The only thing that really troubles us about others, that puts us in conflict with them, is what we would have them be!
Most of us are confused about our relationships with others; on one hand we naturally long for companionship. But, as we all know, it's not that easy. The challenge is that being around others on a continual basis seems to produce as many new pains as it solves our old problem of not wanting to go through life alone! This double-edged sword—of feeling as pleased at times as we are punished by our relationships—expresses itself in a number of ways.
For example, there is a unique contentment that comes with sharing our lives, with finding someone who understands us well enough to help us better understand ourselves. However, this same longing that enables us to share the secret recesses of our heart with another often boomerangs back on us. Who hasn't been knocked flat when a privately disclosed weakness—told to one we love—is thrown back in our face? And what about when we go to a friend seeking consolation about our condition only to receive what feels like condemnation?
Along similar lines, perhaps we go to someone hoping to get her on our side of a fight with friends or family. But instead of agreeing with our side, she insists it is we who are mistaken and who must change our view. Ouch! In an instant, the ranks of our enemies swell along with our suffering. Yet again we feel betrayed. ’Round and ’round we go seeking solace, only to feel isolated because “no one understands us.”
Our real problem with others isn't that they won't or can't give to us what we want from them. As we're about to discover, the true seed of discontent lies deeper than this. The short writing you're about to read is intended to help shed light on the real source of our unrest in our relationships.
The less we learn to long for—or depend upon—
Special understanding from others,
The less we will suffer for not receiving this.
The less we suffer over what others
Seem incapable of giving to us,
The less unhappy will we find ourselves
In these unanswered moments of our lives
Spent in the company of friends and foes alike.
The less pain we have over what life appears to deny us,
The more at peace we naturally become with ourselves.
The more of this serenity we grow to know within ourselves,
The easier it becomes for us to give to others
This harmony founded in our New Understanding.
Whenever we give others this new order of Understanding
Without asking for anything in return,
Those we greet with this Gift are silently touched;
They are moved
By this willingness to put their concerns before our own.
And it is this one action that awakens in them . . .
Their sleeping need to respond in kind.
Happiness is the wholeness found in conscious kindness.
This is the secret of perfect relationships.
KEY LESSON
Why is it that we so seldom remember to help another at the cost of ourselves, and yet find it so hard to forget those who fail to remember us in our hour of need?
We have been looking at how and why our relationships with one another are often a source of distress. And, as we have seen—speaking in general terms—most of the conflict we experience with others has to do with some form of consideration that we feel they are not giving to us. We often suffer from thoughts like these: “She is not being respectful enough.” “He is not as kind as I want him to be.” “They just don't care as deeply as I do.” However, if we will be courageous enough to see the truth of the next insight—admit its finding into our heart and mind—something new and wonderful can happen within us: we can release ourselves from this dissatisfaction we feel in our relationships with others, along with the conflict it generates between us.
Many times the very thing we want from those we are with—for example, respect, patience, or a just little tenderness—is the very thing that we ourselves either lack at the moment or otherwise are somehow withholding from them.
The catch here is that we are mostly clueless about our own impoverished condition in these moments because quietly tucked away in the depths of us are certain clever “self-concealing devices.” The continuing presence of these unconscious parts of us ensures we never realize that it is we who run in debt because of how quickly they point out the inadequacies of those they judge. Each time our attention is successfully diverted in this way, here's what unfolds: Not only are we kept from coming awake to ourselves, but in this engineered spiritual sleep we are rendered unable to realize that the very quality we judge as missing in the person before us is actually lacking in ourselves!
Some needed inner light reveals the truth of our actual condition. We almost always place certain character demands upon others, but rarely see that the part of us making these demands is without the very substance it cries out as missing in them. No wonder the cycle of human disharmony rolls on as it does; this spiritual sleep is not just the breeding ground of the contempt we feel for the insensitivity of others, it is the source of it!
What's to be done? How can we transform ourselves and, at the same time, serve as agents for change in the lives of all those we meet along the Way? Let's see. Please consider the following example through whatever personal experience of your own best applies; it's intended to help make a special point that can only be driven home by your willingness to discover its subtle lesson.
