To: condorboy
Date: Monday, February 20—6:46 PM
Subject: puppets
Dear Connor,
Things are speeding up and something tells me I’m supposed to be scared, it’s telling me to BE REASONABLE, ISABEL, but it’s my mother’s voice, not mine. It’s my mother’s voice stolen into my skull, an earwig or some other kind of creeper crawled in through my ear and lodged in my brain, a whispering parasite saying, DO THIS, DO THAT, but I won’t listen. How did she get in there? How do our parents slither inside us and take control like that without our permission? Who gave them that right? Was it God? Did God say go ahead and play your children like puppets? Did God say we don’t know better? FUCK GOD. He tells me to be reasonable, calm down, BEHAVE, because maybe then everyone at school wouldn’t hate me and maybe I’d actually have friends and maybe my teachers wouldn’t make me sit outside because I’m fidgeting and talking too much, maybe everyone wouldn’t roll their eyes when I walk by and whisper their little evil spells in my direction. Maybe my sister would call me back, maybe Karen would let me touch her belly longer so I can feel the baby kick. Maybe she wouldn’t think I’m poison. Maybe she wouldn’t have said, “That’s enough,” and when I didn’t move my hand she said, “THAT’S ENOUGH, ISABEL,” like I stung her, but I was just trying to feel the baby, I was just trying to love him, that’s all I’m ever trying to do, but she backed away and my sister said, “CALM DOWN, ISABEL,” and I kept trying to tell them I didn’t mean anything by it, I just wanted to feel the baby, everybody else got to feel the baby but I couldn’t feel him, he wasn’t kicking for me, just let me see if he’ll kick for me. I said just let me try one more time and she said, “THAT’S ENOUGH, ISABEL,” again, and she could just say it over and over and it would never get through my thick skull because I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.
Iz