EMIL
It’s wild how much time I lost while traveling to the past.
I already didn’t get enough sleep last night, but now I’m so drained. Brighton brings me two salad bowls with tofu, quinoa, and chickpeas, and I could easily throw back another. I’ve already given Wyatt my official report on everything that went down while retrocycling, and while he’s busy updating his commander, Brighton is still picking away at every last detail. I swear he won’t chill until he can grow out a beard like Bautista.
“He had more edge than I expected,” I say.
“Of course. No one ever saved the world by being casual about it,” Brighton says. That feels like a slight against me. He picks up his phone. “Are we sure we can’t do any content about retrocycling? Now that we have the potion ingredients, we can make sure that if anyone even thinks about trying something then the Infinity Kings will stop them.”
Prudencia rests her hand on Brighton’s shoulder. “It’s not in our best interest to brag about retrocycling. We need to surprise the Blood Casters with the Starstifler so they won’t be prepared.”
“Good point,” he says.
“We’re also going to be drinking the potion ourselves,” I remind him.
Brighton looks like he’s fighting back a massive eyeroll. “You do understand that immediately drinking the potion won’t solve any problems, right? It’s our responsibility to use our powers to protect as many people as possible before the election. Otherwise all this country will see is more havoc because heroes aren’t stepping up to save them.”
“I know that—”
“Then buckle up, bro. If Sunstar wins, she’ll still need a few months to set up the Luminary Union, so we’ll continue defending the country until then. But if Iron takes the White House, we’ll be in this for the long haul until we can set this world right.”
There’s a part of me that thinks Brighton wouldn’t mind Senator Iron winning the election so he can keep playing hero. I don’t want this, I’ve never wanted this, and I’m so damn nervous that Brighton is going to keep pushing back the goalposts on when we give up the powers. And the truth is that I doubt he ever will give them up, though I don’t understand why. He could easily make a living out of being Brighton Rey, the dude who was once infinite. He could chill back and engage with his millions of followers and publish some tell-all memoir about what it was like being on the inside of this war. But I know my brother too well. No spotlight will shine bright enough unless he’s the Infinity Savior.
I tell Brighton and Prudencia I need air and then bounce.
I head straight to the library without a second thought. I enter cautiously in case Wyatt is still busy with his virtual meeting, but it’s quiet and completely empty. I’m nervous he might be sleeping, wherever he’s set up his bed in here. I step quietly and find Wyatt lounging in his usual spot on the balcony, dressed in the leather Halo Knight jacket with black feathered sleeves I haven’t seen him in since we met three days ago. Nox is eating away at some of the foliage wrapped around the stone railings as a sun swallower blazes across the dark sky.
“Man, your view is way better than mine,” I say.
Wyatt turns with a dimpled smile. “My view is rather fantastic,” he says while looking me up and down. “But yours is six feet of gorgeousness too.”
“Walked right into that one,” I say.
“Glad you did. Are you here for a celebratory toast? You did something absolutely skybreaking, love. I’m proud of you.”
I’m frozen, staring at the stars. There’s been a lot of hate from strangers, calls to do more from Brighton, unappreciation of my efforts from Maribelle, and sympathy from Prudencia, but no one’s been proud of me. Even I haven’t been. “All I did was go on the journey. You’re the one who figured out the road.”
Wyatt leans forward solely so he can pat himself on the back. “Crest was pleased to hear the news. It’s been difficult for him, adjusting as commander, since he wasn’t exactly next in line by a long shot, but when all those Haloes were killed he had to rise to the challenge. Doesn’t matter that he’s only thirty-three. The Bronze Wings are now his responsibility.”
“Bronze Wings?”
“Yeah, it’s the biggest division of Haloes. The Council of Phoenixlight restructured a decade ago to better manage the thousand or so active Halo Knights around the world. The Bronze Wings are those who have been Haloes for under twenty-five years, then it’s Silver Wings for fifty years, and Gold Wings for seventy-five years and beyond. While many of the Gold Wings are councilmembers who pass down their knowledge to us, Crest is going to have the great pleasure of letting them know that one of our group’s youngest—and most handsome—worked out how to get specters to retrocycle.”
“I hope they appreciate how brilliant you are.”
“They’ll either commission a statue in my honor or bury me alive for training humans to better use phoenix powers. Frankly, I’m not sure I can survive a sculptor’s failed attempts to capture my magnificence, so I’ll opt for the elders burying me with a flashlight and a long book.”
“I’ll go up against these elders instead of Blood Casters any day.”
“They’re mostly good people. I’m curious what they’ll think of you.”
“I hope there’s some forgiveness. Brighton’s got me pretty worked up over how much longer he thinks we’ll have to be the Infinity Kings. I want to make the world a better place, just like he does—not only because it’s what I owe, but because it’s the right thing for anyone to do. That better world just looks different for me. It looks less like a Spell Walker’s and more like yours.”
