This time we went to a house. The house was empty except for me and this lady who had brought me here, who spoke English and chattered all the time. The lady was small and round with soft flaps of flesh that wobbled between her sari blouse and skirt, wobbled as she walked and as she laughed. Her sari was green and sparkling. Her lips were painted bright red, and there was a speck of red on her tooth, which I longed to wipe away, as if that was a big problem for me, which is stupid in that situation. But I longed to nevertheless. Her eyes were outlined in thick black kajal. She had long fingernails like claws and they were bright red. On her feet she wore chappals, the kind where a strap goes between the biggest toes. Her feet were wide and flat with hard cracked skin, like a lizard. She laughed a lot. She seemed to think everything was hilarious, but I didn’t and I did not laugh. I did not even smile. But I liked being with her because I was no longer alone with my monsters.
‘I know your name is Asha but I will give you a new name, a more appropriate name,’ she said to me, and I thought, why? Appropriate for what? My name Asha means hope and I could not think of anything more appropriate because hope was the only thing that could keep me breathing right now. But no.
‘Asha is not a good name for you. From now on you will be called Kamini. Kamini is a beautiful name. It means you are a beautiful, sensuous woman. What a lovely name! Do you not think it is a wonderful name? It suits you so much!’
Well I did not reply to her because I was not talking at all – I could not talk – but I wished I had a dictionary so that I could look up the meaning of the word sensuous. Or that Janiki was with me so I could ask her and she would explain to me, as she explained all new words. But how futile to wish for Janiki, or even for a dictionary! But it is certainly good to know what one’s own name means.
So she gave me a new name just as if she were my mother, but she wasn’t. She told me to call her Devaki Aunty. But I didn’t. I did not call her anything.
She gave me food in that new house. She took me into the kitchen and cooked rice for me and a little masala. She told me to sit on the floor and she handed me a bowl with the rice and masala in it. I was very hungry and I gobbled it all up at once. I was also thirsty because I had only had a single glass of water all day and it was so hot. She let me drink as much water as I wanted and so I was grateful to her and liked her better than the other woman.
After I’d had my food she took me into another room and said, ‘Now Kamini, I am going to explain to you why I said that you are a very lucky girl. So that you will know what to do and what your new duties are. First of all I want you to stop looking so sulky. Sulky look is a not beautiful look. I want you to smile. Smile, dear!’
But I could not smile and so I didn’t. She did not like that.
‘Smile, I said! Smile!’ This time her voice was sharp and she was not laughing any more.
‘If you do not smile I will slap you,’ she said. ‘I will paddle you with a cooking spoon. You wouldn’t like that. So just smile.’
And so I smiled. I stretched my lips. And she nodded and smiled herself.
‘That’s better. You are a good girl. I knew it! Not just beautiful but good. You see, you must be obedient and all will be well. Just do what I tell you and the most important thing is to smile. OK, you may stop smiling now.’
So I stopped smiling. I let my lips unstretch.
‘Now,’ she said, ‘I need to explain some things to you. Mr Rajgopal is the boss. He is like an uncle. In fact he might even let you call him Krishnan Uncle in future. Mr Rajgopal is sending you to a gentleman from Calcutta, a very rich gentleman. His name is Mr Chaudhuri. Calcutta is in Bengal, so he is a Bengali, a very important Bengali. He is famous in Bombay. He wishes to make your acquaintance. He has seen your photo and likes you very much. He wants to know you better. I know you have little experience of men so I will have to teach you some things. I am sure your mother never taught you these things as you are not yet of marriageable age and it might shock you, but don’t worry. It is all normal. You will see how easy it is after the first time.’
And she told me how this man wished to be entertained. And indeed I was shocked to my core and could not believe what she said. But she said it was normal to be shocked at first but once I had done it I would not mind.
‘Mr Chaudhuri is a fine gentleman,’ she said. ‘That is why I said you are a lucky girl. He would not take just any girl. But look at your sweet fair skin! So pure! So lovely! But you cannot go to him in a sulky way. That is not good. It will make him angry. You must stop this sulking and look at him with loving eyes and smile and chat with him. That is how he wants you to be so that is how you must be. Do you understand what I am saying?’
I stared at her and said nothing.
‘Do you understand?’ she shouted. ‘Answer me girl and stop this stupid sulking! I told you how lucky you are and still you sulk! Do you want to end up in a cage? Do you? Do you? Mr Rajgopal is a very important man. He has arranged everything with Mr Chaudhuri and will be very angry if you disappoint. He will be furious! You do not want to anger him. Mr Rajgopal will put you in a cage if you don’t behave!. Do you want to end up in a cage?’
I did not know what she was talking about. End up in a cage? What did that mean? And then she explained.
‘That is the alternative if you are not good. The cages – that is where the bad girls go. I will show you a picture.’
And she showed me some photographs. Indeed, they were of girls in a window of a house, upstairs, and they were truly behind bars, sitting there and looking out.
‘These are the cages of Kamathipura,’ she said. ‘It is where the bad girls go. Believe me, you do not want to end up there. But that is where you will end up if you do not do as I say. You are so lucky, so don’t throw this opportunity away. So first you must practise the smiling. He likes a smiling affectionate girl. It is easy to smile. Not so easy to be affectionate. But I will teach you.’
And she tried to teach me but I would not learn. And indeed she hit me with a wooden spoon, and shouted at me, but I would not learn.
She showed me some films on the TV. I almost died with disgust. ‘This is what a woman does when she is married,’ she told me, but I could not believe it. And the films she showed me got worse and worse so that I had to hide my eyes but she grabbed my wrist and pulled away my hands and screamed at me: ‘Open your eyes, girl! You must watch!’
She told me this is what she wants me to do and I must learn. I can hardly talk about the things she forced me to watch, yes, forced, because if I did not watch she hit me.
And then I heard her talking on the phone to someone, but in rapid Hindi so I could not understand most of what she said, but sometimes she spoke English words and I understood.
‘She is not compliant, Mr Rajgopal,’ I heard her say, and, ‘So stubborn.’
When she finished she slammed down the receiver and then she said to me, ‘I am taking you to Mr Chaudhuri now. He is from Calcutta and very rich. You will like him. He insists on meeting you first. But you must be a good girl and do as I say. Do you understand?’
I did not understand. How could I? I did not want to meet this Mr Chaudhuri. I did not want to know the Bengali man. I did not want to do those disgusting things with the Bengali man. I am not married to him and I cannot even believe that is truly what married ladies do. Surely Amma would have told me! Or Janiki, who is to be married soon!
I only wanted to be with Janiki, but that was an impossible hope. But my name is Asha and so I still hoped. That is my name. I decided then and there that I would cling to my name. I would cling to Janiki, even though I could not see her and she was far away. I knew she was thinking of me and so I thought of her with all my might and main. And I believed too that somewhere in the invisible world where hearts and minds and souls can meet, Janiki was with me.
But I still had to meet this Bengali.