When, in our love for the Divine—either through prayer, contemplation, or meditation—we give to that Light our praise or adoration—we are in fact graced by that Life in proportion to the amount of love we find in our hearts to offer It. The true Friends of God have always known this law of reciprocal Divine Love. In other words, whatever we give our love to gives us that love back according to the extent of our giving. The true pleasure of anything we practice for our love of it—gardening, golf, cooking, music, or whatever—is the love we have for that same action.
Now, with this idea in mind, let's apply it to our need to open our hearts and stop judging others for what we see as missing in them. Here is the great principle that makes possible true harmony between all human beings: Giving to others what we ask from them is how we receive what we wish.
This spiritual principle deserves our consideration, so let's take a close look at it through the eyes of our everyday experience with others. How many of us feel that the “others” in our life—particularly those people we are around every day, whether at home or at work—just don't treat us as we deserve? Again, perhaps not all of the time, most of us feel slighted in our relationships. But how many of us can honestly say that we offer to our friends and fellows what we want from them?
Generally we extend olive branches and our considerate sympathies to those who we think can serve us, and rarely do we serve those who we are convinced have nothing we want. And yet we still want their respect, kindness, or consideration. With this in mind, let's return to the guiding principle for this section: We must learn to give to others what we hope to get from them. Here now are a few simple suggestions for how we can get started with enacting our new understanding.
We must learn to take the true conscious initiative with each other and then—based in our understanding of this great spiritual law that governs harmonious relationships—make the effort to be to others what we wish them to be for us. Here is a special exercise that can help us create more harmonious human relationships.
We all know what it's like to find ourselves unhappy and in conflict with someone who just isn't giving us what we want or need from him or her. Whenever this happens, we usually find fault with these people, judge them as being inadequate, and from these findings blame them for the negativity we now feel toward them. But how many of us are awake enough to offer these same people what we have asked them to give us—before we ask them for it?
Even to attempt the following practice will reveal more to you about yourself than reading a thousand books on spiritual realization. To begin with, as we discussed earlier, we usually demand from others those interior qualities that we are in short supply of ourselves. For instance, it is impatience that leaps to judge impatience. Unkindness finds others unkind—and tells them so in no uncertain terms. Arrogance despises pride and makes sure that the proud know they are dreaming of unreal heights. On and on churns this cycle of disharmony until we go to work on ourselves, implementing the kind of true self-transforming principles that follow.
Whatever it may be that we find wanting in someone else, we must learn what it means to give that very thing to him or her. What we would have from others, or have them be toward us, we must provide or be ourselves.
For instance, if we really want the person we are with to be open with us, we must first open up ourselves. When we know we tend to be critical of others because they don't show us the respect we would have, we must show these same people the respect we want.
Now, add to these thoughts this last idea: Sometimes we want from others what they just don't have within themselves to give. We make demands, for instance, that someone understand us when—at this stage in his or her development—there's no way on Earth that could happen. But wanting what we want when we want it leaves no room in us for compassionate understanding. We show our weariness with such “weakness” in others through impatience or other condescending acts. This behavior on our part only convinces the person in question of his own shortcomings. What can we do instead?
Give to him or to her what we have of ourselves instead of taking away what little these individuals have in themselves. To give the fruit of such a conscious interior labor is to receive the goodness we ask for.
This exercise to help awaken our sleeping conscience takes a great deal of attention and, more importantly, a great deal of being weary with finding everyone around us not as good as ourselves. Nevertheless, real spiritual growth—true self-transformation—depends upon what we are willing to give, and not upon what we feel we are owed.
Put these higher ideas to work in all your affairs with others. You will be shocked, amazed, and highly encouraged by your discoveries, but, most important of all, here's what you'll find: instead of being the exception to the rule, harmonious relationships with others will be your daily reality. Everything is better and brighter everywhere in the world around you because of the new Light of self-understanding now living within you.
KEY LESSON
We can spend our time struggling, in vain, to make others into what we want them to be, or we can see the inherent flaw in thinking this way and—rather than trying to change others to suit our needs—see through the false idea that someone else can make us whole.
