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After our first date, I was basically over it! Yeah, Josephine fucked the shit outta old boy on her webcam, but I didn’t want to be fucked like that all the time! Sometimes is cool, but what about the other twenty-three hours in the day? I never even considered how life would be with a woman, so starting now seemed like fiction that could only exist in my mind. Yet, when she called me the next night, I was actually happy to hear from her!
I answered the phone and said, in an overly eager tone, “Hey, Josephine! How are you?”
She sighed playfully. “I’m great, Steven. Thank you for asking. I’m just leaving my girl Dom’s house. She wanted to make sure a bitch wasn’t suicidal or some shit after last night. She the reason I’m calling you now; she thinks we need to talk some more.”
For some reason, I asked, “Suicidal? Did you try to kill yourself before?
Josephine gasped in shock. “No, it was a figure of speech, Steven! Do you really think I’m suicidal?”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just started saying whatever came to my mind. “I hear that sex trade workers sometimes have deep emotional and psychological issues. I would hate to assume anything, but I also wouldn’t want to be so polite that I neglect to ask you in clear English ‘are you okay?’ It’s what I do!”
Josephine paused for a moment. “I guess I do have deep emotional issues. I have to be honest and admit that much, but I assure you, I love God and life too much to ever do something suicidal; that would be too drastic.”
I laughed and jokingly said, “I mean, we did meet on Christian Mingle, so you know we put God first.”
Josephine laughed for a good minute, and it made me laugh even more. Her charm and charisma could radiate through lead walls, and apparently, even cell phone connections.
She composed herself. “God gonna get you! Naw, Dom invited me over because when I got home last night, I called her and cried about my perfect date with a gay man! I have to be honest, I’ve never been so frustrated in my life, Steven.”
I joked, “Damn, tell me how you really feel about me!”
Josephine laughed again. “You were handsome, charming, engaging; everything I want in a man, but you smelled like a man who knows what he wants.”
I couldn’t believe that she was thinking the same thing I was thinking, and I knew then that I had to switch to a more manly cologne the next time we hung out.
She was saying everything I really wanted to hear, but I had to go deeper, so to speak, so I asked, “You seem like a successful, smart, and beautiful woman, Josephine, who can dress her ass off by the way! How could you ever consider me, a gay man, a suitable mate?”
Josephine considered the question. “I guess I want someone who makes me laugh and frees my inhibitions! I want someone who would try something new just because I asked or who would be considerate enough to pat my back when I cough, or to say ‘God bless you’ when I sneeze. I want a man who wants to spend time with me only, and that’s what you gave me last night. I was the only woman in that hookah bar as far as you were concerned, and that’s what I want, Steven. Adoration! But not just to receive, I want to adore someone too, just not anyone, but someone who is worthy of being adored! You understand what I’m saying?”
I was hearing my thoughts come through the phone and into my ears, but when my brain processed them, it was everything I wanted but could not articulate up until that moment. And the reason I was so caught up on a straight woman was because she was with me and only me even though she knew everyone in that hookah bar. Even I saw that every straight man in there the night before couldn’t keep his eyes off of her, especially after they found out I was gay!
Josephine interrupted my speechless mental recollection and asked, “Are you still there?”
I cleared my throat because there was that lump you get right before you start crying. I wasn’t sad, or angry, I was just full of emotion because, for the first time in my life, someone wanted me for more than money, sex, or material things. “Yeah, I’m here. I’m just over here wondering why two people who obviously like one another and can potentially even stand being romantically attached in some way, are so reluctant to even give it a try.”
Josephine quipped, “Because no bitch wants to be outdone by no gay man. If we were to date and you were to relapse on some dick, I would have to kill you!”
I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe! Her feistiness was definitely enchanting to me, but she wasn’t laughing. She continued as if she never considered her response until that moment, so every word was deliberate, calculated, and real. “Straight men play games like that with women. They profess their love and their hearts only to end up in bed with the first bitch who shows them a different option. The bitch could be ugly as hell, and half the woman he has at home, but he still goes for the extra option!
“With a gay man, it has to be worse! If you can learn to walk again, you can learn how to fuck something different. I know I can have any man at least once. I mean, look at me, but if you ever learned to love fucking me, and then all women, you gonna be fucking every Tom, Dick, and Sally just like every other man would! It’s in your nature! The problem is, I’d just leave a straight man who cheated on me, but a gay man who I trusted enough to build something real with. Bitch, I would chop that dick off with a butter knife. Just like a sausage link at breakfast; give me that shit, bitch!”
