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A-Dog showed up at my house one Saturday afternoon to check-in. For six months, he’d given me my space, because he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship he’d built. His advice was, “Just keep the sexy old bitch in the crib, and the old gay bitch in the closet, and y'all two bitches gonna clickity-clack, bro!”
He was right, but I couldn’t face him after the rape incident because I knew what he was gonna say already; at least I thought I knew.
When I opened the door, A-Dog walked in as if he expected to see Josephine. This would be the first time they officially met, so he brought her flowers and a box of chocolates.
When he walked in and didn’t see Josephine, he looked at me. I guess I looked miserable again, because as soon as he looked into my eyes, he yelled, “Niggah, what the fuck did you do?”
I was offended but still not ready to tell him what happened.
Before I could think of what to say, he continued, “I set you up for the most perfect pussy lay-up, niggah! Why the fuck is the old gay bitch out the closet, niggah? Why?”
I snapped, “Niggah, what the fuck are you talking about?”
A-Dog looked around my empty condo and said sarcastically, “Niggah, the last time we spoke there was a sexy old bitch in your life and now she gone. You had to do some gay shit to scare her away! What you do, try on her panties or some shit? Bitches don’t like sharing panties, niggah; it’s a thing.”
I yelled, “I didn’t do any gay shit, Anthony; I love her!”
A-Dog paused for a second, not expecting me to say the L-word. “Then where the fuck is she, bro?”
Someone knocked on the door. I never had many visitors, so I figured it was one of my neighbors coming to ask us to keep the noise down. I opened the door and there was this short bulldagger standing there mean-mugging me. She looked like a man and stood like a man, but I knew she was a woman; she just had a womanly look in her eyes that she hid with a menacing stare.
I asked, “Can I help you?”
She said, with the bravado and machismo of a friendly man, “You Steven?”
“Yeah, who are you?”
She smiled a friendly smile. “I’m Josephine’s homie, Dom. Can we talk?”
A-Dog comes running to the door. “Hell, yeah, Niggah Lady! I’m trying to figure out what the hell happened to Josephine; I’m A-Dog!”
As if I wasn’t standing there, the two embraced like homies do, with a handshake and a masculine embrace, then Dom said, “Hell, yeah, yo! Josephine told me about you; hacking Christian Mingle accounts and shit! I wanted to ask if you could lend me your services; I mean, I can pay you if you looking for work. Are you looking for work?”
A-Dog said, “I doubt you can afford my rate, unc!”
Dom pulled out a drug dealer bankroll from her pocket. “I never met a rate I couldn’t afford, nephew!”
I snapped, “Why are you here, yo?”
Dom looked at me with fire in her eyes, in a way to say, ‘don’t get fucked up’ as she put her money back in her pocket.
A-Dog laughed, which broke the tension. “Come on in, Dom, let’s talk numbers for a minute. Here, you want some chocolates?”
A-Dog then handed Dom the box of candy he had brought for Josephine. Dom didn’t hesitate to crack it open and start eating. A-Dog led Dom into my living room, where the two sat on the sofa. By the time I locked the front door and joined them, they were eating candy and talking amongst themselves as if they were old friends and I was the third wheel.
I asked again, “Dom, no disrespect, but a friend of Josephine’s shows up at my door three weeks after we break up...”
A-Dog said, surprised, “Niggah, she left three weeks ago?”
Dom said, between chews of chocolate, “Yep, he got the bitch locked up in her studio apartment like she on house arrest, son! Dirty pussy and all!
A-Dog was shocked, then he looked at me knowingly. “Yeah, niggah, she caught you wearing her panties!”
Dom and A-Dog laughed. I could see little particles of chocolate and nugget fly from Dom’s thin, cracked, pussy-licking lips, as she waved her arms and elevated her legs in a manly, yet overdramatic laughing spell.
I waited a few seconds for her to get it out of her system, then said, “Please don’t encourage him, Dom. For the last time, why are you here?”
