My hands shake as I take a sip of my water.
Why did I agree to come here? Though I have to admit the lasagna smells good.
My mother used to make me spaghetti and meatballs every once in a while when I was a kid.
On her good days.
She would open a can of store-bought spaghetti sauce, form hamburger into tiny balls and fry them, and then pour it all over cooked spaghetti noodles.
It was my favorite meal, and I knew when I smelled spaghetti and meatballs that it was a good day for my mother. A day when I wouldn’t end up in the closet.
She had a lot of good days after she took away my volleyball. For some reason that made her happy—to take away something that meant so much to me.
Macy says she needed me, and she was jealous of the volleyball. She thinks my mother suffered from something called borderline personality disorder. Probably combined with bipolar disorder. The two together are a difficult combination and require treatment most of the time.
But Macy can’t be sure, of course, because she hasn’t talked to my mother. Hasn’t examined my mother. And she says my memories could be flawed.
Apparently, when you have a traumatizing childhood, your memories can’t always be trusted. Even though I remember every single thing in Technicolor as if it were yesterday.
I sigh, which turns out to be a big mistake. Aspen and Buck both turn and stare at me.
“What?” I say.
“You sighed,” Aspen says. “Is everything okay?”
Really? Did she just ask me that question?
“You know very well that everything is not okay,” I say. “I’m being threatened. By Brindley.”
“Yes, we know,” Leif says, his voice measured. “That’s why Buck and I are here. Did you know Buck and Aspen are missing their honeymoon to be here?”
I huff as I look around the living room. Leather furniture, of course, which I hate. It’s not quite as colorless and drab as Leif’s place, though. A few throw pillows in red and green make it look like Christmas. And the coffee table is dark wood without a glass top. So I don’t risk breaking anything when I slam my hand onto it. “Well I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my safety made you miss your honeymoon.”
I hate myself as soon as those words come out of my mouth. I’m not this person. But, as Macy says, how are these people supposed to know otherwise? They can’t see inside my head. They only know what I say.
“I’m sorry.” I force the words out of my mouth while purposefully refusing to rub my hand that smarts.
Aspen looks at me with wide eyes. “You are?”
“I said it, didn’t I?”
God, here I go again.
“You know, Kelly,” Leif says. “People would be nice to you if you were nicer to them. We’re not your enemies.”
“I shouldn’t have come.” I rise.
Aspen rises as well. “Please, sit down. Let’s all try to get along. We’re going to be spending a lot of time together, and as Leif said, I’m missing my honeymoon for this.”
“I—”
Aspen gestures for me to be quiet. “I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty. Buck, Leif, and I all want to be here. We want to be here for you. I know what you’ve been through. I was there.”
I open my mouth to retort but then shut it abruptly.
She doesn’t know what I’ve been through. Sure, she was on the island. And Aspen went through hell on that island. I’ve heard the stories. She was a favorite to hunt, and she spent time in the infirmary. I don’t know any of those details.
But she probably had an idyllic childhood. Two parents who loved and doted on her.
Plus, she’s tall and strong and beautiful. The island didn’t take that from her.
The island didn’t take anything from me, either. My mother had already taken everything from me by the time I got there.
I sit back down. “All right. I’ll stay.” I take another sip of my water.
Buck joins us then, and I force myself not to gape at him. He’s almost as good-looking as Leif, only dark where Leif is light. As much as I hate to admit it, he and Aspen make a stunning couple. Both dark-haired and dark-eyed, both tall and muscular. They’ll have beautiful athletic children.
I take another sip of water. My throat hurts a little bit, and I’m not sure why.
Except I do know why. I spend my life choking back sobs so my throat is always constricted and in pain.
For once I’d like to be able to let it all go. Fly free, if only for moment.
“Everything smells great,” Leif says.
“My mom’s lasagna is the absolute best. Just ask Aspen. Every time we go to an Italian restaurant, I order lasagna and every time I say—”
“It’s good, but nothing like my mother’s,” Aspen finishes for him, laughing.
Happiness radiates through both of them. I drop my gaze to Aspen’s left hand, where her wedding set sparkles. It’s got to be two carats for sure. A round solitaire set in a ring guard of diamond chips. Buck wears a plain gold band on his finger.
Again, I’m aware of the cloud of happiness that seems to enclose them. It’s like a bubble of sunshine engulfing them, and some of it radiates onto Leif.
While I’m sitting in this chair below a gray cloud with rain threatening to fall.
Happiness is not an option for me. It never was.
Aspen sits on the couch, and Buck takes a seat beside her.
He grabs his glass of Chianti, swirls it, and then takes a sip. “This is one of my favorites. It’s made in a tiny town in Tuscany, and I discovered it when Leif and I were living here last year. This little liquor store in the village stocks it, so of course I had to take Aspen there as soon as we got here, and I bought a case of it.”
Aspen takes another sip of hers. “I have to admit that it’s one of the best Chiantis I’ve ever had. Not that I know a lot about wine. I just know what I like.”
I have nothing to add to this conversation, so I say nothing.
“Are you a wine drinker, Kelly?” Aspen asks.
“Not really.”
“Right, you said you don’t drink much.”
“Right,” I reply.
“I’m a bourbon man myself,” Leif offers. “But I like wine.”
God, could this conversation get any duller?
Buck rises then. “Let me get the appetizers.”
Thank God. Appetizers. We can chew instead of talk.
He walks to the kitchen and returns carrying a tray. “Antipasti,” he says. “Or my version, anyway. These are skewers of dry salami, cantaloupe, green olives, and mozzarella drizzled with extra-virgin olive oil.” He sets the tray on the coffee table, along with four plates stacked with napkins. “Help yourself.”
