I felt the loss the moment I left Caleb’s arms. I swore to myself over and over I’d speak with everyone tonight about ways to move on, but with every second that ticks by, I find myself rethinking the idea. The pain in my chest returned with a vengeance when we arrived home. I told my dad about it, and he suggested I get some rest. His forehead was creased with worry, though, and I got the feeling he wasn’t telling me something important.
I spend the rest of my day with Cassie in my bedroom. We surround ourselves with gossip magazines, board games, my stuffed animals, and Rose, who is the majority of our entertainment through the day. Cassie borrowed a laser pointer from my dad, and we spend longer than we should have watching the little ball of fluff run after the bright red dot.
“Do you think she’ll ever figure out that she can’t catch it?” Cassie points the laser at the window seat and snorts when Rose leaps for it like a tiny tiger.
“She’s sure she can hunt it if she keeps at it.” My affinity for Earth has proven to be my favorite recently. I love that I know what Rose needs and wants. The primal way of communication took a lot of getting used to, but I had plenty of time to work on honing in the ability lately.
Cassie regards me quietly for a long moment. “You’ve been getting good with that ability.”
“I’ve been practicing.” I scratch Rose behind her ear when she jumps onto the bed for attention. “I haven’t had much opportunity to practice the other abilities that go with Earth and the other elements, but since I have Rose, I can easily use her to work on that particular skill.”
“We’ve been neglecting that part of your training,” Cassie muses. “I think we all just want to be sure you can kick ass no matter who you’re against.”
“If I hadn’t had my affinities, the attack last month would have turned out a lot different,” I admit quietly.
Cassie tenses and turns her body toward me, giving me her full attention. “What do you mean?”
“Well...” I bite my lip, unsure about sharing the details. Cassie and I just managed to resolve our issues, and I don’t want to cause more.
She raises a brow. “Ri, what happened?”
“I used my affinities to help me fight off those guys.” She wants to know, and I won’t lie to her. “The knife he had... I managed to pull the heat from around us and burn him with it. I knocked one of them over with a harsh gust of wind, also. They think it was because of the drugs they were on. They kept talking about a bad trip, so I don’t think they suspected anything. It stunned them enough for me to get the upper hand a few times, though.”
Cassie launches herself at me, knocking me over on the bed and hugging me tight. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I know I said that already, but I hate that you had to deal with that crap on your own. You did good, though. You did really good.”
I hug her back, my cheeks burning under her praise. I could have done better. We both know it, but I’m relieved she knows I did my best to protect her.
Just as quickly as she jumped on me, Cassie hops off the bed and spins around. “No more emotional stuff, you’re supposed to be relaxing. Let’s go see if dinner is ready. I smell baked chicken, and you need to eat at least ten helpings.”
I choke on air as I stumble off the bed and race after Cassie. “Ten? Why ten?”
Cassie shrugs and smirks at me over her shoulder. “Because eleven would be entirely too much.”
I bark out a laugh and roll my eyes. “That makes no sense.”
“Whatever, you know what I mean. Don’t make me put the whole damn chicken in front of you.” Cassie waves me off and bounces to the stairs.
I grab her arm to stop her, a sudden thought occurring to me. “Cassie?”
She spins around and raises a brow in question.
“Why is my dad worried about the pain in my chest that’s spread all over? Is it something bad? Should I be concerned?” I bite my lip to keep it from trembling.
Throughout the day, I considered what may be the cause. I doubt my dad would be concerned if it was simply my muscles getting used to my new workouts. I spent a lot of my life avoiding sleep and being denied access to food, and it never made me hurt this badly before. I doubt it’s the cause now. I don’t think it’s the bruises from the attack because they’re nearly gone now.
A few terrifying thoughts occurred to me, though. It could be my body rejecting the blessing, or the gods and goddesses trying to take my affinities back. They may not think I’m doing the job as the Chosen justice, and they want to find someone else. What would that mean for my family? What would they do when Samael decides to wreak havoc with the Elementals?
