85. If You Can’t Say No, Prevaricate

Have you ever found yourself trapped at a social gathering you didn’t want to attend in the first place because you were caught off guard when the hostess invited you? The truth is you didn’t really want to go, but you didn’t have any other plans, and you didn’t have an excuse ready. It’s happened to most of us.

I have a friend who for years just couldn’t say no. Sally is a strong, dynamic woman who runs a successful business and has never had a problem managing a staff of twenty people, dealing assertively with suppliers, or meeting on an equal footing with corporate executives. But when it came to her social life, she’d always been a pushover. She knew it, but she couldn’t bear to hurt people’s feelings.

However, she recently found herself fidgeting through yet another dinner party. She realized that if she’d been prepared with a socially acceptable excuse when Martha had called to invite her, she’d be at home at that moment cozying up on the sofa with a good book. She decided right there, in the middle of Martha’s Canary Islands cassoulet, that she’d never again say yes when she wanted to say no.

So she’s learned to prevaricate. She drew up a list of all-purpose excuses which she keeps by her home and office phones. Now, when people call with invitations to gatherings she has no interest in, she’s prepared. She has also developed the habit of keeping a couple of excuses on the tip of her tongue to ward off acquaintances she might run into on the street or in the grocery checkout line. She’s finally reconciled to the fact that just because she may like someone, she doesn’t have to give up her free time to be with them, unless she wants to.

She’s learned that a simple excuse is the best: “Thanks, Martha, but I’ve got plans for Saturday night.” And she’s also learned not to add, “Maybe next time,” because she knows the Marthas of the world will take her at her word.

Needless to say, her social life is dwindling rapidly, but she has more free time than she’s ever had to do the things that really matter to her.