Real self-independence is the fruit of an awakened inner life. And just as fruit on a tree must develop into fullness following a certain order of natural events, so too is there a natural order to interior discovery that leads up to winning your own life and living it as you please.
Every step along the way to this higher independent life is both the challenge and the reward. The challenge is always in how dark and uncertain the next step appears to be; and the reward, after you take the step, is the sweet and relief-filled discovery that who you really are cannot fall! In this way, step by step, you can realize the natural independence of your own True Self.
However, as with any climb to a loftier view, there are always those spots that are more difficult than others to negotiate. The more light we can shed on these psychological outcrops that obscure our vision, the smoother our upward journey will be. Remember, Truth will never lead you to an impasse. If it ever seems that way, it is only because you are needlessly trying to take something along with you that can't be part of the higher life that awaits you just ahead. So let go. You will rise to the next step effortlessly.
One of the major obstacles in the climb to self-independence, the point at which many students falter and so fail to take the next important step upward, is in their reluctance to see that the human condition is far worse off than imagined. You must be different. As you are about to see, only your unwavering insight into the low life-level of society—including its political and religious leaders—can bring into play the new energies you need to transform yourself into a truly independent person. This higher kind of independence is the only ground from which can grow the kindness and strength one needs in order to have authentically healthy relationships with others. So you must never hesitate to see through people, nor should you ever feel guilty for what your awakening perception reveals to you about them. This guilty feeling, as if you've done something bad by seeing badness in others, is a trick of the false self. It needs to keep you believing in others so that later on you can feel stressed and betrayed when they fail to live up to your expectations.
In his stunning little book 50 Ways to See Through People, Vernon Howard explains exactly why we must never feel bad about seeing badness.
Some students of human nature are reluctant about exposing falseness and weakness in others. They think they should not see so much badness. The opposite is right. You should and must know all about hurtful human behavior, for only exposure of the wrong can invite the right. The real peril is to not see things as they are, for delusion is dangerous to the deluded. Believing that a shark is a dolphin is both foolish and unnecessary. When a wise man sees a shark he knows it is a shark. Since when is it wrong to see right?
So it is both wise and profitable to collect facts about the weakness of human nature. Indeed, if our search for true independence is to have a happy ending, we must learn not only to welcome these temporarily shocking insights, but we must gather ourselves up and ask to see more. The Truth will oblige.
Here are three friendly facts to help us let go and grow more spiritually independent.
These facts are not negative. What is negative is to hide from ourselves that we have not only been betrayed by others, but that we have ourselves played the same regretful role at some point in our lives. The evidence is overwhelming.
Depending on others for a sense of psychological well-being is an accident waiting to happen. In any relationship where we depend on our partner to be our “parachute,” and the other accepts this role, both will fall to the ground. You do not have to live with this kind of fear for one more moment.
Give yourself permission to see the whole truth about human nature and its affairs; in turn, the Truth will show you something about yourself that will lift you high above any of your present painful concerns. So don't be afraid to come to the disturbing but wonderful understanding that there is no one for you to count on—because there isn't—at least not where you have been looking. This gradual realization of your true and present position in life is actually a step up that only feels, temporarily, like a step down. And the only reason it feels like this is that, unknown to yourself, you have been living with the self-limiting belief that one day someone will give you what you haven't been able to give to yourself: true independence. Well, the wait is over, and so is the fear.
There is a secret and miraculous part of yourself that only reveals itself when you are willing to stand in the light of the truth about yourself and others. Welcome this light and you will discover that a wise and uncompromised inner strength is patiently waiting for you to fulfill the laws that govern its entrance into your life.
Adapted in part from The Secret of Letting Go
KEY LESSON
To know the real pleasure of a relationship with any other person requires no thought on our part. On the other hand, thoughtlessness wrecks any relationship into which it rears its ugly head.
Deep spiritual work reveals the truth that hellish things on Earth manifest as they do because their dark cause dwells hidden somewhere in us. We are about to look into this interior abyss and shine into its unseen corners a beautiful Light of understanding. We will illuminate the center of the unconscious “earth” within us where dark forces are always celebrating some victory over unsuspecting human beings.