“It’s not a life without its heartache, but the wins of a Halo Knight are absolutely wonderful.”
I lean against the stone railing with my arms folded across my chest. “It must be really beautiful the day someone gets to become a Gold Wing. To know that you have spent your life doing the right thing.”
“Doing the right thing means taking care of yourself too. My mum has always gone on about how self-care isn’t valued nearly enough, especially in our culture, with how much of ourselves we give to the phoenixes. We have more to offer when we take care of ourselves. I’m not sure how much time you spend doing that.”
I think about how Wyatt has talked about having great sex and how that’s something I’ve always been interested in with someone I’m dating. I really hoped back in high school that something could’ve gone down with Nicholas, who trusted me with the secret that he was a celestial, but that didn’t work out. Then how hyped I was giving that guy Charlie a tour at the museum before he revealed himself to be someone who didn’t give a shooting star about the lives of phoenixes. And of course Ness, who is so damn special that it feels insulting to even think of him so immediately after thinking of someone I was never going to get along with. But I always hold back, keeping my truths from myself, from others.
“I don’t want to be a Spell Walker or the Infinity Son or anything high-profile. I want to be a discreet Halo Knight and figure out the most effective way to protect phoenixes.”
“I think you would be a divine Halo. Now I know you can fly, but are you afraid of heights?”
“Not really,” I say. “Though I’m not super experienced like Maribelle. I’ve only flown great distances a couple times.”
Wyatt gets up from his chair and rubs Nox’s neck. “No matter. Your power will be gone soon enough—despite what your brother might think—and if you’re going to be a Halo Knight, you should be familiar with what it’s like to ride a phoenix.”
I shake my head because this is so absurd. “Nope, sorry, I don’t deserve—”
“Why not? We may carry our pasts with us in every life, but we don’t have to be defined by them. Please show yourself a thousandth of the care you show others.”
For over a month I’ve been working hard to be the hero that everyone needs me to be and rarely fueling myself with happiness. That moment alone with the young phoenixes in the tower made me stronger, did something amazing for my soul.
“What if Nox throws me off midflight?”
“Then you’ll be thankful we haven’t clipped your wings yet. Come on, I want you to see the world that’s waiting for you on the other side of infinity.”
Wyatt scratches around Nox’s beak and hops onto his back. I can’t believe this is happening, not even as Wyatt hoists me up with him. There’s no saddle, which I know is out of respect for the phoenixes, and I feel like I’m sitting on a stiff mattress that’s covered with a smooth, feathery comforter. I run my fingers through Nox’s thick black feathers, sensing that he doesn’t mind me. It makes me feel better that he doesn’t distrust me after everything he’s been through during his lives. I’m able to relax more on top of him, as much as one can when riding a phoenix that’s bigger than a horse for the first time.
“Hold on,” Wyatt says over his shoulder.
“Around you?”
“Feel free to hug Nox’s arse if that’s preferable.”
I inch closer to Wyatt, wrapping my arms around his stomach and locking my fingers together. I lean into his back and can smell so many adventures on his jacket—fresh pine, wet grass, maybe even a couple flowers thrown in there; I wonder if one is Dayrose. He tells me to hold on tight, and I don’t think it’s necessary until Nox kicks off into the air. Then I hang on like I’m trying to merge into one being.
Flying on Nox is such an odd, freeing sensation, different from doing it by myself. I don’t have to try; I can kick back as we sail across the Sanctuary’s fields and put New Ember behind us. Wyatt confidently steers Nox over the roadway that we originally arrived on by car, but now we’re seeing the tops of trees, and a dozen evergreen blazers chase after us.
“Hold on like your lives depend on it!” Wyatt shouts over the roaring winds.
Nox screeches as he jerks and shoots toward the moon, and I’m so nervous that I’m going to fall off and drag Wyatt down into the forest with me, but the obsidian adjusts, and we’re higher than I’ve ever been before. I take in the mountains below us, thinking they could make for a challenging hike even with my strong New Yorker legs that are primed for long walks, but I only ever want to be up in the air from here on out.
The moon and stars are still so damn out of reach, and I want Nox to take us even closer. It’s like Nox can sense my feelings and does the exact opposite. We dip like the world’s most intense roller coaster toward the glistening river. My fingers dig into Wyatt’s abs when it seems like we’re about to go underwater, and I have no idea if obsidians do well there like sky swimmers. Nox smoothly transitions into a glide, his belly skimming across the surface of the river and his massive wings splashing water back at us. Wyatt is laughing as I shiver against him, the crisp air even colder now that I’m drenched. A surge of joy rockets through me, and my cheeks hurt from smiling.
“Skybreaking, yeah?”
“Skybreaking,” I echo into his ear.
I wonder if he can sense the smile in my voice the way I do with his.
We’re back in the air, but we move like a gentle wave, up, down, up, down.
Wyatt spins and faces me, patting my knees with so much enthusiasm. I hold on to his legs though I can’t lie, it’s not strictly for balance.
