I don’t answer him. I merely wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to gather some sort of dignity from the crumbled pieces of myself and prepare for his final goodbye.
“You can yell at me all you want.” He remains calm and collected at first. “But I’m not going anywhere. You can kick me to the ground and spit on me, but I am not going any-fucking-where.” His voice rises with each word. My feet remain frozen in place, unable and unwilling to move farther away from him as he strides closer. “Set my ass on fire, try to drown me in water, put me in the middle of a tornado, or dig my grave, and I will still be right here. You can’t get rid of me, baby. Not now, not ever. If you would just listen to what I am trying to say to you, then you would understand.”
“I don’t understand you,” I cry out, putting my hands on his chest and pushing him with all my strength. He stumbles back a few feet, mostly in surprise I think because the push was pathetic. “You left me. You told me you couldn’t do this anymore, that you were done. Then you turned your back on me and walked out the door. You didn’t come back or talk to me. You were just gone. Now, you want to be friends with me? You want to torture me by constantly being beside me while I have to remind myself every second of every day that you don’t want anything but friendship from me? That’s not fair, Caleb. I won’t survive that. I’m barely surviving without you as it is!”
I swirl around to try to gain some composure. After a few long breaths, I run my hand through my hair and turn back to face him, I repeat myself, quieter this time, barely able to control myself. “You don’t love me anymore. You left me. You’re done with me.”
“Dammit, Riley, I never said I didn’t love you!” he shouts, putting his hands on my shoulders, giving me a firm but gentle shake. “I never once said I didn’t love you. I love you so much if fucking kills me to be away from you. I was smothering you, and I knew you’d resent me for it if I didn’t give you some room to breathe. Then the one time I tried to relax, tried to let you do your thing and have a fun day with Cassie, you end up in the fucking hospital.” His eyes shine with unshed tears. “You could have died!” He gives my shoulders a slight shake with each word.
As hard as I try to push away the hopefulness, it wiggles its way into my brain and plants a fast-growing seed. He can’t be telling the truth. He left. If I allow myself to believe him now and he’s lying, it’ll destroy me.
Caleb clenches and unclenches his jaw, desperately trying to grab ahold of his emotions. “You could have fucking died, and I would have died with you, Riley. I didn’t know how to handle that... I still don’t. I was so scared out of my mind when Jaxon felt Cassie get hurt. He said he felt her pain, then nothing at all. I panicked, I just fucking panicked.” With a sigh of frustration, he touches his forehead against mine, a few stray tears leaking from his eyes, and lowers his voice to a whisper. “I love you more than you will ever understand, and I’m never letting you go. I was an idiot. I handled my fear in the wrong way, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I was just terrified I’d lost you, and I couldn’t even think straight.”
“Why did you leave me then? Why did you say all the things you said?” I whisper back through my tears. I can’t bring myself to break the precious contact we have by pulling away from him. If I’m reading this wrong and things go bad, I’ll spend my life regretting the moment I lowered my walls and allowed the hope to creep in, but I’m too exhausted to hold on to the fight anymore. “Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you tell me you loved me?”
Caleb pulls back and takes my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “I wasn’t allowed to, baby girl.”
I frown in confusion. “Why not?”
“Your dad said that I had to leave and not come back. He said that you told him you were afraid of me and to make sure he didn’t let me into the room or near you.” His eyes flash with hurt. I don’t understand why my father would say such a thing, but it stirs a memory in my mind. I try to focus on Caleb as he continues and not the memory forcing its way through the fogginess of my time in the hospital.
“I was out looking for you the second I knew you ran. I didn’t mean for you to run, baby, I swear. I just went to the waiting room to calm down for a second. I didn’t want you to see me so upset and scared. You were already hurting, and I didn’t want to add to it. I couldn’t think about anything but finding the sons of bitches who hurt you and Cassie and kill them. The anger I felt toward them and the fear from nearly losing you wasn’t a good combination. I needed a few minutes to get myself together so I could be there for you. Then when I came back to apologize, you were missing. I wasn’t even gone five minutes.”
“But you said—” I start to remind him of his vow of being done with me, but he stops me with a harsh shake of his head.
“No, I didn’t.” He closes his eyes and takes a shaky breath. His hands resting on either side of my face shake. “When I told you I was done, I meant I was done with leaving you untrained and defenseless. I could never forgive myself if something happened to you because I went too easy on you. I wasn’t sure what I could do to change things. To help you learn to defend yourself. But I wasn’t about to back off and let you have girl-time anymore until it happened. I may have been smothering you, but it was necessary, and I won’t apologize for it. I was terrified I would push you away by smothering you, but I couldn’t step back and let you get hurt. I never once said I was done with you. I’ll never be done with you.”
I open my mouth to ask him if he’s being honest with me, to beg him to admit everything he’s said is the truth. I need it all to be real and true, more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life. But he puts a gentle finger on my lips to stop me. “I love you, Riley. I will love you until the day I die, and nothing and no one will ever change that. I’ll never give up on us, even if you never forgive me. Though it would make things a hell of a lot easier if you did,” he jokes lightly.
“What about before?” I ask around his finger.
His brow draws together, and he drops his hand. “Before what?”
“You were so distant since we got back from Sacramento. I don’t even remember the last time you told me you loved me. It’s like you were preparing yourself to leave me.”
Caleb takes a step away from me, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels. “I’ll be honest with you but try not to get too upset about it.” His cheeks darken, and I blink in surprise. Did he really just blush? I’d give almost anything to read his mind.
“I’ll try,” I promise.