Cassie takes my hand in hers and squeezes it gently. “He’s worried it’s withdrawal from your soulmate, Ri. Withdrawal from Caleb.”
Her confession stuns me. “Withdrawal? Like from drugs or something?”
“Sort of,” Cassie cringes. “He’s literally the other half of you. To deny your soul its other half puts a strain on a person. It’s incredibly rare that soulmates chose not to be together, and a lot of times it can turn deadly for one or both of them.”
My blood runs cold. “Deadly?” Caleb can’t die; I wouldn’t survive it. It’s a stupid thing to think because he doesn’t belong to me anymore—at least, he doesn’t want to—but I need him to stay alive either way. If he’s alive, I can check up on him, know he’s happy without me. If I can’t have him, then I only want him to be happy.
“Don’t worry about it right now,” Cassie insists with another squeeze of my hand. “For now, the doctor said to rest and relax. After you’ve had a good meal and a long night’s sleep, we can talk about options. Until then, just try to push it from your mind. You don’t need the stress.”
“But—” I want to protest and ask her what options she means, but she interrupts me with a look.
“No buts.” Cassie closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I wouldn’t have even told you, but since you asked, I had to. Please, let’s get you fed and rested. Then we can talk more about this. I promise, nothing is going to change between now and then.”
Unsure whether my mind and body could handle the stress of the conversation, I easily relent to Cassie’s plea. “Okay, let’s go eat.”
Cassie cheers up instantly when I agree to her demands. She bounces down the stairs, then into the kitchen with my hand still in hers. Except, I don’t bounce with her. Instead, I stumble and nearly face-plant in my attempt to keep up with her. Her energy level rivals a toddler on a sugar high, and sometimes, I can’t help but wonder how much coffee the girl actually drinks in one day.
Leanne glances up when we enter the room, and her permanent smile broadens. “Hey, dinner is about ready. Go ahead and sit down. I just need to grab the rolls, and I’ll be right over.”
“Need help?” I ask, lingering around the bar. Caleb sits in his normal seat at the dining table, and as much as I want to sit next to him and pretend the last month never happened, I can’t.
Leanne shakes her head. “I’ve got this, honey. Go relax. Doctors’ orders.”
With a small pout, I drag my feet to the table and sit in the empty seat next to Cassie. It’s where I’ve been sitting for recent meals, and I hate it. It’s not my spot, but I don’t trust myself to sit beside Caleb without falling at his feet, begging him to take me back.
The short time I spent in his arms earlier today only served to remind me how much I miss him and the comfort his presence brings me. As if I needed more of a reminder than the constant ache in my chest and deepening depression.
“So,” Dad starts as Leanne takes her seat. “I was thinking we should get back to our normal volunteer schedule this coming weekend.”
Leanne perks up. “I completely agree. I’ve missed our little adventures. We could call up the animal shelter and ask if they need our help. Derek and Susannah are home, now. They’d love to join us, I’m sure.”
“Speaking of my parents...” Cassie sits up straighter in her seat. She peeks at me from the corner of her eye but quickly diverts her attention back to Leanne when she catches me watching her intently. I was supposed to meet Cassie and Caleb’s parents last month—and the very reason we were at the mall later than necessary. I needed the perfect outfit, but instead, I made us into the perfect victims.
Caleb clears his throat and shifts awkwardly in his seat. Cassie ignores his obvious discomfort. “Thanksgiving is next week. They want to know when we’ll be making menu plans.”
Silence descends upon the table. Looks I don’t understand are exchanged with everyone except for me. I do my best to wait them out patiently, but when no one offers an explanation, I can’t help myself. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, kiddo.” Dad offers me an awkward half-smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
I raise my eyebrows in disbelief. I never noticed what a terrible liar my father is until now. As if reading my thoughts, Jaxon barks out a laugh and vainly tries to cover it with a cough. “Dad, you’re a shitty liar.”