I don’t move.
Leif does. “You know me. You don’t have to ask me twice.” He grabs a plate, places two of the skewers on it and then takes a napkin. To my surprise, instead of keeping it for himself, he hands it to me. “Kelly?”
I’m too surprised not to take it. “Thank you,” I murmur.
Then he smiles at me.
He smiles at me, and I feel…
I feel…something.
Something I’ve never felt.
I’m not sure what it is, but it’s…pleasant.
It’s just my body reacting to a good-looking man who did something nice for me. That’s all it is.
But it’s something.
And I have to say…I don’t hate it.
I’m not sure how to eat these little skewers, so I wait until Aspen takes a bite. She picks up the small wooden skewer and bites the first piece off of it.
I do the same. The first piece is a small chunk of mozzarella cheese, and it’s fantastic. The little bit of extra-virgin olive oil gives it a tang and it melts against my tastebuds.
The next bite is a salty olive, perfect after the cheese, and then the sweetness of a chunk of cantaloupe. That gives way to the umami of the salami. All bound together by extra-virgin olive oil.
“These are wonderful,” I say.
A smile splits Buck’s handsome face. “I’m so glad you like them. They’re actually my own invention.”
“They are?” Aspen raises her eyebrows.
“Yeah. Didn’t I tell you that, baby?”
“You did not.”
“Yeah. I love traditional antipasti, but it’s a pain in the ass to eat it with your hands or with a fork and knife. So I invented my little antipasti skewers. You can put anything on them, but this combo is my favorite.”
“I agree with Kelly,” Leif says. “They’re delicious.”
“I’ve made these for you a hundred times, Phoenix.” Buck laughs.
“You’ve made them once,” Leif says. “And besides this, I didn’t even know you could cook.”
“Did he just call you Phoenix?” I ask.
“He did. It’s my SEAL name.” He smiles at me.
Which makes me uncomfortable.
“Are you from Phoenix?”
“No, I’m from a small ranching town in Texas. They called me Phoenix in the Navy because I was able to get out of scrapes.”
“Yeah, he’s risen from the ashes more times than I can count,” Buck says. “He had all our backs in Afghanistan. Phoenix here is a true hero.”
“You both are.” Aspen gazes adoringly at her husband.
Puke.
But I can’t deny my respect for anyone in the military. I almost joined up myself after high school. My mother kicked me out of the house when I turned eighteen midway through my senior year. With no place to go, I was lucky to find a friend whose parents agreed to take me in until graduation. They didn’t have to do that, and I’m eternally grateful.
I had no money for college, so the military seemed like a great choice. I took the test, passed the physical, and was ready to sign on the dotted line when a job came through. Waiting tables at a local establishment.
I should’ve gone with the military, but I let my insecurities make the decision for me.
It was easier not to leave. Easier to stay with what was familiar.
My friend’s parents let me stay until I had enough money saved up from my job to rent a room from an elderly couple. I had my own entrance by way of the garage, so as long as I paid my rent, I didn’t have any interaction with the Joneses.
I was angry, but I was forced to suppress that anger during work. To be friendly and keep a smile on my face at all times. That’s how you get good tips when you’re waiting tables. Most people don’t care if you screw up every now and then as long as your attitude is good.
I found out I was a damned good server. I also found out I was damned good at suppressing my emotions.
“How’s the job hunt going, Kelly?” Aspen asks.
Her voice jars me out of my thoughts.
“I’m not qualified for much except for waiting tables.”
“There’s an abundance of jobs in that area here in Manhattan,” Buck says. “We have top-notch restaurants.”
“Or you could talk to the Wolfes,” Aspen says. “They helped Katelyn get a job. You know, Moonstone.”
“They haven’t made that offer to me,” I say.
Then I wait.
I wait for the inevitable.
Because you don’t deserve it.
Because you have no nothing to offer their business.
They didn’t make you that offer because you’re being a bitch.
But silence reigns, until—
“I’ll help you,” Leif says. “We can go around tomorrow, check out the restaurants in the area, see if they’re hiring.”
I stop my jaw from dropping. “Why would you do that?”
“You’re my project, Kelly.”
Anger curls up my spine. “I’m no one’s project,” I grit out.
Leif raises his hands in mock surrender. “I don’t mean it that way. I’ve been hired by the Wolfe family to keep you safe, so I’ll go with you. Together, we can come up with something.”
“Why would we come up with anything together?” I say snidely.
He smiles then. “Buck, back me up on this. You’re a hard guy to say no to.”
Buck lets out a guffaw. “You’re so full of it, Phoenix.”
Aspen is laughing as well, and she punches her husband good-naturedly on his upper arm. “You’re pretty hard to say no to yourself.”
Ugh. Sex vibes galore. The two of them are so in love it’s pukeworthy.
Except…it’s also kind of adorable. The sunshine of happiness that envelops them.
Part of me is envious.
Part of me knows I’ll never have that, so why be envious?
Seems like I’ve spent my entire life envying others.
It’s getting old.
“So what do you say, Kelly?” Leif continues. “First thing tomorrow, we go out. We’ll find you employment.”
“Do I have a choice in this?”
“Of course you have a choice. I’m not the boss of you.”
“Right. You’re just my personal bodyguard.”
“If you choose to think of it that way,” he says. “If I were you, I would choose to think of it as another person who has your wellbeing at heart and who wants to help.”
God. I’m having such a hard time trying to dislike this guy. He’s such a do-gooder.
“Fine,” I relent. “Tomorrow, we go out together, and we look for a job for me. But I’m warning you. It’s not going to be easy.”
“I’ve always loved a challenge.”
He smiles, and in that moment, a tiny bit of the ice around my heart melts.