Dom used her pointer finger to dig candy out of her teeth, then ate it without hesitating, and said, between smacks, “Yeah... about that! Umm, you turned my bitch out, right! I mean, you fucked the shit outta her, and you didn’t even have to try. It was like you just knew how to bust her ass in your sleep, so now she thinks you’re the one! Real talk!”
A-Dog screamed, “Yeah, baby! That’s my niggah!”
A-Dog stood up and started humping the air. “Steven bust Josephine’s ass! He was like... umm.... umm... umm! Yeah, bitch, take this dick! Take all this gay-ass dick, bitch!”
Dom laughed and said, between chews, “Well, actually, she rode the dick while our boy Stevie here slept, son. Let her tell it, the niggah packing too; like third-leg packing, son. Like, if they wasn't fucking, I'd pay the niggah to make a mold of his dick and sell it on my website, son, and I only make monster dicks; it's in our slogan. I'm mad you mad, Stevie; you did good for a faggot-ass bitch, son! Real talk! It's real men out here who couldn't do what you did. Respect, yo!”
A-Dog said, “Why the hell you think I keep trying to set him up with bitches? Every bitch need a big dick in her life.”
Dom nodded. “Facts!”
I snapped, “A-Dog, shut the fuck up!”
Dom was laughing hysterically, egging A-Dog on. “He wore that pussy out, A-Dog! I mean, my bitch can’t even walk right no more! I think the bitch got scoliosis now, niggah.”
A-Dog said, in an overdramatic air of shock, “Noo! Don’t tell me he cracked her back and her spine in his sleep, Dom!”
Dom said, “Hell, yeah, just like a chiropractor. Crack!”
A-Dog looked at Dom then looked at me with a tear in his eyes. “I dreamed of this day for so long, man, and what I would say. Now the day has come and just like that, I don’t know what to say! Words escape me, brother...”
I snapped, “A-Dog, I’m about to kick you the fuck out, niggah! You starting to really piss me off. This shit ain’t funny, yo!”
Dom said, knowingly, “Stevie boy, you gotta stop taking shit so seriously, my niggah! Like right now. I get why you mad at your homie, but this niggah went out and found you the baddest bitch I ever met in my life, and all I date is bad bitches, mang! A-Dog laughing because to him this is a proud moment, but to you, you feel violated and shit; it’s a difference of perspective! But at the end of the day, your boy did some shit for you that made you happy as fuck for six months, right?”
I knew she was right, but I rolled my eyes defiantly anyway.
Dom said, playfully, “Say thank you, niggah!”
She was right. As far as A-Dog goes to force his will on me, he actually helped me when he found me Josephine. For six months, nothing mattered but being happy and sharing time and space with someone who made me want to not only share what I had but give her all the things she wanted and needed.
I said, “He knows I appreciate him already.”
A-Dog was still choked-up. “I know, but it’s still nice to hear it sometimes.”
A-Dog wiped his eyes, folded his arms, as if he was an upset wife, and asked, “I mean, when was the last time you said you appreciated me, Steven?”
Dom looked at both of us with judgment in her eyes. “And they call us bitches.”
A-Dog started to man up but I laughed; I thought Dom was funny. For a moment, I forgot why I was upset, then Dom reminded me.
“Anyway, what matters is that I never seen Josephine happier than when she was with you, and I knew her for twenty-three years now, Stevie! She loves you, mang! So what, she raped you, but what’s a little rape between two people who love one another? What matters is...”
A-Dog lost his shit! He starts exaggerating his words and movements. Next thing I know, he was running around the living room in circles, bumping into the wall and everything else in his path. “Hold up, Dom! Not only did my bro bust your girl’s ass, but since he killed the pussy in his sleep then technically it wasn’t a pussy murder but rather a pussy suicide?”
