Unaware of how much time had passed, Lisa finally calmed herself, a few stray sobs catching in her throat at unexpected intervals. The pressure within was spent for the moment. Shaking her head, Lisa sat up to look in the small mirror above the sink. Seeing her eyes as red as bull’s-eyes, she self-consciously unwrapped the tiny travel soap and washed her face vigorously. If only she could wash off the day’s bitter memories! But her face was clean, at least. Lisa used the small hairbrush she always kept in her purse to fix her hair, leaving it resting softly on her shoulders. Too bad she couldn’t fix her life as easily as she could repair the mask she wore for the world.
Feeling more refreshed, Lisa decided it was time to call her children—before Robert did. She wondered what he was up to right now, and smiled at the irony as she pulled the phone charger from her purse. Robert had complained bitterly when she’d had to borrow his cell phone a few weeks ago because her battery had run down. He’d been so unpleasant about it that she had decided to keep an extra charger in her purse.
His irritation made sense to her now—he was probably afraid she would look at his contact list and see the names of women who shouldn’t have been there. Well, thank you, Robert. At least she wouldn’t be totally out of communication with the world while on the train.
Lisa wondered if Robert had already called the twins despite knowing they were working hard to successfully establish themselves academically and socially as college freshmen. If he had taken the initiative, there would be no telling what type of reception she would get from Chris. Kelly…Kelly would hear her out, no matter what.
She would call Kelly first. Lisa recognized that her daughter was actually stronger than her brother, and maybe stronger than either of her parents. They might have been born on the same day, but her two children had entirely different personalities. As a young mother, Lisa had naively assumed they’d be very much alike in all ways other than their gender and coloring—Kelly was small and dark, Chris tall and blond—but she lost that illusion before they were able to walk.
Lisa knew this would be painful for both children, especially Chris, who preferred avoiding conflict. Well, conflict there would be, so she might as well stop distracting herself from making the calls. She pressed the speed dial number for Kelly’s cell phone and crossed her fingers.
Kelly had obviously checked the caller ID; she picked up on the second ring. “Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, Kel, how are you?”
“I’m doing fine, except that I got a really strange voice mail from Dad. He said that you’d gone off the deep end or some bullshit like that.”
“Did you call him back?” Lisa felt her jaw clench and deliberately relaxed the muscles to prevent the old bad habit of grinding her teeth.
“Not yet, I wanted to talk to you first. What the fuck is happening?”
Lisa smiled. Her daughter cursed with the same tone of voice that her mother might have said, “Shall we have tea with our toast?”
“I left him,” was all Lisa could manage.
“You left? That’s it?” Kelly sighed. “Come on, Mom, I know you better than that. You don’t do crazy, thoughtless things, even when you make quick decisions. Spill.”
“Okay. Let’s just say that I finally realized that your father and I have irreconcilable differences.”
“I see. Translation, you caught Dad fucking one of his—”
“What?” Lisa sat up straighter on the chair wedged into her tiny cabin, her eyes wide as she stared at the phone. Putting it back to her ear she choked out, “You knew?”
“Mom, you know that stupid line about the wife being the last to know?”
“Yes?”
“Well, sometimes it’s true.”
“But…Why didn’t you say something?” Lisa wasn’t sure if she should feel betrayed or relieved.
“Because when I talked to Chris about it, he thought you probably knew and just accepted it, and if you didn’t know we didn’t know how to tell you. We figured you’d be so hurt, and if Dad had just stopped being an ass, you might not ever have to know. Neither of us could think of a good way to tell you.” Lisa heard Kelly take a deep breath. “Damn it! I know one of us should have said something, but there’s a lot to be said for ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’”
Kelly was sharp-tongued and idealistic, a born leader with a healthy skepticism when it came to the theory of male superiority, yet she still had room for a big, loving heart.
“Oh Kelly.” Lisa pinched the bridge of her nose. “I hate imagining how hard it must have been for you two to deal with all this. Let me assure you, I most certainly did not know what your father was doing. Why would I accept being treated in such a disrespectful way?”
“Mom, I can see now how stupid we were, but people do weird things. Since you’re bigwigs in the community, and your company is immense, Chris assumed you guys wanted to keep everything pretty more than you wanted a happy marriage. I always wondered if you were fucking around too.”
“Kelly!”
“Well, if he was, why shouldn’t you? It’s an honest thought, Mom. Isn’t that what you want to hear from me, honesty?”
“Of course.” Lisa bowed her head and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “And no, I didn’t fuck around on your father, as you so sweetly phrase it, although now I wish I had. Wait a minute, I take that back. I’m glad I didn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because when I make a promise, I keep it. I’m sorry he couldn’t do the same.” She paused to gather her thoughts. “It makes him look bad, it makes me feel foolish, and worst of all it’s an incredibly bad example for you and your brother.”
