To: yikes!izzy
Date: Monday, September 5—9:43 PM
Subject: Death and dismemberment
Dear Isabel,
School starts tomorrow and I feel like I should feel something. But I don’t. I feel nothing. I am dead inside. Do you want to know why?
BECAUSE ALICE BROKE UP WITH ME!
Do you want to know why she broke up with me?
BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE’S A FUCKING LESBIAN!
Did you hear me? Do you need me to repeat myself?
MY GIRLFRIEND WAS A FUCKING LESBIAN!!!!!!!!
The whole time I was exhausting myself trying to perform acrobatics with my tongue, she was not only not interested, but DISGUSTED with my whole gender. Every time I clenched my teeth and forced myself to act like a gentleman, trusting that someday it would all be worth it, someday I would be rewarded for being so damn NICE and RESPECTFUL, someday God would shine on me and send a lightning bolt of passion surging through Alice, inspiring her to run toward me while tearing her clothes off, eyes wild and mouth foaming, rabid with her desire for me. I kept hoping that all those cramped, lackluster nights in the back of her mom’s car were just working toward the moment she’d finally break through to her hibernating nymphomaniac core and go wild. But it was all a lie. All that patience and frustration and talking and hand-holding was for nothing. Because the whole time I was trying to be the sensitive boyfriend I thought she wanted, the whole time I thought maybe I was someone she could love, the truth of the matter was that I was wasting my time. Do you have any idea how that feels? To realize you’ve been wasting your love on someone for whom it’s mentally and physically and spiritually impossible to love you back?
She said I was her last hope. She had been suspecting she was gay for a long time, but she wanted to try dating me because—and I quote—“If I couldn’t like you, I probably couldn’t like any guy.” Do you know what that really means? It means I’m the closest thing to a girl she could find that still had a penis.
It’s official: I’m the Last Chance for Lesbians.
What does this say about me?
Your tattered rag,
Connor