I cringed at the thought. “No, not a dull-ass butter knife.”
Josephine didn’t laugh, she simply said, “Then I would eat that shit. Ingest it. Make it so that after I shit it out ain’t no way the doctors could ever reattach it! Yeah, I’d be a cannibal if my gay man ever left me for a man.”
Now she laughed that whole-hearted laugh again, as if to say, “I’m just joking,” but I knew she was telling me how I would end up if I was as heartless and careless with her feelings as heterosexual men have been in her past. You would think that would have scared me straight, or gay, or whatever; but it didn’t.
It was the first relationship-building communication of our relationship, and I wanted to make contact with the species of Josephine. My next words had to be a sign of intelligent life, a willingness to co-exist mutually, and relay my most heartfelt conviction that I was definitely on her same page.
“The thing is, I am a gay man because I enjoy having sex with men. But that doesn’t mean that a woman disgusts me. It’s just easier with a man, that’s all. In my thirty-eight years, aside from a blowjob from a crackhead name Suzie Suck-Ems, which disgusted me, I never even tried to date a woman. Now that I’m old in gay years, and over all of the random sex and superficial shit, I don’t really date men anymore anyway.”
Josephine yelled, “Bullshit! You a man; every man need to bust a nut at some point! Women are different, it’s been over ten years for me.”
I replied, “I bust several nuts per week, thank you very much; but most weeks I take care of myself. I don’t know if I could last ten whole years on my own, but I can go at least a year, I think. I also have two guys on retainer, so whenever I need bodily contact I can always schedule a date night with one of them, but I haven’t dealt with either of them since I worked in corporate, which has been over three months now. No bullshit. I’m not gay enough for gays and not masculine enough for gays, and the same goes for women, at least I thought. Then I met you, someone who doesn’t consider me less than them.”
Josephine joked, “Well, I am prettier than you, so it shouldn’t be that much of an effort for you to be with me.”
I quipped, “Lies! You know I’m pretty, woman! But seriously, I can’t promise anything, Josephine, but if we were to give dating a try, it’s not like you will compete with a gay man. I would focus on you because I have no one else who is worth the effort. I really think you’re worth the effort, Josephine.”
Josephine laughed that hearty laugh. “So, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
I had to say something else? What was I saying? I want to be around you? I want to get to know you better? I want you to hang out in my condo; chill? All I knew for certain was the only thing I didn’t want to do with her was have sex.
I had to speak, so I said, “All I’m saying is that you seem like someone I want to spend time with. So, if the only rule is that I can’t spend time with anyone else, gay or straight, then I say so be it! It beats sitting at home all night alone hoping to find someone serious on a sex app or online dating site. This shit seems crazy as all hell, but if the first date was any indication of what’s to come, then I’m willing to at least try to see what happens.”
Josephine took a moment and said, “Well, I dated gay women before, and I dated straight men before, but you will be my first admittedly gay boyfriend! Umm, that shit don’t sound right, girl! Can’t we just say that I converted you or some shit? Like I’m a witch, and I be brewing up potions in my pussy and shit?”
I was low-key offended but played it off with a laugh. Here goes the end. I hate heterosexuals because they swear that being gay is a curse, or a sin; something that can be exercised or prayed away.
While she laughed in a way that assured me she wasn’t serious, I said, just to be clear, “No! If you want me, you got to claim me, gay and all! However, you can say what it is, which is as long as I’m with you, I can only have dick as you provide it, then reference your webcam video. Everyone will understand why I chose you. You did your thing on that video, Josephine!”
There was that laugh again! She was a fool, but I loved it! I loved her. I loved obsessing over her for the past couple of days, thinking I was a fool to ever think that Josephine Lassel would ever seriously consider being committed to me, gay-ass Steven Josephs, only to find that she was not only down but obsessing over me too! That was everything to me in that moment! I just liked everything about my new Christian Mingle girlfriend!
By the time we ended the call, I was giddy, and my imagination ran wild. I stayed up that whole night imagining what we would be like as a couple, and although I didn’t know much about her, all of my wildest dreams revolved around her; no dicks involved.
However, much like running water around a man who has to pee, when I observed that my daydreams weren’t about gay dicks, I thought about gay dicks, and my gay dick, whom I have affectionately named Lil Stevie, proved to still be 100 percent gay.
I sighed in frustration and prayed to God, “Please don’t force Josephine to chop off my dick with a butter knife and eat it, Lord.”