Dom laughed again, stood up, leaving the box of candy on the sofa. “Niggah, she got ya boy drunk, he got Yak Dick, fell asleep, and yes, she killed her own pussy while she rode the niggah on this very couch!”
Both Dom and A-Dog looked down at the sofa as if it was a treasure chest full of diamonds.
A-Dog pointed at the sofa and asked in wonder, “Do you think that’s the spot it happened?”
Dom, as if explaining a crime scene while taking a closer look at my sofa, said, “Since she was in charge of the whole thing, I guess Steven was probably closer to the middle of the sofa, that way she could ride him good, ya feel me? She said she rode that niggah like he was at the Kentucky Derby up in this bitch, so I bet it happened in the middle of the sofa.”
A-Dog and Dom started hopping around the living room acting like horses. I laughed, but I was embarrassed at the same time! Josephine had told Dom everything! I was mortified once the humor of the situation ended. A-Dog and Dom could see that I had stopped laughing.
A-Dog said, “So, y’all broke up because she took the dick and you liked it?”
I asked, “How can I like something I don’t remember?”
A-Dog asked, “Easy, did you nut?”
Dom sat down to finish her chocolates. “Ohh, yeah, he nutted all right! My bitch might be pregnant now!”
A-Dog quipped, “Well, there is your answer. Niggas only nut when they like it. Remember Susie Suck-Ems, niggah?”
Dom laughed. “I never had my pussy ate by a bitch with no teeth before. That shit probably feel good as hell!”
“Hold up, Josephine told you about Susie Suck-Ems too?” I asked.
Dom, feeling like she violated the girl code, said defensively, “Niggah, bitches talk about everything! Just because I’m a niggah don’t mean I ain’t a bitch deep down in my heart. I mean, I got emotions and shit too, niggah. I’m just a girl, who just a man, who want a bed full of girls to call my own! She supposed to tell me shit like that.”
A-Dog nodded. “Respect, niggah.”
I looked at A-Dog, who looked at me as if to say, ‘She said some real shit,’ then I continued, “Fine, y’all talk about everything, but so do we. Josephine can ask me for anything and I’m down to try it. I live to try new shit with her. But she just took the dick, yo! That’s not cool to me. We supposed to be sharing and growing together. Then, when she sees fit, she says fuck me then goes rogue? She ain’t even wake me up, man! I pray you never feel how emasculating that is, yo. To be violated and ‘rode’ without your knowledge or consent. How can I trust a woman like that, man?”
Dom looked at A-Dog, who threw his hands up in the air like ‘I give up’ while he sat down next to her on the sofa. As she finished chewing the candies that were already a muddled mess inside of her mouth, Dom popped another candy. It was like she wanted to add dramatic effect, but I didn’t know why.
Then, Dom looked at me and said, with pure indignation in her voice, “Umm. You can tell you ain’t never had no pussy before!”
A-Dog nodded, as if speaking at a failed intervention. “Maybe a niggah who really a bitch deep down in her heart can explain it to him, because lord knows I’m tired of trying. I mean, I gave this niggah all of me for years and years, Dom. All I asked was that he at least try the pussy. You know? Just try it. You know I gave the niggah a perfect pussy lay up when I found Josephine for him, and he kicks the ball out of bounds when she fucks him? I mean, what will the coaches say? I mean, how can I be my brother’s keeper when he keep doing faggot-ass bullshit like this, mang? Lord, give me the wisdom to recognize the things I cannot change and the words to explain them to these motherfucking faggots; no disrespect, Dom!”
A-Dog stands up and walks toward me slowly, and intently, with Dom laughing, yet fully engaged in the shit show that was A-Dog’s emotional instability when discussing my sex life.
