To: yikes!izzy
Date: Monday, December 19—4:53 PM
Subject: Re: kissing girls (continued)
Dear Isabel,
Really? You’re inviting me over? Let me think about it. . . . YES! I would love to meet them. I really would. What if I came the weekend of New Year’s? I just asked my mom and she said I can even stay the night as long as I don’t sleep in the same room as you. As if anything would happen. What a joke. Ha, ha, very funny. . . . It’s funny, right?
It’s too easy to forget how fucked up the rest of the world is when we live where we do. Mom talks about that a lot, about how we live in a sort of utopian bubble and aren’t reminded enough how broken it is outside, how much suffering there is. And then her best friend, Liza, who’s always over says something about White Guilt, and then they chuckle and pour a glass of Pinot and go sit outside to watch the sunset. I’m not sure what they find so funny about White Guilt, or even what it means, but I am aware that we pretty much live in a fantasy world. But I’m glad it exists for people like Karen to come to and feel safe finally. But I wonder what it means if the people who were raised here never leave, if we just stay in this bubble for the rest of our lives.
Things are getting better between me and Jeremy. It almost feels back to normal. I think it’s because he’s started hooking up with this freshman kid he said exuded a gay vibe, so he started talking to him one day, and they hung out a couple times, and his suspicions were indeed confirmed. I asked him if he thought I had a gay vibe, and he said not really. So I asked him why he kissed me if he didn’t think I was gay, and he just looked at me like I was a dumb kid and said, “Because you’re cute, you dork,” like it’s totally obvious and I’m an idiot for not knowing about it. But honestly—and I’m not just fishing for compliments or anything—I’ve never really considered myself attractive. In fact, I’ve always been pretty insecure about my height and how skinny I am, and my hair always looks like I just woke up, and I have this one perpetual zit on my forehead that never goes away. But I don’t know. I guess I’m not the best judge of what makes guys attractive. What do you think? Be honest. I really want to know.
So what do you think about me visiting that weekend? It’ll be like the best Christmas present ever.
Love,
Connor
(P.S. Congratulations!)