To: yikes!izzy
Date: Monday, February 6—8:33 PM
Subject: Re: what’s the opposite of angst?
Dear Isabel,
Señor and I were watching that same meteor shower! I was wondering what it would feel like to fall like that, so fast you catch on fire, so perfectly out of control. I was thinking about how I’ve never really been out of control like that. I’ve been supported and cared for and accepted. I’ve never been in any kind of real danger. I should feel grateful for that, and I am. But I also feel like I’m missing something, like there’s some essential part of being human that I don’t have. All day long, I’m surrounded by kids complaining about something—their parents, their curfew, their chores, their college applications—and it all seems so ridiculous, these problems of abundance. The real problems are the things people don’t complain about, the things they keep secret. The things that are so scary, you can’t even say them out loud.
I’m scared of getting to the end of this world and realizing it was all a waste of time, that I was a waste of time. That’s my fear. That’s the thing I don’t talk about.
Why wouldn’t you cry, Isabel? Why wouldn’t you be devastated to lose your brother like you have? You talk like emotions are a dangerous thing. What are you so afraid of?
Love,
Connor