Truly upset, A-Dog says, slowly and carefully, “You pray I ‘never’ get sleep raped by a badass webcam bitch? How dare you wish that on me, bro; pray I only get sleep raped by sexy-ass webcam bitches, niggah! Pray that God makes me a light sleeper, so that I can wake up in the middle of that shit and flip the script on her old freaky ass. Pray I have strong legs and a strong pelvis. Niggah, pray that I have ‘Yak Dick’ for so long that it turns into priapism, Steven! Don’t you know me at all, brother? We went over this! I told you, keep the faggot in the closet when the sexy bitch is in the crib, and Dom qualifies, because everything about her is making me see what Josephine sees in your old homo-sex-u-o ass; no homo! Have I taught you nothing, Steven?”
Dom was laughing and spitting candies all over the place, while A-Dog continued his dramatic and emotionally charged testimony on the essence of my ‘Bitch-Assed-Ness.’
A-Dog paced the living room, and continued, “I can’t even find the words to explain how you said the gayest shit I ever heard a gay man say, and I played wingman in countless gay bars, niggah, and built a fake gay dating website too. I thought I done seen and heard all the gay shit there ever was to see and hear on God’s green Earth...” A-Dog pointed at me, then looked me up and down in disgust, and said, “...then I see this faggot!”
Dom fell off the sofa and onto the floor in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. While Dom laughed, A-Dog looked at me as if to say he was serious. This wasn’t him showing out for company. He pointed his finger to stop himself from striking me, like a parent would strike a child who disappointed them, or embarrassed them by doing something they should know better than to do in front of someone whose opinion mattered. A-Dog pointed so intentionally, so precisely, being sure to point his pointer finger square in the middle of my eye sockets, that I felt guilty, but I still didn’t know why.
A-Dog continued, “And then I hear this faggot-ass beef he had for three whole weeks with the only bitch who was bold enough to even entertain giving him some pussy, and that’s when I knew; there is a God.”
A-Dog began pacing the room again, as if in prayer. “Just when I think I’ve seen it all, God shows me the gay you can’t capture in a picture or a video. This is like the essence of homosexuality, or bitch-assed-ness. When you so gay you can’t let your dick be a dick, then, niggah, you need to let the doctors slice that shit into a pussy. Better yet, donate that dick to Dom; she know what to do with your dick better than you.”
Dom, getting back on the sofa, said, “Facts!”
A-Dog, defeated, exhausted, and spent, sat back down next to Dom and started rocking back and forth, as if deep in thought. “Dom, I give up, niggah! Let the gays have him, I don’t even care no more! He pure gay, niggah. Never stepped on, fresh out the dirt ass, raw and uncut homo-sex-u-o! Let him go, Dom! Cuz he ain’t worth the spit it take to cuss him right now. Ooh, I can’t even look at him.”
I asked, confused, “What are you talking about, A-Dog?”
Dom answered, as slowly and as condescendingly as she could manage between laughs, “Niggah, any bitch in the world can walk outside her door and find a dick. I don’t care how ugly she is, or how many kids she has, or how many lovers she had in her day, pussy and dick just find each other.”
A-Dog slapped his leg. “Niggah, you better tell him!”
Dom laughed. “If a bitch willing to let you fuck her, that means you like every other man on God’s green Earth, niggah! Ain’t nothing special about that shit. But your bitch loves you so much, and wants you so much, that she takes your dick when she wants it. She knows your gay ass so well that she knows how to ride you till you nut, niggah; and niggah, she said you nutted! You a gay! How the fuck you do that, Steven? Because you know what she know; y’all click, niggah!”
A-Dog testified, “Clickety-clack, niggah; I did that!”
Dom gave A-Dog a manly pat on the back to say ‘job well done’ and to calm him down at the same time, then looked at me as if I were her new brother-in-law, like I was family now. “Trust us, Steve! You don’t know this, but me and A-Dog the same kinda niggah, right. But I’m also a lesbian, so only I know how to make a bitch want me. Steve, real talk, on everything I love, even I can’t do the shit you did in your sleep. So I already know A-Dog can’t, and he the only real man you know! A-Dog, let me ask you, how many bitches have ever fucked you while you were asleep in a way that made you and her nut, be honest?”
