cal asked, narrowing his eyes at her.
I’m having a baby—our baby—and my mind and emotions are in awhirl. Ashley swallowed, embarrassed. “What do you mean?”
“One minute you’re smiling like you just won the lottery,” Cal observed.
That’s because I feel happier than I’ve ever felt in my life.
“And the next you’re frowning like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
That’s because I’m scared to death that what happened before is going to happen again. And none of this is going to work out the way I want and hope.
“What did you do today, anyway?” Cal continued as he stood and began to clear the table.
Noting how the gray in the cashmere sweater he was wearing brought out the pewter shade of his eyes, Ashley stood and began to clean up, too. She wished she could think about something besides kissing him whenever they were this close. Especially today…
“I went to see Carlotta,” Ashley finally answered.
Cal smiled and held her eyes for a long, breath-stealing moment. “I’m glad you two were able to get caught up.”
“Me, too,” Ashley said. Even if I can’t tell you everything about that meeting just yet.
Cal slid the dishes into the dishwasher with the ease of a man who’d done dishes many times growing up. “Then what did you do?”
Ashley edged away from the enticing sea-and-sun fragrance of his cologne. “I drove to the mall to find some clothes that fit and a few how-to books on decorating.” And while I was at it, I stopped and looked at baby things. Lots and lots of baby things.
Cal wiped his hands on a dish towel, then set it aside. He stood facing her, his back to the counter, hands braced on either side of him. “Is that what’s worrying you?” he asked as Ashley backed away from him self-consciously, feeling guilty as all get out once again.
What’s worrying me is the fear that I will let you and our baby down—again—and you’ll feel the kind of hurt no parent should ever have to feel.
“You worried about needing a bigger size in clothing?” Cal continued sympathetically, oblivious to the real reason behind Ashley’s distress. He caught her hand and reeled her in to his side. “Because I have to tell you,” he confided appreciatively as he wrapped an arm around her waist, “extra five pounds or no, I’ve never seen you looking more beautiful.”
As Ashley looked into his eyes, she had never felt more beautiful than she did at that very moment. Or more secure in his love. And maybe it was selfish of her, but she wanted it to stay that way. She wanted to get through this next month, and one of the riskiest periods of her pregnancy, and then on Valentine’s Day tell him he was going to be a daddy. And by the time she told him the happy news, she wanted all the problems in their relationship worked out.
“You were kind of pale when I left this morning, but tonight your face is just glowing,” Cal continued.
That’s because I am about to give you the most wonderful gift a woman can give the man she loves. Ashley ducked her head and let it rest against the warm solidness of his broad shoulder. “Well, thank you,” she said, blushing.
He cupped a hand beneath her chin and lifted her face up to his. “So maybe you should stay this weight,” he told her sincerely.
Ashley’s lips curved as she imagined how happy Cal was going to be if everything went as she hoped. “I don’t think that’s going to be possible,” she said dryly.
“And feel free to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe,” Cal suggested, as compassionate and generous to her as ever.
She inclined her head ruefully and deliberately held his gaze. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to spoil me,” she teased.
He wrapped both arms about her waist and pulled her in until all of her was pressed against all of him. “You deserve spoiling,” he muttered huskily
Ashley had known Cal wanted to make a move on her—she had seen it in his eyes all evening. She just hadn’t thought, given the agreement they had made to abstain from making love until their marriage was on solid footing, that he would. But now that he was kissing her again, his lips tenderly coaxing and recklessly taking, she realized something else. She needed this connection with him, needed the fierce sensuality of his mouth moving over hers, and, above all else, she needed to be loved by him.
She wreathed her arms around his neck, kissed him back every bit as passionately as he was kissing her and let all the joy she felt over their baby growing inside her wash over her. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t ready to tell him yet. The baby forged a powerful connection between them that would last their entire lives and she wanted that just as fiercely as she wanted to have his child.
CAL HAD NEVER BEEN ABLE to read Ashley’s heart as well as he wanted to, but he had always known intuitively when she needed him to take her in his arms. And, for whatever reason, she required his physical closeness tonight. He’d seen it in the dreamy, distracted way she had looked at him all through dinner, and he’d felt it in her kiss and in the way her body cuddled against his. Not that he minded holding her. Kissing her. Touching her. Even if their hot embrace was picking up his heart rate and sending blood rushing to his lower half. But when she moaned, soft and low, in the back of her throat, and he felt her nipples budding tightly as they brushed against his chest, he knew he had to stop—now—or break the promise he had made to her. So, reluctantly, he let their steamy kiss come to a halt and drew away from her.
He wasn’t all that surprised to see disappointment mingled with pleasure and relief on her face as she trembled and looked up at him. She had to know, good intentions or not, that with them both living under the same roof again it was only a matter of time before their passion ignited.
“So,” he said in a low, gravelly voice, determined to be more noble than selfish, at least for this evening, “you want to show me your new clothes?” Maybe that would distract him from the sensual shape of her damp lower lip.