Imagine the chief devil calling together every possible evil entity that is in range of his magnetic voice and saying, “How can we interfere up there in the world that dwells between ours and the Light we despise? What can we do to further deceive human beings? We must keep them living in the dark, unaware of the Light that wants to release them from our influence. I want something so evil, so sinister, that no one will know what happened. Who's got a good idea?”
That instant the flames of all the little imps gathered there in the smoldering dark go dim; they're afraid of their leader, who will fry them for failing. A day later, as planned, they all return with a few ideas, although nothing spectacular. Then, out of nowhere, one tiny imp hops on the shoulder of the chief devil and whispers something in his ear. A second later, and—kaboom!—flames shoot out of every pore of the chief devil as he shouts, “Ah! I have the plan in hand!”
He looks around at all of his lieutenants, each of whom is assigned to certain individuals on Earth, and gleefully instructs them: “I want you to go up there and slowly spread among the sleeping masses the idea of ‘tolerance.’ Do whatever it takes to succeed. Convince them that this idea is their own, and that they should start teaching that learning to tolerate each other is the same as loving one another. Oh yes! This is my best deception yet! It's a real killer!”
We have had sown into our minds a certain social contrivance, a convenient mechanical reaction called “tolerating” those people who do not meet our approval. We tolerate those who don't please us or who rub us the wrong way. And we believe that our ability to tolerate another individual is the same as learning to live in harmony with him or her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It is through just such a deception that human beings have almost lost the possibility of being able to see how true love is being choked out of us and off this planet. As surely as there are objects that choke the throat, there are false beliefs and the actions they enable that choke the soul. Now let's examine what's behind this false idea of tolerating others, and learn what it will take to remove this unnatural obstruction.
We must begin by recognizing the following truth: All forms of tolerance have their root in one form or another of resistance, a fact that should make the next truth obvious to us: We cannot resist something, be negative toward it, and be in a loving relationship with it at the same time.
Here's what this means practically speaking: when we unconsciously think to ourselves, “I will tolerate this person; I will put up with his dark manifestation, but only because I don't want anyone to see just how negative he makes me”—then what has happened to us? We come to think of ourselves as being “loving” because we repress our wish to lash out at whoever disturbs us.
Government and social institutions heavily promote this idea of tolerance to maintain the illusion of a progressive, evolving society; but to love one another has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with harboring resistance while calling it acceptance. Resistance isolates, separates, and chokes. Love embraces, welcomes, and breathes freely. But there is more yet to see here, if we will.
The whole notion of this order of tolerance is rooted in the idea of superiority, as only a superior person tolerates an inferior human being. When we are with someone, and we must “tolerate” him or her, we are in a state of secret self-love that keeps itself in place by having that which it quietly denigrates. But this unconscious state of self is only half the limitation.
Unconscious self-superiority keeps itself in place through a process of resisting what it imagines it isn't like, but by the fact of the negative reaction proves its unseen likeness. Shakespeare said, “Methinks thou dost protest too much,” because he was pointing out that what we most strongly deny in another is what we unconsciously recognize in ourselves.
The first step in harmonious relationships is simple: We need only realize the spiritual truth that we cannot meet someone whom we are not like in some way, even if we don't actively express what we don't like seeing in him or her. The deception is that we're sure we're unlike everyone except for those who match the images we have of ourselves. And so it goes that we live from—see our lives through the eyes of a certain false sense of “I” that always resists anyone seen as being “not like I am.” But love cannot grow where resistance rules.
We have not been given this precious life in order to go through it resisting everything that doesn't suit us; rather we are created to grow through whatever we meet along the way. Resistance devitalizes the possibility of our spiritual development, rendering useless the conditions in our lives that we are given in order to rise above them. When we resist what others show us about ourselves, we close the door on the possibility of transcending the undiscovered parts of us that are troubled by them. Freedom is not found by avoiding what disturbs us, but by illuminating—realizing and releasing—whatever may dwell in the dark of us that can be disturbed.
The human being is created to develop in the “likeness” of that marvelous Intelligence that made us. This Divine Intelligence didn't create anything that it fears or hates. It's a ridiculous thought to walk around and believe (as we all do because of the strong sense of self that it produces) that another person is our enemy simply because we feel enmity for him or her.