Kelly was quiet for a moment, then Lisa heard a deep sigh through the phone connection. “Okay, Mom. I see your point. So what are you going to do now?”
“Well, just for now, I’m getting away for a while.”
“Where to?”
“I’d rather not tell you. That way your father can’t pump you for information you don’t have.”
“Thanks, I think. But will you keep in touch?” Kelly suddenly sounded more like a little girl than the bold young woman she had grown into.
“Absolutely. You have this number, you can call me anytime. And when I decide what I’m going to do, I’ll let you and your brother know first.” Lisa took a deep breath, hoping to maintain her confident facade as she continued. “If I decide to leave your father for good, you’ll also be the first to know. I think divorce is really the only option I have. I just can’t trust him anymore.”
She could hear Kelly’s smile. “I’m glad you’re finally standing up for yourself, Mom. I hated watching you the past few years. As Chris and I got more independent, you seemed to be just going through the motions. I’ve been feeling so angry at Dad. He wasn’t giving you the respect you deserve, and you didn’t seem to care.”
“Oh, honey.” Lisa drew in a sharp breath, moved by her daughter’s support. “That means the world to me.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too. Now, I’m going to call your brother.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Thanks, I have a feeling I’ll need it. Bye, Kel.”
“Bye, and be strong.” When Kelly cut the connection, Lisa was able to smile for the first time since she’d walked into her bedroom that afternoon.
Since her children had been aware of Robert’s behavior over the years, at least she wouldn’t have to tell Chris his dad was a cheat and a liar. She pressed her son’s speed dial and waited.
“Mom.”
“Well, hello to you too.”
“I just spoke to Dad. Why aren’t you with him, fighting this out like couples are supposed to do?”
Well, nothing like a rebuke from Robert channeled via his son! Lisa stopped to count to ten before she responded. “Chris, how can you even ask me that? You knew about your father’s behavior, you must have realized I had no idea what was going on. You never bothered to tell me, but you must realize I feel betrayed and angry. Can’t you understand why I need some time by myself to think about what’s happened?”
“For the record, I think what Dad did stinks. But I don’t see why you two can’t stay together and just make some compromises.”
“Chris…” She hadn’t expected this. She really hadn’t. “Chris, the word compromise includes the word promise. Your father broke the promise he made when he married me. I can’t compromise with someone I don’t trust anymore. This wasn’t just a one-time mistake, it’s a pattern of betrayal. Yes, I was foolishly clueless. Or, if I had an inkling, I chose not to believe he’d be so dishonest.”
“But now you know, so why don’t you just fight it out and start fresh?”
“Because now that I know he’s willing to lie to me and cheat on me, it’s impossible to ‘start fresh.’ I’m considering that option, Chris, but I won’t lie to you. I don’t want to. I don’t see any reason why I should—I’m not even sure it’s possible, and I don’t know how you can expect it of me.”
“Yeah, well, Scott’s mother—”
“I’m not Scott’s mother. Remember when I told you I didn’t see the point of skateboarding, and you told me that unless I did it I wouldn’t understand?”
“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with this?”
Lisa smiled at his bewilderment. “Until you’ve entrusted your heart and your life to someone, made babies, raised a family…you won’t understand what it means when the person you trusted takes that all away from you. I’ve wiped out, Chris—like the time you broke your collarbone. I have to go lick my wounds and think.”
“Oh. Okay. So…Where are you?” Chris sounded calmer but still somewhat strained. Chris was much more serious and also quieter than his sister. He rarely shared his opinions or viewpoints, and shied away from watching his sister bowl over anyone who got in her way. Chris disliked conflict; Kelly thrived on it. Lisa knew this must be tearing him up inside. She hated thinking how this was impacting either child, particularly her sensitive son.
“I’m just going away for a while to think without distraction. I don’t want you to know where I am.”
“So I can’t tell Dad?”
“That’s right. I want to keep you and your sister out of the middle of something that might get rough. I just got off the phone with Kelly a couple of minutes ago.”
“Do you still love Dad?”
“That’s a good question, Chris. I suppose I do, but I’m so angry and disappointed it’s hard to feel any love right now. I hate what he’s done to me, and it wouldn’t take much for me to hate him, which is why I need time away.” She didn’t know what else to say. Apparently, neither did Chris. “I’ll keep in touch,” she said finally. “You can always call me.”
“I know. I just always thought—” Chris became silent mid-sentence.
“Happily ever after. I know, me too. But I guess we don’t always get what we expect.”
“Don’t leave him, Mom! Go back and work it out.”
“Chris, don’t get your hopes up.”
“So you’re giving up already?”
“No, I’m being honest. I hope you can understand that. How would you feel if I brought one of your friends into our home and gave him your room?”
“Mom, I’ve gotta go. I have a test to study for.”