A-Dog held his head in his hands as if he had a migraine. “Niggah, if a bitch touch my dick while I’m sleeping then I’m waking up and busting that ass. So to answer your question, no bitch has ever made me nut unconsciously, niggah!"
Dom said, self-assuredly, "See, niggah!"
A-Dog gets upset again. "Matter of fact, I’m low-key jealous right now; how the hell my gay bro one-up me in the pussy game then ‘pray’ I never experience it for myself? You must be out your faggot-ass mind! After all the shit I done did for his faggot ass over the years! I done created a monster out this motherfucker, Dom! I’m too good. My clickety-clack is too good to be wasted on this homo-sex-u-o bullshit, mang. We might as well start talking about the work you got for me, Dom, cuz you can't get through to this motherfucking faggot, mang. Trust me, I tried! Lord knows I have tried!”
Dom continued eating candies and said, “I rest my motherfucking case.”
I said, “Well, at the end of the day, I still feel violated, and mad, and like my best friend betrayed me.”
Dom snapped, “Niggah, you just mad because Josephine rode you like you wanna ride her.”
I was dumbfounded. “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.”
A-Dog interrupted, as if having an epiphany. “Naw, it might be like some Freudian shit, son. Like you a gay because your mother was too hard on you, like your mother is, so now you meet a bitch who is feminine and manly at the same time. That’s why you loved her before you fucked her. She’s your Madonna, niggah. On the surface, y’all made for one another, but the second you bust her ass, you get mad because you really want her to bust your ass! But now, she know your dick game good, so she might not want to bust your ass anymore. Instead, she just want you to bust her ass, then you’ll a be stuck in a relationship where you fucking but not getting fucked, and that’s why you feel emasculated. It’s almost like your version of masculinity as a gay man is getting dicked down by some dick then being able to get up and be a man after you nut. But now you went to sleep the bitch, and you woke up the bitch, but nobody stuck no dick in your ass, so you just a bitch all around in your sad cum-filled little mind. I can’t believe it took me all these years to figure it out. Dicks in the ass make some gays feel more like a man. It’s counterintuitive, but I think I get it now. Thank you, Dom!”
I snapped, “What the fuck you thanking her for, niggah?”
A-Dog replied, “All this time, I just been trying to match you up with regular bitches. You want a bitch who can fuck you like a niggah then still let you be a niggah after you get shit on her dick!”
Dom said, after struggling to catch her breath from laughing, “I knew that shit when she told me about the first night y’all went on a date. But when she told me what happened today, I was like, ‘Bitch, do you see what you did wrong?’ And she still didn’t get it! I get it, but guess what, it ain’t my place to tell her, cuz if your bitch ass don’t know what to do with a fine bitch like my Josephine Lassell, then bitch, let her grieve and get over you and be done with your bitch ass once and for all. But if you can channel the energy you channeled in your sleep and use it in your waking life, then, Steve, you just landed the baddest bitch I ever met in my life! Like I said, I’m a lesbian, so I ain’t just trying to help lonely bitches find dicks and shit, but after seeing how you changed my bitch in six months, I’m willing to make you an exception. That’s how special you are, niggah. But if you ever tell anybody about what I did, I’m gonna have to kill ya! You feel me?”
A-Dog gave Dom peace and said, “Yeah, Dom! You a real one! Welcome to the family, niggah!”
I was lost. “What is happening right now?”
A-Dog replied, “I think I got it from here, Dom! Me and my bro gonna need a minute, but put your number in my phone and I’ll tell you where you and Josephine can meet us tonight for dinner. Steven’s treat. I can’t believe he embarrassed our homegirl like that.”
I snapped, “What dinner?”
A-Dog continued, ignoring my question, “It can be a double date and shit, but I don’t wanna fuck you afterward... I mean, I’m a tittie man, no offense.”
