To: condorboy
Date: Friday, February 24—2:13 AM
Subject: lies
Do you want to fuck me, Connor? Is that it? Is that what this has always been about? Our so-called friendship, your little sensitive-boy routine, all your understanding and kind supportive words, ALL OF IT just an act to get in my cheap insides. And now you think if you get my parents on your side, I’ll have no choice. It’ll be like some kind of arranged marriage. You’ll be the nice guy who simultaneously betrays and saves me. You will prove yourself worthy to all the assholes who think they know what’s best for me. I thought you were better than that I thought you were on my side. But you want to use me like everyone else does and that makes you even worse than Trevor because at least he doesn’t pretend to be anything besides an asshole at least he doesn’t pretend to want anything more than my body. Yours is the worst kind of dishonesty you made me trust you and you made me start thinking that maybe there’s a place in my life for a nice guy maybe there’s a nice place in his nice world for me maybe we can just run off and be nice together. These were the things I was thinking Connor. I didn’t tell you but I was going to I was going to tell you with the slugs I was going to tell you in the forest I was going to kiss you I had it all planned out I was going to tell you I was starting to wonder if maybe I could let you love me I was going to tell you I painted an island for us. But that’s gone now. There is no island and there is no love. You are not the boy I met in the forest you are not the words that soothed me to sleep you are not the heart I thought lived in this machine. I will tear up the canvas until the island is trash like everything else I will burn it on the roof until the cops come again. I will hold out my wrists and ask them to take me. Because what’s the use in trying to be free if you can’t tell a lie from the truth? What kind of freedom is that? What are you supposed to do when you find out the only people you ever loved aren’t the people you thought they were? Yes, I loved you, Connor. I always did. But that is irrelevant now because there is no you left, not the you I loved. He never existed. There is only this imposter, this fake, yet another who wants nothing more than to conquer me.
Iz