Now, just so we're clear on this, there are plenty of unpleasant people. Our world is packed with them! But, given the negative effect of resenting others, and the fact that (for now) all we know to do about those who disturb us is to resist them, could it be that when it comes to our human relationships we have been blinded to one of the main reasons for them? The answer is “Yes.”
Just as the wind moves through a tree and carries its pollen to the blossoms of another tree, our relationships are intended to help “pollinate” the soul so that true understanding of why we are here on Earth can flower within it. We grow through our relationships with life, which means that through them we are shown possibilities about ourselves we never knew existed. To exclude any of these discoveries is to deny ourselves the truth of ourselves, something the Truth within us would never do. This understanding makes something else abundantly clear:
This idea of tolerating human beings can't possibly be the seed of something celestial. This part of us that has become a master of tolerating those whom we can't stand has come to be as strong and prevalent as it is because of how superior it makes us feel when we are around them. This unconscious self-righteousness is not an act of love but a form of hatred; it is a weakness.
Now, here's a special spiritual exercise designed to develop harmonious human relationships. Just as we can be taught the Heimlich maneuver—a swift action that can be taken to dislodge what is choking the body—we can learn a spiritual maneuver that we may call upon every day, as often as it is necessary, to help us dislodge something that is presently choking our soul. The point of this exercise and the new understanding it reveals is to help us get past the unconscious thinking that we can do something against ourselves and expect a positive outcome.
This exercise is called the “You-I Maneuver.” You can work with it every moment of the day, whether you're with people or you're sitting alone and thinking about someone. To employ this maneuver effectively, you will need to be as sensitive in your interactions with other people as a spider web is to the slightest breeze; your True Nature is just that responsive. Much as a crystal-clear lake reflects the overhead sky, any state of energy we encounter resonates with its counterpart within us. In that same instant, if we are willing, we may share in that consciousness.
And there is no limit to this gift except for what we unknowingly throw away through acts of unconscious resistance to what we are being shown.
When we're around other people, and have a negative reaction toward them, we don't realize that some form of resistance already rules the moment. Feeling the need to tolerate someone couldn't appear within us unless something in us did not want to be around someone “like that.” As the intensity of this unconscious resistance rises, it takes the shape of a further negative reaction toward that “offending” person. Key to this exercise is to understand that this reaction always begins with the pejorative word you—as in “You are this,” or “You are that.” There is an instant sense of separation between one's Self and the person one is with. Further strengthening this false sense of “I” are waves of negative thoughts that ensure our “finding.” Now it is certain: we know who is at fault for the conflict we feel. But now we are beginning to know better than to blame another for the negative states revealed in us.
So in this same moment, when we look at that person and sense in us the formation of this derogatory “you” starting to take shape, we are going to add the word “I” to that same “you.” Now we're going to hold in our mind and heart the idea of “You-I.” For instance, suppose we're resisting someone because he or she is always in a rush. Instead of just going along with being ruled by the usual negative reaction, we choose another road. We realize our psychic similarity instead of separating ourselves by it. This new understanding is expressed something like this: “You . . . I have seen the exact same character in me.” For instance if an angry person comes to us, instead of tolerating his or her negative state, we work with this new maneuver through this silent realization: “You . . . I have seen the exact same anger in me.”
This inner exercise is good for any negative reaction we may have toward the unwanted manifestations of others. It disarms the lie of the “superior” self by effectively canceling its corrupting power to produce the illusion that we are different from the people we tolerate. And in the collapse of that opposite, love and compassion are born: “I can no longer treat you as someone to be tolerated; I realize the fact that you and I really are neighbors because we share a common burden: the need to discover the truth of ourselves through one another.”
Here is a summary of the exercise called the “You-I Maneuver.” We need a new intention in all of our relationships, something like this: “I will not suffer you; instead I will work to be increasingly conscious of us, suffering what I must for the sake of both of us. I will not cast you out as being something inferior to myself; I will not do that because I can't recognize in you anything as being an inferior condition in you unless I have it in myself.”