Ashley stepped back a pace. Her hand shook as she shoved her hand through the mussed strands of her dark hair. “I just bought two pairs of slacks.” Oddly enough, she looked as if she were keeping something from him. What, he couldn’t imagine.
“One gray and one black,” Ashley continued, appearing a little embarrassed.
Disappointment swept through him. He had been hoping for a sexy fashion show. The kind she used to give him when they were dating. He quirked a brow, wondering why she had been so frugal when she didn’t have to be. She loved clothes! Loved shopping for them, too. “That’s all?”
A flash of guilt appeared in her eyes and just as quickly disappeared. “I know my larger waist is only temporary,” she stated reluctantly, embarrassed. “I plan to get back into my old clothes. It’s just going to take time.” She turned her eyes from his once again. “And some dedicated working-out on my part. Which I plan to do.”
Cal knew Ashley felt better and had more stamina when she was physically fit—they both did. Maybe he could help her here. Help them both. He walked to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of chilled spring water for each of them. “As long as we’re talking about how to decorate the rest of the house, what do you think about putting in a home gym?” he asked her casually.
Ashley appeared surprised and intrigued. “Where?”
“Upstairs.” Cal took her by the hand and led her up the back staircase to the second floor. He enjoyed the soft, delicate feel of her fingers clasped in his. “I was thinking maybe we could use the bedroom right next to ours,” he told her, unwilling to admit how many lonely nights he had spent dreaming about the things they could do with this place, if only she would join him.
He steered Ashley to the room he was talking about and waited hopefully for her reaction.
ASHLEY KNEW CAL WANTED her to support his idea wholeheartedly, but she couldn’t quite do that. She knew this room next to the master bedroom suite should definitely be the nursery. Beginning to see just how hard it was going to be to keep this news from Cal until another four weeks had passed and she was sure everything was going to be all right, Ashley said instead, “What about the other empty bedroom?”
Cal shrugged. She could see he was a little hurt by her immediate dismissal of his idea. “It’s smaller, and it doesn’t have as many windows. So the light wouldn’t be as good as it is in here.”
“Maybe we don’t want as much as light.” Ashley linked arms with Cal and guided him down the hall to show him the other room.
Cal studied her. “You really think this room would be better?”
“Well. What are you planning to put in here?” Ashley looked at the ten-foot-by-twelve-foot room.
“An exercise bike. Treadmill. Maybe a stair machine or an elliptical trainer. What would you like?”
Ashley thought about the exercises she recommended for her pregnant patients. “A place for a yoga mat. Maybe a TV with a DVD player built into it mounted on the wall. So I can watch the tapes while I work out.”
“Sounds good to me,” Cal said as he turned to survey the room one more time. “So when do you want to get on this?”
Ashley smiled, glad they had something to occupy themselves with the rest of the weekend. “Right away.”
“I HAVE TO GO BACK to the hospital,” Cal said as soon as he got off the phone Sunday evening.
“Another emergency surgery?” Ashley asked.
Cal nodded as he clipped his beeper back on his belt.
He looked disappointed their evening together was going to be cut short. Ashley knew exactly how he felt. The weekend had gone too fast. But this was the life of a practicing physician. They both knew that, although they were usually a lot better at taking it in stride.
Determined to be the kind of supportive spouse he needed, Ashley touched his arm and smiled at him gratefully. “We had a great day.” They’d slept late, gone to 11:00 a.m. services and had lunch with Cal’s family, then spent the afternoon finding everything they needed for their home gym. Ashley still had to purchase her pregnancy workout tapes, but she’d have to do that when Cal wasn’t with her.
“I just wish I had Monday off so I could spend it with you,” he murmured.
Instead, he was scheduled to work from seven in the morning until dinner time. Which left Ashley wondering what she was going to do. She knew she should be looking for a job, but right now all she wanted to do was stay here and “play house” with Cal. And how weird was that? She couldn’t be nesting, could she?
“Promise me you’ll miss me desperately,” Cal said, pulling Ashley closer for a long, slow kiss.
Ashley sighed and sank into his luxuriant embrace. “I already do,” she murmured back playfully. And to prove it, she kissed him again, even more thoroughly.
Cal smiled and ruffled her hair. “Don’t wait up,” was the last thing he said as he went out the door.
Figuring the best thing she could do for her pregnancy was get as much sleep as possible in this first trimester, Ashley took one of the prenatal vitamins she had spirited away in her purse, drank a glass of milk, and went on up to bed. She had no trouble falling asleep and slept for six hours straight, not waking until she heard Cal’s car in the drive shortly after 3:00 a.m. He came up the back stairs and headed straight for the master bedroom.
Ashley heard him go into the master bathroom, come out again and fall into bed.
From the absence of sound, Ashley figured he’d gone straight to sleep. She was not as lucky. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t fall back into dreamland. Eventually, her stomach began to growl. She knew if she didn’t put something in it soon, her nausea would likely come back.
Ashley pulled on her robe and tiptoed down to the kitchen, where she studied her options for satisfying her pregnant cravings.