Dad glares and points his finger at Jaxon. “I’ll ground you.”
“I’m sure you will.” Jaxon rolls his eyes, then turns his focus to me. “Are you okay with spending Thanksgiving with them, Riley?”
I blink at him. “Me?”
“No, the other Riley we keep hidden in the pantry,” Cassie snorts. “Yes, you!”
Deliberately ignoring Cassie’s sass, I frown at my brother. “Why are you asking me?”
“Because it’s your house, too,” Leanne answers. She sets her fork down and leans forward to give me her full attention. “You’re our girl, and we want your first, real Thanksgiving to be spent having a good time, not stressed and uncomfortable.”
My heart soars when she calls me their girl. I want to ask her if it would be weird for me to call her mom from now on but now doesn’t feel like the right time, and it may be a silly question to ask in the first place.
Cassie takes my silence as hesitation and wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Don’t be nervous, Ri. We’re fine with whatever you’re comfortable with. We just need to know what you want.”
As much as it scares me, I’d love to meet Cassie and Caleb’s parents. I’ve heard nothing but good things about both of them, and I want to put faces to the stories I’ve heard. My biggest fear, though, would be them asking about what happened with Caleb and me. I wouldn’t know what to tell them. My second biggest fear would be them hating me with a passion, and it’s likely they would after everything that has happened.
My heart races in my chest. “I’m not sure,” I admit quietly. “Can we talk about it later?”
“Of course, kiddo,” Dad eagerly agrees. He uses his fork to point to the food spread out on the table. “Eat up before it gets cold.”
“There’s nothing worse than cold veggies.” Cassie wrinkles her nose and pops a carrot into her mouth. “Unless they’re supposed to be cold, like when you eat them raw. I love raw bell peppers, but only the red ones. I’m not fond of them cooked, though.”
“I don’t think there’s anything worse than vegetables, period,” Jaxon mumbles, pushing a piece of broccoli around his plate. “Whoever looked at them and said ‘Hey, let’s eat that. I’m sure it’ll taste great,’ was an idiot. Especially shit like broccoli. I mean, it looks like a tiny tree. Why would anyone think a tiny tree was edible?”
The vegetable debate continues as I put a roasted fingerling potato onto my plate. I’ll start small and work my way to regular food if my stomach allows for it. From the corner of my eye, I find Caleb watching me intently, his frown deepening as I set my fork down and pretend to tune into the conversation. Every one of my nerves is alive with awareness that his whole focus is on me for whatever reason. Hard as I try, I can’t retain a single thing that’s said in the conversation around the table. My stomach twists painfully, my heart races faster, and I become lightheaded even while sitting at the table. The attention he gives me drains away any chance of eating anything.
I make the hasty decision to get away from him and his attention. Without warning, I scoot my chair back, stealing everyone’s attention. “I’m going to clean up, then head to bed.” It’s technically not a lie. I need to get away, and my room is the only place I can think of to go. I may lie or sit in my bed, but I won’t go to sleep anytime soon. Still, the farther from Caleb, the better for my sanity.
“You need to eat something, baby.” Caleb’s tone is worried but firm. “You’re making yourself sick.”
Something deep inside me snaps. Every emotion I’ve tried my hardest to stamp down over the last few weeks bubbles to the surface when Caleb speaks to me as if he didn’t crush my heart and break my soul in half. I find myself no longer able to hold in my thoughts, and they spew out like lava along with a rush of tears. “I wish you would give up this whole facade. You made your feelings clear, and I’ve done my best to accept them. Why can’t you accept that I can’t be friends with you? It hurts me to just be around you. I love you too much to just be your friend.”
Before he or anyone else can respond, I gather what’s left of my dignity and race out of the house. I sprint down the street, blinded by a flood of tears. I’m not running away from home or from my family, I’m not even running from Caleb. I just want to outrun the pain that’s forever settled in my heart. I haven’t acknowledged Caleb in weeks, vainly hoping it would help me move on. Speaking to him again only made things worse because even though everything I said was true, I had to fight myself to not beg him to love me again.
