“I’m done,” Caleb spits with an evil glint in his eyes. “I don’t want you anymore, you need to leave. You’re nothing to me. You never were.”
“He’s right,” Cassie sneers. “You’re such a pain, and it’s exhausting to pretend like we care about you. We all want you gone. None of us ever wanted you to begin with.”
“Who would want such a pathetic little brat around?” Jaxon laughs without humor.
My father and Leanne nod in agreement as my father steps forward. I cower, unsure what to expect from him anymore. He glares down at me with disdain. “You’ll be eighteen soon. I won’t have to deal with you, finally. You need to get out of my house and away from my family.”
My head spins, and I sway on my feet. I wonder how I ever allowed myself to believe any of these people wanted me. No one ever wanted me before. I shouldn’t have thought anything would be different when I came here.
Mark may be my real father, but he has his own family, one he chose to have. He adores his wife, Leanne, and loves her son, Jaxon, so much that he adopted him. He has Cassie and Caleb’s family, as well. Cassie being Jaxon’s soulmate means the two families will be linked forever. With Cassie and Caleb’s dad being my father’s best friend, the two families are ecstatic about it. None of them need me, and they’ve made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.
My entire body shakes from the pain of having the only people I’ve ever cared about dismiss me with such ease. I don’t want them to witness the tears as they fall without permission. I turn my back and slink away. My legs give out after only a few steps, and I fall to my knees. Small whimpers escape as I try, unsuccessfully, to get back to my feet. Behind me the laughter of the people I once thought of as my family can be heard loud and clear. I cover my ears, unwilling to listen to their hateful words any longer. Even with my ears covered, I can hear their muffled taunting.
Without warning, the laughter and mockery suddenly vanish, and my eyes pop open with a startle to find the room endlessly empty. I swivel around in a full circle on my knees but find nothing. Everything is gone. Everyone is gone. I’m completely alone.
“Baby girl, please... I’m sorry,” Caleb’s faint whispers echo throughout the empty, black room. I search around but can’t find him. The room is too dark to see anything. I have no idea where his voice is coming from, but it grows louder. “Please, don’t hate me.”
I try to ignore him, knowing he doesn’t mean it. He doesn’t want me. He made that clear more than once. Why does he insist on torturing me further? Why can’t he just leave me be? I cover my ears once more and squeeze my eyes tight, willing him to leave and end the games. I silently beg him to quit hurting me. My heart can’t handle anymore blows.
“Shhhh, I’m here. I’m so sorry,” he repeats over and over again. “Please, forgive me, baby. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.”
There’s a strange shift in the air as strong arms close around me. Caleb’s whispers grow closer until it sounds like he’s right beside me. This isn’t real. I must have passed out or fallen asleep. The line between nightmare and reality blurs together. Nothing about my family’s hostility makes sense, but I know Caleb left me. He left, and he won’t be back. My father told me Caleb would not be coming back when I was in the hospital.
Memories of what lead to Caleb’s absence flow through my mind. Cassie and I took a trip to the mall. I was going to meet Caleb’s parents that night. The perfect outfit was nowhere to be found during our time at the mall, so Cassie and I decided to go home. Someone called for help while we were walking to her car, and we wanted to help if we could. Cassie went ahead of me, and she was hit in the head. I should have stopped it from happening, but I didn’t. Instead, I allowed her to be knocked out. My fear caused me to freeze up, and the two men who lured us in were able to beat me up. They may not have been as violent if I hadn’t consistently tried to keep them from going after an unconscious Cassie. I did everything I could to fight them off and get help for Cassie, but it wasn’t enough. She’d already been hurt, and my injuries rendered me unconscious in the end.
When I woke in the hospital, Cassie could barely look at me. My father was surprisingly compassionate. Jaxon was nowhere to be found for the majority of the time I was in the hospital. Leanne remained quiet and kept in the background. Caleb, though, completely lost it. He let out his anger as soon as we were alone. It was likely pent-up from being required to deal with me for months, and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He finally said what he’d been thinking. He made his feelings clear to me.
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.”
Now, he’s back, and he’s my Caleb again? He’s sweet and kind. He holds me and keeps me safe like nothing ever happened. While listening to his hushed pleas for forgiveness, I decide I may as well take comfort in what’s clearly a dream. It may be the last time I have a good dream of Caleb, and I want to savor it since I know I’ll never be close to him like this again in real life. I curl myself against my dream Caleb and allow him to hold me. He continues to whisper his apologies while he rubs my back in a soothing rhythm. I want to stay in this dream forever, but as hard as I fight the pull to a deeper sleep, I can’t resist long. Eventually, I slip into a dreamless, Caleb-less slumber.