He clears his throat and bites at his bottom lip nervously. “First off, I didn’t get to tell you I loved you since the incident because you wouldn’t let me. The only time you let me talk to you was in your room the morning after your father let me come back into the house. I needed you to know I was sorry more than anything that day. Mostly because I thought you knew how much I loved you. I tell you all the time, baby girl, and that isn’t going to change.” Caleb blows out a long breath and tilts his head back, staring at the sky. “I’ll admit, I’d been trying to back off a bit partly because I felt like I was smothering you, like I said before, but it was also getting hard to keep my hands off you. There’s more to that, but I’d rather not go into it right now. I promise I will another time, but it’s more complicated than my worry of overwhelming you.
“All I want you to understand right now is that I love you. I never stopped loving you, and I never will. You’re it for me, Riley. I never want you to doubt my feelings for you. I’ll keep saying it until you believe me and long after. I. Love. You. Riley. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. No matter what you say or do, my heart belongs to you, completely.”
“You love me?” I barely hear my words as I take a step back and ball my shaking hands into fists. Was the last month of absolute misery a result of miscommunication? Does he really still love me? My heart thunders hopefully in my chest, but doubt remains in my mind. “You aren’t just saying this because you feel guilty or obligated or something? Please, don’t do this to me if you aren’t serious. I wouldn’t survive that.”
Determination shines in his eyes as he takes a step toward me. “If you let me prove it to you, I will.” When I don’t back away from his advances, he closes the distance between us and rests his hands on my hips. I allow him to because I can’t resist him anymore. I don’t want to be away from him, even if it’s a few inches. “I love you so fucking much, baby girl. Please give me the chance to prove it to you. I’ll do anything for a chance.”
I consider his confession, and I can’t deny the truth that echoes in his words. The last of my qualms could easily be put to rest by speaking with my dad. He could confirm Caleb’s reasons for staying away from me in the hospital.
Still, I need to think hard about everything. I can’t give into him simply because I miss him. I need to be sure it’s because I truly believe him. Right now, I do, but I’ve also missed him fiercely. The only real way I can trust him at his word, though, is to give him the chance to prove it to me. Part of me wants to give him the chance because I feel like he deserves it. If he’s telling the truth—and I believe he is—then he’s never done anything to hurt me and never would. He deserves the chance to prove himself. I also believe I deserve the chance to be happy. I want to give myself that chance. It’ll be impossible not to dive back into him headfirst, but it’s worth the risk. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t give us this chance and spent the rest of my life miserable.
“All right,” I relent. Caleb’s body sags with relief. “I’ll give you the chance to prove it to me. I’ll trust that you’re telling me the truth. Just...” I swallow hard and squeeze my eyes tight, remembering how painful it’s been without him. “Don’t break me again, Caleb, please.”
“Never,” Caleb vows breathlessly. He tugs me into a tight hug that I embrace easily. This is where I’m supposed to be—I know, as my body hums with contentment. “I’ll prove to you how much I need you, how much I love you. I swear, I’ll make this whole thing up to you. Thank you for giving me a chance, baby.”
I shake my head against his chest. “If what you say is true, it’s not really your fault. It was just all a misunderstanding.”
Caleb rests his lips on the top of my head and takes a deep breath. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. I was horrified when Mark told me that you were afraid of me. I’ve never regretted my actions more than I did right then. I never should have gotten angry with you, and I’m so damn sorry I yelled at you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. Fuck, baby, I was just panicking. I can’t lose you, not ever.”
“Caleb.” I pull away from him, only enough to look into his eyes. He’s beating himself up about a misunderstanding, and I hate it. “Yes, I was upset, scared, and confused, but that’s not your fault. You’re allowed to have the feelings you did. It’ll take more than a few months for me to get used to the fact that you react normally with your anger and other emotions, though. It’s not what I’m used to. I’m trying to get better about it, but I still need time to work on my own reactions.”
“I hurt you,” he reminds me.
“No, you didn’t—” I cut myself off and cringe because it isn’t entirely the truth. “I mean, you did. But not because you were upset, not because you yelled. You hurt me when you didn’t come back, when I was led to believe you really were done with me and that you didn’t care anymore. I thought you were done when you said it, but what confirmed it for me was when you didn’t come back.”
“I tried so hard to come back, but Mark was determined to keep me out.” Caleb’s pained expression cuts deep. He was hurting, too. “He wasn’t about to let anyone or anything else hurt you. I can kind of understand his determination, but I also wanted to kick his ass.”
“I don’t understand why he would tell you that I didn’t want you around.” My brow draws together as the memory from the hospital again tries to push its way forward in my mind. Try as I might, I can’t clearly remember what had happened.
Caleb shrugs. “We can ask Mark when we get back.” He tightens his hands around me, pulling me back into his embrace. “Right now, I just want to hold you for a few weeks. Maybe months.” I allow his smoky scent to wash over me, his tight hug to comfort me, and his words to soothe me. It’s only been a month since I was in his arms, but it feels like a lifetime. I never want him to let me go.
All too soon, Caleb pulls away, taking my hands in his. “We should head back. Everyone is worried about you. They’re all looking for you now. According to Mark, I wasn’t to come after you, but I couldn’t let you run out alone. I think he’s pretty pissed off at the words I used when I left the house.”
I start to agree, but something in the dark corner of the park catches my eye. I freeze. A feeling of wicked dread washes over me. We aren’t alone anymore, and whoever joined us is a bad person.
“Baby?” Caleb glances around, his eyes scanning the area where my attention remains. “What’s wrong?”
“Shh.” I try to figure out what caught my eye and why it sends revolting chills down my spine. I squint into the darkness and finally manage to make out a silhouette. Seconds later it shifts, and I watch in horror as a figure steps out into the light. “It’s Samael,” I choke out. “And he’s not alone.”