My feet pound against the pavement until I reach a fenced-in park about a mile from our house. It isn’t an extravagant park—it only holds two swings, a small slide, and one picnic table—but it serves its purpose for the little kids in the neighborhood when their parents don’t want to gather them up for a day at the larger park near town.
My legs won’t carry me any farther than the small park, proving how weak I’ve allowed myself to become. I gasp for air and clutch at my chest in hopes of gaining the ability to breathe normally again. I drop myself onto one of the swings and lean forward. With the sun setting the sky gives little light but luckily, a street lamp shines down on the park allowing me to see everything around me while I desperately try to regain my composure.
This whole situation is too difficult to handle. I can’t live in the same house with Caleb, see him every single day, and maintain my sanity. I understand he’s Jaxon’s best friend and Cassie’s brother, but he was supposed to be my soulmate. My forever. How am I supposed to watch them with their happily-ever-afters and live with mine just out of reach?
Movement to my left catches my attention, pulling me from my dreary, self-pitying thoughts. I whip around, fully expecting one of the men from the mall to jump out at me. It was idiotic to leave the house alone, especially at night. My mind hadn’t been in a logical place at the time, though.
Luckily, I find Caleb instead of a murderous crazy person. Then again, I might prefer the latter at this point. Caleb cautiously strides up to the swing, his hands out in front of him as if he’s worried I’ll attack him or try to run again. Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy to do either.
“Ba-er... Riley, we need to talk about this,” he insists. “We can’t just ignore it anymore.”
“You said plenty already, Caleb.” I look up to the sky, willing the tears to stop, but they don’t listen. “I don’t need a repeat of the hospital chat we had. I don’t understand why you keep pushing this friendship thing or whatever it is that has you hanging around me. What good is it doing for either of us?”
“I’m not going anywhere.” His voice hardens as he kneels on the ground beside my swing. “You can’t make me leave you.”
“You did a pretty good job of it before.” I instantly regret my words as pain flashes across his features.
I can’t bring myself to take them back though. I have never been one to lie, and I won’t start now. What I said was true. He left me before, and it didn’t seem to be a hard thing for him to do.
“I’m sorry I acted like I did.” He runs his hand down his face. “I fucked up, all right? But I will make up for it every day for the rest of our lives if I have to. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I wasn’t thinking rationally, and I handled everything completely wrong. Believe me, I’ve had a lot of time to think about how stupid I was, and I’ll do anything to take away the hurt I’ve caused you. Please, Riley, believe me.”
My hands angrily swipe at the tears as they continue to run down my face. “I can’t be friends with you, Caleb. It’s hard enough to be near you.” I don’t understand why he’s so desperate to be friends with me when he doesn’t even want me. Frustration and anger filter through the sadness and defeat. “You left me! You don’t want me anymore, and I get it!” I shout, standing up and pacing back and forth in front of him.
I finally gathered the nerve to tell him what I’ve been thinking for weeks, and I don’t want to stop now. I blurt out everything I’ve wanted to say to him but couldn’t find the nerve to say before now. “Believe me, I get it. I’m nothing special, you could do a million times better than me. But why won’t you just leave me be? Why do you insist on causing so much more pain by trying to be my friend or whatever it is that you’re doing?”
I swirl around at glare at him through my tears. “I won’t hurt Cassie again if that’s why you’re keeping such a close eye on me. Believe it or not, she is my best friend, and I didn’t mean for her to get hurt. I didn’t ask for those guys to show up, and I tried to stop them from going after her. I won’t hurt your sister, Caleb. Will you please just stop hurting me? I can’t take it anymore.” I have to quit my rant and gasp for air. My heart feels like it’s turned to glass and shattered into a thousand jagged pieces. It’s painful, and I can’t hold myself together much longer.
“Are you finished?” Caleb asks calmly, his voice quiet, before he gets to his feet. “Because I have something to say.”