When I wake, it’s slow and muddled. My nightmare from the previous night hits me hard, and silent tears slip free through my closed lids. Realistically, I know it was only a nightmare, and none of the people I’ve come to call my family would be as hateful as they were last night in my dream. None, except the one I love the most. Still, everything said by the others replays like a broken record through my mind. The more I consider it, the more I realize there could be some truth to the dream. If Caleb doesn’t want me, then maybe they don’t, either. None of them have said much to me since I got home from the hospital a few weeks ago. It’s a toss-up whether they’re unsure what to say, or they simply don’t want to deal with me. It doesn’t bother me much, though—I’ve wanted to be alone to come to terms with the way things will be now.
The whispered apologies from my dream last night enter my mind again, and I take comfort in Caleb’s soft tone. Last time I heard him talk, he was angry, his voice hard. It was different from how he ever spoke to me before, and it felt like a physical hit to my heart.
The idea of Caleb being sorry for how upset he got at the hospital is completely believable. I know he wouldn’t have been as harsh as he was on purpose. Even if he is repentant over his anger, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t love me or want me as his soulmate anymore. The way things were said won’t change the words that were spoken. He’s done, and now, I need to deal with it somehow.
I’ve spent the last two weeks desperately trying to accept everything. I haven’t seen or heard from Caleb since he left me in the hospital. My father told me Caleb wouldn’t be coming around me anymore, and it appears he was right. Every part of me screams to find Caleb and beg him to love me again, but I refuse to give in to the urge. I may not be worth much in the eyes of many, but I’m tired of staying with people who don’t want me. It physically hurts my heart to be apart from him, but I’ll continue to fight my need for him.
Something tightening around my waist jolts me out of my half-asleep state to full consciousness. I sit up with a start and scan the room through blurry, tear-filled eyes. My gaze quickly falls on Caleb as he sits up next to me in bed. At first, I truly believe I’ve gone off the deep end and I’m imagining him, but when his hand comes to rest on my back, I know I haven’t gone insane yet.
He rubs his tired eyes with the hand not resting on my back. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe, baby. I’m right here.”
“C-C-Caleb?” I breathe, unable to form a coherent thought. He was never supposed to come around me again. Of course, I didn’t want that to be true, though I believed it was. Now, here he is, sitting next to me in my bed. “You were a dream. Last night... I remember you lying with me. But it was a dream.”
“I’m here, baby girl,” he assures me, sitting up straighter. “I’m right here, and I’m so fucking sorry for everything I did, for everything I said. Please say you’ll forgive me? I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I was a dick, and there’s no justifying it. But I will make it up to you, I swear.”
I blink repeatedly in surprise, unsure what to do. Caleb remains silent beside me, awaiting my response. I take a moment to look him over. The bright blue of his eyes causes the dark circles around them to stand out in contrast. He has wrinkled jeans and a T-shirt on, even though he was sleeping. Generally, he sleeps in only his boxers or pajama pants, so finding him fully dressed in bed is a bit odd. His dark hair is extra messy and could probably use a trim. He’s tired, more so than just physically, and I wonder if it’s because he’s had to deal with me for such a long time. It wore him out.
Even though he isn’t at his best, Caleb is still perfect to me. I want nothing more than to throw myself at him and forgive anything he does, as long as it means I can be with him. I’ll take whatever I can get, no matter how he feels about me. I need him.
I open my mouth to tell him I forgive him and beg him to take me back. I ready myself to say I love him and I’ll do anything if he stays with me, even if he doesn’t love me anymore. Instead, I shock us both with the words that actually spill out of my mouth. “I need you to go.”
Once the words are out, I realize how true they are. I can’t be around him anymore, not with all the hurt his presence brings me. Even now, being near him makes my heart ache because I know he isn’t with me out of love—it’s out of guilt for the way he acted. He didn’t say he wanted me, he said he wanted me to forgive him. I can read between the lines. He wants me to understand he didn’t mean to be harsh when he left me, but he meant what he said. Well, I understand. I also understand my own limits, and I know it’ll ruin me to be around Caleb, knowing he doesn’t love me.
I can’t simply be friends with the man who has every piece of my heart. He’ll only continue to break me into a million pieces, even without meaning to. My only focus needs to be on how to make myself a stronger person. I cannot rely on him or anyone else anymore. I need to get myself together, to make myself whole for once. The first step in my goal is to learn how to live without Caleb. I need to rely solely on myself. When I turn eighteen, I will be able to live on my own, and I won’t be a burden to anyone anymore. Maybe being on my own will take the danger away from everyone else, too. It would be for the best all around.
“W-what?” he sputters, eyes popping wide. “Riley, wait a second—”
“You need to leave, Caleb.” I try to keep my voice strong, but it waivers when I say his name. Still, I’m impressed with myself at how firm and determined I sound, even though inside my heart is shattering.
“Riley... Baby, please don’t do this,” Caleb begs, reaching for me. His face falls when I back away from him. If he touches me, I’ll crumble, and I need to stay strong. “I really am sorry for what a shit I was. I didn’t mean to react the way I did. I would never hurt you on purpose, you know that.”