Damn, he was crawling back into his shell. Lisa wished she could wrap her arms around her little boy and tell him everything would be okay. She wished she could do the same for herself. “Good luck. And Chris, whatever I decide to do about your father, please remember that I love you.”
“I know, gotta go.” Chris’s phone disconnected, which was exactly how Lisa felt—disconnected from everything and everyone that meant anything to her.
Needing a distraction, she glanced out the window and gazed into the darkness of night. She looked at her dinner reservation coupon and saw that she was five minutes late. Grabbing her purse, she proceeded to the dining car. It seemed quite full, but there was still space at a table where only one other person was sitting.
The dining car host walked her to the table and Lisa smiled in appreciation when her new dining companion rose until she was seated. Handsome enough to be a GQ model, he looked to be in his mid-thirties.
Clear blue eyes met hers over the condiments. “Hi, I’m Mark,” he said with a smile. “I guess we’ll be dinner partners for the evening.” His hair was light brown and wavy, and those nice square shoulders suggested a muscular build. Not bad. Not bad at all. Lisa realized with a start that she was looking at Mark not as a married woman, but as a woman on her own, appreciating a good-looking man. She even noticed he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.
“I’m—” Lisa forced a cough into her napkin. Not wanting anyone to know who she really was in case Robert was looking for her, she composed herself and responded, “I’m Lori.”
“Nice to meet you, Lori. I haven’t actually ordered yet, so we can enjoy our meals together.”
“That sounds lovely. I could use a little company.”
“Traveling alone? I know the feeling. I go on plenty of business trips. They can get pretty lonely, no friends, no family.”
“Are you with your family on this trip? I can move to another table when a seat becomes available.”
“No, no. I don’t have any family with me at all. I’m traveling on business.”
“I see.” Lisa immediately slipped her hands under the table and slid her wedding ring off her finger, fumbling to get it into her purse. She had no idea why she’d spontaneously done something so out of character, but when she gave it a second thought, she decided to leave the ring in her purse.
The meal was relaxed. After discovering they were both destined for Miami, the conversation naturally turned to the cooling autumn weather in the northeast versus the extreme heat in Florida. It was pleasant to enjoy a little small talk after the emotionally draining conversations with Kelly and Chris. Mark ordered them a bottle of merlot to enjoy with their meal. Lisa didn’t object and found herself relaxing as the level of wine in the bottle slowly dropped.
As dessert was served, Mark reached across the table and gently placed his hand over hers. Lisa’s first reaction was to pull away, but her attention was captured by his beautiful blue eyes. Imagination or not, she found comfort in Mark’s gaze. It helped to counteract the emptiness and fear brought on by the day.
Before she could stop herself words spilled out. “I’m going back to my room now. If you’d like to visit and chat, I’m in cabin B. If you’d rather not, I understand. It’s been a lovely evening, Mark, and I wish you a good night’s sleep.”
Lisa left a generous tip for the waiter, took her purse, and returned to her compartment, wondering if she had made the most embarrassing mistake of her life. She brushed her teeth, washed up in the tiny shower, and put on the T-shirt she’d bought at the station.
Getting into the narrow berth, Lisa tried unsuccessfully to block out the entire day. If only she could make the world disappear for just one night, then she could rest, but the worries would not go away. Was she a fool to think about leaving Robert after all these years? She was forty-two today and wasn’t sure if she would have any chance of finding another husband if she gave up the one she’d been living with for over twenty years. Being single and forty-two could turn out to be much lonelier than being married and somewhat unhappy.
How could she have thought that a hunk like Mark would be interested in her? Lisa knew there were men who sought out older women, but most of them were just leeches looking for a meal ticket. Her dinner date had been mere flirtation between strangers, and she was clearly too old for him. Lisa knew she was in great shape, but would that be enough?
She leaned back on the pillow and laughed. She needed a life coach and a pep talk. Well, maybe she could supply one herself. “I don’t need another person to tell me who I am and make me feel good about myself. Kelly was right; I’m worth respecting.” She lay back on her pillow and smiled. That was the way to look at this. Mark had a chance and missed it. His loss.
Just as she turned out the light in the cabin, there was a knock at her door. Peeking through the curtain draped across the tiny window, she saw a freshly showered Mark wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants.
She wasted no time unlatching the lock. “Come in.”
He looked her over appreciatively. “I’m ready to love New York, too. I’m glad you’re still up.”
“Me too,” Lisa whispered. She closed the door slowly after Mark entered. He turned to secure the lock and she said nothing, but conversation didn’t seem necessary; Mark immediately reached around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss—a toe-curling kiss the likes of which she’d never experienced. For a brief second she thought of pulling away but as Mark’s tongue pushed between her lips, all rational thought was lost. Lisa felt the heat rise in her face…and everywhere else.