“How you getting on with all of this?” Wyatt asks as he shakes some water out of his hair.
“Best night in a minute.” I fight back some serious shivers because I don’t want this to end, but my chattering teeth betray me. “And a little cold.”
Wyatt takes off his jacket and holds it up. I try to turn him down because I’m me and I can never accept help without feeling weird about it, but he’s thankfully him and works a little harder to help anyway. I slide into the first feathered sleeve, and I feel this rush of power, power that has nothing to do with stolen phoenix fire. It’s like I can change the world on good heart alone. The Halo Knight jacket has some weight to it, and I want one of my own.
“Thanks for coming along,” Wyatt says.
“You’re kidding, right? Thanks for these incredible views,” I say as I turn back to where the New Ember Sanctuary feels far off, like a star. “I don’t just mean the mountains and river. Your perspective too. It’s been a huge struggle reckoning with my history, and every day I feel like I’m moving deeper and deeper into a dark space. I straight-up haven’t wanted to live a few times, and I want to feel more grateful for this life that I shouldn’t have.”
“Of course you should have your life,” he says.
I look to the sky, so full of stars—you can’t catch a sight like this in the city. I imagine that each star belongs to those who have fallen in my life and beyond—Dad, Ma, Ness, Atlas, Gravesend, Bautista, Sera, the other Spell Walkers, every celestial who was murdered because of fear and hate, and every creature who was hunted for power.
“I didn’t grow up believing in souls reincarnating like you did, Wyatt. And since learning that I have past lives, I’ve been surrounded by death.” I hold out my hands, bracing myself for sharp pain as I conjure a fire-orb, but I’m okay because of the Dayrose salve. “You’ve given me hope that I can do incredible things with these powers. That I can make sure the gray sun whose blood is in mine didn’t die in vain.”
“You have a bright future ahead of you, love.”
“I’m going to make sure of that. I died with Bautista—I once died as him. I never want to feel that death again, but I do want what he had in his life. Even in the middle of all the chaos, Bautista still found time for a love that was so epic he sacrificed himself for it.” I think about when Ness returned for me back at Nova, how invincible I felt. And how much I wish I had made that clear to him right then and there. “It’s so hard to be open to happiness when people are missing and dying, but I’m never going to get anywhere in life if I’m waiting for everything to be perfect. If all goes according to plan, this might be my last life, and I got to start somewhere—and with someone.”
The fire-orb is making his eyes glow until I crush it between my palms because I don’t want to burn him. I can still make out his lips in the darkness, and he’s paying attention to mine too. The wind whistles as Nox continues to take us over mountains and rivers, though I’m only focused on Wyatt.
My heart is hammering as he reaches for my hair and pulls me to him, our faces so close that I suck in my breath. His dimpled smile is the key that unlocks me, that frees me like riding a phoenix on a beautiful night. I kiss him, our lips pressed together, and I’m running so hot I might explode.
I didn’t expect any of this when I walked into the library tonight—flying on Nox, kissing Wyatt, welcoming happiness. It would be so easy to be miserable and alone during a war even though I want more, but this is the first of hopefully many winning moments while I’m still fighting the bigger battle. And the life Wyatt is offering me as a Halo Knight is one I hope to live.
His hand slides under the jacket, and I tense as he grabs my side, almost breaking the kiss. I’m not used to this. I’m not opposed either. I run my hands down his pecs, fighting away all these ugly thoughts that someone like Wyatt only wants me because I happen to be gay and around. Then I remember how Ness asked me to only be with someone who thinks I’m beautiful because of who I am. I think that was true for Ness, and I think it’s true for Wyatt too.
I lean away from the kiss though our foreheads remain pressed together and we’re still holding on to each other. His smile gets another quick kiss out of me.
“You get better and better, love.”
“So do you, Skybreaker.”
When I manage to look away from his blue eyes, I notice that we’re back at the Sanctuary. I could have stayed out all night like this, but that’s not fair to Nox. Wyatt dismounts first, and he holds my hand as I hop off. Completely unnecessary and fully welcomed. I don’t let go of him as I turn to pet Nox, thanking him for this incredible ride.
We enter the library, and I realize I’m not ready to go back to my room.
“I really liked holding you tonight,” I say with my eyes to the floor because letting those words escape was vulnerable enough. “Can I stay here?”
“My door’s been open since the day we arrived,” Wyatt says.
He leads me to the farthest corner of the library where a sleeping bag is hidden behind a waist-high bookcase with tomes organized by color, like a rainbow of literature. All the colors vanish as he switches off the light. We’re both wet, so we strip down to our underwear, and I change into one of Wyatt’s dry shirts; he got me in his clothes like he wanted. We share the one pillow with our lips a breath apart and hold each other as phoenix song plays outside like nature’s greatest playlist. Except I’m too wired to think about sleeping.
Today, I went back in time so I can save lives, and tonight, I changed mine.