“I know.” I nod while scooting off the bed. He’d never intentionally be malicious, but he shouldn’t have to be with me out of obligation or guilt, either. I back away from him, needing more distance. The farther away I move, the harder my chest squeezes. Crossing my arms over my stomach in an attempt to hold myself together, I look at a spot on the wall over his shoulder because looking straight at him is too difficult. “I know you said you’re sorry, and I believe that you are. But that doesn’t change anything for me, though.”
Caleb frantically shakes his head back and forth. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right the fuck here.”
“Caleb,” I choke, my resolve crumbling. “You need to leave my room. I don’t w-want you in here.”
“Baby, no,” he mutters, pushing himself off the bed and striding toward me. He stops in his tracks when I back away from him and put a hand up to stop him. “I can’t—”
“Please, just go,” I interrupt him with a whisper, begging him to let me be miserable in peace. It’s better for both of us to let everything go right here and now. There’s no reason to drag it out. “Please.”
He remains silent for a long moment, studying me. “I’ll go downstairs,” he relents hesitantly. He must realize how serious I am. Maybe he’s relieved to finally be free of any guilt. “But I am not leaving this house. That isn’t happening.”
I don’t respond because it isn’t my house, and I can’t decide if he’s allowed in it or not. His best friend and his sister are here. There’s no reason for him not to spend time with them. Without a word, I look away from him, not wanting to watch him walk away from me again—I’m not sure I could handle witnessing it twice. I need to be strong, though. I have to focus on getting myself ready for this big fight coming up, and now that I know the truth about Caleb’s feelings, I need to prevent myself from pining over him. The only way I can think to do that is by training every second I can. I know it’ll take something as tiring as that to keep me from falling to pieces every time I think or see him.
I hear the shuffle of him walking out of the room, and silent tears make their way down my cheeks. Still, I don’t relent, and I don’t look at him. When the door slams shut, so does my heart.
After Caleb leaves, I spend a few hours in my room debating on what to do next. Part of me wants to stay in my room until my birthday, then hightail it out of here to avoid bothering anyone. More importantly, I could avoid Caleb easier, which it’s vital for my sanity. Realistically, I won’t be able to avoid everyone for two months. With the holidays fast approaching, I should spend time with the family I have while I still have them. It may be the only true holiday I ever experience.
With a heavy sigh, I resign myself to go downstairs and face everyone. I’ll need help training for the impending fight, and they’re the only people I can ask for help. A blind attack from Samael and his following of Fallen could be devastating to all of us. It would be selfish to ignore my new responsibility as the Chosen by pushing my training aside, no matter how much I’d rather fall into bed and never surface again. Defeating Samael and saving the Elementals gives me a purpose and keeps me going. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
In an effort to postpone the inevitable, I allow myself a long, hot shower. The stitches from the slice in my side have dissolved, and most of my other injuries have healed. A few bruises still show on my legs from being kicked repeatedly, and the side of my head remains tender to the touch. Every other physical reminder of the attack on Cassie and me has faded to almost nothing.
However, the mental reminders are a different story. The police never caught the two men who hurt us. They promised to keep searching, but with nothing else to go on, they’re essentially stuck to put up wanted posters with police sketches. The two attackers, Adam and Steve, promised they’d come back and finish what they started. I don’t doubt them one bit, and every small noise I hear while I’m alone frightens me. Between the two of them and Samael, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe again.
I hoped the hot water from my shower would ease some of the tension, but it does nothing to relax my knotted muscles. I find myself constantly tense and worried about who may jump out at me next. With multiple threats lurking, it’s all the more reason for me to get back to training. This time, I won’t fail. As much as I don’t want to, I know I need to ask for help with my training again. My best bet would be Jaxon, since he pushed me harder than anyone else. Hopefully, he’ll be willing to help me after what happened. I did get his soulmate hurt, and he may not forgive me for it. He hasn’t tried to come up to my room like Dad, Leanne, and Cassie have. He’s kept his distance the last few weeks, and I worry why.
When the water loses its heat, I relent and drag myself through the process of dressing. I spend time brushing and drying my hair. I brush my teeth and put on clothing other than my pajamas. The only thing I’ve managed to muster up the energy to do over the last few weeks are brush my teeth and take quick showers. I haven’t cared enough to put on anything other than my comfortable clothes and throw my unbrushed hair into a messy bun. My room has been my solace for weeks, but I can’t continue to hide.
With no other ways to stall, I slink down the stairs with my kitten, Rose, at my heels. She kept me company while I hid out in my room, and I’ll forever be grateful to her for simply being with me. I’m able to understand her in a strange, primal way, and I know she’s been concerned about me. She knew it wasn’t a good thing her human wasn’t moving around much. She kneaded my legs and set up camp on them every night. It was the only way she knew to comfort me, and it worked as much as anything else could. Rose was great to cuddle with, but nothing dispels the depression and loneliness I feel deep inside.
I remind myself of how alone I was growing up and how I survived it. If I could live through it for the first seventeen years of my life, I should have no problem handling it now. Except, back then, I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved. Now, I do, and I can’t let go of the need for love. My hands shake as I descend the steps and wonder how my presence will be received by the only people who ever loved me.