Our work, if we're willing, is to catch that surging separation called “You are different from me.” And then, in that same moment, to apply our new understanding that cancels this unconscious act of resistance. Instead, we embrace the realization that “you” and “I” are both exposed in this God-given moment that God meant for the purpose of transcending ourselves.
Remember that “tolerance” is a lie because it produces a “me” that is always apart from what I am tolerating. There cannot be love where there is separation.
Work at the “You-I Maneuver.” Learn to watch this low-level self that is trying to destroy the possibility of love awakening within you. Risk leaving yourself open by refusing to identify with the parts of yourself that would have you believe that resisting life can lead to being embraced by it. Do the inner work it takes to make this exercise personally meaningful, and you will understand the greatest secret on Earth: everyone on it has a gift just for you—if only you will take it.
KEY LESSON
The true depth and breadth of the heart is measured not only by what it can hold, but also by how willing it is to let go.
If only we would cease giving others
Reasons to resist our presence,
Bear ourselves
With what we burden them,
Leaving no reason for blame . . .
Then . . . that great silent rage
Hidden in the human heart
Would have to be seen for what it is:
Violence looking for a war.
Such a discovery would awaken
Within the discerning soul
The immediate, most intimate need
To be the embodiment of peace.
This new need—born of seeing
Is the seed of true revolution.
All relationships suffer when stagnation sets in; whether in a pond or in our personal dealings with others, everything must be continually refreshed in order to realize its true potential. For us this means each reappearance of some old resentment, fear, or regret chokes the life out of our chance to love one another, which is our spiritual responsibility. What's so hard for us to understand is that the real reason these old painful patterns go on as they do isn't because other people don't change. The truth tells a very different story if we will dare to listen.
Here's why we continue to run through unwanted patterns in our relationships with others: our continual attempts to resolve the pain within us—by holding others accountable for it—has utterly failed.
Any new course of action we arrive at by considering what's wrong with someone else transforms nothing other than the way we will again have to suffer that relationship. Trying to resolve our problems this way is like looking out at a field we have planted on our own property and wishing, every day, something other than what grows there would take hold and flower. If we wish to have true harmonious relationships with others, then it is we who must change. We must assume responsibility for what our relationships reveal to us about us, and then do the interior work it takes to plant the seeds of a new Self.
Since before records were made of their teachings, the wise ones have all taught this same great lesson: We reap what we sow. In these so-called progressive times, this all but forgotten principle is as simple as it is prophetic. What we are inwardly is what we get. Our experience of life, moment to moment, is a reflection of our character that those same moments reveal. Share this simple fact with someone who hates his life, and he will despise you for the truth you tell him about why he feels as he does!
Everywhere we look, people are concerned with essentially one thing: getting what they want, when they want it, and as fast as possible. The fires that fuel their appetite for this envisioned success create so much smoke that they lose sight of the fact that all they reap for their insistent sowing are the cold ashes of regret raked out of broken relationships.
If we are ever to realize the integrity and consistent kindness of our True Self, if we long to know something of heaven while we live on Earth, then we must sow the seeds that bring that higher life into fruition. One cannot expect to reap what one does not sow; and merely hoping for a higher life is not sowing true spiritual seeds, any more than climbing an imagined mountain is the same as reaching its top.
To sow spiritual seeds means that we do spiritual work. Spiritual work is always interior work first, even if, as a matter of course, this work becomes manifest through exterior action. What is this interior work by which we sow the seeds of the celestial within us? The following four ways to sow the seeds of a higher relationship with life are taken from my book, Let Go and Live in the Now.
It is not enough to just sow seeds in this physical life, that is, to struggle for or make millions, invent the greatest gizmo ever, or become the “who's who” of some social registry; for regardless of how sublime these intentions first seem, and even if their seeds should grow and flourish, they can only grow into forms that pass and fall in time.
If our wish is for a life that is whole and loving, one that is filled with new light, then we must sow these eternal seeds within ourselves;that is our work. Make your own list of ways to work at sowing the seeds of the higher life. Set yourself to the task of being an inwardly awake person and watch how you begin to reap the awareness that makes all things possible.
Adapted in part from Let Go and Live in the Now