Dom got up. “I’m a pussy man myself, so we good.”
Dom left, taking Josephine’s candies with her, and A-Dog sat on my sofa looking at me as if he was a proud father having the birds and the bees talk with his only son for the first time.
It started to creep me out, so I asked, “What, man?”
A-Dog said, cautiously, so as not to offend me, “All the years I played wing man for you, I never asked you what happened once you and your dates left the club. I never wanted to know. But now, for the first time, your gay ass is a contender for my spank bank!”
I was disgusted. “Yuck, nobody wants to know about your spank bank, niggah!”
A-Dog laughed. “What I mean is, look, people meet, people get to know each other, and then whatever happens after that is up to them. Some people share every bit of their private selves with others, but some people only share what seems ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable.’ In the past, I only wanted you to share the normal shit. But going forward, I want you to talk to me about your Josephine problems, niggah! It shouldn’t take a lesbian to come in here for you to open up to me.”
I joked, “Why is everything always about you, A-Dog?”
A-Dog answered, “It’s not about me, Steven. It’s about you. I have friends outside of you, and we talk about the real shit that you and I can’t talk about because to you I’m just a stupid hetero man. The thing is, I run through bitches because I can’t find one who makes me want to focus on her. Let’s say I found a bad bitch who was perfect for me, like Beyoncé perfect, and she said, ‘Bae, let me lick your asshole.’ I hate to admit it, and I would never admit it to my straight friends, but I’ll let that kinda bitch stick anything she wanted in my ass, man. I mean, if Beyoncé asked any straight niggah alive to take a pointer finger up the ass every night to be with her, that niggah’s ass would be filled fist deep with Beyoncé fingers by the end of the week. That man would never share publicly what happened, he’ll just let it happen. That’s my advice to you, niggah. Let it be whatever it is.”
I was getting lost again. “What is your point, A-Dog?”
A-Dog said, with an air of jealousy in his voice, “Niggah, you have the perfect relationship, with the perfect woman, and you fucking it up because you can’t just tell the bitch you want to have an ass full of Josephine fingers, or dildos, or whatever she decides to stick up there. Just tell her and let it happen, niggah!”
I laughed, but I knew he was right. “It’s not like that, A-Dog.”
A-Dog slapped me playfully in the head with the flowers he brought for Josephine. “It is like that, Stevie! You in a freaky relationship with a freaky porn star cam chick who, without doing anything but being yourself, you have wrapped around your fingers. You have someone you can be you with, gay, straight, or whatever. She wasn’t born with a dick, but we both seen her use one. She not a niggah, but she raped you like a niggah would have done if you was a drunk bitch on his couch. She’s like the niggah you always wanted trapped in a bitch’s body. It seems like since she already figured out how to co-exist with you, all you gotta do now is tell her how to co-exist with you sexually.”
I joked, “Oh, right, it’s that simple.”
A-Dog continued, “Once you get over your insecurities about the sex, which, bro, I assure you is normal for a man, especially considering your gay-ass situation, you’ll see that you and Josephine might be a new kind of relationship, bro. Y’all might teach all of us how to really know and love one another. Or you gonna keep being stupid and avoid her because you’re not man enough to tell the woman you love what you need from her sexually. Even if you tell her you need a man sexually, at least she would know. But right now, you just going through the motions with her every day, spending time with her, and getting to know her, without trying to explain the most important parts about yourself. I would have raped your emotional ass too, fuck it!”
I tried to interject, but A-Dog was done. He has this way of shutting down when he said everything he had to say. Remember what he did in the car dealership? That was him shutting down. But this time, he wasn’t upset, he was happy for me, and frustrated at the same time.
He started toward the door and said, “Look, bro. We’ll go out to dinner. Me and Dom already know when to give you guys your space to work things out, and worst-case scenario, we smoke some primo bud and have a nice meal in the hookah bar where you guys first met. Okay?”